So I've been off anxiety medication for almost 2 years now. But I'm so stressed. And I've been stressed before...but it felt temporary. This feels permanent. And I know, "if you're stressed your living in the future". Exactly. I am. I see that and...I can't fix it. I understand that the "now" is the knot thing that really exists.
I suppose I am falling into old habits. Stressing over things I can't help/change. Wanting to be in control, stressing when I cannot be in control...etc. Even though I know there is no true control. I don't know. Maybe I'll lay out what's stressing me?
Put simply, the future. Both the immediate future (next few months) and long term (next few years). Here's a list of things I'm stressing over for the next few months:
Moving; finding somewhere to live
I'd kind of like to live w Garren...for many reasons. One - well why not? I mean, we spend every night together anyway. Also, I like being with him, he makes me happy. And, finally, financially it would make sense. If we spend so much time together, why not live together and save both of us money?
I don't want to because: we've only been together for like, three months. He's never lived wjth anyone. I feel like I annoy him a lot. I like time along and so does he. If I move in his place, we'll really have no room to be alone.
Negating the idea of living with him, if I live on my own I need to find somewhere to live. I need to put down a deposit. I need to buy all the shit I don't have that's autumn's.
Future stressors that 100% do not matter: what am I doing? Like...am I staying here? It doesn't really matter either way does it? Why am I even worrying about that?!
I guess that's all. Idk. I'm just irritable. And once again...oh yeah, I didn't mention this...autumn is moving to Fayetteville. Soooo...yeah. I'll get into that separately or something. Fuck. Ugh.
Wednesday, December 4, 2013
Thursday, November 21, 2013
Faults
While I'm wallowing in negativity, I guess I'll release it.
I am not perfect; there is no such thing as perfection. I recognize my faults and I try to improve them.
Today, my biggest fault is that I try to make everyone happy. And that is not possible, for one. For another, it's completely impossible if I am not first making myself happy. When I am stressing myself out to the point that I am unhappy, and crying by myself because I can't and them blaming myself. I see this, I accept it. Can I move on?
It's not everyone I want to make happy. Just people I care about. I know, in reality, I have no control over anything. No one does. That is the truth of the universe. But I want things to be perfect.
Work is stressing me out. I dream about work. I don't dislike work at all. It's just harder than any job I've had. And that's good but Robyn is a control freak and wants to do it all, which doesn't help me learn anything. It's getting better but it's still very stressful for me.
I want Garren's birthday to be perfect. I want Thanksgiving to be perfect. I've been stressing over Thanksgiving for over a month now. That is fucking insane. What is wrong with me? I'm almost making myself sick over it. And then my pride is getting in the way of...uh...myself? Does that even fucking make sense? I wanted a turkey from a farm...like an idiot, I paid for it ahead of time. Not having it...Stupid. Now I went to pick it up and the place was closed. I honestly think it was a miscommunication but still it led to this crying and whatever.
Why do I have to be such picky bitch about things? Or if I want to, can I just fucking do it and not be questioned? Not that anyone is questioning me, because no one knows really, but I'm preparing myself for all these stupid questions that haven't even been asked.
I need to stop stressing myself out. I need to not try and please everyone. I think I've said that, right?
Aside from that, it's also come to my realization that...ugh, deep sigh at this. I sometimes think I'm better than other people. But not in the conventional way, in the "I'm a super enlightened, intelligent asshole" way. That sucks to admit. I know I'm not better. I also feel that I'm right, which is also not true. In reality, there isn't right or wrong. Things just are.
So. That's that. And that's a huge release and I feel relieved. And now maybe I can go hang out with Garren and not be a crying asshole.
I am not perfect; there is no such thing as perfection. I recognize my faults and I try to improve them.
Today, my biggest fault is that I try to make everyone happy. And that is not possible, for one. For another, it's completely impossible if I am not first making myself happy. When I am stressing myself out to the point that I am unhappy, and crying by myself because I can't and them blaming myself. I see this, I accept it. Can I move on?
It's not everyone I want to make happy. Just people I care about. I know, in reality, I have no control over anything. No one does. That is the truth of the universe. But I want things to be perfect.
Work is stressing me out. I dream about work. I don't dislike work at all. It's just harder than any job I've had. And that's good but Robyn is a control freak and wants to do it all, which doesn't help me learn anything. It's getting better but it's still very stressful for me.
I want Garren's birthday to be perfect. I want Thanksgiving to be perfect. I've been stressing over Thanksgiving for over a month now. That is fucking insane. What is wrong with me? I'm almost making myself sick over it. And then my pride is getting in the way of...uh...myself? Does that even fucking make sense? I wanted a turkey from a farm...like an idiot, I paid for it ahead of time. Not having it...Stupid. Now I went to pick it up and the place was closed. I honestly think it was a miscommunication but still it led to this crying and whatever.
Why do I have to be such picky bitch about things? Or if I want to, can I just fucking do it and not be questioned? Not that anyone is questioning me, because no one knows really, but I'm preparing myself for all these stupid questions that haven't even been asked.
I need to stop stressing myself out. I need to not try and please everyone. I think I've said that, right?
Aside from that, it's also come to my realization that...ugh, deep sigh at this. I sometimes think I'm better than other people. But not in the conventional way, in the "I'm a super enlightened, intelligent asshole" way. That sucks to admit. I know I'm not better. I also feel that I'm right, which is also not true. In reality, there isn't right or wrong. Things just are.
So. That's that. And that's a huge release and I feel relieved. And now maybe I can go hang out with Garren and not be a crying asshole.
Saturday, November 2, 2013
No.
Why don't I ever feel good enough? I don't understand. I mean. I probably fucked shit up with Garren. I lied. I understand why he's mad. I hate being lied to. And that's obviously a part of my shadow self that I struggle with. I hate lying, I hate being lied to and I'm also really bad at lying anyway. I'd much rather be hurt by telling the truth than perpetuating a lie or getting caught in a lie. I constantly feel like I need to punish myself anyway. Why would I want to lie just so I can get caught and punish myself more?
And why do I feel like I need to do that to myself? I don't honestly know why I'm writing this. It's making me feel sick. But I'm tired of thinking about it. I cannot stop bawling and I feel like I want to puke. Garren keeps texting me and I just can't look at it anymore. I care about him a lot. A whole fucking lot. And I would be pissed (well, hurt really) if I found out he lied to me. But I didn't cheat on him and I never would. I see a lot of him in me. People in your life are obviously a reflection of yourself. Sometimes I have a hard time seeing what people are reflecting but in him I see it very clearly.
This is insane. But he makes me think a lot. And somehow, sometimes, he makes me think about the part of myself that I really hate. This is connected and tied somehow and I can't figure it out but I know it is. And I guess now is the time to talk about it because I'm feeling it. I've tried loving myself. I don't know how. I don't feel worthy of my own love. That's so crazy. I like so many things about myself. But I would rather love other people and project my love there. Which makes no sense and is paradoxical because you have to love yourself to love another person, right? That's what I've always heard and known and whatever. I don't know. I do know that I've struggled with liking myself at all.
I was ok for a minute there and now it's hard to compose myself enough to keep typing...
But I do these crazy things. I used to cut myself and I fucking loved it. I still would honestly if it wasn't for people seeing it. I like to be medicated. When I overdosed and the doctor evaluated me he asked all kinds of questions. And I'll always remember telling him that I wanted to rip my skin off. And I still feel like that. But why? I don't want to be a human. I don't want to die, but I often don't want to exist. I hate how people pay so much attention to what others look like. I hate being looked at. I hate being touched. The only time I'm comfortable being touched is by someone I'm dating. I hug my family and I don't want to at all. I especially dislike when someone I don't know very well touches me. Even when it's just a simple movement. I get rigid and uncomfortable when someone I don't know well hugs me.
Before I moved I started to binge eat. To the point I would puke. And cry. And I gained 20 pounds in about two months. Then I hated my body more. So I starved myself. Most days I didn't eat more than 800-1000 calories. And I would workout for at least 40 minutes and not eat. Some days I would only eat 500 and then binge drink. I'm still doing that kind of.
And these things that I do...why? These insane things remind me of behavior of someone that was molested. And I don't think I really was and I don't know if I believe in repressed memories. I say I don't think I really was because...I don't know. I hated going to the babysitter when I was a kid. And there were all boys and they would always mess with me. I remember a few specific times things happened but it's not like...I don't know.
I hate that I'm writing this. I don't know what else do to anymore. I can't hold all of this in. It's poisoning me. And writing it is making me feel worse right now. And I feel like doing all those awful disgusting negative things. How do you not feel like that? How do I not hate myself? How do I not hate my body?
Friday, October 11, 2013
Not my responsibility
I have to constantly remind myself that other people's problems are not my problems. Garren tells me that. And I know. But I can't help but feeling affected by them and like I should help and that there's something I should do. I am a good and loyal friend. Maybe my ego attached itself to that too much. I don't know.
Anyway. That being said, I am fucking hurt. I want to say I'm mad. And I AM mad. But anger is the easier feeling to feel. When you look at it more closely, I'm hurt.
Let me start by saying that I am also grateful. If it wasn't for Autumn, I wouldn't have had the opportunity to move and have this experience. And it's been an amazing experience. Scary as shit, but I'm glad I faced it. I was quite alone when we moved. I didn't know anyone and she was gone A LOT. I had to deal with myself. And it was difficult. I like to not deal with myself. It's the hardest aspect of life, really.
With those things said, I left home with no money, little preparation and two rents to pay. I've run up my debt like mad. Autumn got a promotion and I left my promotion for no reason other than to have an experience. But she had security, and while I shouldn't have relied on that, I found comfort in it.
Now, here I am, 4 1/2 months later and I really just don't know...anything. I feel secure. In myself. But...fuck dude. So I moved here based on her and her fucking job. And what does she do? GETS FIRED? And why?! Because she can't work like a normal human being. Yeah, her work was a bit crazy about hours. But you fucking adjust to that. They gave you an opportunity. Don't fucking complain.
So last night I had a little spas attack. I was at home, crying...whatever. Garren wanted me to come over. So I did. I hadn't told him what was going on so I explained it all to him. Then I told him all my fears over the situation. Which are: what if she decides to move back home? What if she can't find a job? I don't want to love with her anymore anyway, but I'm not an abandoner, I want to live by myself, but I'm too fucking nice and it's expensive to live on your own and what do I do? Also, I don't want to hear complaining anymore. For god's sake, deal with it. But I feel obligated to listen. AND WHY?!
Garren said to stop worrying about it. I'll be fine, it's not my problem, etc. And he's right. And I know worrying gets me (or anyone) no where. And I get it. But that doesn't mean I can stop and don't have incessant thoughts and worries. He had me stay over last night and I just kind of cried. And he let me. Which is great. Fuck. I care about him a lot. And I'm at work right now and I feel like crying. Because that's another thing. I still get homesick. Yeah, I have friends here. And a good job. And I like it here. And I have him. But if she leaves...and I don't stay with him. Then I'm just...alone. Again. And I can't base my happiness on him. I feel like that is setting myself up for failure. And I'm shaking now. I care about him. I don't want to be hurt. And that's attaching myself to the situation. And to him. And you know, nonattachment and things. Which I thought I had a pretty good handle on. But moving was scary to me.
I can't focus on that because it will make me upset. But fucking Autumn dude. Why is she so shitty and selfish?? Jesus. I haven't even told my mom because I don't want to deal with her response. Actually the only people I've told are Garren and Ashley. Well, and work people. But I can't voice full concerns with them. I'm making myself kind of sick over all of it, really. So insane. I don't want to get drunk and cry. Because that's my signature move at this point.
I hate burdening other's with my problems as well. And this isn't even really my problem. But I hate whining. Or being needy. Because I can deal with it. I just like other's perspectives. It's not like I want to cry about it to them. I really just prefer to cry by myself. I do like hearing what other people have to say though. I don't know. I hope people don't feel burdened by me.
Fuck dude. Fuck it all. Fuck all of this. I know I need to be more present in this moment and not the anticipation if the future and worries that are out if my hands and may or may not happen. That shit is hard sometimes though. You know?
Anyway. That being said, I am fucking hurt. I want to say I'm mad. And I AM mad. But anger is the easier feeling to feel. When you look at it more closely, I'm hurt.
Let me start by saying that I am also grateful. If it wasn't for Autumn, I wouldn't have had the opportunity to move and have this experience. And it's been an amazing experience. Scary as shit, but I'm glad I faced it. I was quite alone when we moved. I didn't know anyone and she was gone A LOT. I had to deal with myself. And it was difficult. I like to not deal with myself. It's the hardest aspect of life, really.
With those things said, I left home with no money, little preparation and two rents to pay. I've run up my debt like mad. Autumn got a promotion and I left my promotion for no reason other than to have an experience. But she had security, and while I shouldn't have relied on that, I found comfort in it.
Now, here I am, 4 1/2 months later and I really just don't know...anything. I feel secure. In myself. But...fuck dude. So I moved here based on her and her fucking job. And what does she do? GETS FIRED? And why?! Because she can't work like a normal human being. Yeah, her work was a bit crazy about hours. But you fucking adjust to that. They gave you an opportunity. Don't fucking complain.
So last night I had a little spas attack. I was at home, crying...whatever. Garren wanted me to come over. So I did. I hadn't told him what was going on so I explained it all to him. Then I told him all my fears over the situation. Which are: what if she decides to move back home? What if she can't find a job? I don't want to love with her anymore anyway, but I'm not an abandoner, I want to live by myself, but I'm too fucking nice and it's expensive to live on your own and what do I do? Also, I don't want to hear complaining anymore. For god's sake, deal with it. But I feel obligated to listen. AND WHY?!
Garren said to stop worrying about it. I'll be fine, it's not my problem, etc. And he's right. And I know worrying gets me (or anyone) no where. And I get it. But that doesn't mean I can stop and don't have incessant thoughts and worries. He had me stay over last night and I just kind of cried. And he let me. Which is great. Fuck. I care about him a lot. And I'm at work right now and I feel like crying. Because that's another thing. I still get homesick. Yeah, I have friends here. And a good job. And I like it here. And I have him. But if she leaves...and I don't stay with him. Then I'm just...alone. Again. And I can't base my happiness on him. I feel like that is setting myself up for failure. And I'm shaking now. I care about him. I don't want to be hurt. And that's attaching myself to the situation. And to him. And you know, nonattachment and things. Which I thought I had a pretty good handle on. But moving was scary to me.
I can't focus on that because it will make me upset. But fucking Autumn dude. Why is she so shitty and selfish?? Jesus. I haven't even told my mom because I don't want to deal with her response. Actually the only people I've told are Garren and Ashley. Well, and work people. But I can't voice full concerns with them. I'm making myself kind of sick over all of it, really. So insane. I don't want to get drunk and cry. Because that's my signature move at this point.
I hate burdening other's with my problems as well. And this isn't even really my problem. But I hate whining. Or being needy. Because I can deal with it. I just like other's perspectives. It's not like I want to cry about it to them. I really just prefer to cry by myself. I do like hearing what other people have to say though. I don't know. I hope people don't feel burdened by me.
Fuck dude. Fuck it all. Fuck all of this. I know I need to be more present in this moment and not the anticipation if the future and worries that are out if my hands and may or may not happen. That shit is hard sometimes though. You know?
Friday, September 13, 2013
I have to get this out
So I guess I should talk about this and get it out before it profoundly fucks something up.
I have discovered that my relationship with Chris profoundly affected me more than I thought. I thought I was just unhappy. I overlooked the fact that, while I was unhappy, things were changing and I was unhappy because. Well. I thought I knew him. And he fucking went on Craigslist...of all things. And it still disgusts, repulses and makes me upset thinking about it.
Ugh. I feel like I'm going to cry. But I have to face it before it ruins things.
So it's not like he cheated on me...physically, that I know of. But it definitely felt like that. And still does. And not only that, but it's Craigslist. That's so disgusting. His excuse is that he thought I was cheating on him. And I still feel it's my fault. I somehow made him feel I was cheating on him? I wasn't giving him enough of me??? I don't know.
But it's extremely painful to go from loving and trusting someone that you've been with for three years, that you live with...to feeling like they are a sick perverse stranger.
And I understand that I should not have expectations. And I understand that we cannot really, truly "know" another person.
But I am projecting this past experience into my life currently. And I guess I have been since Chris and I broke up. And I masked it by projecting my love into someone that I knew would not reciprocate. Which was Matt. And now I guess I have to deal with it.
So. Once again, I'm laying it out. That HURT me. Was I not good enough?? Did I not care enough? Did I not show enough?? Why couldn't he pick something normal, like, call your fuckig ex gf??? Jesus. I don't know. Whatever.
Not whatever. I'm mad at myself. Not at him. I'm mad at myself for shoving my feelings down. And now that I'm talking about it, feeling it all over again.
But I'm about to jump into something. And I hope I can move past and learn from that experience.
No expectations, Brittni. Love yourself. <3
I have discovered that my relationship with Chris profoundly affected me more than I thought. I thought I was just unhappy. I overlooked the fact that, while I was unhappy, things were changing and I was unhappy because. Well. I thought I knew him. And he fucking went on Craigslist...of all things. And it still disgusts, repulses and makes me upset thinking about it.
Ugh. I feel like I'm going to cry. But I have to face it before it ruins things.
So it's not like he cheated on me...physically, that I know of. But it definitely felt like that. And still does. And not only that, but it's Craigslist. That's so disgusting. His excuse is that he thought I was cheating on him. And I still feel it's my fault. I somehow made him feel I was cheating on him? I wasn't giving him enough of me??? I don't know.
But it's extremely painful to go from loving and trusting someone that you've been with for three years, that you live with...to feeling like they are a sick perverse stranger.
And I understand that I should not have expectations. And I understand that we cannot really, truly "know" another person.
But I am projecting this past experience into my life currently. And I guess I have been since Chris and I broke up. And I masked it by projecting my love into someone that I knew would not reciprocate. Which was Matt. And now I guess I have to deal with it.
So. Once again, I'm laying it out. That HURT me. Was I not good enough?? Did I not care enough? Did I not show enough?? Why couldn't he pick something normal, like, call your fuckig ex gf??? Jesus. I don't know. Whatever.
Not whatever. I'm mad at myself. Not at him. I'm mad at myself for shoving my feelings down. And now that I'm talking about it, feeling it all over again.
But I'm about to jump into something. And I hope I can move past and learn from that experience.
No expectations, Brittni. Love yourself. <3
Friday, September 6, 2013
One year ago
It's quite insane to look back and think about what my life was like a year ago. So, let's do it! Yay!
I had lost my job a month before. My first big girl job out of college. I was devastated.
Matt had stopped talking to me (temporarily *intense eye roll*).
I was living with my parents.
I was pretty depressed. Not like I would have been, if I were younger. But I was just like, wtf is this complete shit?? So I just kind of rode it out for awhile. I drank a lot. I was job hunting like crazy, but I was just kind of...numb. It's so weird to think back.
I decided I needed to quit that shit quick when one morning I woke up in a 21 year old kid's bed (not that I'm old...but jeez) on like a....Wednesday morning or something. And I was like, holyyyy shit. I should really reevaluate. I said that to myself about three more times before I ACTUALLY reevaluated. For the record, I did not have sex with that 21 year old. BUT STILL.
Anyway, I got a job at the beginning of Oct. Since then everything has changed really.
It's weird...I mean. Reflecting on things. Life was "bad". But it could have been so much worse. It could STILL be worse. And I know that. So I'm grateful.
The past year has been a huge growing experience. I'm a lot more comfortable being by myself.
Moving was the hardest thing I've done. I'll chronicle that when I feel more comfortable. But the way the events in my life have played out over the past year + has brought me to where I am now. I'm still adjusting. And I don't want to cry lol. So I'll detail that in a few weeks.
I will however say that I went home last weekend and I feel better. But I still don't know what I'm doing. I wonder if I ever will.
I had lost my job a month before. My first big girl job out of college. I was devastated.
Matt had stopped talking to me (temporarily *intense eye roll*).
I was living with my parents.
I was pretty depressed. Not like I would have been, if I were younger. But I was just like, wtf is this complete shit?? So I just kind of rode it out for awhile. I drank a lot. I was job hunting like crazy, but I was just kind of...numb. It's so weird to think back.
I decided I needed to quit that shit quick when one morning I woke up in a 21 year old kid's bed (not that I'm old...but jeez) on like a....Wednesday morning or something. And I was like, holyyyy shit. I should really reevaluate. I said that to myself about three more times before I ACTUALLY reevaluated. For the record, I did not have sex with that 21 year old. BUT STILL.
Anyway, I got a job at the beginning of Oct. Since then everything has changed really.
It's weird...I mean. Reflecting on things. Life was "bad". But it could have been so much worse. It could STILL be worse. And I know that. So I'm grateful.
The past year has been a huge growing experience. I'm a lot more comfortable being by myself.
Moving was the hardest thing I've done. I'll chronicle that when I feel more comfortable. But the way the events in my life have played out over the past year + has brought me to where I am now. I'm still adjusting. And I don't want to cry lol. So I'll detail that in a few weeks.
I will however say that I went home last weekend and I feel better. But I still don't know what I'm doing. I wonder if I ever will.
Friday, August 23, 2013
Findings
So I moved about three months ago as of this weekend. I'm going to attempt to put together words in order to give you (...not that anyone reads this) some kind of idea of how I felt during this experience. I'm not totally sure it's something I can accurately describe.
Let me preface with the week leading up to the Friday I left. I had next to nothing packed. Instead of that shit, I went out. Every night. I had a going away party the weekend before and it was exhausting and amazing. People take A LOT out of you. Everyone pulling you in different directions. I don't know how most people are, but the people I love, I love intensely. So after my party, I had a going away party at work and spent Thursday and Friday at work probably still drunk and extremely hungover.
I left Friday after work. My last day at work I will never forget. Lohr was an amazing company to work for. I wish I could take that place and move it here. I've never worked with such caring, good hearted people. They all hugged me and told me good luck and gave me going away cards with well wished. I went to leave to meet my family (mom, grandparents, aunt, uncle and cousin...all) at my apartment. I still had shit to pack. I got in the car and that stupid fucking Taylor Swift/Tim McGraw song "Highway Don't Care" song was on. Fucking LOST IT. I couldn't cry in front of my grandma bc she was already a mess so I called Ashley and she calmed me down. Leaving was hard, but my mom drove here with me, and that made it a billion times easier. I had also distanced myself from the situation and was viewing it from an outside perspective...somehow.
My first week here was awesome. My mom was here. She put together all my furniture from Ikea and unpacked 95% of my stuff while I went on interviews. You know...bc I just quit my job at home like a crazy psycho and moved across the country. Had my mom not been here, I would have went back home. No joke. I needed that support in the biggest way. And when I wasn't interviewing, we went tons of places and explored and it was so nice to have someone here. Anyway, when she left it was awful lol. My mom is not very emotional, and I never was until...well probably the past 1-2 years. And my mom and I haven't always been the closest. She's a bit guarded as am I. Regardless, I sobbed like a child. And so did she. One of the hardest experiences of my life, and as I type this my eyes are tearing up. That moment was so terrifying. I felt truly alone and cut off from everything I had known my entire life.
The next couple months are a blur. I spent a lot of time drinking and crying and drinking and crying. There's a guy here I went to high school with. We kind of dated, but I'm in no position for anything serious...anyway he listened to me cry at least a half dozen times. Of his own free will. He even called me when he knew I was upset. And damn if I don't appreciate the shit out of him. Not only that but I owe him...well idk. Something I'll never be able to give basically.
Oh I was working those couple months as well. Two part time jobs. Met some really awesome people that are now my friends here. They helped make me feel...idk..better, I guess. Friends, you know.
Anyway, so I have a full time job now that I enjoy. With great people. Which is huge. I am still really homesick. And I cry when I get drunk lol. But all in all, here is what I've learned from my experience, thus far:
First, this has been a huge process for me. I am so close with my family and reliant on them. Not to do things for me, but for love. I've said this before and it will always be true, but I am a companion oriented person. I feel best when I give and receive love. And I'm ok with giving love and not receiving it (obviously). But in order to give love, I have to have someone to love. And Autumn wasn't around a lot. And honestly, we haven't lived together that long anyway. Regardless, I'm really obsessed with my family and being away from them is absolutely the hardest thing I've done in my life.
That being said. I needed this. I've been growing as a person and becoming more spiritual. A big part of spiritualism is discovering the truth you (not the you people see, that's ego you) and being uncomfortable. It's hard. It will always be hard. Lets be real; growth hurts. But it's worth it. I've changed so much over the past two years. The past year even. Even when I was sobbing and feeling so alone, I knew it was for the betterment of myself. And that kind of makes it all feel ok, even when you feel things are complete shit.
I've realized (again) that in really awful at dealing with myself. That's why I love to love. It's easier to love someone else than it is to love yourself. Self love is hard because we are so hard on ourselves. Which is unfair. Why be so hard on yourself? It doesn't improve your life at all.
Moving on to my last point, I've learned that home is not a place. It's...well, whatever you make it. For me, home is with anyone I love. I found that out when I went to visit Vicki. She lives in NC about three hours from me. I felt home there...because I love her :) And oddly enough, I felt home when I visited Matt in Dallas in Feb. Because I love him as well. So for me, home is anywhere I can be with someone I love.
...Which actually leads me to something else, now that I think about it. If that's my attachment in life, I'm going to need to release it. So. I guess that's my next step. And also why I decided to stay here. Well, not here, but gone. Until I can be comfortable with myself. I guess. Something like that. :)
Let me preface with the week leading up to the Friday I left. I had next to nothing packed. Instead of that shit, I went out. Every night. I had a going away party the weekend before and it was exhausting and amazing. People take A LOT out of you. Everyone pulling you in different directions. I don't know how most people are, but the people I love, I love intensely. So after my party, I had a going away party at work and spent Thursday and Friday at work probably still drunk and extremely hungover.
I left Friday after work. My last day at work I will never forget. Lohr was an amazing company to work for. I wish I could take that place and move it here. I've never worked with such caring, good hearted people. They all hugged me and told me good luck and gave me going away cards with well wished. I went to leave to meet my family (mom, grandparents, aunt, uncle and cousin...all) at my apartment. I still had shit to pack. I got in the car and that stupid fucking Taylor Swift/Tim McGraw song "Highway Don't Care" song was on. Fucking LOST IT. I couldn't cry in front of my grandma bc she was already a mess so I called Ashley and she calmed me down. Leaving was hard, but my mom drove here with me, and that made it a billion times easier. I had also distanced myself from the situation and was viewing it from an outside perspective...somehow.
My first week here was awesome. My mom was here. She put together all my furniture from Ikea and unpacked 95% of my stuff while I went on interviews. You know...bc I just quit my job at home like a crazy psycho and moved across the country. Had my mom not been here, I would have went back home. No joke. I needed that support in the biggest way. And when I wasn't interviewing, we went tons of places and explored and it was so nice to have someone here. Anyway, when she left it was awful lol. My mom is not very emotional, and I never was until...well probably the past 1-2 years. And my mom and I haven't always been the closest. She's a bit guarded as am I. Regardless, I sobbed like a child. And so did she. One of the hardest experiences of my life, and as I type this my eyes are tearing up. That moment was so terrifying. I felt truly alone and cut off from everything I had known my entire life.
The next couple months are a blur. I spent a lot of time drinking and crying and drinking and crying. There's a guy here I went to high school with. We kind of dated, but I'm in no position for anything serious...anyway he listened to me cry at least a half dozen times. Of his own free will. He even called me when he knew I was upset. And damn if I don't appreciate the shit out of him. Not only that but I owe him...well idk. Something I'll never be able to give basically.
Oh I was working those couple months as well. Two part time jobs. Met some really awesome people that are now my friends here. They helped make me feel...idk..better, I guess. Friends, you know.
Anyway, so I have a full time job now that I enjoy. With great people. Which is huge. I am still really homesick. And I cry when I get drunk lol. But all in all, here is what I've learned from my experience, thus far:
First, this has been a huge process for me. I am so close with my family and reliant on them. Not to do things for me, but for love. I've said this before and it will always be true, but I am a companion oriented person. I feel best when I give and receive love. And I'm ok with giving love and not receiving it (obviously). But in order to give love, I have to have someone to love. And Autumn wasn't around a lot. And honestly, we haven't lived together that long anyway. Regardless, I'm really obsessed with my family and being away from them is absolutely the hardest thing I've done in my life.
That being said. I needed this. I've been growing as a person and becoming more spiritual. A big part of spiritualism is discovering the truth you (not the you people see, that's ego you) and being uncomfortable. It's hard. It will always be hard. Lets be real; growth hurts. But it's worth it. I've changed so much over the past two years. The past year even. Even when I was sobbing and feeling so alone, I knew it was for the betterment of myself. And that kind of makes it all feel ok, even when you feel things are complete shit.
I've realized (again) that in really awful at dealing with myself. That's why I love to love. It's easier to love someone else than it is to love yourself. Self love is hard because we are so hard on ourselves. Which is unfair. Why be so hard on yourself? It doesn't improve your life at all.
Moving on to my last point, I've learned that home is not a place. It's...well, whatever you make it. For me, home is with anyone I love. I found that out when I went to visit Vicki. She lives in NC about three hours from me. I felt home there...because I love her :) And oddly enough, I felt home when I visited Matt in Dallas in Feb. Because I love him as well. So for me, home is anywhere I can be with someone I love.
...Which actually leads me to something else, now that I think about it. If that's my attachment in life, I'm going to need to release it. So. I guess that's my next step. And also why I decided to stay here. Well, not here, but gone. Until I can be comfortable with myself. I guess. Something like that. :)
Tuesday, August 13, 2013
Laying things out.
I live so far away from my home.
You...or I...don't (didn't) realize how much you rely on people you love until they aren't in close proximity to you.
Not just to do things for you. I am fine doing things myself. But to love. To touch.
I've been here...almost three months now. It's beautiful. Everything around me is so amazingly beautiful, I'm astounded every day. I have met beautiful people.
Nothing replaces being around people you love. And who love you back.
I have adjusted pretty well. I don't cry as much as I used to. I was awful when I first got here. I cried and cried. I've never been away from my family like this. My family is small. Looking at it now from an outside perspective, we're a little creepily close.
But I have never been an emotional person. I think I've done more crying here in the past three months than I've done in the past three years. I've never been good at expressing my emotions to those that I should be expressing them to. Which is why I'm blogging, when I haven't in months, instead of calling...anyone I love.
I was thinking last night how alone I feel. Which is strange because I talked to Ashley and my dad. And I've felt better lately than I have since I got here.
But I would give anything to be close to someone. To be held. To be able to talk, in person, and feel understood. I can call my friends and family on the phone. It's not the same. I have went on dates. I have kissed people. It's not the same.
I've made friends here. They're awesome people. Three months isn't long enough to love a friend. Or establish the friend connections like I have at home. I appreciate the fuck out of my family and friends so much.
I guess I had to leave to realize that. No one wants to live in the shitty midwest forever. It's shitty until you're gone. And actually, I don't want to go home. Well, I do...to visit. Not to move. I just wish there was one person here I loved. Just one. And I know I will, over time. But godfuckingdamnit if it isn't hard.
.......................
I feel a lot better now. Letting that out. I just really want to let go and travel and be happy with myself and love myself. I think this is a big step in that direction. I've made a lot of personal progress since I've been here actually. I mean, moving was a big step. And really, no matter how hard, it was a natural one. I've evolved so, so much over the past two years. What's most important to me is that it continues.
I really tried to put spiritual teachings into practice. And I've done a pretty decent job, I think. Nothing is perfect, but everything is always perfect :) So I've done perfect. I've tried to relinquish my attachments to people. I posted...last year actually, on attachment vs non attachment.
It's not something I've mastered, for sure. I can say I relinquished my attachment to Matt. Well, I mean, I kind of had to. He moved...I moved. I still fucking love him. I don't know if I'll ever understand that.
Hm...maybe I need to understand that to relinquish attachment to my family as well...
That's definitely something I need to think on for awhile. Because...attachment isn't love. Love (essentially) is unconditional. And I DO love my family unconditionally. I just need to relinquish the intense attachment to them I feel...
This is definitely something to ponder for awhile. I feel so much better right now :)
You...or I...don't (didn't) realize how much you rely on people you love until they aren't in close proximity to you.
Not just to do things for you. I am fine doing things myself. But to love. To touch.
I've been here...almost three months now. It's beautiful. Everything around me is so amazingly beautiful, I'm astounded every day. I have met beautiful people.
Nothing replaces being around people you love. And who love you back.
I have adjusted pretty well. I don't cry as much as I used to. I was awful when I first got here. I cried and cried. I've never been away from my family like this. My family is small. Looking at it now from an outside perspective, we're a little creepily close.
But I have never been an emotional person. I think I've done more crying here in the past three months than I've done in the past three years. I've never been good at expressing my emotions to those that I should be expressing them to. Which is why I'm blogging, when I haven't in months, instead of calling...anyone I love.
I was thinking last night how alone I feel. Which is strange because I talked to Ashley and my dad. And I've felt better lately than I have since I got here.
But I would give anything to be close to someone. To be held. To be able to talk, in person, and feel understood. I can call my friends and family on the phone. It's not the same. I have went on dates. I have kissed people. It's not the same.
I've made friends here. They're awesome people. Three months isn't long enough to love a friend. Or establish the friend connections like I have at home. I appreciate the fuck out of my family and friends so much.
I guess I had to leave to realize that. No one wants to live in the shitty midwest forever. It's shitty until you're gone. And actually, I don't want to go home. Well, I do...to visit. Not to move. I just wish there was one person here I loved. Just one. And I know I will, over time. But godfuckingdamnit if it isn't hard.
.......................
I feel a lot better now. Letting that out. I just really want to let go and travel and be happy with myself and love myself. I think this is a big step in that direction. I've made a lot of personal progress since I've been here actually. I mean, moving was a big step. And really, no matter how hard, it was a natural one. I've evolved so, so much over the past two years. What's most important to me is that it continues.
I really tried to put spiritual teachings into practice. And I've done a pretty decent job, I think. Nothing is perfect, but everything is always perfect :) So I've done perfect. I've tried to relinquish my attachments to people. I posted...last year actually, on attachment vs non attachment.
It's not something I've mastered, for sure. I can say I relinquished my attachment to Matt. Well, I mean, I kind of had to. He moved...I moved. I still fucking love him. I don't know if I'll ever understand that.
Hm...maybe I need to understand that to relinquish attachment to my family as well...
That's definitely something I need to think on for awhile. Because...attachment isn't love. Love (essentially) is unconditional. And I DO love my family unconditionally. I just need to relinquish the intense attachment to them I feel...
This is definitely something to ponder for awhile. I feel so much better right now :)
Thursday, April 11, 2013
It's been awhile
Writing takes a lot out of me. I'm not very in touch with my emotions and I tend to view myself and life from a distance. I like to avoid becoming too emotional. Even when I cry...I hold myself back a lot.
Anyway, not my intention for writing this, but just a few random things before I say what I actually wanted to. First off, I think I've had this for a year? Weird. When people say the older you get, the faster time goes, it's so insanely true. And bizarre. Every year that goes by I compare how radically different they are/my life is. It's really mind blowing to me.
My intention on blogging today was to talk about being a kid. And how different I am...and I mean, everyone is different from when they were a kid lol. But I think a lot of people grow into control and rigidness. I am trying to grow out of that. And I have, in many cases. I am still a pseudo control freak. "Knowing" things makes you feel safe, you know?
Either way, as a kid, I was all about control. I remember in junior high, I had my morning routine down to the minute. I would shower, get dressed, do my make up and eat breakfast. I literally got out of the shower every day at the same time. Being a minute off would throw my day off.
It's weird to think back on that now. I have no real morning routine. I get up at the last second.
I'm still a planner, for sure. My friend Jordan told me this weekend that I try and plan too much. Which was both funny and shocking to me. I guess I feel so much less "plan-y" than I did when I was younger that it didn't occur to me that I still do it.
The difference is, I can, and do, stray from my routines. I still get caught up in expectations, even though I try really really hard not to.
I'm pretty self aware, but I definitely don't understand myself. Sometimes the way I am and the way I do things and feel make NO sense to me whatsoever. And it kind of bothers me.
But every day is a chance to learn more and grow. So there's no such thing as perfection because every person every day is constantly becoming the best person they can be in every way. Even if they're doing nothing.
Somehow that (kind of) puts my mind at ease. Just a little :)
Namaste, loves!
Anyway, not my intention for writing this, but just a few random things before I say what I actually wanted to. First off, I think I've had this for a year? Weird. When people say the older you get, the faster time goes, it's so insanely true. And bizarre. Every year that goes by I compare how radically different they are/my life is. It's really mind blowing to me.
My intention on blogging today was to talk about being a kid. And how different I am...and I mean, everyone is different from when they were a kid lol. But I think a lot of people grow into control and rigidness. I am trying to grow out of that. And I have, in many cases. I am still a pseudo control freak. "Knowing" things makes you feel safe, you know?
Either way, as a kid, I was all about control. I remember in junior high, I had my morning routine down to the minute. I would shower, get dressed, do my make up and eat breakfast. I literally got out of the shower every day at the same time. Being a minute off would throw my day off.
It's weird to think back on that now. I have no real morning routine. I get up at the last second.
I'm still a planner, for sure. My friend Jordan told me this weekend that I try and plan too much. Which was both funny and shocking to me. I guess I feel so much less "plan-y" than I did when I was younger that it didn't occur to me that I still do it.
The difference is, I can, and do, stray from my routines. I still get caught up in expectations, even though I try really really hard not to.
I'm pretty self aware, but I definitely don't understand myself. Sometimes the way I am and the way I do things and feel make NO sense to me whatsoever. And it kind of bothers me.
But every day is a chance to learn more and grow. So there's no such thing as perfection because every person every day is constantly becoming the best person they can be in every way. Even if they're doing nothing.
Somehow that (kind of) puts my mind at ease. Just a little :)
Namaste, loves!
Thursday, January 24, 2013
Circles
I haven't said anything in awhile because I...don't know how. And I'm sure I'll talk in circles but I need to get it out of my head. As usual.
I guess a quick life update will do. I live in the city now. With a girl I graduated from high school with. We get along famously. Really good decision. I'm loving it so far. I feel content, whole, at peace and centered. Matt moved to Dallas. I am not seeing anyone. Korey started talking to me when Sarah broke up with him. He's just not right for me. Nice guy but not for me.
Naturally back to the guy thing. Always. Because everything else in life one feels they can have control over, even though it's false. Even if we know deep down it's true that we have no control over anything, it's especially difficult when you add other people into the equation because you want them to behave a certain way. Which they may not. And usually do not.
That being said, when Matt left I knew I would hear from him, I just didn't know when. It was three days after he left. On Christmas, actually. He told me he missed me. I got teary eyed. He was very sweet and consistent for quite some time. Telling me he missed me, to come there, etc. Even told me I was "his" and to wait for him.
I eventually agreed to come see him. Four days in February. Four days, chosen by him. The 14-18. He even told me he loved me. Twice, actually. The second time I was asleep. He called me an "ass" for not responding.
Since then, not much. A few days later I told him I missed him and loved him and can't wait to see him. I don't usually do that because he seems to pull away. But I felt bad because I think he meant it and I was drunk and kind of mean. And I do love him. Very much.
Like I said, he hasn't said much since then. And I told him I would wait. And I am waiting. But...what am I waiting for? Him to come home? Grow up? Be a man? Commit to me? Just sex?! I don't even know. He said wait and I said ok.
I'm starting to think I'm an idiot. BUT. A few things: One, I'm not interested in anyone else. Two, I don't think I'm ready. Three, this situation with him being gone is somewhat ideal. For both of us, I think.
With those things said, I *wish* there was a BIT more normalcy. But at the same time, idk from what angle. I bitch about it. But I don't know what I want really. I mean, I would like him to open up more to me. But I can't make him. And not of he doesn't want to.
It's just, I've been seeing him off and on for...well close to a year. And I feel there's been no progress. Even though I know there has. And I shouldn't be progressing quickly anyway. And neither should he. But something says something is wrong.
Now that I've talked in circles, I think it's society. Everyone (ALL of my friends, his friends, my family) say we are weird and don't make sense and they don't get it. And I don't get "it" either. But I'm comfortable with it and I like it. So why do we have to be "normal"? What is that anyway? I need to be myself, as an individual, before being with someone. And I think he needs to be happy/confident in himself before being with someone.
Matt has what I like to call pseudo confidence. If you can read people well, you will see this in him too. But no matter what, I love him and even though we don't communicate like most people, I feel a connection with him like I haven't felt with anyone else.
I guess that's all I have? I wish I could make more sense of things myself. But this is all I've got.
I guess a quick life update will do. I live in the city now. With a girl I graduated from high school with. We get along famously. Really good decision. I'm loving it so far. I feel content, whole, at peace and centered. Matt moved to Dallas. I am not seeing anyone. Korey started talking to me when Sarah broke up with him. He's just not right for me. Nice guy but not for me.
Naturally back to the guy thing. Always. Because everything else in life one feels they can have control over, even though it's false. Even if we know deep down it's true that we have no control over anything, it's especially difficult when you add other people into the equation because you want them to behave a certain way. Which they may not. And usually do not.
That being said, when Matt left I knew I would hear from him, I just didn't know when. It was three days after he left. On Christmas, actually. He told me he missed me. I got teary eyed. He was very sweet and consistent for quite some time. Telling me he missed me, to come there, etc. Even told me I was "his" and to wait for him.
I eventually agreed to come see him. Four days in February. Four days, chosen by him. The 14-18. He even told me he loved me. Twice, actually. The second time I was asleep. He called me an "ass" for not responding.
Since then, not much. A few days later I told him I missed him and loved him and can't wait to see him. I don't usually do that because he seems to pull away. But I felt bad because I think he meant it and I was drunk and kind of mean. And I do love him. Very much.
Like I said, he hasn't said much since then. And I told him I would wait. And I am waiting. But...what am I waiting for? Him to come home? Grow up? Be a man? Commit to me? Just sex?! I don't even know. He said wait and I said ok.
I'm starting to think I'm an idiot. BUT. A few things: One, I'm not interested in anyone else. Two, I don't think I'm ready. Three, this situation with him being gone is somewhat ideal. For both of us, I think.
With those things said, I *wish* there was a BIT more normalcy. But at the same time, idk from what angle. I bitch about it. But I don't know what I want really. I mean, I would like him to open up more to me. But I can't make him. And not of he doesn't want to.
It's just, I've been seeing him off and on for...well close to a year. And I feel there's been no progress. Even though I know there has. And I shouldn't be progressing quickly anyway. And neither should he. But something says something is wrong.
Now that I've talked in circles, I think it's society. Everyone (ALL of my friends, his friends, my family) say we are weird and don't make sense and they don't get it. And I don't get "it" either. But I'm comfortable with it and I like it. So why do we have to be "normal"? What is that anyway? I need to be myself, as an individual, before being with someone. And I think he needs to be happy/confident in himself before being with someone.
Matt has what I like to call pseudo confidence. If you can read people well, you will see this in him too. But no matter what, I love him and even though we don't communicate like most people, I feel a connection with him like I haven't felt with anyone else.
I guess that's all I have? I wish I could make more sense of things myself. But this is all I've got.
Tuesday, October 30, 2012
Spirit Animal
Quickly b/c it's late as hell, as usual.
Today has been fucking awful, but about that later. Lately...well over the past few months tigers have been coming into my life.
First, the lesson "tigers above, tigers below", which will be my next tattoo. Lately the tiger has been more prominent in my life. In dreams, in awake, paintings, pictures, and today, in my text autocorrect, oddly enough.
So I googled. I would say the description is pretty spot on, but does not necessarily give me much comfort. I will work with this.
Here is the link: http://www.spiritanimal.info/spirit-animals/tiger-spirit-animal/
Added quick note on today: Breathe and realize that this experience is the exact experience I should be having. Remember to learn from it and grow from it. Realize the emotions, feel them and release them.
Today has been fucking awful, but about that later. Lately...well over the past few months tigers have been coming into my life.
First, the lesson "tigers above, tigers below", which will be my next tattoo. Lately the tiger has been more prominent in my life. In dreams, in awake, paintings, pictures, and today, in my text autocorrect, oddly enough.
So I googled. I would say the description is pretty spot on, but does not necessarily give me much comfort. I will work with this.
Here is the link: http://www.spiritanimal.info/spirit-animals/tiger-spirit-animal/
Added quick note on today: Breathe and realize that this experience is the exact experience I should be having. Remember to learn from it and grow from it. Realize the emotions, feel them and release them.
Monday, October 29, 2012
Repressed memory realization
Meditation:
I told Shaila earlier that I had never been broken up with. I realized later that wasn't true.
Following dinner I read an article, that I emailed to her. It said our emotions can live in a child like state until we recognize them. It's why people who were abandoned have abandonment issues and victims of molestation have negative feelings towards sex. This article impacted me but I was unsure why or how.
During meditation I had a profound memory. When Scott, who I lost my virginity to at 13, broke up with me, he came over to retrieve his wallet. We made out and I held on hope that he wouldn't really break up with me. He did. I was devastated. Thirteen is entirely way too young to be having sex. I thought I "loved" him.
In this train of thought, the thought I was having that triggered it was thinking about Matt. He asked for his hat and gloves yesterday and I know he'll ask again. I was imagining me giving them to him and him trying to convince me to have sex with him. I guess I felt that same feeling I felt when I was a kid.
Anyway, Scott tried to get back with me after about a year and I said no. He was still with the girl he broke up with me for. I wasn't putting myself back in that situation. Looking back, that was actually smart of me. Maybe I should take a cue from my childhood self.
After that I started sleeping around a lot. Actually, I took pride in taking someone's virginity. I guess because that is how I hurt. I wanted others to hurt? I'm not sure really.
I saw Scott when I was 19. He stayed with that girl until a few months before he saw me, at 19. He apologized to me and said we should be friends. Again, I said no. He had a profound impact on my life and even though I did and do appreciate his apology, I wouldn't be comfortable with that. Also he hugged me and it made me want to puke.
So. That's kind of that situation. Other than that, I've never been broke up with. I always break up with people because I am not happy. I've come to learn it's because I'm not happy with myself. But I am working on it.
Strange how I shoved that memory down so hard, I completely forgot it. Even more strange how the series of events brought it bubbling over.
Naturally, the memory made me cry. Not in a real hurt way. More of an awakening way. It does hurt though, don't get me wrong.
I hope that because I have recognized this feeling and memory that I can move forward. I feel that it was quite the breakthrough.
Saturday, October 27, 2012
internal thoughts
Reminder to self: Am drunk
At this point, I kind of feel like I'm going about things somewhat backward. I had so many conditions and high expectations and I feel like I'm abandoning them so I'm not alone. Again.
..........
Is this my lesson?
It is.
Shit shit shit.
I cannot fail again.
I thought it, Annie said it, Jake said it. I said it, more than once, actually.
I have to learn the lesson, I can't take repeating it again.
I have to learn the lesson, I can't take repeating it again.
Monday, October 22, 2012
I wrote this from my phone, I felt it was important
I think I just learned a spiritual lesson.
http://www.yuni.com/library/docs/631.html
The quote, "People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime" popped into my head. I've had somewhat obsessive thoughts about Korey for some reason lately. Well, I mean, we just stopped talking and naturally I saw him at Red Bar last night while I was with Matt. I felt really negatively toward him, even though Shaila said she felt he was empty (and I kind of sensed that too. Empty or shut out) and pointed out that I clearly care for Matt very much, I still felt fooled and hurt.
Upon reading the quote, and a short story (which I'll post quickly):
People come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. When you figure out which one it is, you will know what to do for each person.
When someone is in your life for a REASON . . . It is usually to meet a need you have expressed. They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally, or spiritually. They may seem like a
godsend, and they are! They are there for the reason you need them to be.
Then, without any wrong doing on your part, or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end.
Sometimes they die.
Sometimes they walk away.
Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand.
What we must realise is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled, their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered. And now it is time to move on.
When people come into your life for a SEASON . . .
Because your turn has come to share, grow, or learn. They bring you an experience of peace, or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it! It is real! But, only for a season.
LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons; things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the
person, and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life. It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.
1999-2011 Yuni Words of Wisdom
After reading that, all I could think was that Korey came into my life when Matt wasn't talking to me. I cared about Matt way more than I thought and was more hurt than I thought. Korey was there to occupy my time/thoughts, even though Matt still invaded my brain. Matt started talking to me again and I kept putting him off bc of what he put me through. But again, just like in the beginning, his persistence got to me. I was still talking to Korey until about a week ago. And I did like him and care about him. I just don't have the same feelings for him that I do for Matt. I have feelings for Matt that I (for once in my life) have no words for and cannot explain.
Matt may also be for a reason, but I have yet to figure that out. I hate to be a stupid girl and say I hop it's not just for a reason, because I don't really want to him to leave my life, even when he actually moves. But I guess I'll have to see.
Matt may also be for a reason, but I have yet to figure that out. I hate to be a stupid girl and say I hop it's not just for a reason, because I don't really want to him to leave my life, even when he actually moves. But I guess I'll have to see.
I'm not sure what else to say because I'm still trying to figure it out. I probably never will though. And I'm ok w that.
I will say Matt and I don't communicate verbally very much. I honestly feel like we don't have to and can express how we feel through our actions to each other. It is so bizarre to me.
And now that I feel like a dumb twat, that is all.
And now that I feel like a dumb twat, that is all.
Wednesday, October 10, 2012
Things about my life
I am hoping that since I changed my name, I am unidentifiable on here. Because I think a lot of things I say would piss people off.
Whatever.
Anyway, I got a job. Actually I got it like, two weeks ago. I've just been tired and busy and lazy. Ok, I kind of take lazy back. Obviously I work normal mon-fri hours, still at the Dazz a few days and I run. So it's hard to find time to do other things. Also, I record about 5 shows that I obsessively watch, which makes even less time.
Blah. Literally, blah.
I guess I wanted to say I got a job. Oh it's at a distribution company. I'm the "receptionist". I make more money than my old job. Figures. It's a great company and I want to get into sales there. Also, beer.
I'm so tired. I can't sleep at night. I am not a 630am waker. I'm not sure I ever will be.
I am still talking to (having sex with?) Matt. Korey, not so much. What is wrong with me? Not my choice really. I would rather be talking to Korey. I saw him for a bit on Saturday. I called him after and we talked on the phone for like, an hour. I kind of explained some things such as, my inability to trust people, my reservations in getting serious, I explained that I wasn't comparing him to Matt or asking Toon who I should really choose, but verifying to Jordan that Korey is way better than Matt. I don't think he believed me.
I've asked him to hang out since then, but he's been pretty unresponsive. Meh. Guess I fucked that up. Makes no sense to me because he talked to me this weekend both days and said we should meet up Saturday. I know he's been having to get up super early lately.
I don't know. It's exhausting trying to understand people. And I know, I know...you can't, let it go, things will work out, etc, etc. I know. It's just so hard to actually do those things. Especially when I want to psychoanalyze everything.
I'm not depressed right now, which is good. But I do feel stuck in a rut. I feel like (...ok let's be real, I am) I'm doing that thing where I need to be talking to/seeing someone to be happy with/verify myself. That's a lot of //// and not nearly enough self love. Damnit. Self love is so hard!!!!!
Also, if I don't move out soon...idk what. I would say I'm going to go crazy, but I won't and I would say I might kill everyone, but I won't. So I'll just be super bitter and pissed off basically.
I suppose I don't have anything else to say. I'm tired. Probably won't sleep until 1 though. Ugh.
Sunday, September 30, 2012
Update
I got a jobbbb. Yay! With a distribution company. Ha! Like I need that :-) I'm excited.
Got job, think I lost both Matt and Korey. Literal: win some, lose some situation.
I was wrong. I don't really care about Matt.
That's not what I mean/meant. I do. I do not care if he talks to me/wants to be with me/doesn't want to be with me.
I do care about Korey, andddd as usual, I fucked shit up.
How/whyyy? Oh, by being drunk, of fucking course.
I am going to admit something here, and here only: I think I have a drinking problem. It's not addiction or anything like that. It's an actual problem with drinking. Every time I drink, I black out. Every. Single. Time. That is not good.
So I said something to Korey. Who knows what I said or about what, but he is unhappy with me. I do know that I said, "Guys want to fuck me". I am such a hoosier lush. Who says that? And why? And who cares? Of course guys wants to fuck me, I am a female. Guys pretty much want to fuck any female. Why would I say that? I don't even remember saying it, he just repeated it back to me several times, and that sunk in.
I cried myself to sleep last night. So hard, that when I woke up, my eyes were so puffy, they had puff creases. Then I cried when I woke up.
I know like; universe, realtionships, reflections, nonattachment, no expectations, lessons, etc. But I am hurt. Mostly at myself, which sounds dumb I know, "hurt at myself". But really. I put myself in this situation and I fucked it up and I hurt now.
That's all I really have to say for now.
Sunday, September 23, 2012
Oh Jeez
Quick life update before I start on what I really want to say: Italian Fest was this weekend. It went really, really well. Tiring, as usual, but everything ran really smooth. I still don't have a job :-/ ugh. I feel like all I do is go on interviews and no one will fucking hired me :-( It's making me really sad. Andddd I have chiggers all over my body, which leads me into what I'd really like to talk about...
Friday I had sex with Matt. This has become a Friday ritual, and it's weird. So, we had sex in his backyard, which apparently is a haven for chiggers. I text him when I got home because I looked at my feet and they were COVERED in chigger bites. He didn't respond until the next day and right when I went to go text him again, because I discovered they were EVERYWHERE, he text me and basically said the same thing. And I was like WTF. They're all over my legs, my butt, my feet and even some on my arms. Outside sex FAIL. This whole story is actually beside my main point, which I'll get to now.
I am torn. I really like Korey. But I am so attached to Matt. Shaila keeps telling me to not worry about it or rush anything, but they are unknowingly pressuring me. Here is the basic layout of the situation, which I will try to keep in order.
So Korey and I have been talking for about a month. Actually, no, like 6 weeks or something. He didn't kiss me for a month. And then a few days later we had sex. As I said, I like him, he is nice and sane and put together and he likes me. Honestly, I could see some kind of future with him. I mentioned something on Twitter about me doing something shady, which I didn't (well, Matt maybe?...) and he asked what it was and if he should make other plans because he's not cool with me hooking up with...uh, anyone I guess. And I was like, well fuck. I didn't tell him because number one, we are not together and number two, Matt was first and we never stopped having sex, he's just a twat. Also, how was I supposed to know his thoughts on it? But even though I do know now, I'm not really doing anything about is, soooo....
Now, Matt. Ugh. Seriously, just UGH. He didn't talk to me for a few weeks and ever since he has been again, he talks to me pretty often. Almost daily really. But we haven't hung out, we just have sex. And since we started...whatever again, I keep telling him I'm not going to not talk to other people. I guess he thought I was kidding? I told him Friday I was talking to someone else and today (it's Sunday) he told me he's done with me. And I was like, whatever Matt, this situation is your fault. He knows how I feel about him and he knows I want to be with him, and he won't do it. I asked him today if I should give up and he said, "Never give up". Well, that's dandy, Matt. I told him I can't wait forever and that Korey likes me. Then he mention something about Twitter, which made me really happy because he does creep me, even though he says he doesn't. I told him I know he cares about me and he's scared and he fucking FINALLY admitted to caring about me. Seriously, finally. I've been involved with him for six months and he just now admitted he cares about me.
Now, I don't like to lie (actually I loathe it), but this situation is something I've not experienced. He wants me to stop talking to Korey. So I told him I would stop talking to him if he hangs out with me soon. So we are. I told him no sex, I can't anyway, I'll be on my period and he said "good". I am not going to stop talking to Korey.
SO here are my thoughts on this whole mess: Matt is a disaster, I am in love with him and attached. Not even attached in a negative, crazy way, I just really care about him. He is difficult, has never had a real girlfriend and would probably be an awful boyfriend. But I love our dynamic, for some reason, (which now that I think about it, makes me insane) and I am so attracted to him. I think he feeds my want for variety, the need to not be routine and keeps me guessing about everything, but his dedication and care for me (even though he would never say it) is very constant.
As for Korey, I really like him, but I don't have the same deep feelings I do for Matt. At the same time, I obviously haven't known him for long. I know he cares about me though because he listens to me. Oh, and he met my parents last night lol. Not like, a super official meeting, but they were at Hurricane's when we were there. And before we left he made a point to say bye to them. Honestly, I feel bad because I'm still sleeping with Matt and emotionally invested in Matt.
I honestly think my real problem here is my fear to commit. I pressure Matt to commit basically because I know he won't. I want to be with someone (not just anyone, that's not what I'm saying) and I don't because I'm scared. I'm scared to be with someone for four years again just to become unhappy. Or for the relationship to become stagnant. I'm just scared and I believe it may be a big reason why I am so drawn to Matt. After all, people in our lives are mirrors of yourself. Matt definitely mirrors me in that aspect.
I don't know. If anyone does read this and has any advice to offer, please do. I would really appreciate it.
Friday I had sex with Matt. This has become a Friday ritual, and it's weird. So, we had sex in his backyard, which apparently is a haven for chiggers. I text him when I got home because I looked at my feet and they were COVERED in chigger bites. He didn't respond until the next day and right when I went to go text him again, because I discovered they were EVERYWHERE, he text me and basically said the same thing. And I was like WTF. They're all over my legs, my butt, my feet and even some on my arms. Outside sex FAIL. This whole story is actually beside my main point, which I'll get to now.
I am torn. I really like Korey. But I am so attached to Matt. Shaila keeps telling me to not worry about it or rush anything, but they are unknowingly pressuring me. Here is the basic layout of the situation, which I will try to keep in order.
So Korey and I have been talking for about a month. Actually, no, like 6 weeks or something. He didn't kiss me for a month. And then a few days later we had sex. As I said, I like him, he is nice and sane and put together and he likes me. Honestly, I could see some kind of future with him. I mentioned something on Twitter about me doing something shady, which I didn't (well, Matt maybe?...) and he asked what it was and if he should make other plans because he's not cool with me hooking up with...uh, anyone I guess. And I was like, well fuck. I didn't tell him because number one, we are not together and number two, Matt was first and we never stopped having sex, he's just a twat. Also, how was I supposed to know his thoughts on it? But even though I do know now, I'm not really doing anything about is, soooo....
Now, Matt. Ugh. Seriously, just UGH. He didn't talk to me for a few weeks and ever since he has been again, he talks to me pretty often. Almost daily really. But we haven't hung out, we just have sex. And since we started...whatever again, I keep telling him I'm not going to not talk to other people. I guess he thought I was kidding? I told him Friday I was talking to someone else and today (it's Sunday) he told me he's done with me. And I was like, whatever Matt, this situation is your fault. He knows how I feel about him and he knows I want to be with him, and he won't do it. I asked him today if I should give up and he said, "Never give up". Well, that's dandy, Matt. I told him I can't wait forever and that Korey likes me. Then he mention something about Twitter, which made me really happy because he does creep me, even though he says he doesn't. I told him I know he cares about me and he's scared and he fucking FINALLY admitted to caring about me. Seriously, finally. I've been involved with him for six months and he just now admitted he cares about me.
Now, I don't like to lie (actually I loathe it), but this situation is something I've not experienced. He wants me to stop talking to Korey. So I told him I would stop talking to him if he hangs out with me soon. So we are. I told him no sex, I can't anyway, I'll be on my period and he said "good". I am not going to stop talking to Korey.
SO here are my thoughts on this whole mess: Matt is a disaster, I am in love with him and attached. Not even attached in a negative, crazy way, I just really care about him. He is difficult, has never had a real girlfriend and would probably be an awful boyfriend. But I love our dynamic, for some reason, (which now that I think about it, makes me insane) and I am so attracted to him. I think he feeds my want for variety, the need to not be routine and keeps me guessing about everything, but his dedication and care for me (even though he would never say it) is very constant.
As for Korey, I really like him, but I don't have the same deep feelings I do for Matt. At the same time, I obviously haven't known him for long. I know he cares about me though because he listens to me. Oh, and he met my parents last night lol. Not like, a super official meeting, but they were at Hurricane's when we were there. And before we left he made a point to say bye to them. Honestly, I feel bad because I'm still sleeping with Matt and emotionally invested in Matt.
I honestly think my real problem here is my fear to commit. I pressure Matt to commit basically because I know he won't. I want to be with someone (not just anyone, that's not what I'm saying) and I don't because I'm scared. I'm scared to be with someone for four years again just to become unhappy. Or for the relationship to become stagnant. I'm just scared and I believe it may be a big reason why I am so drawn to Matt. After all, people in our lives are mirrors of yourself. Matt definitely mirrors me in that aspect.
I don't know. If anyone does read this and has any advice to offer, please do. I would really appreciate it.
Tuesday, September 4, 2012
I'm really good at babbling
Speaking of, can I post pics on this bitch? I have some funny pics I take of shit. I would have to edit some, so as to not expose the douche bags. Or just cuteness. Depending. If I were blogging from my phone I bet I could figure it out. My phone is my boyfriend, like whoa.
Anyway. I don't know why I even decided to blog right now. I feel like I have some things to say or I should update on life or something. I guess I'll do that.
About life: I still don't have a jobbb. I'm getting really anxious and depressed. Today I was in an extremely foul mood. I'm still waiting on a call back from the Apex interview I had last week. Apparently no one has heard back yet though, which makes me feel better. I think I said the other day that my little spiritual friend, Cody (I say little bc he's 19) told me that I'm "not looking for the right job, the right job is looking for me". Damn, I love that kid. And I keep trying to keep that in mind. Because he is right. Stressing just makes the situation worse.
I know that it will happen. But damn, I am not used to being so bored. I'm mean, I'm working part time at the Dazz. But if I'm working part time, I'm also used to taking 5 classes and probably also working another job too. JUST working part time is making me crazy. I vary between having all this energy all of the time to wanting to sleep all day because I'm depressed. It's fucking maddening.
On the upside of things, Korey is like, legitimately interested in me. And naturally, I'm being a weirdo spazz about it. Well, kind of. I mean, we've only hung out like, four time. But we haven't kissed. But he talks to me like every day. And tonight he asked when he would get to see me again. So we're hanging out Thursday. And maybe Saturday.
Here's what my crazy mind is thinking: What if he's a bad kisser? Then I can't have sex with him. And then I can't like him O__O
Or what if he's fine and then we go to have sex and he has a weird wiener?! Or is bad? Whyyy am I over thinking it so much?!
Probably because he's a normal, sane, stable, human being capable of taking care of himself so I feel like being a psycho and sabotaging it.
I like how I know exactly what the dilemma is, yet I am somehow incapable (or more unwilling) to change the situation.
Like, analyze this: Why am I so hung up on Matt? Because he's a disaster!! Because I want to "fix" him. Just like every other loser I've dated. Because he goes back and forth between showering me with attention to nothing. But mainly, the fix thing. Something is wrong with you, I want to fix you.
Teal Scott (as well as other spiritual healers/guides) say that you cannot fix someone because that insinuates that something is wrong with them. And in reality, nothing is "wrong" with them. They just may be stuck in the same life lesson because they are not learning correctly from it. And while you can aid them, if they want, ultimately it is up to them to make the change.
With this thought in my head, Chris used to always tell me he "changed for me". This is a negative way to perceive things for a few reasons. For one, why would you do anything for anyone other than yourself? If you don't have children that is. For another, he didn't really do anything. He got a job. Well, welcome to reality, Chris.
Moving on. I say nothing's going on in my life, but really there's a lot going on. It's shifting and changing and I really feel that it's for the better. I mean, it has to be for the better, because that's how the universe works ;) So I'll just keep moving forward.
Anyway. I don't know why I even decided to blog right now. I feel like I have some things to say or I should update on life or something. I guess I'll do that.
About life: I still don't have a jobbb. I'm getting really anxious and depressed. Today I was in an extremely foul mood. I'm still waiting on a call back from the Apex interview I had last week. Apparently no one has heard back yet though, which makes me feel better. I think I said the other day that my little spiritual friend, Cody (I say little bc he's 19) told me that I'm "not looking for the right job, the right job is looking for me". Damn, I love that kid. And I keep trying to keep that in mind. Because he is right. Stressing just makes the situation worse.
I know that it will happen. But damn, I am not used to being so bored. I'm mean, I'm working part time at the Dazz. But if I'm working part time, I'm also used to taking 5 classes and probably also working another job too. JUST working part time is making me crazy. I vary between having all this energy all of the time to wanting to sleep all day because I'm depressed. It's fucking maddening.
On the upside of things, Korey is like, legitimately interested in me. And naturally, I'm being a weirdo spazz about it. Well, kind of. I mean, we've only hung out like, four time. But we haven't kissed. But he talks to me like every day. And tonight he asked when he would get to see me again. So we're hanging out Thursday. And maybe Saturday.
Here's what my crazy mind is thinking: What if he's a bad kisser? Then I can't have sex with him. And then I can't like him O__O
Or what if he's fine and then we go to have sex and he has a weird wiener?! Or is bad? Whyyy am I over thinking it so much?!
Probably because he's a normal, sane, stable, human being capable of taking care of himself so I feel like being a psycho and sabotaging it.
I like how I know exactly what the dilemma is, yet I am somehow incapable (or more unwilling) to change the situation.
Like, analyze this: Why am I so hung up on Matt? Because he's a disaster!! Because I want to "fix" him. Just like every other loser I've dated. Because he goes back and forth between showering me with attention to nothing. But mainly, the fix thing. Something is wrong with you, I want to fix you.
Teal Scott (as well as other spiritual healers/guides) say that you cannot fix someone because that insinuates that something is wrong with them. And in reality, nothing is "wrong" with them. They just may be stuck in the same life lesson because they are not learning correctly from it. And while you can aid them, if they want, ultimately it is up to them to make the change.
With this thought in my head, Chris used to always tell me he "changed for me". This is a negative way to perceive things for a few reasons. For one, why would you do anything for anyone other than yourself? If you don't have children that is. For another, he didn't really do anything. He got a job. Well, welcome to reality, Chris.
Moving on. I say nothing's going on in my life, but really there's a lot going on. It's shifting and changing and I really feel that it's for the better. I mean, it has to be for the better, because that's how the universe works ;) So I'll just keep moving forward.
Sunday, September 2, 2012
I am missing the lesson. Or something.
I say I'm missing the lesson because I keep going back to this.
So yeah, having sex with Matt. It was like, whatever. I mean, I am comfortable with him and know he's not sleeping around and I don't want to sleep around and sometimes you just have to have sex. I thought that would be the end of it.
Well on Wednesday he text me again. Wanted me to come over, blah blah. Then I find out he's at Adam's, and I'm like WTF NO! Then he got mad b/c he didn't know Adam liked me and of course my big mouth told him. Oops. BUT I didn't go there. Or to his house when he invited me. And then he was saying really crazy sexual things to me, which is SO unlike him.
SO Friday comes around and I creeped and knew he was going out of town this weekend so I didn't expect to hear from him. But he did text me and wanted me to come over. And bugged me for awhile. I even told him I couldn't have sex because I was on my period and he said that was fine. So I went there.
I stayed until like, 3 in the morning. He wouldn't let me leave, he was being clingy. It's SO WEIRD to me. The whole situation is weird. That's why I think I'm missing something.
And now, I'm obsessing. AGAIN.
He was tweeting this 19 y/o girl and I text him and basically yelled at him. I don't even know WHY. Like, we're not together, at all! I can't believe I did that, but I was just so pissed. He called me and I kept ignoring it. Then I asked him what the hell and he said "love you" and I said "Fuck yourself Matt. You really know how you want to stay unhappy in life". He text me this morning at 745 and said "ohhh fuck", then again at 845 and said "drugs" then AGAIN at 145 and said "and I apologize. I slept with a dude on the couch"...
I just text him back a little bit ago and I asked what he is apologizing for and he hasn't responded. It's just so weird. What is he apologizing for? If he was on drugs...idk what drugs...whatever. I mean, he deleted ALL of his tweets from last night.
Weird he just responded and said "for being a dumb stupid idiot". Jesus. Idk. I'm talking to three other guys and I'm hung up on this dumbfuck that's excuse is "drugs". I have a headache from thinking about it.
So my whole point is, I'm missing something. No sane, self respecting person puts themselves in this situation. And not only am I in the situation, I seem to be firmly planted. Any time I feel like I'm getting over him, something happens. He talks to me, I see him somewhere, a song he sent me comes on, someone asks me about him, etc. It's tiring.
When I was at his house the other day I told him I wasn't going to talk to him exclusively. Then he got all pissy about Adam and made me promise I wouldn't hook up with him, and I was like, oook done because I'm not even attracted to Adam.
Talking about this is making me extremely tired. Speaking of tired, I haven't been sleeping well at allll lately. It's driving me nuts.
On a side note, I'm going out with Korey tonight. But at like, 11. When he's done with the local show shit. Soooo maybe I can actually talk to him like a normal human being instead of blackout drunk. We shall see.
Well on Wednesday he text me again. Wanted me to come over, blah blah. Then I find out he's at Adam's, and I'm like WTF NO! Then he got mad b/c he didn't know Adam liked me and of course my big mouth told him. Oops. BUT I didn't go there. Or to his house when he invited me. And then he was saying really crazy sexual things to me, which is SO unlike him.
SO Friday comes around and I creeped and knew he was going out of town this weekend so I didn't expect to hear from him. But he did text me and wanted me to come over. And bugged me for awhile. I even told him I couldn't have sex because I was on my period and he said that was fine. So I went there.
I stayed until like, 3 in the morning. He wouldn't let me leave, he was being clingy. It's SO WEIRD to me. The whole situation is weird. That's why I think I'm missing something.
And now, I'm obsessing. AGAIN.
He was tweeting this 19 y/o girl and I text him and basically yelled at him. I don't even know WHY. Like, we're not together, at all! I can't believe I did that, but I was just so pissed. He called me and I kept ignoring it. Then I asked him what the hell and he said "love you" and I said "Fuck yourself Matt. You really know how you want to stay unhappy in life". He text me this morning at 745 and said "ohhh fuck", then again at 845 and said "drugs" then AGAIN at 145 and said "and I apologize. I slept with a dude on the couch"...
I just text him back a little bit ago and I asked what he is apologizing for and he hasn't responded. It's just so weird. What is he apologizing for? If he was on drugs...idk what drugs...whatever. I mean, he deleted ALL of his tweets from last night.
Weird he just responded and said "for being a dumb stupid idiot". Jesus. Idk. I'm talking to three other guys and I'm hung up on this dumbfuck that's excuse is "drugs". I have a headache from thinking about it.
So my whole point is, I'm missing something. No sane, self respecting person puts themselves in this situation. And not only am I in the situation, I seem to be firmly planted. Any time I feel like I'm getting over him, something happens. He talks to me, I see him somewhere, a song he sent me comes on, someone asks me about him, etc. It's tiring.
When I was at his house the other day I told him I wasn't going to talk to him exclusively. Then he got all pissy about Adam and made me promise I wouldn't hook up with him, and I was like, oook done because I'm not even attracted to Adam.
Talking about this is making me extremely tired. Speaking of tired, I haven't been sleeping well at allll lately. It's driving me nuts.
On a side note, I'm going out with Korey tonight. But at like, 11. When he's done with the local show shit. Soooo maybe I can actually talk to him like a normal human being instead of blackout drunk. We shall see.
Sunday, August 26, 2012
Guess what I did?
I am such a disaster.
So Friday Matt text me. I ignored him for awhile. Then text him back. THEN WENT AND HAD SEX WITH HIM. Fail, Brittni, fail. Thennn I whined to him about it today. He told me to stop being such a girl. And he's right. What a fucker.
Aside from that, last night. I don't know what happened last night, but something between coming home from the Loading Dock and going to Friday's...shit got crazy. Korey...ohhh I have to talk about Korey...anyway he came up to Friday's. There was a fight...Toon got arrested. I blacked out hard. I guess we left Friday's and went to Red Bar. I don't remember. Korey said he thought I left and Matt Dill said he thought I was in the bathroom. They picked the lock and I was passed out and didn't even have my pants up! WTF.
Korey tried to take me home, went to my old house lol. I threw up about a million times, I guess. I don't remember. He ponyed my hair with one of those stretchy arm band things. I woke up on his living room floor. Right now it's almost 1am and I could easily throw up. I have bruises EVERYWHERE. My knees are scraped.
I text Korey and told him I was sorry he had to babysit me. He said it was ok because he likes me :-D lol which is ridic because...well for obvious reasons.
So I haven't mentioned him before now and I'll tell you how that came about. I creeped his Twitter and messaged him lol. We met the next day, we know a lot of the same people. I didn't talk to him for a few days and I won Sublime tickets, went to go pick up them and he was working there. He works for the point. It was weird and I thought, "Synchronicity! I should probably talk to him". So I have been. He's nice.
SO there's that, I'm a mess andddd welcome to my life. Oh, and I have an interview tomorrow that I'm really excited about. Yay!
So Friday Matt text me. I ignored him for awhile. Then text him back. THEN WENT AND HAD SEX WITH HIM. Fail, Brittni, fail. Thennn I whined to him about it today. He told me to stop being such a girl. And he's right. What a fucker.
Aside from that, last night. I don't know what happened last night, but something between coming home from the Loading Dock and going to Friday's...shit got crazy. Korey...ohhh I have to talk about Korey...anyway he came up to Friday's. There was a fight...Toon got arrested. I blacked out hard. I guess we left Friday's and went to Red Bar. I don't remember. Korey said he thought I left and Matt Dill said he thought I was in the bathroom. They picked the lock and I was passed out and didn't even have my pants up! WTF.
Korey tried to take me home, went to my old house lol. I threw up about a million times, I guess. I don't remember. He ponyed my hair with one of those stretchy arm band things. I woke up on his living room floor. Right now it's almost 1am and I could easily throw up. I have bruises EVERYWHERE. My knees are scraped.
I text Korey and told him I was sorry he had to babysit me. He said it was ok because he likes me :-D lol which is ridic because...well for obvious reasons.
So I haven't mentioned him before now and I'll tell you how that came about. I creeped his Twitter and messaged him lol. We met the next day, we know a lot of the same people. I didn't talk to him for a few days and I won Sublime tickets, went to go pick up them and he was working there. He works for the point. It was weird and I thought, "Synchronicity! I should probably talk to him". So I have been. He's nice.
SO there's that, I'm a mess andddd welcome to my life. Oh, and I have an interview tomorrow that I'm really excited about. Yay!
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