Why not take the risk? What's the worst that will happen? Won't it feel better to release the "what ifs" and just find out the answer?
The worst that can happen, in any situation, is rejection of your expectations. In that case, move on knowing it wasn't right and another, better opportunity will present itself. So accept that fact, and move on. As Errity said, it's our expectations that hold us back. Forget these and you will be happier.
Being a control freak, this has been a really hard lesson for me to learn. But I would say it has also been the most important. A lot of my stress has been alleviated. When you let go of the false control you have over events, it presents the opportunity for growth and development.
I don't understand why more people don't take risks. If it is meant to work out, it will work out. The universe will aid in what is good for you and your higher self. Every outcome of every situation is exactly how that scenario was supposed to work out. Don't question it. Go with the flow.
On the flip side, if you want to create your reality, then do so. But you have to know, feel and fully believe that you can create that reality. This truth is extremely hard for most people to grasp, and even once understood, hard to achieve. Because you have to not have expectations. You just have to know and therefore manifest that into your reality. But you also must know that you cannot create a reality for others who do not want that. Because as much as we are one, if we want to hold on to our "individuality", we have the ability to do that as well.
Fear is a driving factor in our daily life and it is what it all boils down to. As a society, we are controlled by fear: Fear of rejection, fear of punishment, fear of "losing it all" (in reality, "losing it all" is a good thing ;-) ), fear of judgment, fear of being different, etc. When you remove the fear, problems often fix themselves. Do not be afraid to love, show love, be love. Don't be afraid of excellence. Even failure is part of excellence. How would you know excellence if you had not failed to get there? If you had not made mistakes, how would you know what was right?
"If you find that some portion [of your life] is falling apart, this may be a sign from the universe that you are holding on to an old way of being that no longer serves your highest good" - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o7irjufKfmk Letting go is a big part in not only becoming enlightened, but personal happiness. Personal happiness also serves the consciousness grid to lead to overall happiness, as a collective human species.
So question everything. And when I say everything, I literally mean everything. Question reading this. Question your reality. There is no greater truth than when we realize that we are all connected, we are all one and we cannot be controlled by fear and manipulation. Don't let advertising, the media, politicians, "terrorists" or even your social group (and family!) stear you away from the ultimate truth that we all inherently know. We create our destiny. We are the universe, God, Source or whatever you want to call it. Know this. Be happy.
Namaste :-)
Wednesday, June 13, 2012
Tuesday, June 12, 2012
Weirdest experience EVER
Have you ever had something happen to you and you were just like, what in THE FUCK was that?! Well I had that happen last night.
Matt and I went to Red Bar after he got off work. Everything was fine and normal, or as normal as things can be when you hang out with Matt. I was listening to this guy talk to my right. I told Matt he was African. We had like a three minute discussion about it. Matt said something like, listen to him talk. And I was like...uh huh lol he has an accent. That was about it.
Suddenly, African man is over introducing himself to us. Ok, cool, whatever. It was a little awkward, but I figured he would wander away. He seemed to be pretty drunk. But no, he talked and talked.
He was like, you guys are a beautiful couple blah blah blahhh. WEIRD. We are not a couple. I guess he somehow sensed shortly after he said it that we weren't and was like, "Matt why don't you lock it down? She is beautiful, lock her down". This went on for several minutes. Then he starts telling me, "You love Matt, why don't you want to be with him? You guys should be together" and on and on and on. I'm not even kidding. And it got worse.
African man, whose name was Samson, would NOT leave me alone about being with Matt. Like, seriously. Going on and on about how I love him. AND THEN he told Matt I think about him when I masturbate. I fucking shit you not, those words came out of his mouth. At this point, everyone in the bar was looking at us and I walked away and went to the bathroom. Of course someone was in the bathroom, so I had to wait. But I could STILL hear him talking and talking about me.
So I come back a few minutes later and he's still talking to Matt, and I'm like, we gotta go. Which Matt was fine with, of course. Samson, not so much. He's like, you guys can't go, blah blahhh. OMGOMGOMG. I seriously couldn't believe it was happening.
Here is the weirdest thing about it: How did Samson the African man know? I mean like, yeah, sure, drunken ramblings. How did it seriously, (seemingly) randomly happen to apply to us? Are there really such things as coincidences? Eckhart Tolle said, "Life will give you whatever experience is the most helpful for the evolution of your consciousness". In that thought, that experience was somehow helpful, as horrifying as it was, was it not?
I do love Matt, right now, in this experience. Was I going to tell the drunken African Samson that? No way in hell. Was almost all of what Samson said true? It fucking was. He asked Matt if he wanted to be with me and Matt said yeah. I don't know if he was trying to get him to shut up or if he was for real. I'm not going to ask though. If he is for real, I would hope he would tell me.
Out of the two + months Matt and I have been seeing each other, I've seen him more over the past week (post freak out!) than I ever have. And he's asked me to hang out every time. I've seen him 5 days in a row. That's a vast difference from him telling me he likes his space and doesn't like to hang out every day. Which I never said I wanted to in the first place, he did.
At this point, I'm literally going with the flow. Yes, I am putting other people off for him. I'm ok with that. If nothing serious ends up happening with us, I'm ok with that. I'm glad he's in my life right now. I would like him to stay, but I can't have control over him. For once in my life, I am ok with not having control. It feels good actually.
.........
Aside from that weirdness (oh and now that I'm thinking about it, Matt tweeted this morning and said "U WUV MUT", which is essentially what the African man was saying, I love Matt lol), it's freezing in my office. Well, I'm freezing. Which is nothing new. I hate it though. I hate being cold ALL the time. On often think that I might actually be cold blooded. My hands and feet are like ice. The temp is set at 71. A normal person would not be cold.
I had something else I was going to say, and I completely forgot....I hate that!
Well, this is on my mind. Matt wouldn't have sex with me last night. This annoys THE SHIT out of me. You are male, you should ALWAYS want to have sex. I told him he was acting like a 45 year old woman. He said I was being mean. Whatever! Then he said he was going to stay with me while my family is gone so we'll be having sex a lot. My response was, "What if I die before then? What if you die before then"? This did not convince him. I'm still mad about this and haven't talked to him today.
But it is nice to think about sleeping with him. The African also mentioned something about how I miss Matt at night. What the FUCK dude, quit tuning in to my brain. Not while I'm trying to hang out and drink. What a weird experience.
I actually took off Monday and Tuesday of next week. It's going to be so nice with no one in my house to bug me. I can't wait to move the fuck out. I literally passed up going to Jamaica so that I could be alone. It's going to be amazing.
Matt and I went to Red Bar after he got off work. Everything was fine and normal, or as normal as things can be when you hang out with Matt. I was listening to this guy talk to my right. I told Matt he was African. We had like a three minute discussion about it. Matt said something like, listen to him talk. And I was like...uh huh lol he has an accent. That was about it.
Suddenly, African man is over introducing himself to us. Ok, cool, whatever. It was a little awkward, but I figured he would wander away. He seemed to be pretty drunk. But no, he talked and talked.
He was like, you guys are a beautiful couple blah blah blahhh. WEIRD. We are not a couple. I guess he somehow sensed shortly after he said it that we weren't and was like, "Matt why don't you lock it down? She is beautiful, lock her down". This went on for several minutes. Then he starts telling me, "You love Matt, why don't you want to be with him? You guys should be together" and on and on and on. I'm not even kidding. And it got worse.
African man, whose name was Samson, would NOT leave me alone about being with Matt. Like, seriously. Going on and on about how I love him. AND THEN he told Matt I think about him when I masturbate. I fucking shit you not, those words came out of his mouth. At this point, everyone in the bar was looking at us and I walked away and went to the bathroom. Of course someone was in the bathroom, so I had to wait. But I could STILL hear him talking and talking about me.
So I come back a few minutes later and he's still talking to Matt, and I'm like, we gotta go. Which Matt was fine with, of course. Samson, not so much. He's like, you guys can't go, blah blahhh. OMGOMGOMG. I seriously couldn't believe it was happening.
Here is the weirdest thing about it: How did Samson the African man know? I mean like, yeah, sure, drunken ramblings. How did it seriously, (seemingly) randomly happen to apply to us? Are there really such things as coincidences? Eckhart Tolle said, "Life will give you whatever experience is the most helpful for the evolution of your consciousness". In that thought, that experience was somehow helpful, as horrifying as it was, was it not?
I do love Matt, right now, in this experience. Was I going to tell the drunken African Samson that? No way in hell. Was almost all of what Samson said true? It fucking was. He asked Matt if he wanted to be with me and Matt said yeah. I don't know if he was trying to get him to shut up or if he was for real. I'm not going to ask though. If he is for real, I would hope he would tell me.
Out of the two + months Matt and I have been seeing each other, I've seen him more over the past week (post freak out!) than I ever have. And he's asked me to hang out every time. I've seen him 5 days in a row. That's a vast difference from him telling me he likes his space and doesn't like to hang out every day. Which I never said I wanted to in the first place, he did.
At this point, I'm literally going with the flow. Yes, I am putting other people off for him. I'm ok with that. If nothing serious ends up happening with us, I'm ok with that. I'm glad he's in my life right now. I would like him to stay, but I can't have control over him. For once in my life, I am ok with not having control. It feels good actually.
.........
Aside from that weirdness (oh and now that I'm thinking about it, Matt tweeted this morning and said "U WUV MUT", which is essentially what the African man was saying, I love Matt lol), it's freezing in my office. Well, I'm freezing. Which is nothing new. I hate it though. I hate being cold ALL the time. On often think that I might actually be cold blooded. My hands and feet are like ice. The temp is set at 71. A normal person would not be cold.
I had something else I was going to say, and I completely forgot....I hate that!
Well, this is on my mind. Matt wouldn't have sex with me last night. This annoys THE SHIT out of me. You are male, you should ALWAYS want to have sex. I told him he was acting like a 45 year old woman. He said I was being mean. Whatever! Then he said he was going to stay with me while my family is gone so we'll be having sex a lot. My response was, "What if I die before then? What if you die before then"? This did not convince him. I'm still mad about this and haven't talked to him today.
But it is nice to think about sleeping with him. The African also mentioned something about how I miss Matt at night. What the FUCK dude, quit tuning in to my brain. Not while I'm trying to hang out and drink. What a weird experience.
I actually took off Monday and Tuesday of next week. It's going to be so nice with no one in my house to bug me. I can't wait to move the fuck out. I literally passed up going to Jamaica so that I could be alone. It's going to be amazing.
Monday, June 11, 2012
Is it considered a problem if it is rigidly controlled?
I feel I'm a pretty real person. That being said, I'm about to get really real and admit things that I have not admitted to myself. I may have to work on this for several days before publishing.
....SO, as I talk about often, I am working on healing myself. Life is traumatic on many levels, for many reasons, in a different way for every person. Every situation affects each individual differently. We see this in abuse cases, drug addiction and every day life.
One of the main things I am working on in my life, that ties into self-love, is being less destructive to myself. From a very young age I've been a self destructive person.
I would say it started when I was around 10, I started cutting myself. Not intensely, but at 25, I still have some of the scars.
I lost my virginity at a very young age (13), in a shitty circumstance. First of all, a 13 year old shouldn't be in a sexual circumstance, so that makes any circumstance shitty. I was not raped, I will say that. But losing your virginity at such a young age has a profound impact on your life. Or maybe it does at any age, but I can't testify to that. All I know is that after that, I slept with way too many people for the wrong reasons. It was not that I was looking for love; it was the opposite actually. I wanted to use people like I felt I had been used. No one wins in that situation.
I also smoked pot for the first time when I was thirteen, as well as get obliterated drunk shortly after at fourteen. Eight grade to be exact. I think for many kids now, this is somewhat normal. The situations they occurred under were not normal though, and happened often. Looking back at it, I actually had a great time, so it's whatever. Just a building block, I suppose.
When I was 16 I was put on heavy antidepressants, Klonopins. They're similar to Xanax. My doctor told me I was bi-polar. What a fucking moron. I was a zombie for several years off and on (through changing medications) until I was prescribed Lexapro, a general antianxiety/antidepressant, along with a low dose of Xanax. I only took the Xanax when I had a panic attack. Which is a stupid way to conquer a problem when you think about it.
When I was 19 I overdosed on the prescribed Xanax. I was in intensive care for a few days (I can't even remember how long) and had to be evaluated before I was allowed to leave. That's actually where I met the psychoanalyst I used to see, he was a nice man, but I had to move on as he was not helping me anymore. I did go to him for several years though. He was probably the first person to help me realize that I just really didn't like myself.
My Xanax prescription was taken away after the overdose, which was fine. I didn't take it for a few years. Then I asked for it back, but it is rigidly controlled. Unlike the 90 count I used to get, I now get 15. And I save them. It's shit anyway, not only is it addictive, but you need more and more every time you take it. So I'm ok with not having a lot. They zombie me out for sure.
I was never much of a drinker until I was 21. I started dating Chris then, and between still hurting from the previous domestic abuse and Chris' family owning several bars, I started to drink a lot. Not out of control drinking, but when I drank (and still now) I got out of control sometimes. I am really amazed that I have never been seriously physically hurt or arrested to be honest.
I still get black out drunk pretty often. I usually don't save my Xanax for panic attics; I take them when I'm drinking. I know these things aren't good for me, yet I do them anyway. I know a lot of people do. But I have recounted some of the things that I do when in this state. I am clearly trying to bury things within myself.
That being said, I am better than I was in December. When Chris and I broke up and he told me he was about to propose to me, I was a disaster. I am grateful to him and Ashley both for making me realize what I was doing to myself. Which I knew, in a detached, uncaring way.
These things being said, I have a lot to work on. Especially because, and this is the most disturbing part, some days I wish I could just be a bum drug addict. Which is strange, considering I don't have an addictive personality and have never been addicted to anything. But for some reason, on same days, I wish I could give up and waste my days fucked up on some nasty shit.
One time, when my parents were going through their marital problems, my dad was telling me how my mom was molested when she was a little girl. He asked if anything bad had ever happened to me. I said I don't think so, but I know sometimes people repress these things. Especially if they occurred before an age where your mind can really process what's going on. I wonder if that's why I have some problems with intimacy. True intimacy, not sexual acts. The fact that I have always been ok with sexual acts and less ok with real emotion is somewhat troublesome to me.
Laying all these things out there sucks. But admitting my downfalls helps to fall less. So there it is.
....SO, as I talk about often, I am working on healing myself. Life is traumatic on many levels, for many reasons, in a different way for every person. Every situation affects each individual differently. We see this in abuse cases, drug addiction and every day life.
One of the main things I am working on in my life, that ties into self-love, is being less destructive to myself. From a very young age I've been a self destructive person.
I would say it started when I was around 10, I started cutting myself. Not intensely, but at 25, I still have some of the scars.
I lost my virginity at a very young age (13), in a shitty circumstance. First of all, a 13 year old shouldn't be in a sexual circumstance, so that makes any circumstance shitty. I was not raped, I will say that. But losing your virginity at such a young age has a profound impact on your life. Or maybe it does at any age, but I can't testify to that. All I know is that after that, I slept with way too many people for the wrong reasons. It was not that I was looking for love; it was the opposite actually. I wanted to use people like I felt I had been used. No one wins in that situation.
I also smoked pot for the first time when I was thirteen, as well as get obliterated drunk shortly after at fourteen. Eight grade to be exact. I think for many kids now, this is somewhat normal. The situations they occurred under were not normal though, and happened often. Looking back at it, I actually had a great time, so it's whatever. Just a building block, I suppose.
When I was 16 I was put on heavy antidepressants, Klonopins. They're similar to Xanax. My doctor told me I was bi-polar. What a fucking moron. I was a zombie for several years off and on (through changing medications) until I was prescribed Lexapro, a general antianxiety/antidepressant, along with a low dose of Xanax. I only took the Xanax when I had a panic attack. Which is a stupid way to conquer a problem when you think about it.
When I was 19 I overdosed on the prescribed Xanax. I was in intensive care for a few days (I can't even remember how long) and had to be evaluated before I was allowed to leave. That's actually where I met the psychoanalyst I used to see, he was a nice man, but I had to move on as he was not helping me anymore. I did go to him for several years though. He was probably the first person to help me realize that I just really didn't like myself.
My Xanax prescription was taken away after the overdose, which was fine. I didn't take it for a few years. Then I asked for it back, but it is rigidly controlled. Unlike the 90 count I used to get, I now get 15. And I save them. It's shit anyway, not only is it addictive, but you need more and more every time you take it. So I'm ok with not having a lot. They zombie me out for sure.
I was never much of a drinker until I was 21. I started dating Chris then, and between still hurting from the previous domestic abuse and Chris' family owning several bars, I started to drink a lot. Not out of control drinking, but when I drank (and still now) I got out of control sometimes. I am really amazed that I have never been seriously physically hurt or arrested to be honest.
I still get black out drunk pretty often. I usually don't save my Xanax for panic attics; I take them when I'm drinking. I know these things aren't good for me, yet I do them anyway. I know a lot of people do. But I have recounted some of the things that I do when in this state. I am clearly trying to bury things within myself.
That being said, I am better than I was in December. When Chris and I broke up and he told me he was about to propose to me, I was a disaster. I am grateful to him and Ashley both for making me realize what I was doing to myself. Which I knew, in a detached, uncaring way.
These things being said, I have a lot to work on. Especially because, and this is the most disturbing part, some days I wish I could just be a bum drug addict. Which is strange, considering I don't have an addictive personality and have never been addicted to anything. But for some reason, on same days, I wish I could give up and waste my days fucked up on some nasty shit.
One time, when my parents were going through their marital problems, my dad was telling me how my mom was molested when she was a little girl. He asked if anything bad had ever happened to me. I said I don't think so, but I know sometimes people repress these things. Especially if they occurred before an age where your mind can really process what's going on. I wonder if that's why I have some problems with intimacy. True intimacy, not sexual acts. The fact that I have always been ok with sexual acts and less ok with real emotion is somewhat troublesome to me.
Laying all these things out there sucks. But admitting my downfalls helps to fall less. So there it is.
Dreams
I should really keep a dream diary. I've always had very vivid and detailed dreams and can almost always recalled everything. I also usually am very aware that I am dreaming and can lucid dream, but I don't like controlling dreams because it's more fun to not, don't you think?
Either way, I have been having some interesting dreams lately. I'm not one to really buy into dream interpretations, dreams are relative to your personal experiences. However, I feel that many generic dream themes can have an umbrella meaning. Such as dreams about teeth, snakes or being nude. Those are common themes of dreams that are pretty universal, both in having dreams involving those things and in their meaning. Not always though.
Lately, several of my dreams have taken place in malls. I thought that was strange, so I looked it up. Dreams moods website said:
Either way, I have been having some interesting dreams lately. I'm not one to really buy into dream interpretations, dreams are relative to your personal experiences. However, I feel that many generic dream themes can have an umbrella meaning. Such as dreams about teeth, snakes or being nude. Those are common themes of dreams that are pretty universal, both in having dreams involving those things and in their meaning. Not always though.
Lately, several of my dreams have taken place in malls. I thought that was strange, so I looked it up. Dreams moods website said:
To dream that you are at the mall represents your attempts in making a favorable impression on someone. You are trying to establish your identity and sense of self. The choices you make in life will mold who you are as a person. The mall is also symbolic of materialism and the need to keep up with the trends, fads, and/or the latest technology. Consider the type and name of stores that you see in your dreams.
I found it to be rather interesting because I am trying to establish my sense of self. So, bingo on that interpretation. Strange, huh? Also, I know it's not about keeping up with trends for me. I know this because, I could give a fuck less about trends and don't recall seeing any stores, I am always in the main mall area.
Last night I had a dream that Matt proposed to me. How horrifying. In the dream, I said yes. And then freaked out because we haven't been seeing each other for very long (and we're not even actually together!), but I went along with it anyway because I decided that I loved him. This is way more disturbing to me than being in a mall. A mall dream would have been great, because now, I can't get this out of my head.
Last night I had a dream that Matt proposed to me. How horrifying. In the dream, I said yes. And then freaked out because we haven't been seeing each other for very long (and we're not even actually together!), but I went along with it anyway because I decided that I loved him. This is way more disturbing to me than being in a mall. A mall dream would have been great, because now, I can't get this out of my head.
So I looked up this interpretation. The same website said:
To dream that you are being proposed to indicates that you are merging a previously unknown aspect of yourself. More directly, the dream may mean that you are thinking about marriage or some serious long-term commitment/project/situation. Are you thinking about proposing to someone? Your reaction to the proposal indicates your true feelings about marriage or commitment.
Well fancy that. Merging a previously unknown aspect of myself? Like.....what? I guess I have to figure that out :-) I can assure you that I am not thinking about marriage or proposing to anyone, though. There were other interpretations on different websites...I didn't like them. So I'm going to ignore them. That'll make it go away, right?
I dislike that my subconscious is picking up on my feelings for Matt. Being drunk and drugged up saying things is a different story, I feel. It is easier to pass off. The fact that this dream thing is bothering me makes it even worse. I have weird dreams all the time. Why I am still thinking about this one? My uncomfortableness about the whole thing makes me even more uncomfortable.
I should explore why this makes me uncomfortable. I know a big part of it is because this is not what I wanted. Yet it is coming too easily. It's my belief that when things come easy, you go with it because it's part of your proposed life path. But I don't know how he really feels or what he really wants.
Hm. Just got on Twitter and one of the spiritual guidance accounts I follow updated "The less we think, the more we truly see". Again, I need to let it go and just go with the flow. I like that every time I get off track in my journey something or someone gets me back on track. It's relieving and refreshing. So I'll leave this for now.
On another note, today is national hug day. Yuck. That is a personal thing that I definitely need to explore more. I think I'm going to have a good meditation later today. It's a good day for that, with the rain and such :-)
Namaste beebs!
Namaste beebs!
Friday, June 8, 2012
3 1/2 hour workdays always seem longer
During the summer we have the option to stay later through the week and leave at noon on Fridays. Obviously I take advantage of this. But coming to work for only 3 1/2 hours always makes it seem like forever. Probably because I like to get all my work done before today, which leaves me with nothing to do, therefore I get bored. So what better to do than jabber about useless thoughts that come into my head?
Speaking of useless thoughts, I'm going to North Carolina soon to visit the relatives. Ashley is going with me. We're thinking September or October. Now that I think about it, Oct is probably better since it's after Italian Fest and I'm on the committee so I'll have a lot to do that month. Jana Rae's fiance cheated on her or something. I'm not sure of the entire story, she hasn't told me and I'm not going to bug her about it. But I thought I would go visit for support. Also I haven't seen her since we were small children. Since Vicki will be living there, maybe I'll visit her too. It should be a good time.
Speaking of Ashley, we're going shopping when I leave work. I need some clothing bad. And Ashley owes me $100, so I look at that as free money. And I got paid yesterday.
This week has been so boring. Both at work and at home. Well, kinda at home. Anyway, next week should be fun. Brian Heth is coming in town, I told him we would go to strip clubs b/c he's never been lol. I am somewhat afraid to hang out with him because I think he might try to have sex with me. Which sounds cocky, but it's not because he told me he wanted to have sex with me. But he's talking to someone now anddd I'm talking to Matt (or something) so hopefully the subject won't come up.
Speaking of weird situations, Ashley cousin text me and asked if I wanted to go to the lake Sunday. I don't lol. Is it weird that I feel shitty about not being interested in him? Because I do feel shitty about it. I don't know why, it really shouldn't matter. Maybe just because it's Ashley's cousin. And he's kind of persistent. Idk.
Also my family leaves for Jamaica on the 16th. This is great because they won't be around to annoy the fuck out of me, but I'm also kind of scared to be at home by myself. Which is completely irrational. So I hope I get over that really quickly. Our house is just so big and has so many ways to get in....omg. I might go stay with Ashley. Maybe Matt will stay with me a few days.
This weekend the Texans are coming in town. Well, not all of them, but Kristie, David, Erin, Todd and the baby, who I believe is named Wyatt. What a Texan name ahahaa! I haven't seen Erin since her wedding, which I believe was 4 years ago. So that will be nice. This will also include several family dinners, which I always enjoy because my family is entertaining. And they make good food. Especially my grandma. Granmam food is the best food in the world. OH! And Hayden will be around for entertainment. She is the funniest kid ever. I can't believe she's going to be 4 in August.
Speaking of kids and thinking about how everyone has kids, how do people do that? I actually like a lot of kids, but I would have NO idea what to do with one of my own. But I guess no one does, do they? Either way, I'm glad I started my period because there's always that fear (even if you haven't had sex in months) that you're going to be pregnant. It's horrifying.
What's more horrifying are stories like that "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant" show. Fucking kill me if that ever happens to me. Seriously. OR if I ever did get pregnant and had twins. I have always had this weird feeling that if I do have kids, I'll have two at once. Maybe just because that sounds like the scariest thing ever. I think I would hate whoever impregnanted me.
.....I'm trying to think of something else to talk about because if I post this, I go back to having nothing to do. It's 10:30 right now, so I have an hour and a half left.
Oh, so I'm reading that Deepak Chopra book, right? The chapter that I read yesterday talked about this way to meditate on your heart to open it. It was really awesome and I want to try it. I am pretty bad at meditating, I will admit. It's freaking hard. To completely clear your thoughts? I can't even do that when I'm trying to sleep. But it takes practice. I should practice more, really. I mean, it is good for you.
I like that Deepak approaches the topic of love in an unconventional manner. People always view love as fairy tale bullshit. I HATE that shit. Ashley calls me a "hater of love". I tell her I'm not a hater of love, I'm a realist. This infuriates her for some reason, so I always say it. But I am NOT a hater of love. The cultural view of love is wrong. It isn't "I love this person or that person", because everyone is connected, so it's I love EVERYONE, including myself. People seek love to help them feel whole. It never works. You have to personally feel whole before you can be with someone. I have talked about that before. That is why there are so many problems with relationships and marriages.
I'm only a few chapters into the book and I really like it so far, so I'm sure I'll have a lot more to say about it.
Switching topics again, I've hung out with Matt kind of a lot this week. I took Errity's blog advice about letting go of expectations (what a great post that was, I'm going to link to it at the end of this, everyone should read it. She is a much better writer than I am). I never realized how a person's expectations are the only thing that give you a view of a "good" or "bad" day. And my expectations from Matt were definitely getting the best of me.
That and after my crazy episode last weekend, I decided I needed to back up and chill the fuck out. This is another crazy, personal thought that I can't help but think. Maybe after I get it out it will go away: Isn't it kind of weird that I threw a little crazy baby fit this weekend and I've seen Matt more than usual? Definitely over thinking it, but I can't help that. He hasn't mentioned last weekend and neither have I. I do think that he is in love with me and afraid to admit it. But, whatever. I'm actually happy with the way things are right now.
Also, all I can think about is having sex with him and I'm on my period and it's killing me. Periods are fucking lame life ruiners. I find it strange that I like having sex with him. But I want to all the time. And now it's all I'm thinking about. Ughhhh! How (sexually) frustratingggg. Day is ruined! Jk.
It's not that I don't think about having sex with other people. Because I do (and I don't think that ever stops). But I know if I did, he probably wouldn't talk to me anymore...or have sex with me lol. And I don't want that. And usually when you have sex with someone one time, it's not that good anyway. I think emotional connections make sex better. I don't know why it took me 25 years to figure that out, but it definitely did.
I guess that's all the uselessness I have to say for today. Did not mean to rhyme that, but whatever lol.
Here's Errity's blog link for the Expectations post:
http://operationevolve.blogspot.com/2012/06/expectations.html
Speaking of useless thoughts, I'm going to North Carolina soon to visit the relatives. Ashley is going with me. We're thinking September or October. Now that I think about it, Oct is probably better since it's after Italian Fest and I'm on the committee so I'll have a lot to do that month. Jana Rae's fiance cheated on her or something. I'm not sure of the entire story, she hasn't told me and I'm not going to bug her about it. But I thought I would go visit for support. Also I haven't seen her since we were small children. Since Vicki will be living there, maybe I'll visit her too. It should be a good time.
Speaking of Ashley, we're going shopping when I leave work. I need some clothing bad. And Ashley owes me $100, so I look at that as free money. And I got paid yesterday.
This week has been so boring. Both at work and at home. Well, kinda at home. Anyway, next week should be fun. Brian Heth is coming in town, I told him we would go to strip clubs b/c he's never been lol. I am somewhat afraid to hang out with him because I think he might try to have sex with me. Which sounds cocky, but it's not because he told me he wanted to have sex with me. But he's talking to someone now anddd I'm talking to Matt (or something) so hopefully the subject won't come up.
Speaking of weird situations, Ashley cousin text me and asked if I wanted to go to the lake Sunday. I don't lol. Is it weird that I feel shitty about not being interested in him? Because I do feel shitty about it. I don't know why, it really shouldn't matter. Maybe just because it's Ashley's cousin. And he's kind of persistent. Idk.
Also my family leaves for Jamaica on the 16th. This is great because they won't be around to annoy the fuck out of me, but I'm also kind of scared to be at home by myself. Which is completely irrational. So I hope I get over that really quickly. Our house is just so big and has so many ways to get in....omg. I might go stay with Ashley. Maybe Matt will stay with me a few days.
This weekend the Texans are coming in town. Well, not all of them, but Kristie, David, Erin, Todd and the baby, who I believe is named Wyatt. What a Texan name ahahaa! I haven't seen Erin since her wedding, which I believe was 4 years ago. So that will be nice. This will also include several family dinners, which I always enjoy because my family is entertaining. And they make good food. Especially my grandma. Granmam food is the best food in the world. OH! And Hayden will be around for entertainment. She is the funniest kid ever. I can't believe she's going to be 4 in August.
Speaking of kids and thinking about how everyone has kids, how do people do that? I actually like a lot of kids, but I would have NO idea what to do with one of my own. But I guess no one does, do they? Either way, I'm glad I started my period because there's always that fear (even if you haven't had sex in months) that you're going to be pregnant. It's horrifying.
What's more horrifying are stories like that "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant" show. Fucking kill me if that ever happens to me. Seriously. OR if I ever did get pregnant and had twins. I have always had this weird feeling that if I do have kids, I'll have two at once. Maybe just because that sounds like the scariest thing ever. I think I would hate whoever impregnanted me.
.....I'm trying to think of something else to talk about because if I post this, I go back to having nothing to do. It's 10:30 right now, so I have an hour and a half left.
Oh, so I'm reading that Deepak Chopra book, right? The chapter that I read yesterday talked about this way to meditate on your heart to open it. It was really awesome and I want to try it. I am pretty bad at meditating, I will admit. It's freaking hard. To completely clear your thoughts? I can't even do that when I'm trying to sleep. But it takes practice. I should practice more, really. I mean, it is good for you.
I like that Deepak approaches the topic of love in an unconventional manner. People always view love as fairy tale bullshit. I HATE that shit. Ashley calls me a "hater of love". I tell her I'm not a hater of love, I'm a realist. This infuriates her for some reason, so I always say it. But I am NOT a hater of love. The cultural view of love is wrong. It isn't "I love this person or that person", because everyone is connected, so it's I love EVERYONE, including myself. People seek love to help them feel whole. It never works. You have to personally feel whole before you can be with someone. I have talked about that before. That is why there are so many problems with relationships and marriages.
I'm only a few chapters into the book and I really like it so far, so I'm sure I'll have a lot more to say about it.
Switching topics again, I've hung out with Matt kind of a lot this week. I took Errity's blog advice about letting go of expectations (what a great post that was, I'm going to link to it at the end of this, everyone should read it. She is a much better writer than I am). I never realized how a person's expectations are the only thing that give you a view of a "good" or "bad" day. And my expectations from Matt were definitely getting the best of me.
That and after my crazy episode last weekend, I decided I needed to back up and chill the fuck out. This is another crazy, personal thought that I can't help but think. Maybe after I get it out it will go away: Isn't it kind of weird that I threw a little crazy baby fit this weekend and I've seen Matt more than usual? Definitely over thinking it, but I can't help that. He hasn't mentioned last weekend and neither have I. I do think that he is in love with me and afraid to admit it. But, whatever. I'm actually happy with the way things are right now.
Also, all I can think about is having sex with him and I'm on my period and it's killing me. Periods are fucking lame life ruiners. I find it strange that I like having sex with him. But I want to all the time. And now it's all I'm thinking about. Ughhhh! How (sexually) frustratingggg. Day is ruined! Jk.
It's not that I don't think about having sex with other people. Because I do (and I don't think that ever stops). But I know if I did, he probably wouldn't talk to me anymore...or have sex with me lol. And I don't want that. And usually when you have sex with someone one time, it's not that good anyway. I think emotional connections make sex better. I don't know why it took me 25 years to figure that out, but it definitely did.
I guess that's all the uselessness I have to say for today. Did not mean to rhyme that, but whatever lol.
Here's Errity's blog link for the Expectations post:
http://operationevolve.blogspot.com/2012/06/expectations.html
Wednesday, June 6, 2012
Books are confusing
Books are not really confusing. But when you're reading three at the same time, they can be.
I'm reading Tolle's A New Earth, Chopra's The Path to Love (which now that I type that...makes me sound like a weirdo) and Stephen King's Full Dark, No Moon, which is contradictory to the others. I would say I'm reading King to lighten the mood of the other books, but clearly that would be a lie. I guess I'm reading it to detach from myself. Discovering yourself can be a heavy matter.
Speaking of, Chopra's book I'm reading isn't necessarily about love, it's about healing yourself to be more accepting of yourself, and therefore, love. I started reading it before the others because I realized while dating Chris that I wasn't fully healed from Tim's abuse. I always thought that talking about bad experiences made you feel better about them, and it does, in a way. But it doesn't heal you completely.
I did go to counseling for awhile. The problem with me going to counseling is that I'm a pretty self aware person. People who are psychologists, psychiatrists & even psychoanalysts (I've been to all three) are used speaking to people who are unaware of their problem. Or they are unaware of why they feel a certain way because of the problem. I don't have these issues. My issue stems from fixing the problem and changing my thoughts about the problem. No one can tell you how to do that, although I wish they could.
Solutions are often simple yet rarely easy.
So I started to look inside my self for the solution and realized that I needed a lot of personal healing. I think that everyone needs to look inside themselves and heal what hurts them. It would make the human race collectively happier and help us to expand our consciousness.
Chris was unfortunately a casualty of both my inner pain and personal healing. I shouldn't feel bad for doing what I needed to do for myself. But I do.
I think I mainly feel bad because he is such an emotional person and seems to not have the desire to look inward to help himself. I know he understands how to do this, we've discussed it many times. We've also discussed the importance of positive thoughts and the impact they have on your life, but he's clearly not doing that either.
Everything he projects towards me is negative. I wish he could see that just because he loves me that his life is not over because our relationship is. Every time I think I can talk to him like a friend, I find I am wrong.
I had shied away from mentioning anything about seeing someone because I didn't want him to feel I was shoving it in his face. Also, when we broke up I told him I needed to find myself, by myself. To him, this means I will be by myself forever.
He mentioned my uncle the other day and I told him I was kind of upset with my uncle so I haven't spoken to him. I told him I didn't want to discuss why. He asked several times, so finally I told him the reason, which was my uncle being disrespectful towards Matt. Chris flipped out and hung up on me.
He said it was a "slap in the face". What he doesn't understand is that I AM by myself. Just because I am seeing someone doesn't mean anything. Matt is not personally invasive to me whatsoever. In fact, he's the opposite. Aside from him not wanting me to sleep with people (which, in reality, is good for me to have someone to tell me not to) he has no control over my life, and I have none in his.
As I'm sure I've mentioned before, a person cannot really be happy with someone else until they are happy with themselves. I am working on being happy with myself. Yes, I like Matt, but in the long run, he will have no affect on my personal happiness with myself. If anything, he is aiding in it. That being said, I hope that Chris discovers true, full happiness. And I hope it's not pseudo-happiness in the form of a girlfriend/wife, though I feel it unfortunately will be.
Going back to my uncle though, I am still kind of upset with him. I should talk to him about it, but I feel like he might lecture me or give me a fake "whatever makes you happy" kind of thing. I mentioned before how alike he and I are. And we are, but I have chosen to...I don't even know what to call it. Like I said, my family is somewhat judgmental and also superficial. I strive to be neither of those things.
I will say my grandpa is the exception to both of those things. Which I had always known (and forgot), but I had a great conversation with him the other day. One in which my mom and grandma both interrupted.
I love my grandma as if she is my mother because she had a big part in raising me, but sometimes she can be embarrassing and especially superficial. Which is strange; you would think my gradpa would have worn off on her a bit after all these years.
I will say they were never superficial about Chris, which has been especially irritating in my seperation with him. NO, I do not know what Chris is doing today, or how he is doing, so please stop asking me. Also do not ask me to call/text him with a question you have. If you must talk to him, do it yourself.
Anyway, to wrap this up: books are not confusing and are insightful. Always try to heal yourself; strive for personal excellence. Solutions are often simple but rarely easy :-)
Namaste, friends!
I'm reading Tolle's A New Earth, Chopra's The Path to Love (which now that I type that...makes me sound like a weirdo) and Stephen King's Full Dark, No Moon, which is contradictory to the others. I would say I'm reading King to lighten the mood of the other books, but clearly that would be a lie. I guess I'm reading it to detach from myself. Discovering yourself can be a heavy matter.
Speaking of, Chopra's book I'm reading isn't necessarily about love, it's about healing yourself to be more accepting of yourself, and therefore, love. I started reading it before the others because I realized while dating Chris that I wasn't fully healed from Tim's abuse. I always thought that talking about bad experiences made you feel better about them, and it does, in a way. But it doesn't heal you completely.
I did go to counseling for awhile. The problem with me going to counseling is that I'm a pretty self aware person. People who are psychologists, psychiatrists & even psychoanalysts (I've been to all three) are used speaking to people who are unaware of their problem. Or they are unaware of why they feel a certain way because of the problem. I don't have these issues. My issue stems from fixing the problem and changing my thoughts about the problem. No one can tell you how to do that, although I wish they could.
Solutions are often simple yet rarely easy.
So I started to look inside my self for the solution and realized that I needed a lot of personal healing. I think that everyone needs to look inside themselves and heal what hurts them. It would make the human race collectively happier and help us to expand our consciousness.
Chris was unfortunately a casualty of both my inner pain and personal healing. I shouldn't feel bad for doing what I needed to do for myself. But I do.
I think I mainly feel bad because he is such an emotional person and seems to not have the desire to look inward to help himself. I know he understands how to do this, we've discussed it many times. We've also discussed the importance of positive thoughts and the impact they have on your life, but he's clearly not doing that either.
Everything he projects towards me is negative. I wish he could see that just because he loves me that his life is not over because our relationship is. Every time I think I can talk to him like a friend, I find I am wrong.
I had shied away from mentioning anything about seeing someone because I didn't want him to feel I was shoving it in his face. Also, when we broke up I told him I needed to find myself, by myself. To him, this means I will be by myself forever.
He mentioned my uncle the other day and I told him I was kind of upset with my uncle so I haven't spoken to him. I told him I didn't want to discuss why. He asked several times, so finally I told him the reason, which was my uncle being disrespectful towards Matt. Chris flipped out and hung up on me.
He said it was a "slap in the face". What he doesn't understand is that I AM by myself. Just because I am seeing someone doesn't mean anything. Matt is not personally invasive to me whatsoever. In fact, he's the opposite. Aside from him not wanting me to sleep with people (which, in reality, is good for me to have someone to tell me not to) he has no control over my life, and I have none in his.
As I'm sure I've mentioned before, a person cannot really be happy with someone else until they are happy with themselves. I am working on being happy with myself. Yes, I like Matt, but in the long run, he will have no affect on my personal happiness with myself. If anything, he is aiding in it. That being said, I hope that Chris discovers true, full happiness. And I hope it's not pseudo-happiness in the form of a girlfriend/wife, though I feel it unfortunately will be.
Going back to my uncle though, I am still kind of upset with him. I should talk to him about it, but I feel like he might lecture me or give me a fake "whatever makes you happy" kind of thing. I mentioned before how alike he and I are. And we are, but I have chosen to...I don't even know what to call it. Like I said, my family is somewhat judgmental and also superficial. I strive to be neither of those things.
I will say my grandpa is the exception to both of those things. Which I had always known (and forgot), but I had a great conversation with him the other day. One in which my mom and grandma both interrupted.
I love my grandma as if she is my mother because she had a big part in raising me, but sometimes she can be embarrassing and especially superficial. Which is strange; you would think my gradpa would have worn off on her a bit after all these years.
I will say they were never superficial about Chris, which has been especially irritating in my seperation with him. NO, I do not know what Chris is doing today, or how he is doing, so please stop asking me. Also do not ask me to call/text him with a question you have. If you must talk to him, do it yourself.
Anyway, to wrap this up: books are not confusing and are insightful. Always try to heal yourself; strive for personal excellence. Solutions are often simple but rarely easy :-)
Namaste, friends!
Monday, June 4, 2012
spirit science loveeee (with update)
https://yfrog.com/Himg858/scaled.php?tn=0&server=858&filename=2b36.jpg&xsize=480&ysize=480
I was going to start this post differently, but then I saw this picture (word pic?) on Twitter, and it made me think. If you click it, if it works, it's about hugging. I hate hugging. Like, do not touch me. I don't like hugging anyone. On occasion, if I'm seeing someone or in a relationship, it's ok. I'll cuddle with them, which is kind of the same? But I don't like when my friend, parents, family, or ESPECIALLY strangers hug me. I mean, I hug people. It's something people are supposed to do. I just don't enjoy it. There has to be some hidden reason for that, wouldn't you think? I know I've touched on it before, but every time it comes up, it just really makes me think.
Anyway, I actually started this post because I was going to talk about Spirit Science ( thespiritscience.net check it out) and how I joined their forum today. Best, self-loving decision EVER. Literally. I made a post about how I need to be happy learning to be alone and really love myself (I made poor decisions this weekend, surprise!) and got immediate, insightful responses. That's love. It immediately expanded my heart. It almost made me cry.
One of the responders told me that distinguishing between being "alone" and being "lonely" is a big part of it. As soon as I read that, I realized that I am appreciating my alone time more and more recently. Another responder told me that they feel I am closer than I think I am because I am aware of my self-love deficiencies. I would agree with that. Awareness is always the first step toward any change, isn't it?
The last responder talked about hobbies and how we have the ability to do/be anything we want.
All of these responses resonated with me in a deep way, as they should with most individuals. But they were just what I needed to hear, in a time of need. And that is more important than anything.
Which is why I feel this forum is so important. Especially for me, right now. In a time where I am trying to attract positive vibrations, I often chose the negative vibrations because at that immediate time, they feel good, even though they are not good.
Likkeeee this weekend. I got crazy, drank, took Xanax, maybe smoked (I can't even remember) went home with Matt, told him I was in love with him (?!) and basically cried and whined about why he didn't want to "be" with me.
WHAT. THE. FUCK. What the fuck is seriously wrong with me?
Naturally, he hasn't talked to me since then. I can't imagine why.
I am taking this way better than I thought I would. Maybe I thought I did love him (we can love everyone, right!), regardless, it was clearly not what he wanted, and who gets fucked up and does that shit!? So much for patience and making positive decisions.
HOWEVER, this is naturally some sort of vibration that I was attracting. I never expected to really like him. And then when I did, and he knew, I expected him to quit talking to me. Maybe I decided it didn't happen fast enough, but it was going to happen, so I pushed it.
Maybe I can't even say maybe. Because I know it's the truth.
Do I regret it? Kind of. He wasn't making any positive impact on my life anyway, other than testing my patience. Which is good for me, but which I can learn in other, healthier ways. Maybe he taught me alone time is good. Or made me realize it. I think he did. I guess that's all there was to offer.
I feel sad and relieved at the same time. Part of me thinks there might have been more there. The other part of me is glad to be finished with the uncertainty. Life is full of uncertainty though, right? Ugh idk.
All I DO know is that your relationships are not only a reflection of who you are and what you need. So if it is over, then it is :-) and I have to accept and deal. Which I will.
.....................................
(Update)
As soon as I posted this I checked Twitter and had a message from him (?! right?!) saying his phone has been off. I wasn't really sure how to repond to that, but I somehow did.
I guess we'll see what happens now, huh? How strange, how truly strange.
Alsoooo....what is HE thinking?! lol. Like, I have showed him how intensely crazy I can be. And he's ok with that?! I mean, if he's ok, then I'm ok. It makes me glad really. But how strange.
I think he loves me.
I was going to start this post differently, but then I saw this picture (word pic?) on Twitter, and it made me think. If you click it, if it works, it's about hugging. I hate hugging. Like, do not touch me. I don't like hugging anyone. On occasion, if I'm seeing someone or in a relationship, it's ok. I'll cuddle with them, which is kind of the same? But I don't like when my friend, parents, family, or ESPECIALLY strangers hug me. I mean, I hug people. It's something people are supposed to do. I just don't enjoy it. There has to be some hidden reason for that, wouldn't you think? I know I've touched on it before, but every time it comes up, it just really makes me think.
Anyway, I actually started this post because I was going to talk about Spirit Science ( thespiritscience.net check it out) and how I joined their forum today. Best, self-loving decision EVER. Literally. I made a post about how I need to be happy learning to be alone and really love myself (I made poor decisions this weekend, surprise!) and got immediate, insightful responses. That's love. It immediately expanded my heart. It almost made me cry.
One of the responders told me that distinguishing between being "alone" and being "lonely" is a big part of it. As soon as I read that, I realized that I am appreciating my alone time more and more recently. Another responder told me that they feel I am closer than I think I am because I am aware of my self-love deficiencies. I would agree with that. Awareness is always the first step toward any change, isn't it?
The last responder talked about hobbies and how we have the ability to do/be anything we want.
All of these responses resonated with me in a deep way, as they should with most individuals. But they were just what I needed to hear, in a time of need. And that is more important than anything.
Which is why I feel this forum is so important. Especially for me, right now. In a time where I am trying to attract positive vibrations, I often chose the negative vibrations because at that immediate time, they feel good, even though they are not good.
Likkeeee this weekend. I got crazy, drank, took Xanax, maybe smoked (I can't even remember) went home with Matt, told him I was in love with him (?!) and basically cried and whined about why he didn't want to "be" with me.
WHAT. THE. FUCK. What the fuck is seriously wrong with me?
Naturally, he hasn't talked to me since then. I can't imagine why.
I am taking this way better than I thought I would. Maybe I thought I did love him (we can love everyone, right!), regardless, it was clearly not what he wanted, and who gets fucked up and does that shit!? So much for patience and making positive decisions.
HOWEVER, this is naturally some sort of vibration that I was attracting. I never expected to really like him. And then when I did, and he knew, I expected him to quit talking to me. Maybe I decided it didn't happen fast enough, but it was going to happen, so I pushed it.
Maybe I can't even say maybe. Because I know it's the truth.
Do I regret it? Kind of. He wasn't making any positive impact on my life anyway, other than testing my patience. Which is good for me, but which I can learn in other, healthier ways. Maybe he taught me alone time is good. Or made me realize it. I think he did. I guess that's all there was to offer.
I feel sad and relieved at the same time. Part of me thinks there might have been more there. The other part of me is glad to be finished with the uncertainty. Life is full of uncertainty though, right? Ugh idk.
All I DO know is that your relationships are not only a reflection of who you are and what you need. So if it is over, then it is :-) and I have to accept and deal. Which I will.
.....................................
(Update)
As soon as I posted this I checked Twitter and had a message from him (?! right?!) saying his phone has been off. I wasn't really sure how to repond to that, but I somehow did.
I guess we'll see what happens now, huh? How strange, how truly strange.
Alsoooo....what is HE thinking?! lol. Like, I have showed him how intensely crazy I can be. And he's ok with that?! I mean, if he's ok, then I'm ok. It makes me glad really. But how strange.
I think he loves me.
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