It's been awhile

Writing takes a lot out of me.  I'm not very in touch with my emotions and I tend to view myself and life from a distance.  I like to avoid becoming too emotional.  Even when I cry...I hold myself back a lot.  

Anyway, not my intention for writing this, but just a few random things before I say what I actually wanted to. First off, I think I've had this for a year?  Weird.  When people say the older you get, the faster time goes, it's so insanely true.  And bizarre.  Every year that goes by I compare how radically different they are/my life is.  It's really mind blowing to me.  

My intention on blogging today was to talk about being a kid.  And how different I am...and I mean, everyone is different from when they were a kid lol.  But I think a lot of people grow into control and rigidness.  I am trying to grow out of that.  And I have, in many cases.  I am still a pseudo control freak.  "Knowing" things makes you feel safe, you know?  

Either way, as a kid, I was all about control.  I remember in junior high, I had my morning routine down to the minute. I would shower, get dressed, do my make up and eat breakfast.  I literally got out of the shower every day at the same time. Being a minute off would throw my day off.  

It's weird to think back on that now.  I have no real morning routine.  I get up at the last second.  

I'm still a planner, for sure.  My friend Jordan told me this weekend that I try and plan too much.  Which was both funny and shocking to me.  I guess I feel so much less "plan-y" than I did when I was younger that it didn't occur to me that I still do it.  

The difference is, I can, and do, stray from my routines.  I still get caught up in expectations, even though I try really really hard not to.  

I'm pretty self aware, but I definitely don't understand myself. Sometimes the way I am and the way I do things and feel make NO sense to me whatsoever.  And it kind of bothers me.  

But every day is a chance to learn more and grow.  So there's no such thing as perfection because every person every day is constantly becoming the best person they can be in every way.  Even if they're doing nothing.  

Somehow that (kind of) puts my mind at ease.  Just a little :)

Namaste, loves!

Circles

I haven't said anything in awhile because I...don't know how. And I'm sure I'll talk in circles but I need to get it out of my head. As usual. 

I guess a quick life update will do. I live in the city now. With a girl I graduated from high school with. We get along famously. Really good decision. I'm loving it so far. I feel content, whole, at peace and centered. Matt moved to Dallas. I am not seeing anyone. Korey started talking to me when Sarah broke up with him. He's just not right for me. Nice guy but not for me. 

Naturally back to the guy thing. Always. Because everything else in life one feels they can have control over, even though it's false. Even if we know deep down it's true that we have no control over anything, it's especially difficult when you add other people into the equation because you want them to behave a certain way. Which they may not. And usually do not.

That being said, when Matt left I knew I would hear from him, I just didn't know when. It was three days after he left. On Christmas, actually. He told me he missed me. I got teary eyed. He was very sweet and consistent for quite some time. Telling me he missed me, to come there, etc. Even told me I was "his" and to wait for him.

I eventually agreed to come see him. Four days in February. Four days, chosen by him. The 14-18. He even told me he loved me. Twice, actually. The second time I was asleep. He called me an "ass" for not responding. 

Since then, not much. A few days later I told him I missed him and loved him and can't wait to see him. I don't usually do that because he seems to pull away. But I felt bad because I think he meant it and I was drunk and kind of mean. And I do love him. Very much. 

Like I said, he hasn't said much since then. And I told him I would wait. And I am waiting. But...what am I waiting for? Him to come home? Grow up? Be a man? Commit to me? Just sex?! I don't even know. He said wait and I said ok. 

I'm starting to think I'm an idiot. BUT. A few things: One, I'm not interested in anyone else. Two, I don't think I'm ready. Three, this situation with him being gone is somewhat ideal. For both of us, I think. 

With those things said, I *wish* there was a BIT more normalcy. But at the same time, idk from what angle. I bitch about it. But I don't know what I want really. I mean, I would like him to open up more to me. But I can't make him. And not of he doesn't want to.

It's just, I've been seeing him off and on for...well close to a year. And I feel there's been no progress. Even though I know there has. And I shouldn't be progressing quickly anyway. And neither should he. But something says something is wrong. 

Now that I've talked in circles, I think it's society. Everyone (ALL of my friends, his friends, my family) say we are weird and don't make sense and they don't get it. And I don't get "it" either. But I'm comfortable with it and I like it. So why do we have to be "normal"? What is that anyway? I need to be myself, as an individual, before being with someone. And I think he needs to be happy/confident in himself before being with someone. 

Matt has what I like to call pseudo confidence. If you can read people well, you will see this in him too. But no matter what, I love him and even though we don't communicate like most people, I feel a connection with him like I haven't felt with anyone else. 

I guess that's all I have? I wish I could make more sense of things myself. But this is all I've got. 

Spirit Animal

Quickly b/c it's late as hell, as usual.

Today has been fucking awful, but about that later.  Lately...well over the past few months tigers have been coming into my life.  

First, the lesson "tigers above, tigers below", which will be my next tattoo.  Lately the tiger has been more prominent in my life.  In dreams, in awake, paintings, pictures, and today, in my text autocorrect, oddly enough.

So I googled.  I would say the description is pretty spot on, but does not necessarily give me much comfort.  I will work with this.  

Here is the link: http://www.spiritanimal.info/spirit-animals/tiger-spirit-animal/

Added quick note on today:  Breathe and realize that this experience is the exact experience I should be having. Remember to learn from it and grow from it.  Realize the emotions, feel them and release them.

Repressed memory realization

Meditation:

I told Shaila earlier that I had never been broken up with. I realized later that wasn't true. 

Following dinner I read an article, that I emailed to her. It said our emotions can live in a child like state until we recognize them. It's why people who were abandoned have abandonment issues and victims of molestation have negative feelings towards sex. This article impacted me but I was unsure why or how. 

During meditation I had a profound memory. When Scott, who I lost my virginity to at 13, broke up with me, he came over to retrieve his wallet. We made out and I held on hope that he wouldn't really break up with me. He did. I was devastated. Thirteen is entirely way too young to be having sex. I thought I "loved" him. 

In this train of thought, the thought I was having that triggered it was thinking about Matt. He asked for his hat and gloves yesterday and I know he'll ask again. I was imagining me giving them to him and him trying to convince me to have sex with him. I guess I felt that same feeling I felt when I was a kid. 

Anyway, Scott tried to get back with me after about a year and I said no. He was still with the girl he broke up with me for. I wasn't putting myself back in that situation. Looking back, that was actually smart of me. Maybe I should take a cue from my childhood self. 

After that I started sleeping around a lot. Actually, I took pride in taking someone's virginity. I guess because that is how I hurt. I wanted others to hurt? I'm not sure really. 

I saw Scott when I was 19. He stayed with that girl until a few months before he saw me, at 19. He apologized to me and said we should be friends. Again, I said no. He had a profound impact on my life and even though I did and do appreciate his apology, I wouldn't be comfortable with that. Also he hugged me and it made me want to puke. 

So. That's kind of that situation. Other than that, I've never been broke up with. I always break up with people because I am not happy. I've come to learn it's because I'm not happy with myself. But I am working on it. 

Strange how I shoved that memory down so hard, I completely forgot it. Even more strange how the series of events brought it bubbling over. 

Naturally, the memory made me cry. Not in a real hurt way. More of an awakening way. It does hurt though, don't get me wrong. 

I hope that because I have recognized this feeling and memory that I can move forward. I feel that it was quite the breakthrough. 

internal thoughts

Reminder to self: Am drunk

Man.  What am I really thinking? 

At this point, I kind of feel like I'm going about things somewhat backward.  I had so many conditions and high expectations and I feel like I'm abandoning them so I'm not alone.  Again.

..........

Is this my lesson?  

It is.

Shit shit shit.  

I cannot fail again.

I thought it, Annie said it, Jake said it.  I said it, more than once, actually.

I have to learn the lesson, I can't take repeating it again.

I wrote this from my phone, I felt it was important

I think I just learned a spiritual lesson. 

The quote, "People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime" popped into my head. I've had somewhat obsessive thoughts about Korey for some reason lately. Well, I mean, we just stopped talking and naturally I saw him at Red Bar last night while I was with Matt. I felt really negatively toward him, even though Shaila said she felt he was empty (and I kind of sensed that too. Empty or shut out) and pointed out that I clearly care for Matt very much, I still felt fooled and hurt. 

Upon reading the quote, and a short story (which I'll post quickly): 

People come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. When you figure out which one it is, you will know what to do for each person.

When someone is in your life for a REASON . . . It is usually to meet a need you have expressed. They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally, or spiritually. They may seem like a

godsend, and they are! They are there for the reason you need them to be.

Then, without any wrong doing on your part, or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end.

Sometimes they die.

Sometimes they walk away.

Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand.

What we must realise is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled, their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered. And now it is time to move on.

When people come into your life for a SEASON . . .

Because your turn has come to share, grow, or learn. They bring you an experience of peace, or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it! It is real! But, only for a season.

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons; things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the

person, and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life. It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.

1999-2011 Yuni Words of Wisdom 

http://www.yuni.com/library/docs/631.html

After reading that, all I could think was that Korey came into my life when Matt wasn't talking to me. I cared about Matt way more than I thought and was more hurt than I thought. Korey was there to occupy my time/thoughts, even though Matt still invaded my brain. Matt started talking to me again and I kept putting him off bc of what he put me through. But again, just like in the beginning, his persistence got to me. I was still talking to Korey until about a week ago. And I did like him and care about him. I just don't have the same feelings for him that I do for Matt. I have feelings for Matt that I (for once in my life) have no words for and cannot explain. 

Matt may also be for a reason, but I have yet to figure that out.  I hate to be a stupid girl and say I hop it's not just for a reason, because I don't really want to him to leave my life, even when he actually moves.  But I guess I'll have to see.

I'm not sure what else to say because I'm still trying to figure it out. I probably never will though. And I'm ok w that. 

I will say Matt and I don't communicate verbally very much. I honestly feel like we don't have to and can express how we feel through our actions to each other. It is so bizarre to me. 

And now that I feel like a dumb twat, that is all.

Things about my life

I am hoping that since I changed my name, I am unidentifiable on here. Because I think a lot of things I say would piss people off.  

Whatever.

Anyway, I got a job.  Actually I got it like, two weeks ago.  I've just been tired and busy and lazy.  Ok, I kind of take lazy back.  Obviously I work normal mon-fri hours, still at the Dazz a few days and I run.  So it's hard to find time to do other things.  Also, I record about 5 shows that I obsessively watch, which makes even less time.

Blah.  Literally, blah.

I guess I wanted to say I got a job.  Oh it's at a distribution company.  I'm the "receptionist".  I make more money than my old job.  Figures.  It's a great company and I want to get into sales there.  Also, beer.

I'm so tired.  I can't sleep at night.  I am not a 630am waker.  I'm not sure I ever will be.

I am still talking to (having sex with?) Matt.  Korey, not so much.  What is wrong with me?  Not my choice really.  I would rather be talking to Korey.  I saw him for a bit on Saturday.  I called him after and we talked on the phone for like, an hour.  I kind of explained some things such as, my inability to trust people, my reservations in getting serious, I explained that I wasn't comparing him to Matt or asking Toon who I should really choose, but verifying to Jordan that Korey is way better than Matt.  I don't think he believed me.  

I've asked him to hang out since then, but he's been pretty unresponsive.  Meh.  Guess I fucked that up.  Makes no sense to me because he talked to me this weekend both days and said we should meet up Saturday.  I know he's been having to get up super early lately.  

I don't know.  It's exhausting trying to understand people.  And I know, I know...you can't, let it go, things will work out, etc, etc.  I know.  It's just so hard to actually do those things.  Especially when I want to psychoanalyze everything.

I'm not depressed right now, which is good.  But I do feel stuck in a rut.   I feel like (...ok let's be real, I am) I'm doing that thing where I need to be talking to/seeing someone to be happy with/verify myself.  That's a lot of //// and not nearly enough self love.  Damnit.  Self love is so hard!!!!!  

Also, if I don't move out soon...idk what.  I would say I'm going to go crazy, but I won't and I would say I might kill everyone, but I won't.  So I'll just be super bitter and pissed off basically.  

I suppose I don't have anything else to say.  I'm tired.  Probably won't sleep until 1 though.  Ugh.