Findings

So I moved about three months ago as of this weekend. I'm going to attempt to put together words in order to give you (...not that anyone reads this) some kind of idea of how I felt during this experience. I'm not totally sure it's something I can accurately describe.

Let me preface with the week leading up to the Friday I left. I had next to nothing packed. Instead of that shit, I went out. Every night. I had a going away party the weekend before and it was exhausting and amazing. People take A LOT out of you. Everyone pulling you in different directions. I don't know how most people are, but the people I love, I love intensely. So after my party, I had a going away party at work and spent Thursday and Friday at work probably still drunk and extremely hungover.

I left Friday after work. My last day at work I will never forget. Lohr was an amazing company to work for. I wish I could take that place and move it here. I've never worked with such caring, good hearted people. They all hugged me and told me good luck and gave me going away cards with well wished. I went to leave to meet my family (mom, grandparents, aunt, uncle and cousin...all) at my apartment. I still had shit to pack. I got in the car and that stupid fucking Taylor Swift/Tim McGraw song "Highway Don't Care" song was on. Fucking LOST IT. I couldn't cry in front of my grandma bc she was already a mess so I called Ashley and she calmed me down. Leaving was hard, but my mom drove here with me, and that made it a billion times easier. I had also distanced myself from the situation and was viewing it from an outside perspective...somehow.

My first week here was awesome. My mom was here. She put together all my furniture from Ikea and unpacked 95% of my stuff while I went on interviews. You know...bc I just quit my job at home like a crazy psycho and moved across the country. Had my mom not been here, I would have went back home. No joke. I needed that support in the biggest way. And when I wasn't interviewing, we went tons of places and explored and it was so nice to have someone here. Anyway, when she left it was awful lol. My mom is not very emotional, and I never was until...well probably the past 1-2 years. And my mom and I haven't always been the closest. She's a bit guarded as am I. Regardless, I sobbed like a child. And so did she. One of the hardest experiences of my life, and as I type this my eyes are tearing up. That moment was so terrifying. I felt truly alone and cut off from everything I had known my entire life.

The next couple months are a blur. I spent a lot of time drinking and crying and drinking and crying. There's a guy here I went to high school with. We kind of dated, but I'm in no position for anything serious...anyway he listened to me cry at least a half dozen times. Of his own free will. He even called me when he knew I was upset. And damn if I don't appreciate the shit out of him. Not only that but I owe him...well idk. Something I'll never be able to give basically.

Oh I was working those couple months as well. Two part time jobs. Met some really awesome people that are now my friends here. They helped make me feel...idk..better, I guess. Friends, you know.

Anyway, so I have a full time job now that I enjoy. With great people. Which is huge. I am still really homesick. And I cry when I get drunk lol. But all in all, here is what I've learned from my experience, thus far:

First, this has been a huge process for me. I am so close with my family and reliant on them. Not to do things for me, but for love. I've said this before and it will always be true, but I am a companion oriented person. I feel best when I give and receive love. And I'm ok with giving love and not receiving it (obviously). But in order to give love, I have to have someone to love. And Autumn wasn't around a lot. And honestly, we haven't lived together that long anyway. Regardless, I'm really obsessed with my family and being away from them is absolutely the hardest thing I've done in my life.

That being said. I needed this. I've been growing as a person and becoming more spiritual. A big part of spiritualism is discovering the truth you (not the you people see, that's ego you) and being uncomfortable. It's hard. It will always be hard. Lets be real; growth hurts. But it's worth it. I've changed so much over the past two years. The past year even. Even when I was sobbing and feeling so alone, I knew it was for the betterment of myself. And that kind of makes it all feel ok, even when you feel things are complete shit.

I've realized (again) that in really awful at dealing with myself. That's why I love to love. It's easier to love someone else than it is to love yourself. Self love is hard because we are so hard on ourselves. Which is unfair. Why be so hard on yourself? It doesn't improve your life at all.

Moving on to my last point, I've learned that home is not a place. It's...well, whatever you make it. For me, home is with anyone I love. I found that out when I went to visit Vicki. She lives in NC about three hours from me. I felt home there...because I love her :) And oddly enough, I felt home when I visited Matt in Dallas in Feb. Because I love him as well. So for me, home is anywhere I can be with someone I love.

...Which actually leads me to something else, now that I think about it. If that's my attachment in life, I'm going to need to release it. So. I guess that's my next step. And also why I decided to stay here. Well, not here, but gone. Until I can be comfortable with myself. I guess. Something like that. :)

Laying things out.

I live so far away from my home.

You...or I...don't (didn't) realize how much you rely on people you love until they aren't in close proximity to you.  

Not just to do things for you.  I am fine doing things myself.  But to love.  To touch. 

I've been here...almost three months now.  It's beautiful.  Everything around me is so amazingly beautiful, I'm astounded every day.  I have met beautiful people.  

Nothing replaces being around people you love.  And who love you back.  

I have adjusted pretty well.  I don't cry as much as I used to.  I was awful when I first got here.  I cried and cried.  I've never been away from my family like this.  My family is small.  Looking at it now from an outside perspective, we're a little creepily close.  

But I have never been an emotional person.  I think I've done more crying here in the past three months than I've done in the past three years.  I've never been good at expressing my emotions to those that I should be expressing them to.  Which is why I'm blogging, when I haven't in months, instead of calling...anyone I love.  

I was thinking last night how alone I feel.  Which is strange because I talked to Ashley and my dad.  And I've felt better lately than I have since I got here.

But I would give anything to be close to someone.  To be held.  To be able to talk, in person, and feel understood.  I can call my friends and family on the phone.  It's not the same.  I have went on dates.  I have kissed people.  It's not the same.  

I've made friends here.  They're awesome people.  Three months isn't long enough to love a friend.  Or establish the friend connections like I have at home.  I appreciate the fuck out of my family and friends so much.  

I guess I had to leave to realize that.  No one wants to live in the shitty midwest forever. It's shitty until you're gone. And actually, I don't want to go home.  Well, I do...to visit.  Not to move.  I just wish there was one person here I loved.  Just one.  And I know I will, over time.  But godfuckingdamnit if it isn't hard.

.......................

I feel a lot better now.  Letting that out.  I just really want to let go and travel and be happy with myself and love myself.  I think this is a big step in that direction.  I've made a lot of personal progress since I've been here actually.  I mean, moving was a big step.  And really, no matter how hard, it was a natural one.  I've evolved so, so much over the past two years.  What's most important to me is that it continues.  

I really tried to put spiritual teachings into practice.  And I've done a pretty decent job, I think.  Nothing is perfect, but everything is always perfect :) So I've done perfect.  I've tried to relinquish my attachments to people.  I posted...last year actually, on attachment vs non attachment.  

It's not something I've mastered, for sure. I can say I relinquished my attachment to Matt.  Well, I mean, I kind of had to.  He moved...I moved.  I still fucking love him.  I don't know if I'll ever understand that. 

Hm...maybe I need to understand that to relinquish attachment to my family as well...

That's definitely something I need to think on for awhile.  Because...attachment isn't love.  Love (essentially) is unconditional.  And I DO love my family unconditionally.  I just need to relinquish the intense attachment to them I feel...

This is definitely something to ponder for awhile.  I feel so much better right now :)

It's been awhile

Writing takes a lot out of me.  I'm not very in touch with my emotions and I tend to view myself and life from a distance.  I like to avoid becoming too emotional.  Even when I cry...I hold myself back a lot.  

Anyway, not my intention for writing this, but just a few random things before I say what I actually wanted to. First off, I think I've had this for a year?  Weird.  When people say the older you get, the faster time goes, it's so insanely true.  And bizarre.  Every year that goes by I compare how radically different they are/my life is.  It's really mind blowing to me.  

My intention on blogging today was to talk about being a kid.  And how different I am...and I mean, everyone is different from when they were a kid lol.  But I think a lot of people grow into control and rigidness.  I am trying to grow out of that.  And I have, in many cases.  I am still a pseudo control freak.  "Knowing" things makes you feel safe, you know?  

Either way, as a kid, I was all about control.  I remember in junior high, I had my morning routine down to the minute. I would shower, get dressed, do my make up and eat breakfast.  I literally got out of the shower every day at the same time. Being a minute off would throw my day off.  

It's weird to think back on that now.  I have no real morning routine.  I get up at the last second.  

I'm still a planner, for sure.  My friend Jordan told me this weekend that I try and plan too much.  Which was both funny and shocking to me.  I guess I feel so much less "plan-y" than I did when I was younger that it didn't occur to me that I still do it.  

The difference is, I can, and do, stray from my routines.  I still get caught up in expectations, even though I try really really hard not to.  

I'm pretty self aware, but I definitely don't understand myself. Sometimes the way I am and the way I do things and feel make NO sense to me whatsoever.  And it kind of bothers me.  

But every day is a chance to learn more and grow.  So there's no such thing as perfection because every person every day is constantly becoming the best person they can be in every way.  Even if they're doing nothing.  

Somehow that (kind of) puts my mind at ease.  Just a little :)

Namaste, loves!

Circles

I haven't said anything in awhile because I...don't know how. And I'm sure I'll talk in circles but I need to get it out of my head. As usual. 

I guess a quick life update will do. I live in the city now. With a girl I graduated from high school with. We get along famously. Really good decision. I'm loving it so far. I feel content, whole, at peace and centered. Matt moved to Dallas. I am not seeing anyone. Korey started talking to me when Sarah broke up with him. He's just not right for me. Nice guy but not for me. 

Naturally back to the guy thing. Always. Because everything else in life one feels they can have control over, even though it's false. Even if we know deep down it's true that we have no control over anything, it's especially difficult when you add other people into the equation because you want them to behave a certain way. Which they may not. And usually do not.

That being said, when Matt left I knew I would hear from him, I just didn't know when. It was three days after he left. On Christmas, actually. He told me he missed me. I got teary eyed. He was very sweet and consistent for quite some time. Telling me he missed me, to come there, etc. Even told me I was "his" and to wait for him.

I eventually agreed to come see him. Four days in February. Four days, chosen by him. The 14-18. He even told me he loved me. Twice, actually. The second time I was asleep. He called me an "ass" for not responding. 

Since then, not much. A few days later I told him I missed him and loved him and can't wait to see him. I don't usually do that because he seems to pull away. But I felt bad because I think he meant it and I was drunk and kind of mean. And I do love him. Very much. 

Like I said, he hasn't said much since then. And I told him I would wait. And I am waiting. But...what am I waiting for? Him to come home? Grow up? Be a man? Commit to me? Just sex?! I don't even know. He said wait and I said ok. 

I'm starting to think I'm an idiot. BUT. A few things: One, I'm not interested in anyone else. Two, I don't think I'm ready. Three, this situation with him being gone is somewhat ideal. For both of us, I think. 

With those things said, I *wish* there was a BIT more normalcy. But at the same time, idk from what angle. I bitch about it. But I don't know what I want really. I mean, I would like him to open up more to me. But I can't make him. And not of he doesn't want to.

It's just, I've been seeing him off and on for...well close to a year. And I feel there's been no progress. Even though I know there has. And I shouldn't be progressing quickly anyway. And neither should he. But something says something is wrong. 

Now that I've talked in circles, I think it's society. Everyone (ALL of my friends, his friends, my family) say we are weird and don't make sense and they don't get it. And I don't get "it" either. But I'm comfortable with it and I like it. So why do we have to be "normal"? What is that anyway? I need to be myself, as an individual, before being with someone. And I think he needs to be happy/confident in himself before being with someone. 

Matt has what I like to call pseudo confidence. If you can read people well, you will see this in him too. But no matter what, I love him and even though we don't communicate like most people, I feel a connection with him like I haven't felt with anyone else. 

I guess that's all I have? I wish I could make more sense of things myself. But this is all I've got. 

Spirit Animal

Quickly b/c it's late as hell, as usual.

Today has been fucking awful, but about that later.  Lately...well over the past few months tigers have been coming into my life.  

First, the lesson "tigers above, tigers below", which will be my next tattoo.  Lately the tiger has been more prominent in my life.  In dreams, in awake, paintings, pictures, and today, in my text autocorrect, oddly enough.

So I googled.  I would say the description is pretty spot on, but does not necessarily give me much comfort.  I will work with this.  

Here is the link: http://www.spiritanimal.info/spirit-animals/tiger-spirit-animal/

Added quick note on today:  Breathe and realize that this experience is the exact experience I should be having. Remember to learn from it and grow from it.  Realize the emotions, feel them and release them.

Repressed memory realization

Meditation:

I told Shaila earlier that I had never been broken up with. I realized later that wasn't true. 

Following dinner I read an article, that I emailed to her. It said our emotions can live in a child like state until we recognize them. It's why people who were abandoned have abandonment issues and victims of molestation have negative feelings towards sex. This article impacted me but I was unsure why or how. 

During meditation I had a profound memory. When Scott, who I lost my virginity to at 13, broke up with me, he came over to retrieve his wallet. We made out and I held on hope that he wouldn't really break up with me. He did. I was devastated. Thirteen is entirely way too young to be having sex. I thought I "loved" him. 

In this train of thought, the thought I was having that triggered it was thinking about Matt. He asked for his hat and gloves yesterday and I know he'll ask again. I was imagining me giving them to him and him trying to convince me to have sex with him. I guess I felt that same feeling I felt when I was a kid. 

Anyway, Scott tried to get back with me after about a year and I said no. He was still with the girl he broke up with me for. I wasn't putting myself back in that situation. Looking back, that was actually smart of me. Maybe I should take a cue from my childhood self. 

After that I started sleeping around a lot. Actually, I took pride in taking someone's virginity. I guess because that is how I hurt. I wanted others to hurt? I'm not sure really. 

I saw Scott when I was 19. He stayed with that girl until a few months before he saw me, at 19. He apologized to me and said we should be friends. Again, I said no. He had a profound impact on my life and even though I did and do appreciate his apology, I wouldn't be comfortable with that. Also he hugged me and it made me want to puke. 

So. That's kind of that situation. Other than that, I've never been broke up with. I always break up with people because I am not happy. I've come to learn it's because I'm not happy with myself. But I am working on it. 

Strange how I shoved that memory down so hard, I completely forgot it. Even more strange how the series of events brought it bubbling over. 

Naturally, the memory made me cry. Not in a real hurt way. More of an awakening way. It does hurt though, don't get me wrong. 

I hope that because I have recognized this feeling and memory that I can move forward. I feel that it was quite the breakthrough. 

internal thoughts

Reminder to self: Am drunk

Man.  What am I really thinking? 

At this point, I kind of feel like I'm going about things somewhat backward.  I had so many conditions and high expectations and I feel like I'm abandoning them so I'm not alone.  Again.

..........

Is this my lesson?  

It is.

Shit shit shit.  

I cannot fail again.

I thought it, Annie said it, Jake said it.  I said it, more than once, actually.

I have to learn the lesson, I can't take repeating it again.