I have to constantly remind myself that other people's problems are not my problems. Garren tells me that. And I know. But I can't help but feeling affected by them and like I should help and that there's something I should do. I am a good and loyal friend. Maybe my ego attached itself to that too much. I don't know.
Anyway. That being said, I am fucking hurt. I want to say I'm mad. And I AM mad. But anger is the easier feeling to feel. When you look at it more closely, I'm hurt.
Let me start by saying that I am also grateful. If it wasn't for Autumn, I wouldn't have had the opportunity to move and have this experience. And it's been an amazing experience. Scary as shit, but I'm glad I faced it. I was quite alone when we moved. I didn't know anyone and she was gone A LOT. I had to deal with myself. And it was difficult. I like to not deal with myself. It's the hardest aspect of life, really.
With those things said, I left home with no money, little preparation and two rents to pay. I've run up my debt like mad. Autumn got a promotion and I left my promotion for no reason other than to have an experience. But she had security, and while I shouldn't have relied on that, I found comfort in it.
Now, here I am, 4 1/2 months later and I really just don't know...anything. I feel secure. In myself. But...fuck dude. So I moved here based on her and her fucking job. And what does she do? GETS FIRED? And why?! Because she can't work like a normal human being. Yeah, her work was a bit crazy about hours. But you fucking adjust to that. They gave you an opportunity. Don't fucking complain.
So last night I had a little spas attack. I was at home, crying...whatever. Garren wanted me to come over. So I did. I hadn't told him what was going on so I explained it all to him. Then I told him all my fears over the situation. Which are: what if she decides to move back home? What if she can't find a job? I don't want to love with her anymore anyway, but I'm not an abandoner, I want to live by myself, but I'm too fucking nice and it's expensive to live on your own and what do I do? Also, I don't want to hear complaining anymore. For god's sake, deal with it. But I feel obligated to listen. AND WHY?!
Garren said to stop worrying about it. I'll be fine, it's not my problem, etc. And he's right. And I know worrying gets me (or anyone) no where. And I get it. But that doesn't mean I can stop and don't have incessant thoughts and worries. He had me stay over last night and I just kind of cried. And he let me. Which is great. Fuck. I care about him a lot. And I'm at work right now and I feel like crying. Because that's another thing. I still get homesick. Yeah, I have friends here. And a good job. And I like it here. And I have him. But if she leaves...and I don't stay with him. Then I'm just...alone. Again. And I can't base my happiness on him. I feel like that is setting myself up for failure. And I'm shaking now. I care about him. I don't want to be hurt. And that's attaching myself to the situation. And to him. And you know, nonattachment and things. Which I thought I had a pretty good handle on. But moving was scary to me.
I can't focus on that because it will make me upset. But fucking Autumn dude. Why is she so shitty and selfish?? Jesus. I haven't even told my mom because I don't want to deal with her response. Actually the only people I've told are Garren and Ashley. Well, and work people. But I can't voice full concerns with them. I'm making myself kind of sick over all of it, really. So insane. I don't want to get drunk and cry. Because that's my signature move at this point.
I hate burdening other's with my problems as well. And this isn't even really my problem. But I hate whining. Or being needy. Because I can deal with it. I just like other's perspectives. It's not like I want to cry about it to them. I really just prefer to cry by myself. I do like hearing what other people have to say though. I don't know. I hope people don't feel burdened by me.
Fuck dude. Fuck it all. Fuck all of this. I know I need to be more present in this moment and not the anticipation if the future and worries that are out if my hands and may or may not happen. That shit is hard sometimes though. You know?
