Le sigh

So I've been off anxiety medication for almost 2 years now. But I'm so stressed. And I've been stressed before...but it felt temporary. This feels permanent. And I know, "if you're stressed your living in the future". Exactly. I am. I see that and...I can't fix it. I understand that the "now" is the knot thing that really exists.

I suppose I am falling into old habits. Stressing over things I can't help/change. Wanting to be in control, stressing when I cannot be in control...etc. Even though I know there is no true control. I don't know. Maybe I'll lay out what's stressing me?

Put simply, the future. Both the immediate future (next few months) and long term (next few years). Here's a list of things I'm stressing over for the next few months:
Moving; finding somewhere to live
I'd kind of like to live w Garren...for many reasons. One - well why not? I mean, we spend every night together anyway. Also, I like being with him, he makes me happy. And, finally, financially it would make sense. If we spend so much time together, why not live together and save both of us money?
I don't want to because: we've only been together for like, three months. He's never lived wjth anyone. I feel like I annoy him a lot. I like time along and so does he. If I move in his place, we'll really have no room to be alone.
Negating the idea of living with him, if I live on my own I need to find somewhere to live. I need to put down a deposit. I need to buy all the shit I don't have that's autumn's.
Future stressors that 100% do not matter: what am I doing? Like...am I staying here? It doesn't really matter either way does it? Why am I even worrying about that?!

I guess that's all. Idk. I'm just irritable. And once again...oh yeah, I didn't mention this...autumn is moving to Fayetteville. Soooo...yeah. I'll get into that separately or something. Fuck. Ugh.

Faults

While I'm wallowing in negativity, I guess I'll release it.

I am not perfect; there is no such thing as perfection.  I recognize my faults and I try to improve them.

Today, my biggest fault is that I try to make everyone happy.  And that is not possible, for one.  For another, it's completely impossible if I am not first making myself happy. When I am stressing myself out to the point that I am unhappy, and crying by myself because I can't and them blaming myself.  I see this, I accept it.  Can I move on?

It's not everyone I want to make happy.  Just people I care about.  I know, in reality, I have no control over anything.  No one does.  That is the truth of the universe.  But I want things to be perfect.

Work is stressing me out.  I dream about work.  I don't dislike work at all.  It's just harder than any job I've had.  And that's good but Robyn is a control freak and wants to do it all, which doesn't help me learn anything.  It's getting better but it's still very stressful for me.

I want Garren's birthday to be perfect. I want Thanksgiving to be perfect.  I've been stressing over Thanksgiving for over a month now.  That is fucking insane.  What is wrong with  me?  I'm almost making myself sick over it.  And then my pride is getting in the way of...uh...myself?  Does that even fucking make sense?  I wanted a turkey from a farm...like an idiot, I paid for it ahead of time.  Not having it...Stupid.  Now I went to pick it up and the place was closed.  I honestly think it was a miscommunication but still it led to this crying and whatever.

Why do I have to be such picky bitch about things?  Or if I want to, can I just fucking do it and not be questioned?  Not that anyone is questioning me, because no one knows really, but I'm preparing myself for all these stupid questions that haven't even been asked.

I need to stop stressing myself out. I need to not try and please everyone.  I think I've said that, right?

Aside from that, it's also come to my realization that...ugh, deep sigh at this.  I sometimes think I'm better than other people.  But not in the conventional way, in the "I'm a super enlightened, intelligent asshole" way.  That sucks to admit.  I know I'm not better.  I also feel that I'm right, which is also not true.  In reality, there isn't right or wrong.  Things just are.

So.  That's that.  And that's a huge release and I feel relieved.  And now maybe I can go hang out with Garren and not be a crying asshole.

No.

Why don't I ever feel good enough?  I don't understand.  I mean.  I probably fucked shit up with Garren.  I lied.  I understand why he's mad.  I hate being lied to.  And that's obviously a part of my shadow self that I struggle with.  I hate lying, I hate being lied to and I'm also really bad at lying anyway.  I'd much rather be hurt by telling the truth than perpetuating a lie or getting caught in a lie.  I constantly feel like I need to punish myself anyway.  Why would I want to lie just so I can get caught and punish myself more?

And why do I feel like I need to do that to myself?  I don't honestly know why I'm writing this.  It's making me feel sick.  But I'm tired of thinking about it.  I cannot stop bawling and I feel like I want to puke.  Garren keeps texting me and I just can't look at it anymore.  I care about him a lot.  A whole fucking lot.  And I would be pissed (well, hurt really) if I found out he lied to me.  But I didn't cheat on him and I never would.  I see a lot of him in me.  People in your life are obviously a reflection of yourself.  Sometimes I have a hard time seeing what people are reflecting but in him I see it very clearly.

This is insane.  But he makes me think a lot.  And somehow, sometimes, he makes me think about the part of myself that I really hate.  This is connected and tied somehow and I can't figure it out but I know it is.  And I guess now is the time to talk about it because I'm feeling it.  I've tried loving myself.  I don't know how.  I don't feel worthy of my own love.  That's so crazy.  I like so many things about myself.  But I would rather love other people and project my love there.  Which makes no sense and is paradoxical because you have to love yourself to love another person, right? That's what I've always heard and known and whatever.  I don't know.  I do know that I've struggled with liking myself at all. 

I was ok for a minute there and now it's hard to compose myself enough to keep typing...

But I do these crazy things.  I used to cut myself and I fucking loved it.  I still would honestly if it wasn't for people seeing it.  I like to be medicated.  When I overdosed and the doctor evaluated me he asked all kinds of questions.  And I'll always remember telling him that I wanted to rip my skin off.  And I still feel like that.  But why?  I don't want to be a human.  I don't want to die, but I often don't want to exist.  I hate how people pay so much attention to what others look like.  I hate being looked at.  I hate being touched.  The only time I'm comfortable being touched is by someone I'm dating.  I hug my family and I don't want to at all.  I especially dislike when someone I don't know very well touches me.  Even when it's just a simple movement.  I get rigid and uncomfortable when someone I don't know well hugs me.

Before I moved I started to binge eat.  To the point I would puke.  And cry.  And I gained 20 pounds in about two months.  Then I hated my body more.  So I starved myself.  Most days I didn't eat more than 800-1000 calories.  And I would workout for at least 40 minutes and not eat.  Some days I would only eat 500 and then binge drink.  I'm still doing that kind of. 

And these things that I do...why?  These insane things remind me of behavior of someone that was molested.  And I don't think I really was and I don't know if I believe in repressed memories.  I say I don't think I really was because...I don't know.  I hated going to the babysitter when I was a kid.  And there were all boys and they would always mess with me.  I remember a few specific times things happened but it's not like...I don't know.  

I hate that I'm writing this.  I don't know what else do to anymore.  I can't hold all of this in.  It's poisoning me.  And writing it is making me feel worse right now.  And I feel like doing all those awful disgusting negative things.  How do you not feel like that?  How do I not hate myself?  How do I not hate my body? 

Not my responsibility

I have to constantly remind myself that other people's problems are not my problems. Garren tells me that. And I know. But I can't help but feeling affected by them and like I should help and that there's something I should do. I am a good and loyal friend. Maybe my ego attached itself to that too much. I don't know.

Anyway. That being said, I am fucking hurt. I want to say I'm mad. And I AM mad. But anger is the easier feeling to feel. When you look at it more closely, I'm hurt.

Let me start by saying that I am also grateful. If it wasn't for Autumn, I wouldn't have had the opportunity to move and have this experience. And it's been an amazing experience. Scary as shit, but I'm glad I faced it. I was quite alone when we moved. I didn't know anyone and she was gone A LOT. I had to deal with myself. And it was difficult. I like to not deal with myself. It's the hardest aspect of life, really.

With those things said, I left home with no money, little preparation and two rents to pay. I've run up my debt like mad. Autumn got a promotion and I left my promotion for no reason other than to have an experience. But she had security, and while I shouldn't have relied on that, I found comfort in it.

Now, here I am, 4 1/2 months later and I really just don't know...anything. I feel secure. In myself. But...fuck dude. So I moved here based on her and her fucking job. And what does she do? GETS FIRED? And why?! Because she can't work like a normal human being. Yeah, her work was a bit crazy about hours. But you fucking adjust to that. They gave you an opportunity. Don't fucking complain.

So last night I had a little spas attack. I was at home, crying...whatever. Garren wanted me to come over. So I did. I hadn't told him what was going on so I explained it all to him. Then I told him all my fears over the situation. Which are: what if she decides to move back home? What if she can't find a job? I don't want to love with her anymore anyway, but I'm not an abandoner, I want to live by myself, but I'm too fucking nice and it's expensive to live on your own and what do I do? Also, I don't want to hear complaining anymore. For god's sake, deal with it. But I feel obligated to listen. AND WHY?!

Garren said to stop worrying about it. I'll be fine, it's not my problem, etc. And he's right. And I know worrying gets me (or anyone) no where. And I get it. But that doesn't mean I can stop and don't have incessant thoughts and worries. He had me stay over last night and I just kind of cried. And he let me. Which is great. Fuck. I care about him a lot. And I'm at work right now and I feel like crying. Because that's another thing. I still get homesick. Yeah, I have friends here. And a good job. And I like it here. And I have him. But if she leaves...and I don't stay with him. Then I'm just...alone. Again. And I can't base my happiness on him. I feel like that is setting myself up for failure. And I'm shaking now.  I care about him. I don't want to be hurt. And that's attaching myself to the situation. And to him. And you know, nonattachment and things. Which I thought I had a pretty good handle on. But moving was scary to me.

I can't focus on that because it will make me upset. But fucking Autumn dude. Why is she so shitty and selfish?? Jesus. I haven't even told my mom because I don't want to deal with her response. Actually the only people I've told are Garren and Ashley. Well, and work people. But I can't voice full concerns with them. I'm making myself kind of sick over all of it, really. So insane. I don't want to get drunk and cry. Because that's my signature move at this point.

I hate burdening other's with my problems as well. And this isn't even really my problem. But I hate whining. Or being needy. Because I can deal with it. I just like other's perspectives. It's not like I want to cry about it to them. I really just prefer to cry by myself. I do like hearing what other people have to say though. I don't know. I hope people don't feel burdened by me.

Fuck dude. Fuck it all. Fuck all of this. I know I need to be more present in this moment and not the anticipation if the future and worries that are out if my hands and may or may not happen. That shit is hard sometimes though. You know?

I have to get this out

So I guess I should talk about this and get it out before it profoundly fucks something up.

I have discovered that my relationship with Chris profoundly affected me more than I thought. I thought I was just unhappy. I overlooked the fact that, while I was unhappy, things were changing and I was unhappy because. Well. I thought I knew him. And he fucking went on Craigslist...of all things. And it still disgusts, repulses and makes me upset thinking about it.

Ugh. I feel like I'm going to cry. But I have to face it before it ruins things.

So it's not like he cheated on me...physically, that I know of. But it definitely felt like that. And still does. And not only that, but it's Craigslist. That's so disgusting. His excuse is that he thought I was cheating on him. And I still feel it's my fault. I somehow made him feel I was cheating on him? I wasn't giving him enough of me??? I don't know.

But it's extremely painful to go from loving and trusting someone that you've been with for three years, that you live with...to feeling like they are a sick perverse stranger.

And I understand that I should not have expectations. And I understand that we cannot really, truly "know" another person.

But I am projecting this past experience into my life currently. And I guess I have been since Chris and I broke up. And I masked it by projecting my love into someone that I knew would not reciprocate. Which was Matt. And now I guess I have to deal with it.

So. Once again, I'm laying it out. That HURT me. Was I not good enough?? Did I not care enough? Did I not show enough?? Why couldn't he pick something normal, like, call your fuckig ex gf??? Jesus. I don't know. Whatever.

Not whatever. I'm mad at myself. Not at him. I'm mad at myself for shoving my feelings down. And now that I'm talking about it, feeling it all over again.

But I'm about to jump into something. And I hope I can move past and learn from that experience.

No expectations, Brittni. Love yourself. <3

One year ago

It's quite insane to look back and think about what my life was like a year ago.  So, let's do it!  Yay!

I had lost my job a month before.  My first big girl job out of college.  I was devastated.

Matt had stopped talking to me (temporarily *intense eye roll*).

I was living with my parents.

I was pretty depressed.  Not like I would have been, if I were younger.  But I was just like, wtf is this complete shit??  So I just kind of rode it out for awhile.  I drank a lot.  I was job hunting like crazy, but I was just kind of...numb.  It's so weird to think back.

I decided I needed to quit that shit quick when one morning I woke up in a 21 year old kid's bed (not that I'm old...but jeez) on like a....Wednesday morning or something.  And I was like, holyyyy shit.  I should really reevaluate.  I said that to myself about three more times before I ACTUALLY reevaluated.  For the record, I did not have sex with that 21 year old.  BUT STILL.

Anyway, I got a job at the beginning of Oct.  Since then everything has changed really.

It's weird...I mean.  Reflecting on things.  Life was "bad".  But it could have been so much worse.  It could STILL be worse.  And I know that.  So I'm grateful.

The past year has been a huge growing experience. I'm a lot more comfortable being by myself.

Moving was the hardest thing I've done. I'll chronicle that when I feel more comfortable. But the way the events in my life have played out over the past year + has brought me to where I am now. I'm still adjusting. And I don't want to cry lol. So I'll detail that in a few weeks.

I will however say that I went home last weekend and I feel better. But I still don't know what I'm doing. I wonder if I ever will.

Findings

So I moved about three months ago as of this weekend. I'm going to attempt to put together words in order to give you (...not that anyone reads this) some kind of idea of how I felt during this experience. I'm not totally sure it's something I can accurately describe.

Let me preface with the week leading up to the Friday I left. I had next to nothing packed. Instead of that shit, I went out. Every night. I had a going away party the weekend before and it was exhausting and amazing. People take A LOT out of you. Everyone pulling you in different directions. I don't know how most people are, but the people I love, I love intensely. So after my party, I had a going away party at work and spent Thursday and Friday at work probably still drunk and extremely hungover.

I left Friday after work. My last day at work I will never forget. Lohr was an amazing company to work for. I wish I could take that place and move it here. I've never worked with such caring, good hearted people. They all hugged me and told me good luck and gave me going away cards with well wished. I went to leave to meet my family (mom, grandparents, aunt, uncle and cousin...all) at my apartment. I still had shit to pack. I got in the car and that stupid fucking Taylor Swift/Tim McGraw song "Highway Don't Care" song was on. Fucking LOST IT. I couldn't cry in front of my grandma bc she was already a mess so I called Ashley and she calmed me down. Leaving was hard, but my mom drove here with me, and that made it a billion times easier. I had also distanced myself from the situation and was viewing it from an outside perspective...somehow.

My first week here was awesome. My mom was here. She put together all my furniture from Ikea and unpacked 95% of my stuff while I went on interviews. You know...bc I just quit my job at home like a crazy psycho and moved across the country. Had my mom not been here, I would have went back home. No joke. I needed that support in the biggest way. And when I wasn't interviewing, we went tons of places and explored and it was so nice to have someone here. Anyway, when she left it was awful lol. My mom is not very emotional, and I never was until...well probably the past 1-2 years. And my mom and I haven't always been the closest. She's a bit guarded as am I. Regardless, I sobbed like a child. And so did she. One of the hardest experiences of my life, and as I type this my eyes are tearing up. That moment was so terrifying. I felt truly alone and cut off from everything I had known my entire life.

The next couple months are a blur. I spent a lot of time drinking and crying and drinking and crying. There's a guy here I went to high school with. We kind of dated, but I'm in no position for anything serious...anyway he listened to me cry at least a half dozen times. Of his own free will. He even called me when he knew I was upset. And damn if I don't appreciate the shit out of him. Not only that but I owe him...well idk. Something I'll never be able to give basically.

Oh I was working those couple months as well. Two part time jobs. Met some really awesome people that are now my friends here. They helped make me feel...idk..better, I guess. Friends, you know.

Anyway, so I have a full time job now that I enjoy. With great people. Which is huge. I am still really homesick. And I cry when I get drunk lol. But all in all, here is what I've learned from my experience, thus far:

First, this has been a huge process for me. I am so close with my family and reliant on them. Not to do things for me, but for love. I've said this before and it will always be true, but I am a companion oriented person. I feel best when I give and receive love. And I'm ok with giving love and not receiving it (obviously). But in order to give love, I have to have someone to love. And Autumn wasn't around a lot. And honestly, we haven't lived together that long anyway. Regardless, I'm really obsessed with my family and being away from them is absolutely the hardest thing I've done in my life.

That being said. I needed this. I've been growing as a person and becoming more spiritual. A big part of spiritualism is discovering the truth you (not the you people see, that's ego you) and being uncomfortable. It's hard. It will always be hard. Lets be real; growth hurts. But it's worth it. I've changed so much over the past two years. The past year even. Even when I was sobbing and feeling so alone, I knew it was for the betterment of myself. And that kind of makes it all feel ok, even when you feel things are complete shit.

I've realized (again) that in really awful at dealing with myself. That's why I love to love. It's easier to love someone else than it is to love yourself. Self love is hard because we are so hard on ourselves. Which is unfair. Why be so hard on yourself? It doesn't improve your life at all.

Moving on to my last point, I've learned that home is not a place. It's...well, whatever you make it. For me, home is with anyone I love. I found that out when I went to visit Vicki. She lives in NC about three hours from me. I felt home there...because I love her :) And oddly enough, I felt home when I visited Matt in Dallas in Feb. Because I love him as well. So for me, home is anywhere I can be with someone I love.

...Which actually leads me to something else, now that I think about it. If that's my attachment in life, I'm going to need to release it. So. I guess that's my next step. And also why I decided to stay here. Well, not here, but gone. Until I can be comfortable with myself. I guess. Something like that. :)