No.

Why don't I ever feel good enough?  I don't understand.  I mean.  I probably fucked shit up with Garren.  I lied.  I understand why he's mad.  I hate being lied to.  And that's obviously a part of my shadow self that I struggle with.  I hate lying, I hate being lied to and I'm also really bad at lying anyway.  I'd much rather be hurt by telling the truth than perpetuating a lie or getting caught in a lie.  I constantly feel like I need to punish myself anyway.  Why would I want to lie just so I can get caught and punish myself more?

And why do I feel like I need to do that to myself?  I don't honestly know why I'm writing this.  It's making me feel sick.  But I'm tired of thinking about it.  I cannot stop bawling and I feel like I want to puke.  Garren keeps texting me and I just can't look at it anymore.  I care about him a lot.  A whole fucking lot.  And I would be pissed (well, hurt really) if I found out he lied to me.  But I didn't cheat on him and I never would.  I see a lot of him in me.  People in your life are obviously a reflection of yourself.  Sometimes I have a hard time seeing what people are reflecting but in him I see it very clearly.

This is insane.  But he makes me think a lot.  And somehow, sometimes, he makes me think about the part of myself that I really hate.  This is connected and tied somehow and I can't figure it out but I know it is.  And I guess now is the time to talk about it because I'm feeling it.  I've tried loving myself.  I don't know how.  I don't feel worthy of my own love.  That's so crazy.  I like so many things about myself.  But I would rather love other people and project my love there.  Which makes no sense and is paradoxical because you have to love yourself to love another person, right? That's what I've always heard and known and whatever.  I don't know.  I do know that I've struggled with liking myself at all. 

I was ok for a minute there and now it's hard to compose myself enough to keep typing...

But I do these crazy things.  I used to cut myself and I fucking loved it.  I still would honestly if it wasn't for people seeing it.  I like to be medicated.  When I overdosed and the doctor evaluated me he asked all kinds of questions.  And I'll always remember telling him that I wanted to rip my skin off.  And I still feel like that.  But why?  I don't want to be a human.  I don't want to die, but I often don't want to exist.  I hate how people pay so much attention to what others look like.  I hate being looked at.  I hate being touched.  The only time I'm comfortable being touched is by someone I'm dating.  I hug my family and I don't want to at all.  I especially dislike when someone I don't know very well touches me.  Even when it's just a simple movement.  I get rigid and uncomfortable when someone I don't know well hugs me.

Before I moved I started to binge eat.  To the point I would puke.  And cry.  And I gained 20 pounds in about two months.  Then I hated my body more.  So I starved myself.  Most days I didn't eat more than 800-1000 calories.  And I would workout for at least 40 minutes and not eat.  Some days I would only eat 500 and then binge drink.  I'm still doing that kind of. 

And these things that I do...why?  These insane things remind me of behavior of someone that was molested.  And I don't think I really was and I don't know if I believe in repressed memories.  I say I don't think I really was because...I don't know.  I hated going to the babysitter when I was a kid.  And there were all boys and they would always mess with me.  I remember a few specific times things happened but it's not like...I don't know.  

I hate that I'm writing this.  I don't know what else do to anymore.  I can't hold all of this in.  It's poisoning me.  And writing it is making me feel worse right now.  And I feel like doing all those awful disgusting negative things.  How do you not feel like that?  How do I not hate myself?  How do I not hate my body?