Faults

While I'm wallowing in negativity, I guess I'll release it.

I am not perfect; there is no such thing as perfection.  I recognize my faults and I try to improve them.

Today, my biggest fault is that I try to make everyone happy.  And that is not possible, for one.  For another, it's completely impossible if I am not first making myself happy. When I am stressing myself out to the point that I am unhappy, and crying by myself because I can't and them blaming myself.  I see this, I accept it.  Can I move on?

It's not everyone I want to make happy.  Just people I care about.  I know, in reality, I have no control over anything.  No one does.  That is the truth of the universe.  But I want things to be perfect.

Work is stressing me out.  I dream about work.  I don't dislike work at all.  It's just harder than any job I've had.  And that's good but Robyn is a control freak and wants to do it all, which doesn't help me learn anything.  It's getting better but it's still very stressful for me.

I want Garren's birthday to be perfect. I want Thanksgiving to be perfect.  I've been stressing over Thanksgiving for over a month now.  That is fucking insane.  What is wrong with  me?  I'm almost making myself sick over it.  And then my pride is getting in the way of...uh...myself?  Does that even fucking make sense?  I wanted a turkey from a farm...like an idiot, I paid for it ahead of time.  Not having it...Stupid.  Now I went to pick it up and the place was closed.  I honestly think it was a miscommunication but still it led to this crying and whatever.

Why do I have to be such picky bitch about things?  Or if I want to, can I just fucking do it and not be questioned?  Not that anyone is questioning me, because no one knows really, but I'm preparing myself for all these stupid questions that haven't even been asked.

I need to stop stressing myself out. I need to not try and please everyone.  I think I've said that, right?

Aside from that, it's also come to my realization that...ugh, deep sigh at this.  I sometimes think I'm better than other people.  But not in the conventional way, in the "I'm a super enlightened, intelligent asshole" way.  That sucks to admit.  I know I'm not better.  I also feel that I'm right, which is also not true.  In reality, there isn't right or wrong.  Things just are.

So.  That's that.  And that's a huge release and I feel relieved.  And now maybe I can go hang out with Garren and not be a crying asshole.