I have to get this out

So I guess I should talk about this and get it out before it profoundly fucks something up.

I have discovered that my relationship with Chris profoundly affected me more than I thought. I thought I was just unhappy. I overlooked the fact that, while I was unhappy, things were changing and I was unhappy because. Well. I thought I knew him. And he fucking went on Craigslist...of all things. And it still disgusts, repulses and makes me upset thinking about it.

Ugh. I feel like I'm going to cry. But I have to face it before it ruins things.

So it's not like he cheated on me...physically, that I know of. But it definitely felt like that. And still does. And not only that, but it's Craigslist. That's so disgusting. His excuse is that he thought I was cheating on him. And I still feel it's my fault. I somehow made him feel I was cheating on him? I wasn't giving him enough of me??? I don't know.

But it's extremely painful to go from loving and trusting someone that you've been with for three years, that you live with...to feeling like they are a sick perverse stranger.

And I understand that I should not have expectations. And I understand that we cannot really, truly "know" another person.

But I am projecting this past experience into my life currently. And I guess I have been since Chris and I broke up. And I masked it by projecting my love into someone that I knew would not reciprocate. Which was Matt. And now I guess I have to deal with it.

So. Once again, I'm laying it out. That HURT me. Was I not good enough?? Did I not care enough? Did I not show enough?? Why couldn't he pick something normal, like, call your fuckig ex gf??? Jesus. I don't know. Whatever.

Not whatever. I'm mad at myself. Not at him. I'm mad at myself for shoving my feelings down. And now that I'm talking about it, feeling it all over again.

But I'm about to jump into something. And I hope I can move past and learn from that experience.

No expectations, Brittni. Love yourself. <3