Findings

So I moved about three months ago as of this weekend. I'm going to attempt to put together words in order to give you (...not that anyone reads this) some kind of idea of how I felt during this experience. I'm not totally sure it's something I can accurately describe.

Let me preface with the week leading up to the Friday I left. I had next to nothing packed. Instead of that shit, I went out. Every night. I had a going away party the weekend before and it was exhausting and amazing. People take A LOT out of you. Everyone pulling you in different directions. I don't know how most people are, but the people I love, I love intensely. So after my party, I had a going away party at work and spent Thursday and Friday at work probably still drunk and extremely hungover.

I left Friday after work. My last day at work I will never forget. Lohr was an amazing company to work for. I wish I could take that place and move it here. I've never worked with such caring, good hearted people. They all hugged me and told me good luck and gave me going away cards with well wished. I went to leave to meet my family (mom, grandparents, aunt, uncle and cousin...all) at my apartment. I still had shit to pack. I got in the car and that stupid fucking Taylor Swift/Tim McGraw song "Highway Don't Care" song was on. Fucking LOST IT. I couldn't cry in front of my grandma bc she was already a mess so I called Ashley and she calmed me down. Leaving was hard, but my mom drove here with me, and that made it a billion times easier. I had also distanced myself from the situation and was viewing it from an outside perspective...somehow.

My first week here was awesome. My mom was here. She put together all my furniture from Ikea and unpacked 95% of my stuff while I went on interviews. You know...bc I just quit my job at home like a crazy psycho and moved across the country. Had my mom not been here, I would have went back home. No joke. I needed that support in the biggest way. And when I wasn't interviewing, we went tons of places and explored and it was so nice to have someone here. Anyway, when she left it was awful lol. My mom is not very emotional, and I never was until...well probably the past 1-2 years. And my mom and I haven't always been the closest. She's a bit guarded as am I. Regardless, I sobbed like a child. And so did she. One of the hardest experiences of my life, and as I type this my eyes are tearing up. That moment was so terrifying. I felt truly alone and cut off from everything I had known my entire life.

The next couple months are a blur. I spent a lot of time drinking and crying and drinking and crying. There's a guy here I went to high school with. We kind of dated, but I'm in no position for anything serious...anyway he listened to me cry at least a half dozen times. Of his own free will. He even called me when he knew I was upset. And damn if I don't appreciate the shit out of him. Not only that but I owe him...well idk. Something I'll never be able to give basically.

Oh I was working those couple months as well. Two part time jobs. Met some really awesome people that are now my friends here. They helped make me feel...idk..better, I guess. Friends, you know.

Anyway, so I have a full time job now that I enjoy. With great people. Which is huge. I am still really homesick. And I cry when I get drunk lol. But all in all, here is what I've learned from my experience, thus far:

First, this has been a huge process for me. I am so close with my family and reliant on them. Not to do things for me, but for love. I've said this before and it will always be true, but I am a companion oriented person. I feel best when I give and receive love. And I'm ok with giving love and not receiving it (obviously). But in order to give love, I have to have someone to love. And Autumn wasn't around a lot. And honestly, we haven't lived together that long anyway. Regardless, I'm really obsessed with my family and being away from them is absolutely the hardest thing I've done in my life.

That being said. I needed this. I've been growing as a person and becoming more spiritual. A big part of spiritualism is discovering the truth you (not the you people see, that's ego you) and being uncomfortable. It's hard. It will always be hard. Lets be real; growth hurts. But it's worth it. I've changed so much over the past two years. The past year even. Even when I was sobbing and feeling so alone, I knew it was for the betterment of myself. And that kind of makes it all feel ok, even when you feel things are complete shit.

I've realized (again) that in really awful at dealing with myself. That's why I love to love. It's easier to love someone else than it is to love yourself. Self love is hard because we are so hard on ourselves. Which is unfair. Why be so hard on yourself? It doesn't improve your life at all.

Moving on to my last point, I've learned that home is not a place. It's...well, whatever you make it. For me, home is with anyone I love. I found that out when I went to visit Vicki. She lives in NC about three hours from me. I felt home there...because I love her :) And oddly enough, I felt home when I visited Matt in Dallas in Feb. Because I love him as well. So for me, home is anywhere I can be with someone I love.

...Which actually leads me to something else, now that I think about it. If that's my attachment in life, I'm going to need to release it. So. I guess that's my next step. And also why I decided to stay here. Well, not here, but gone. Until I can be comfortable with myself. I guess. Something like that. :)

Laying things out.

I live so far away from my home.

You...or I...don't (didn't) realize how much you rely on people you love until they aren't in close proximity to you.  

Not just to do things for you.  I am fine doing things myself.  But to love.  To touch. 

I've been here...almost three months now.  It's beautiful.  Everything around me is so amazingly beautiful, I'm astounded every day.  I have met beautiful people.  

Nothing replaces being around people you love.  And who love you back.  

I have adjusted pretty well.  I don't cry as much as I used to.  I was awful when I first got here.  I cried and cried.  I've never been away from my family like this.  My family is small.  Looking at it now from an outside perspective, we're a little creepily close.  

But I have never been an emotional person.  I think I've done more crying here in the past three months than I've done in the past three years.  I've never been good at expressing my emotions to those that I should be expressing them to.  Which is why I'm blogging, when I haven't in months, instead of calling...anyone I love.  

I was thinking last night how alone I feel.  Which is strange because I talked to Ashley and my dad.  And I've felt better lately than I have since I got here.

But I would give anything to be close to someone.  To be held.  To be able to talk, in person, and feel understood.  I can call my friends and family on the phone.  It's not the same.  I have went on dates.  I have kissed people.  It's not the same.  

I've made friends here.  They're awesome people.  Three months isn't long enough to love a friend.  Or establish the friend connections like I have at home.  I appreciate the fuck out of my family and friends so much.  

I guess I had to leave to realize that.  No one wants to live in the shitty midwest forever. It's shitty until you're gone. And actually, I don't want to go home.  Well, I do...to visit.  Not to move.  I just wish there was one person here I loved.  Just one.  And I know I will, over time.  But godfuckingdamnit if it isn't hard.

.......................

I feel a lot better now.  Letting that out.  I just really want to let go and travel and be happy with myself and love myself.  I think this is a big step in that direction.  I've made a lot of personal progress since I've been here actually.  I mean, moving was a big step.  And really, no matter how hard, it was a natural one.  I've evolved so, so much over the past two years.  What's most important to me is that it continues.  

I really tried to put spiritual teachings into practice.  And I've done a pretty decent job, I think.  Nothing is perfect, but everything is always perfect :) So I've done perfect.  I've tried to relinquish my attachments to people.  I posted...last year actually, on attachment vs non attachment.  

It's not something I've mastered, for sure. I can say I relinquished my attachment to Matt.  Well, I mean, I kind of had to.  He moved...I moved.  I still fucking love him.  I don't know if I'll ever understand that. 

Hm...maybe I need to understand that to relinquish attachment to my family as well...

That's definitely something I need to think on for awhile.  Because...attachment isn't love.  Love (essentially) is unconditional.  And I DO love my family unconditionally.  I just need to relinquish the intense attachment to them I feel...

This is definitely something to ponder for awhile.  I feel so much better right now :)