Laying things out.

I live so far away from my home.

You...or I...don't (didn't) realize how much you rely on people you love until they aren't in close proximity to you.  

Not just to do things for you.  I am fine doing things myself.  But to love.  To touch. 

I've been here...almost three months now.  It's beautiful.  Everything around me is so amazingly beautiful, I'm astounded every day.  I have met beautiful people.  

Nothing replaces being around people you love.  And who love you back.  

I have adjusted pretty well.  I don't cry as much as I used to.  I was awful when I first got here.  I cried and cried.  I've never been away from my family like this.  My family is small.  Looking at it now from an outside perspective, we're a little creepily close.  

But I have never been an emotional person.  I think I've done more crying here in the past three months than I've done in the past three years.  I've never been good at expressing my emotions to those that I should be expressing them to.  Which is why I'm blogging, when I haven't in months, instead of calling...anyone I love.  

I was thinking last night how alone I feel.  Which is strange because I talked to Ashley and my dad.  And I've felt better lately than I have since I got here.

But I would give anything to be close to someone.  To be held.  To be able to talk, in person, and feel understood.  I can call my friends and family on the phone.  It's not the same.  I have went on dates.  I have kissed people.  It's not the same.  

I've made friends here.  They're awesome people.  Three months isn't long enough to love a friend.  Or establish the friend connections like I have at home.  I appreciate the fuck out of my family and friends so much.  

I guess I had to leave to realize that.  No one wants to live in the shitty midwest forever. It's shitty until you're gone. And actually, I don't want to go home.  Well, I do...to visit.  Not to move.  I just wish there was one person here I loved.  Just one.  And I know I will, over time.  But godfuckingdamnit if it isn't hard.

.......................

I feel a lot better now.  Letting that out.  I just really want to let go and travel and be happy with myself and love myself.  I think this is a big step in that direction.  I've made a lot of personal progress since I've been here actually.  I mean, moving was a big step.  And really, no matter how hard, it was a natural one.  I've evolved so, so much over the past two years.  What's most important to me is that it continues.  

I really tried to put spiritual teachings into practice.  And I've done a pretty decent job, I think.  Nothing is perfect, but everything is always perfect :) So I've done perfect.  I've tried to relinquish my attachments to people.  I posted...last year actually, on attachment vs non attachment.  

It's not something I've mastered, for sure. I can say I relinquished my attachment to Matt.  Well, I mean, I kind of had to.  He moved...I moved.  I still fucking love him.  I don't know if I'll ever understand that. 

Hm...maybe I need to understand that to relinquish attachment to my family as well...

That's definitely something I need to think on for awhile.  Because...attachment isn't love.  Love (essentially) is unconditional.  And I DO love my family unconditionally.  I just need to relinquish the intense attachment to them I feel...

This is definitely something to ponder for awhile.  I feel so much better right now :)