It's been awhile

Writing takes a lot out of me.  I'm not very in touch with my emotions and I tend to view myself and life from a distance.  I like to avoid becoming too emotional.  Even when I cry...I hold myself back a lot.  

Anyway, not my intention for writing this, but just a few random things before I say what I actually wanted to. First off, I think I've had this for a year?  Weird.  When people say the older you get, the faster time goes, it's so insanely true.  And bizarre.  Every year that goes by I compare how radically different they are/my life is.  It's really mind blowing to me.  

My intention on blogging today was to talk about being a kid.  And how different I am...and I mean, everyone is different from when they were a kid lol.  But I think a lot of people grow into control and rigidness.  I am trying to grow out of that.  And I have, in many cases.  I am still a pseudo control freak.  "Knowing" things makes you feel safe, you know?  

Either way, as a kid, I was all about control.  I remember in junior high, I had my morning routine down to the minute. I would shower, get dressed, do my make up and eat breakfast.  I literally got out of the shower every day at the same time. Being a minute off would throw my day off.  

It's weird to think back on that now.  I have no real morning routine.  I get up at the last second.  

I'm still a planner, for sure.  My friend Jordan told me this weekend that I try and plan too much.  Which was both funny and shocking to me.  I guess I feel so much less "plan-y" than I did when I was younger that it didn't occur to me that I still do it.  

The difference is, I can, and do, stray from my routines.  I still get caught up in expectations, even though I try really really hard not to.  

I'm pretty self aware, but I definitely don't understand myself. Sometimes the way I am and the way I do things and feel make NO sense to me whatsoever.  And it kind of bothers me.  

But every day is a chance to learn more and grow.  So there's no such thing as perfection because every person every day is constantly becoming the best person they can be in every way.  Even if they're doing nothing.  

Somehow that (kind of) puts my mind at ease.  Just a little :)

Namaste, loves!