Circles

I haven't said anything in awhile because I...don't know how. And I'm sure I'll talk in circles but I need to get it out of my head. As usual. 

I guess a quick life update will do. I live in the city now. With a girl I graduated from high school with. We get along famously. Really good decision. I'm loving it so far. I feel content, whole, at peace and centered. Matt moved to Dallas. I am not seeing anyone. Korey started talking to me when Sarah broke up with him. He's just not right for me. Nice guy but not for me. 

Naturally back to the guy thing. Always. Because everything else in life one feels they can have control over, even though it's false. Even if we know deep down it's true that we have no control over anything, it's especially difficult when you add other people into the equation because you want them to behave a certain way. Which they may not. And usually do not.

That being said, when Matt left I knew I would hear from him, I just didn't know when. It was three days after he left. On Christmas, actually. He told me he missed me. I got teary eyed. He was very sweet and consistent for quite some time. Telling me he missed me, to come there, etc. Even told me I was "his" and to wait for him.

I eventually agreed to come see him. Four days in February. Four days, chosen by him. The 14-18. He even told me he loved me. Twice, actually. The second time I was asleep. He called me an "ass" for not responding. 

Since then, not much. A few days later I told him I missed him and loved him and can't wait to see him. I don't usually do that because he seems to pull away. But I felt bad because I think he meant it and I was drunk and kind of mean. And I do love him. Very much. 

Like I said, he hasn't said much since then. And I told him I would wait. And I am waiting. But...what am I waiting for? Him to come home? Grow up? Be a man? Commit to me? Just sex?! I don't even know. He said wait and I said ok. 

I'm starting to think I'm an idiot. BUT. A few things: One, I'm not interested in anyone else. Two, I don't think I'm ready. Three, this situation with him being gone is somewhat ideal. For both of us, I think. 

With those things said, I *wish* there was a BIT more normalcy. But at the same time, idk from what angle. I bitch about it. But I don't know what I want really. I mean, I would like him to open up more to me. But I can't make him. And not of he doesn't want to.

It's just, I've been seeing him off and on for...well close to a year. And I feel there's been no progress. Even though I know there has. And I shouldn't be progressing quickly anyway. And neither should he. But something says something is wrong. 

Now that I've talked in circles, I think it's society. Everyone (ALL of my friends, his friends, my family) say we are weird and don't make sense and they don't get it. And I don't get "it" either. But I'm comfortable with it and I like it. So why do we have to be "normal"? What is that anyway? I need to be myself, as an individual, before being with someone. And I think he needs to be happy/confident in himself before being with someone. 

Matt has what I like to call pseudo confidence. If you can read people well, you will see this in him too. But no matter what, I love him and even though we don't communicate like most people, I feel a connection with him like I haven't felt with anyone else. 

I guess that's all I have? I wish I could make more sense of things myself. But this is all I've got.