I have to get this out

So I guess I should talk about this and get it out before it profoundly fucks something up.

I have discovered that my relationship with Chris profoundly affected me more than I thought. I thought I was just unhappy. I overlooked the fact that, while I was unhappy, things were changing and I was unhappy because. Well. I thought I knew him. And he fucking went on Craigslist...of all things. And it still disgusts, repulses and makes me upset thinking about it.

Ugh. I feel like I'm going to cry. But I have to face it before it ruins things.

So it's not like he cheated on me...physically, that I know of. But it definitely felt like that. And still does. And not only that, but it's Craigslist. That's so disgusting. His excuse is that he thought I was cheating on him. And I still feel it's my fault. I somehow made him feel I was cheating on him? I wasn't giving him enough of me??? I don't know.

But it's extremely painful to go from loving and trusting someone that you've been with for three years, that you live with...to feeling like they are a sick perverse stranger.

And I understand that I should not have expectations. And I understand that we cannot really, truly "know" another person.

But I am projecting this past experience into my life currently. And I guess I have been since Chris and I broke up. And I masked it by projecting my love into someone that I knew would not reciprocate. Which was Matt. And now I guess I have to deal with it.

So. Once again, I'm laying it out. That HURT me. Was I not good enough?? Did I not care enough? Did I not show enough?? Why couldn't he pick something normal, like, call your fuckig ex gf??? Jesus. I don't know. Whatever.

Not whatever. I'm mad at myself. Not at him. I'm mad at myself for shoving my feelings down. And now that I'm talking about it, feeling it all over again.

But I'm about to jump into something. And I hope I can move past and learn from that experience.

No expectations, Brittni. Love yourself. <3

One year ago

It's quite insane to look back and think about what my life was like a year ago.  So, let's do it!  Yay!

I had lost my job a month before.  My first big girl job out of college.  I was devastated.

Matt had stopped talking to me (temporarily *intense eye roll*).

I was living with my parents.

I was pretty depressed.  Not like I would have been, if I were younger.  But I was just like, wtf is this complete shit??  So I just kind of rode it out for awhile.  I drank a lot.  I was job hunting like crazy, but I was just kind of...numb.  It's so weird to think back.

I decided I needed to quit that shit quick when one morning I woke up in a 21 year old kid's bed (not that I'm old...but jeez) on like a....Wednesday morning or something.  And I was like, holyyyy shit.  I should really reevaluate.  I said that to myself about three more times before I ACTUALLY reevaluated.  For the record, I did not have sex with that 21 year old.  BUT STILL.

Anyway, I got a job at the beginning of Oct.  Since then everything has changed really.

It's weird...I mean.  Reflecting on things.  Life was "bad".  But it could have been so much worse.  It could STILL be worse.  And I know that.  So I'm grateful.

The past year has been a huge growing experience. I'm a lot more comfortable being by myself.

Moving was the hardest thing I've done. I'll chronicle that when I feel more comfortable. But the way the events in my life have played out over the past year + has brought me to where I am now. I'm still adjusting. And I don't want to cry lol. So I'll detail that in a few weeks.

I will however say that I went home last weekend and I feel better. But I still don't know what I'm doing. I wonder if I ever will.