Faults

While I'm wallowing in negativity, I guess I'll release it.

I am not perfect; there is no such thing as perfection.  I recognize my faults and I try to improve them.

Today, my biggest fault is that I try to make everyone happy.  And that is not possible, for one.  For another, it's completely impossible if I am not first making myself happy. When I am stressing myself out to the point that I am unhappy, and crying by myself because I can't and them blaming myself.  I see this, I accept it.  Can I move on?

It's not everyone I want to make happy.  Just people I care about.  I know, in reality, I have no control over anything.  No one does.  That is the truth of the universe.  But I want things to be perfect.

Work is stressing me out.  I dream about work.  I don't dislike work at all.  It's just harder than any job I've had.  And that's good but Robyn is a control freak and wants to do it all, which doesn't help me learn anything.  It's getting better but it's still very stressful for me.

I want Garren's birthday to be perfect. I want Thanksgiving to be perfect.  I've been stressing over Thanksgiving for over a month now.  That is fucking insane.  What is wrong with  me?  I'm almost making myself sick over it.  And then my pride is getting in the way of...uh...myself?  Does that even fucking make sense?  I wanted a turkey from a farm...like an idiot, I paid for it ahead of time.  Not having it...Stupid.  Now I went to pick it up and the place was closed.  I honestly think it was a miscommunication but still it led to this crying and whatever.

Why do I have to be such picky bitch about things?  Or if I want to, can I just fucking do it and not be questioned?  Not that anyone is questioning me, because no one knows really, but I'm preparing myself for all these stupid questions that haven't even been asked.

I need to stop stressing myself out. I need to not try and please everyone.  I think I've said that, right?

Aside from that, it's also come to my realization that...ugh, deep sigh at this.  I sometimes think I'm better than other people.  But not in the conventional way, in the "I'm a super enlightened, intelligent asshole" way.  That sucks to admit.  I know I'm not better.  I also feel that I'm right, which is also not true.  In reality, there isn't right or wrong.  Things just are.

So.  That's that.  And that's a huge release and I feel relieved.  And now maybe I can go hang out with Garren and not be a crying asshole.

No.

Why don't I ever feel good enough?  I don't understand.  I mean.  I probably fucked shit up with Garren.  I lied.  I understand why he's mad.  I hate being lied to.  And that's obviously a part of my shadow self that I struggle with.  I hate lying, I hate being lied to and I'm also really bad at lying anyway.  I'd much rather be hurt by telling the truth than perpetuating a lie or getting caught in a lie.  I constantly feel like I need to punish myself anyway.  Why would I want to lie just so I can get caught and punish myself more?

And why do I feel like I need to do that to myself?  I don't honestly know why I'm writing this.  It's making me feel sick.  But I'm tired of thinking about it.  I cannot stop bawling and I feel like I want to puke.  Garren keeps texting me and I just can't look at it anymore.  I care about him a lot.  A whole fucking lot.  And I would be pissed (well, hurt really) if I found out he lied to me.  But I didn't cheat on him and I never would.  I see a lot of him in me.  People in your life are obviously a reflection of yourself.  Sometimes I have a hard time seeing what people are reflecting but in him I see it very clearly.

This is insane.  But he makes me think a lot.  And somehow, sometimes, he makes me think about the part of myself that I really hate.  This is connected and tied somehow and I can't figure it out but I know it is.  And I guess now is the time to talk about it because I'm feeling it.  I've tried loving myself.  I don't know how.  I don't feel worthy of my own love.  That's so crazy.  I like so many things about myself.  But I would rather love other people and project my love there.  Which makes no sense and is paradoxical because you have to love yourself to love another person, right? That's what I've always heard and known and whatever.  I don't know.  I do know that I've struggled with liking myself at all. 

I was ok for a minute there and now it's hard to compose myself enough to keep typing...

But I do these crazy things.  I used to cut myself and I fucking loved it.  I still would honestly if it wasn't for people seeing it.  I like to be medicated.  When I overdosed and the doctor evaluated me he asked all kinds of questions.  And I'll always remember telling him that I wanted to rip my skin off.  And I still feel like that.  But why?  I don't want to be a human.  I don't want to die, but I often don't want to exist.  I hate how people pay so much attention to what others look like.  I hate being looked at.  I hate being touched.  The only time I'm comfortable being touched is by someone I'm dating.  I hug my family and I don't want to at all.  I especially dislike when someone I don't know very well touches me.  Even when it's just a simple movement.  I get rigid and uncomfortable when someone I don't know well hugs me.

Before I moved I started to binge eat.  To the point I would puke.  And cry.  And I gained 20 pounds in about two months.  Then I hated my body more.  So I starved myself.  Most days I didn't eat more than 800-1000 calories.  And I would workout for at least 40 minutes and not eat.  Some days I would only eat 500 and then binge drink.  I'm still doing that kind of. 

And these things that I do...why?  These insane things remind me of behavior of someone that was molested.  And I don't think I really was and I don't know if I believe in repressed memories.  I say I don't think I really was because...I don't know.  I hated going to the babysitter when I was a kid.  And there were all boys and they would always mess with me.  I remember a few specific times things happened but it's not like...I don't know.  

I hate that I'm writing this.  I don't know what else do to anymore.  I can't hold all of this in.  It's poisoning me.  And writing it is making me feel worse right now.  And I feel like doing all those awful disgusting negative things.  How do you not feel like that?  How do I not hate myself?  How do I not hate my body?