Update

I got a jobbbb.  Yay! With a distribution company.  Ha!  Like I need that :-) I'm excited.

Got job, think I lost both Matt and Korey.  Literal: win some, lose some situation.  

I was wrong.  I don't really care about Matt.  

That's not what I mean/meant.  I do.  I do not care if he talks to me/wants to be with me/doesn't want to be with me.

I do care about Korey, andddd as usual, I fucked shit up.  

How/whyyy?  Oh, by being drunk, of fucking course.

I am going to admit something here, and here only: I think I have a drinking problem.  It's not addiction or anything like that.  It's an actual problem with drinking.  Every time I drink, I black out.  Every. Single. Time. That is not good.

So I said something to Korey.  Who knows what I said or about what, but he is unhappy with me.  I do know that I said, "Guys want to fuck me".  I am such a hoosier lush.  Who says that?  And why?  And who cares?  Of course guys wants to fuck me, I am a female.  Guys pretty much want to fuck any female.  Why would I say that?  I don't even remember saying it, he just repeated it back to me several times, and that sunk in.  

I cried myself to sleep last night.  So hard, that when I woke up, my eyes were so puffy, they had puff creases.  Then I cried when I woke up.

I know like; universe, realtionships, reflections, nonattachment, no expectations, lessons, etc.  But I am hurt.  Mostly at myself, which sounds dumb I know, "hurt at myself".  But really.  I put myself in this situation and I fucked it up and I hurt now.  

That's all I really have to say for now.

Oh Jeez

Quick life update before I start on what I really want to say:  Italian Fest was this weekend.  It went really, really well.  Tiring, as usual, but everything ran really smooth.  I still don't have a job :-/ ugh.  I feel like all I do is go on interviews and no one will fucking hired me :-( It's making me really sad.  Andddd I have chiggers all over my body, which leads me into what I'd really like to talk about...

Friday I had sex with Matt.  This has become a Friday ritual, and it's weird.  So, we had sex in his backyard, which apparently is a haven for chiggers.  I text him when I got home because I looked at my feet and they were COVERED in chigger bites.  He didn't respond until the next day and right when I went to go text him again, because I discovered they were EVERYWHERE, he text me and basically said the same thing. And I was like WTF.  They're all over my legs, my butt, my feet and even some on my arms.  Outside sex FAIL.  This whole story is actually beside my main point, which I'll get to now.

I am torn.  I really like Korey.  But I am so attached to Matt.  Shaila keeps telling me to not worry about it or rush anything, but they are unknowingly pressuring me.  Here is the basic layout of the situation, which I will try to keep in order.

So Korey and I have been talking for about a month.  Actually, no, like 6 weeks or something.  He didn't kiss me for a month.  And then a few days later we had sex.  As I said, I like him, he is nice and sane and put together and he likes me.  Honestly, I could see some kind of future with him.  I mentioned something on Twitter about me doing something shady, which I didn't (well, Matt maybe?...) and he asked what it was and if he should make other plans because he's not cool with me hooking up with...uh, anyone I guess.  And I was like, well fuck.  I didn't tell him because number one, we are not together and number two, Matt was first and we never stopped having sex, he's just a twat.  Also, how was I supposed to know his thoughts on it?  But even though I do know now, I'm not really doing anything about is, soooo....

Now, Matt.  Ugh.  Seriously, just UGH.  He didn't talk to me for a few weeks and ever since he has been again, he talks to me pretty often.  Almost daily really.  But we haven't hung out, we just have sex.  And since we started...whatever again, I keep telling him I'm not going to not talk to other people.  I guess he thought I was kidding?  I told him Friday I was talking to someone else and today (it's Sunday) he told me he's done with me.  And I was like, whatever Matt, this situation is your fault.  He knows how I feel about him and he knows I want to be with him, and he won't do it.  I asked him today if I should give up and he said, "Never give up".  Well, that's dandy, Matt.  I told him I can't wait forever and that Korey likes me.  Then he mention something about Twitter, which made me really happy because he does creep me, even though he says he doesn't.  I told him I know he cares about me and he's scared and he fucking FINALLY admitted to caring about me.  Seriously, finally.  I've been involved with him for six months and he just now admitted he cares about me. 

Now, I don't like to lie (actually I loathe it), but this situation is something I've not experienced.  He wants me to stop talking to Korey.  So I told him I would stop talking to him if he hangs out with me soon.  So we are.  I told him no sex, I can't anyway, I'll be on my period and he said "good".  I am not going to stop talking to Korey.  

SO here are my thoughts on this whole mess: Matt is a disaster, I am in love with him and attached.  Not even attached in a negative, crazy way, I just really care about him.  He is difficult, has never had a real girlfriend and would probably be an awful boyfriend.  But I love our dynamic, for some reason, (which now that I think about it, makes me insane) and I am so attracted to him.  I think he feeds my want for variety, the need to not be routine and keeps me guessing about everything, but his dedication and care for me (even though he would never say it) is very constant.  
As for Korey, I really like him, but I don't have the same deep feelings I do for Matt.  At the same time, I obviously haven't known him for long. I know he cares about me though because he listens to me.  Oh, and he met my parents last night lol.  Not like, a super official meeting, but they were at Hurricane's when we were there.  And before we left he made a point to say bye to them.  Honestly, I feel bad because I'm still sleeping with Matt and emotionally invested in Matt.  

I honestly think my real problem here is my fear to commit.  I pressure Matt to commit basically because I know he won't.  I want to be with someone (not just anyone, that's not what I'm saying) and I don't because I'm scared.  I'm scared to be with someone for four years again just to become unhappy.  Or for the relationship to become stagnant.  I'm just scared and I believe it may be a big reason why I am so drawn to Matt.  After all, people in our lives are mirrors of yourself.  Matt definitely mirrors me in that aspect. 

I don't know.  If anyone does read this and has any advice to offer, please do.  I would really appreciate it.

I'm really good at babbling

Speaking of, can I post pics on this bitch?  I have some funny pics I take of shit.  I would have to edit some, so as to not expose the douche bags.  Or just cuteness.  Depending. If I were blogging from my phone I bet I could figure it out.  My phone is my boyfriend, like whoa.

Anyway.  I don't know why I even decided to blog right now.  I feel like I have some things to say or I should update on life or something.  I guess I'll do that.

About life: I still don't have a jobbb.  I'm getting really anxious and depressed.  Today I was in an extremely foul mood.  I'm still waiting on a call back from the Apex interview I had last week.  Apparently no one has heard back yet though, which makes me feel better.  I think I said the other day that my little spiritual friend, Cody (I say little bc he's 19) told me that I'm "not looking for the right job, the right job is looking for me".  Damn, I love that kid.  And I keep trying to keep that in mind.  Because he is right.  Stressing just makes the situation worse. 

I know that it will happen.  But damn, I am not used to being so bored. I'm mean, I'm working part time at the Dazz.  But if I'm working part time, I'm also used to taking 5 classes and probably also working another job too.  JUST working part time is making me crazy.  I vary between having all this energy all of the time to wanting to sleep all day because I'm depressed.  It's fucking maddening. 

On the upside of things, Korey is like, legitimately interested in me.  And naturally, I'm being a weirdo spazz about it.  Well, kind of.  I mean, we've only hung out like, four time.  But we haven't kissed.  But he talks to me like every day.  And tonight he asked when he would get to see me again. So we're hanging out Thursday.  And maybe Saturday.

Here's what my crazy mind is thinking: What if he's a bad kisser?  Then I can't have sex with him.  And then I can't like him O__O
Or what if he's fine and then we go to have sex and he has a weird wiener?!  Or is bad?  Whyyy am I over thinking it so much?!

Probably because he's a normal, sane, stable, human being capable of taking care of himself so I feel like being a psycho and sabotaging it.  

I like how I know exactly what the dilemma is, yet I am somehow incapable (or more unwilling) to change the situation.

Like, analyze this: Why am I so hung up on Matt?  Because he's a disaster!!  Because I want to "fix" him.  Just like every other loser I've dated.  Because he goes back and forth between showering me with attention to nothing.  But mainly, the fix thing.  Something is wrong with you, I want to fix you.

Teal Scott (as well as other spiritual healers/guides) say that you cannot fix someone because that insinuates that something is wrong with them.  And in reality, nothing is "wrong" with them.  They just may be stuck in the same life lesson because they are not learning correctly from it.  And while you can aid them, if they want, ultimately it is up to them to make the change.

With this thought in my head, Chris used to always tell me he "changed for me".  This is a negative way to perceive things for a few reasons.  For one, why would you do anything for anyone other than yourself?  If you don't have children that is.  For another, he didn't really do anything.  He got a job.  Well, welcome to reality, Chris.

Moving on.  I say nothing's going on in my life, but really there's a lot going on.  It's shifting and changing and I really feel that it's for the better.  I mean, it has to be for the better, because that's how the universe works ;) So I'll just keep moving forward.

I am missing the lesson. Or something.

I say I'm missing the lesson because I keep going back to this.

So yeah, having sex with Matt. It was like, whatever. I mean, I am comfortable with him and know he's not sleeping around and I don't want to sleep around and sometimes you just have to have sex. I thought that would be the end of it.

Well on Wednesday he text me again.  Wanted me to come over, blah blah.  Then I find out he's at Adam's, and I'm like WTF NO!  Then he got mad b/c he didn't know Adam liked me and of course my big mouth told  him.  Oops. BUT I didn't go there. Or to his house when he invited me.  And then he was saying really crazy sexual things to me, which is SO unlike him.

SO Friday comes around and I creeped and knew he was going out of town this weekend so I didn't expect to hear from him.  But he did text me and wanted me to come over.  And bugged me for awhile.  I even told him I couldn't have sex because I was on my period and he said that was fine.  So I went there.

I stayed until like, 3 in the morning.  He wouldn't let me leave, he was being clingy.  It's SO WEIRD to me.  The whole situation is weird.  That's why I think I'm missing something.

And now, I'm obsessing.  AGAIN.
He was tweeting this 19 y/o girl and I text him and basically yelled at him.  I don't even know WHY.  Like, we're not together, at all!  I can't believe I did that, but I was just so pissed.  He called me and I kept ignoring it.  Then I asked him what the hell and he said "love you" and I said "Fuck yourself Matt.  You really know how you want to stay unhappy in life".  He text me this morning at 745 and said "ohhh fuck", then again at 845 and said "drugs" then AGAIN at 145 and said "and I apologize.  I slept with a dude on the couch"...

I just text him back a little bit ago and I asked what he is apologizing for and he hasn't responded.  It's just so weird.  What is he apologizing for?  If he was on drugs...idk what drugs...whatever.  I mean, he deleted ALL of his tweets from last night.

Weird he just responded and said "for being a dumb stupid idiot".  Jesus.  Idk.  I'm talking to three other guys and I'm hung up on this dumbfuck that's excuse is "drugs".  I have a headache from thinking about it.
So my whole point is, I'm missing something.  No sane, self respecting person puts themselves in this situation.  And not only am I in the situation, I seem to be firmly planted.  Any time I feel like I'm getting over him, something happens.  He talks to me, I see him somewhere, a song he sent me comes on, someone asks me about him, etc.  It's tiring.

When I was at his house the other day I told him I wasn't going to talk to him exclusively.  Then he got all pissy about Adam and made me promise I wouldn't hook up with him, and I was like, oook done because I'm not even attracted to Adam.

Talking about this is making me extremely tired.  Speaking of tired, I haven't been sleeping well at allll lately.  It's driving me nuts.

On a side note, I'm going out with Korey tonight.  But at like, 11.  When he's done with the local show shit.  Soooo maybe I can actually talk to him like a normal human being instead of blackout drunk.  We shall see.