Quick life update before I start on what I really want to say: Italian Fest was this weekend. It went really, really well. Tiring, as usual, but everything ran really smooth. I still don't have a job :-/ ugh. I feel like all I do is go on interviews and no one will fucking hired me :-( It's making me really sad. Andddd I have chiggers all over my body, which leads me into what I'd really like to talk about...
Friday I had sex with Matt. This has become a Friday ritual, and it's weird. So, we had sex in his backyard, which apparently is a haven for chiggers. I text him when I got home because I looked at my feet and they were COVERED in chigger bites. He didn't respond until the next day and right when I went to go text him again, because I discovered they were EVERYWHERE, he text me and basically said the same thing. And I was like WTF. They're all over my legs, my butt, my feet and even some on my arms. Outside sex FAIL. This whole story is actually beside my main point, which I'll get to now.
I am torn. I really like Korey. But I am so attached to Matt. Shaila keeps telling me to not worry about it or rush anything, but they are unknowingly pressuring me. Here is the basic layout of the situation, which I will try to keep in order.
So Korey and I have been talking for about a month. Actually, no, like 6 weeks or something. He didn't kiss me for a month. And then a few days later we had sex. As I said, I like him, he is nice and sane and put together and he likes me. Honestly, I could see some kind of future with him. I mentioned something on Twitter about me doing something shady, which I didn't (well, Matt maybe?...) and he asked what it was and if he should make other plans because he's not cool with me hooking up with...uh, anyone I guess. And I was like, well fuck. I didn't tell him because number one, we are not together and number two, Matt was first and we never stopped having sex, he's just a twat. Also, how was I supposed to know his thoughts on it? But even though I do know now, I'm not really doing anything about is, soooo....
Now, Matt. Ugh. Seriously, just UGH. He didn't talk to me for a few weeks and ever since he has been again, he talks to me pretty often. Almost daily really. But we haven't hung out, we just have sex. And since we started...whatever again, I keep telling him I'm not going to not talk to other people. I guess he thought I was kidding? I told him Friday I was talking to someone else and today (it's Sunday) he told me he's done with me. And I was like, whatever Matt, this situation is your fault. He knows how I feel about him and he knows I want to be with him, and he won't do it. I asked him today if I should give up and he said, "Never give up". Well, that's dandy, Matt. I told him I can't wait forever and that Korey likes me. Then he mention something about Twitter, which made me really happy because he does creep me, even though he says he doesn't. I told him I know he cares about me and he's scared and he fucking FINALLY admitted to caring about me. Seriously, finally. I've been involved with him for six months and he just now admitted he cares about me.
Now, I don't like to lie (actually I loathe it), but this situation is something I've not experienced. He wants me to stop talking to Korey. So I told him I would stop talking to him if he hangs out with me soon. So we are. I told him no sex, I can't anyway, I'll be on my period and he said "good". I am not going to stop talking to Korey.
SO here are my thoughts on this whole mess: Matt is a disaster, I am in love with him and attached. Not even attached in a negative, crazy way, I just really care about him. He is difficult, has never had a real girlfriend and would probably be an awful boyfriend. But I love our dynamic, for some reason, (which now that I think about it, makes me insane) and I am so attracted to him. I think he feeds my want for variety, the need to not be routine and keeps me guessing about everything, but his dedication and care for me (even though he would never say it) is very constant.
As for Korey, I really like him, but I don't have the same deep feelings I do for Matt. At the same time, I obviously haven't known him for long. I know he cares about me though because he listens to me. Oh, and he met my parents last night lol. Not like, a super official meeting, but they were at Hurricane's when we were there. And before we left he made a point to say bye to them. Honestly, I feel bad because I'm still sleeping with Matt and emotionally invested in Matt.
I honestly think my real problem here is my fear to commit. I pressure Matt to commit basically because I know he won't. I want to be with someone (not just anyone, that's not what I'm saying) and I don't because I'm scared. I'm scared to be with someone for four years again just to become unhappy. Or for the relationship to become stagnant. I'm just scared and I believe it may be a big reason why I am so drawn to Matt. After all, people in our lives are mirrors of yourself. Matt definitely mirrors me in that aspect.
I don't know. If anyone does read this and has any advice to offer, please do. I would really appreciate it.
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