Speaking of, can I post pics on this bitch? I have some funny pics I take of shit. I would have to edit some, so as to not expose the douche bags. Or just cuteness. Depending. If I were blogging from my phone I bet I could figure it out. My phone is my boyfriend, like whoa.
Anyway. I don't know why I even decided to blog right now. I feel like I have some things to say or I should update on life or something. I guess I'll do that.
About life: I still don't have a jobbb. I'm getting really anxious and depressed. Today I was in an extremely foul mood. I'm still waiting on a call back from the Apex interview I had last week. Apparently no one has heard back yet though, which makes me feel better. I think I said the other day that my little spiritual friend, Cody (I say little bc he's 19) told me that I'm "not looking for the right job, the right job is looking for me". Damn, I love that kid. And I keep trying to keep that in mind. Because he is right. Stressing just makes the situation worse.
I know that it will happen. But damn, I am not used to being so bored. I'm mean, I'm working part time at the Dazz. But if I'm working part time, I'm also used to taking 5 classes and probably also working another job too. JUST working part time is making me crazy. I vary between having all this energy all of the time to wanting to sleep all day because I'm depressed. It's fucking maddening.
On the upside of things, Korey is like, legitimately interested in me. And naturally, I'm being a weirdo spazz about it. Well, kind of. I mean, we've only hung out like, four time. But we haven't kissed. But he talks to me like every day. And tonight he asked when he would get to see me again. So we're hanging out Thursday. And maybe Saturday.
Here's what my crazy mind is thinking: What if he's a bad kisser? Then I can't have sex with him. And then I can't like him O__O
Or what if he's fine and then we go to have sex and he has a weird wiener?! Or is bad? Whyyy am I over thinking it so much?!
Probably because he's a normal, sane, stable, human being capable of taking care of himself so I feel like being a psycho and sabotaging it.
I like how I know exactly what the dilemma is, yet I am somehow incapable (or more unwilling) to change the situation.
Like, analyze this: Why am I so hung up on Matt? Because he's a disaster!! Because I want to "fix" him. Just like every other loser I've dated. Because he goes back and forth between showering me with attention to nothing. But mainly, the fix thing. Something is wrong with you, I want to fix you.
Teal Scott (as well as other spiritual healers/guides) say that you cannot fix someone because that insinuates that something is wrong with them. And in reality, nothing is "wrong" with them. They just may be stuck in the same life lesson because they are not learning correctly from it. And while you can aid them, if they want, ultimately it is up to them to make the change.
With this thought in my head, Chris used to always tell me he "changed for me". This is a negative way to perceive things for a few reasons. For one, why would you do anything for anyone other than yourself? If you don't have children that is. For another, he didn't really do anything. He got a job. Well, welcome to reality, Chris.
Moving on. I say nothing's going on in my life, but really there's a lot going on. It's shifting and changing and I really feel that it's for the better. I mean, it has to be for the better, because that's how the universe works ;) So I'll just keep moving forward.
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