Quickly b/c it's late as hell, as usual.
Today has been fucking awful, but about that later. Lately...well over the past few months tigers have been coming into my life.
First, the lesson "tigers above, tigers below", which will be my next tattoo. Lately the tiger has been more prominent in my life. In dreams, in awake, paintings, pictures, and today, in my text autocorrect, oddly enough.
So I googled. I would say the description is pretty spot on, but does not necessarily give me much comfort. I will work with this.
Here is the link: http://www.spiritanimal.info/spirit-animals/tiger-spirit-animal/
Added quick note on today: Breathe and realize that this experience is the exact experience I should be having. Remember to learn from it and grow from it. Realize the emotions, feel them and release them.
Tuesday, October 30, 2012
Monday, October 29, 2012
Repressed memory realization
Meditation:
I told Shaila earlier that I had never been broken up with. I realized later that wasn't true.
Following dinner I read an article, that I emailed to her. It said our emotions can live in a child like state until we recognize them. It's why people who were abandoned have abandonment issues and victims of molestation have negative feelings towards sex. This article impacted me but I was unsure why or how.
During meditation I had a profound memory. When Scott, who I lost my virginity to at 13, broke up with me, he came over to retrieve his wallet. We made out and I held on hope that he wouldn't really break up with me. He did. I was devastated. Thirteen is entirely way too young to be having sex. I thought I "loved" him.
In this train of thought, the thought I was having that triggered it was thinking about Matt. He asked for his hat and gloves yesterday and I know he'll ask again. I was imagining me giving them to him and him trying to convince me to have sex with him. I guess I felt that same feeling I felt when I was a kid.
Anyway, Scott tried to get back with me after about a year and I said no. He was still with the girl he broke up with me for. I wasn't putting myself back in that situation. Looking back, that was actually smart of me. Maybe I should take a cue from my childhood self.
After that I started sleeping around a lot. Actually, I took pride in taking someone's virginity. I guess because that is how I hurt. I wanted others to hurt? I'm not sure really.
I saw Scott when I was 19. He stayed with that girl until a few months before he saw me, at 19. He apologized to me and said we should be friends. Again, I said no. He had a profound impact on my life and even though I did and do appreciate his apology, I wouldn't be comfortable with that. Also he hugged me and it made me want to puke.
So. That's kind of that situation. Other than that, I've never been broke up with. I always break up with people because I am not happy. I've come to learn it's because I'm not happy with myself. But I am working on it.
Strange how I shoved that memory down so hard, I completely forgot it. Even more strange how the series of events brought it bubbling over.
Naturally, the memory made me cry. Not in a real hurt way. More of an awakening way. It does hurt though, don't get me wrong.
I hope that because I have recognized this feeling and memory that I can move forward. I feel that it was quite the breakthrough.
Saturday, October 27, 2012
internal thoughts
Reminder to self: Am drunk
At this point, I kind of feel like I'm going about things somewhat backward. I had so many conditions and high expectations and I feel like I'm abandoning them so I'm not alone. Again.
..........
Is this my lesson?
It is.
Shit shit shit.
I cannot fail again.
I thought it, Annie said it, Jake said it. I said it, more than once, actually.
I have to learn the lesson, I can't take repeating it again.
I have to learn the lesson, I can't take repeating it again.
Monday, October 22, 2012
I wrote this from my phone, I felt it was important
I think I just learned a spiritual lesson.
http://www.yuni.com/library/docs/631.html
The quote, "People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime" popped into my head. I've had somewhat obsessive thoughts about Korey for some reason lately. Well, I mean, we just stopped talking and naturally I saw him at Red Bar last night while I was with Matt. I felt really negatively toward him, even though Shaila said she felt he was empty (and I kind of sensed that too. Empty or shut out) and pointed out that I clearly care for Matt very much, I still felt fooled and hurt.
Upon reading the quote, and a short story (which I'll post quickly):
People come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. When you figure out which one it is, you will know what to do for each person.
When someone is in your life for a REASON . . . It is usually to meet a need you have expressed. They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally, or spiritually. They may seem like a
godsend, and they are! They are there for the reason you need them to be.
Then, without any wrong doing on your part, or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end.
Sometimes they die.
Sometimes they walk away.
Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand.
What we must realise is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled, their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered. And now it is time to move on.
When people come into your life for a SEASON . . .
Because your turn has come to share, grow, or learn. They bring you an experience of peace, or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it! It is real! But, only for a season.
LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons; things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the
person, and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life. It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.
1999-2011 Yuni Words of Wisdom
After reading that, all I could think was that Korey came into my life when Matt wasn't talking to me. I cared about Matt way more than I thought and was more hurt than I thought. Korey was there to occupy my time/thoughts, even though Matt still invaded my brain. Matt started talking to me again and I kept putting him off bc of what he put me through. But again, just like in the beginning, his persistence got to me. I was still talking to Korey until about a week ago. And I did like him and care about him. I just don't have the same feelings for him that I do for Matt. I have feelings for Matt that I (for once in my life) have no words for and cannot explain.
Matt may also be for a reason, but I have yet to figure that out. I hate to be a stupid girl and say I hop it's not just for a reason, because I don't really want to him to leave my life, even when he actually moves. But I guess I'll have to see.
Matt may also be for a reason, but I have yet to figure that out. I hate to be a stupid girl and say I hop it's not just for a reason, because I don't really want to him to leave my life, even when he actually moves. But I guess I'll have to see.
I'm not sure what else to say because I'm still trying to figure it out. I probably never will though. And I'm ok w that.
I will say Matt and I don't communicate verbally very much. I honestly feel like we don't have to and can express how we feel through our actions to each other. It is so bizarre to me.
And now that I feel like a dumb twat, that is all.
And now that I feel like a dumb twat, that is all.
Wednesday, October 10, 2012
Things about my life
I am hoping that since I changed my name, I am unidentifiable on here. Because I think a lot of things I say would piss people off.
Whatever.
Anyway, I got a job. Actually I got it like, two weeks ago. I've just been tired and busy and lazy. Ok, I kind of take lazy back. Obviously I work normal mon-fri hours, still at the Dazz a few days and I run. So it's hard to find time to do other things. Also, I record about 5 shows that I obsessively watch, which makes even less time.
Blah. Literally, blah.
I guess I wanted to say I got a job. Oh it's at a distribution company. I'm the "receptionist". I make more money than my old job. Figures. It's a great company and I want to get into sales there. Also, beer.
I'm so tired. I can't sleep at night. I am not a 630am waker. I'm not sure I ever will be.
I am still talking to (having sex with?) Matt. Korey, not so much. What is wrong with me? Not my choice really. I would rather be talking to Korey. I saw him for a bit on Saturday. I called him after and we talked on the phone for like, an hour. I kind of explained some things such as, my inability to trust people, my reservations in getting serious, I explained that I wasn't comparing him to Matt or asking Toon who I should really choose, but verifying to Jordan that Korey is way better than Matt. I don't think he believed me.
I've asked him to hang out since then, but he's been pretty unresponsive. Meh. Guess I fucked that up. Makes no sense to me because he talked to me this weekend both days and said we should meet up Saturday. I know he's been having to get up super early lately.
I don't know. It's exhausting trying to understand people. And I know, I know...you can't, let it go, things will work out, etc, etc. I know. It's just so hard to actually do those things. Especially when I want to psychoanalyze everything.
I'm not depressed right now, which is good. But I do feel stuck in a rut. I feel like (...ok let's be real, I am) I'm doing that thing where I need to be talking to/seeing someone to be happy with/verify myself. That's a lot of //// and not nearly enough self love. Damnit. Self love is so hard!!!!!
Also, if I don't move out soon...idk what. I would say I'm going to go crazy, but I won't and I would say I might kill everyone, but I won't. So I'll just be super bitter and pissed off basically.
I suppose I don't have anything else to say. I'm tired. Probably won't sleep until 1 though. Ugh.
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