Repressed memory realization

Meditation:

I told Shaila earlier that I had never been broken up with. I realized later that wasn't true. 

Following dinner I read an article, that I emailed to her. It said our emotions can live in a child like state until we recognize them. It's why people who were abandoned have abandonment issues and victims of molestation have negative feelings towards sex. This article impacted me but I was unsure why or how. 

During meditation I had a profound memory. When Scott, who I lost my virginity to at 13, broke up with me, he came over to retrieve his wallet. We made out and I held on hope that he wouldn't really break up with me. He did. I was devastated. Thirteen is entirely way too young to be having sex. I thought I "loved" him. 

In this train of thought, the thought I was having that triggered it was thinking about Matt. He asked for his hat and gloves yesterday and I know he'll ask again. I was imagining me giving them to him and him trying to convince me to have sex with him. I guess I felt that same feeling I felt when I was a kid. 

Anyway, Scott tried to get back with me after about a year and I said no. He was still with the girl he broke up with me for. I wasn't putting myself back in that situation. Looking back, that was actually smart of me. Maybe I should take a cue from my childhood self. 

After that I started sleeping around a lot. Actually, I took pride in taking someone's virginity. I guess because that is how I hurt. I wanted others to hurt? I'm not sure really. 

I saw Scott when I was 19. He stayed with that girl until a few months before he saw me, at 19. He apologized to me and said we should be friends. Again, I said no. He had a profound impact on my life and even though I did and do appreciate his apology, I wouldn't be comfortable with that. Also he hugged me and it made me want to puke. 

So. That's kind of that situation. Other than that, I've never been broke up with. I always break up with people because I am not happy. I've come to learn it's because I'm not happy with myself. But I am working on it. 

Strange how I shoved that memory down so hard, I completely forgot it. Even more strange how the series of events brought it bubbling over. 

Naturally, the memory made me cry. Not in a real hurt way. More of an awakening way. It does hurt though, don't get me wrong. 

I hope that because I have recognized this feeling and memory that I can move forward. I feel that it was quite the breakthrough.