I am such a disaster.
So Friday Matt text me. I ignored him for awhile. Then text him back. THEN WENT AND HAD SEX WITH HIM. Fail, Brittni, fail. Thennn I whined to him about it today. He told me to stop being such a girl. And he's right. What a fucker.
Aside from that, last night. I don't know what happened last night, but something between coming home from the Loading Dock and going to Friday's...shit got crazy. Korey...ohhh I have to talk about Korey...anyway he came up to Friday's. There was a fight...Toon got arrested. I blacked out hard. I guess we left Friday's and went to Red Bar. I don't remember. Korey said he thought I left and Matt Dill said he thought I was in the bathroom. They picked the lock and I was passed out and didn't even have my pants up! WTF.
Korey tried to take me home, went to my old house lol. I threw up about a million times, I guess. I don't remember. He ponyed my hair with one of those stretchy arm band things. I woke up on his living room floor. Right now it's almost 1am and I could easily throw up. I have bruises EVERYWHERE. My knees are scraped.
I text Korey and told him I was sorry he had to babysit me. He said it was ok because he likes me :-D lol which is ridic because...well for obvious reasons.
So I haven't mentioned him before now and I'll tell you how that came about. I creeped his Twitter and messaged him lol. We met the next day, we know a lot of the same people. I didn't talk to him for a few days and I won Sublime tickets, went to go pick up them and he was working there. He works for the point. It was weird and I thought, "Synchronicity! I should probably talk to him". So I have been. He's nice.
SO there's that, I'm a mess andddd welcome to my life. Oh, and I have an interview tomorrow that I'm really excited about. Yay!
Sunday, August 26, 2012
Thursday, August 23, 2012
Ughhh
Today is bad. Bad, bad, bad. Everyone, including myself, is driving me fucking crazy. It's been two weeks since I lost my job and I feel like I'm stuck at a dead end. This is probably all going to be one, long, insane paragraph. Two week isn't long, I know. But I feel like I keep looking at the same shit over and over. Doing the same fucking thing. All I want is a job and all I'm attracting is guys who WON'T LEAVE ME ALONE. I go from needing attention to hating every person that is talking to me. Chris won't leave me alone. He keeps asking me to come over and I don't understand why. I just had a breakdown b/c Lance (Ashley's cousin) wants me to go to the lake with him and I just don't want to. And he's not taking no for an answer. And I am trying my hardest to be nice and instead I just threw my phone across the room because I was about to tell him to leave me the fuck alone. I AM TRYING TO DEAL WITH THIS MYSELF. I don't want to leave here, I don't want you to console me, I want to be fucking left alone. I went to Adam's last night and it was the weirdest thing ever. First he talked about Matt a lot. Then he kept making out with me. Then he was telling me he was mean to me when I was with Matt because he liked me. And idk how I feel about anything other than I feel like my sanity is slipping away. Even though I try not to creep on Matt anymore, he's still invading my brain and I keep having dreams about him. I know I am trying so hard to attract a job that I am deflecting jobs and apparently attracting...guys...relationships? Insanity? I don't fucking know really. I haven't been sleeping well. I haven't been eating hardly anything. I have been working out for like, two hours a day to fill my time and attempt to quiet my mind. I have been losing weight, which is literally, the only upside to anything. Downside is that it's not in a healthy way at all, but I can't really help it because I need to be doing something, I'm never hungry and I feel as if I might lash out at any second and shank someone. Also, when I was running earlier, I stopped and gagged several times, which is something I've never done. And oh my god, I just feel like I'm fucking losing it. Cody told me to think of it as, "I'm not trying to find the perfect job, the perfect job is trying to find me". And I agree with him. Totally actually. Now if I could just rewire my brain. And that's all I have to say right now. I feel like I can kind of breathe again, and I've stopped crying. Two points for me.
Wednesday, August 15, 2012
So about that
I know that this blog is like, open to the public or whatever. I post it a few (very few) places. I have almost 900 views. And one follower. Maybe people without blogs view it? I don't know. I find it odd though.
I feel a lot better right now than I did last night and today. I applied places today and spoke to some job recruiters on the phone. But I was like, soooo not in life. I tried to work out. I ended up crying.
I have been applying to places EVERYWHERE. Fucking Alaska. Why not? I have nothing keeping me here. Other than connections, and I obviously have more connections here than I do anywhere else. I'm actually pretty bad ass at networking, I'm not going to lie.
I actually have an interview tomorrow. I sent a text to someone I know from one of the charities I do stuff for. Literally, out of desperation. I had no idea that her family owned the company. In like, two minutes she asked if I could come in tomorrow. I was like, wtf?! But then my mom told me about her family and I was like, oooohhh. I feel as if I should tell her I didn't know that. I literally was just desperate. But their company is super legit and I'm really excited.
This is another (kind of) insanity thing, which thankfully, according to Errity is normal, BUT I felt today as if I was fucking going to lose it if I had to sit around feeling useless/worthless one more day. I cannot sit still for that long. And yeah, I could find an activity or Pinterest some shit or something, BUTTTT I feel as if I need to dedicate 100% of my day to job searching. Which I basically do. But even when I work out I feel like I'm wasting valuable time. It's like an obsession. My brain is clearly focused on obsession currently.
I had a Jaycee meeting tonight and Joe was like, "You've had some pretty shitty things happen to you lately". Yes Joe, thank you. I was unaware. I saw John on Saturday and had completely forgotten because I was so drunk. He recounted some conversations for me that I didn't remember. Those guys are nice and fun, but damn. That shit is rough. I can't drink that much or be that crude, and that's saying a lot coming from me. They drink like, every day. And then they're hungover and they do it again. And they're like, 7-8 years older than I am. My body hurt from this weekend until like, Tuesday.
Oh, so I mentioned people talking to me that I should like but am not really sure if I do. Well first off, Chris keeps talking to me/wanting me to come over and I just can't. And I cannot for the life of me figure out why he would want me to. I don't hate him or dislike him or feel anything negative towards him. But what purpose would my coming over serve? On my end, I wouldn't be lonely. But from his perspective? I don't want to be with him, I don't want him to think I want to be with him and I don't want to hurt his feelings. I just don't get it.
Anyway, people. Guys. I always say people because I speak gender neutrally and sometimes I think people think I might be bisexual or something and I'm actually not. That was off the wall buttttanywayyyy, guys. One particular person who has been talking to me and is very persistent is Matt's friend Adam. I say that like I know him through Matt, which I do not, I've also known him since jr. high and actually he was my 1st jr. high boyfriend lol. But I got reacquainted with him through Matt. And maybe stayed the night with him Friday. But did not have sex with him.
He is good. But again, I am hesitant for several reasons. One, I don't know if I am really attracted to him. I mean, I think I am actually. But two, I'm resistant because he's a normal human being, owns a house, has a real job and might want to be serious with me in the future. And that shit is scary.
PARADOX OF HUMAN LIFE.
Or just mine.
Or I'm an idiot.
That's all I have to say about that, Forrest.
So I'm almost done, but I have one more thing to add. That is also weird. Everything I say is though...
I bought a crystal from The Atlantis King...who is really Tyler Saunders. Anyway, that Australian can just have me anytime. Ugh. So I bought this thing from him, it's pretty sweet. I had it in my bed for awhile and just remembered it last night because I was feeling needy and wanted to channel my negative energy into something. So I put it back in my bed and googled it's healing properties just to see what it said. This is where synchronicities come in (also my computer doesn't recognize the word synchronicities, dumb). Here's what it said:
Well fancy that! Let's compare: I need (mental) stability in my life like what. I could absolutely use success, prosperity and business, please please not fertility though lol. I could use some intuition (couldn't we all?). I have lung problems (I get bronchitis on the reg) joint pain, and sinus problems. I wouldn't say I have a compulsive disorder, but my thoughts are becoming so. And I very much need some emotional and mental healing.
SO WITH THAT SAID (yes, yelling), I clearly picked the right crystal. Or should I say, it picked me?
It's going to the interview with me, in my pocket and can be found within my proximity at all times. Because even if it's all bullshit, if it makes you feel good, why not?
Eh? Eh? Latergaterz.
I feel a lot better right now than I did last night and today. I applied places today and spoke to some job recruiters on the phone. But I was like, soooo not in life. I tried to work out. I ended up crying.
I have been applying to places EVERYWHERE. Fucking Alaska. Why not? I have nothing keeping me here. Other than connections, and I obviously have more connections here than I do anywhere else. I'm actually pretty bad ass at networking, I'm not going to lie.
I actually have an interview tomorrow. I sent a text to someone I know from one of the charities I do stuff for. Literally, out of desperation. I had no idea that her family owned the company. In like, two minutes she asked if I could come in tomorrow. I was like, wtf?! But then my mom told me about her family and I was like, oooohhh. I feel as if I should tell her I didn't know that. I literally was just desperate. But their company is super legit and I'm really excited.
This is another (kind of) insanity thing, which thankfully, according to Errity is normal, BUT I felt today as if I was fucking going to lose it if I had to sit around feeling useless/worthless one more day. I cannot sit still for that long. And yeah, I could find an activity or Pinterest some shit or something, BUTTTT I feel as if I need to dedicate 100% of my day to job searching. Which I basically do. But even when I work out I feel like I'm wasting valuable time. It's like an obsession. My brain is clearly focused on obsession currently.
I had a Jaycee meeting tonight and Joe was like, "You've had some pretty shitty things happen to you lately". Yes Joe, thank you. I was unaware. I saw John on Saturday and had completely forgotten because I was so drunk. He recounted some conversations for me that I didn't remember. Those guys are nice and fun, but damn. That shit is rough. I can't drink that much or be that crude, and that's saying a lot coming from me. They drink like, every day. And then they're hungover and they do it again. And they're like, 7-8 years older than I am. My body hurt from this weekend until like, Tuesday.
Oh, so I mentioned people talking to me that I should like but am not really sure if I do. Well first off, Chris keeps talking to me/wanting me to come over and I just can't. And I cannot for the life of me figure out why he would want me to. I don't hate him or dislike him or feel anything negative towards him. But what purpose would my coming over serve? On my end, I wouldn't be lonely. But from his perspective? I don't want to be with him, I don't want him to think I want to be with him and I don't want to hurt his feelings. I just don't get it.
Anyway, people. Guys. I always say people because I speak gender neutrally and sometimes I think people think I might be bisexual or something and I'm actually not. That was off the wall buttttanywayyyy, guys. One particular person who has been talking to me and is very persistent is Matt's friend Adam. I say that like I know him through Matt, which I do not, I've also known him since jr. high and actually he was my 1st jr. high boyfriend lol. But I got reacquainted with him through Matt. And maybe stayed the night with him Friday. But did not have sex with him.
He is good. But again, I am hesitant for several reasons. One, I don't know if I am really attracted to him. I mean, I think I am actually. But two, I'm resistant because he's a normal human being, owns a house, has a real job and might want to be serious with me in the future. And that shit is scary.
PARADOX OF HUMAN LIFE.
Or just mine.
Or I'm an idiot.
That's all I have to say about that, Forrest.
So I'm almost done, but I have one more thing to add. That is also weird. Everything I say is though...
I bought a crystal from The Atlantis King...who is really Tyler Saunders. Anyway, that Australian can just have me anytime. Ugh. So I bought this thing from him, it's pretty sweet. I had it in my bed for awhile and just remembered it last night because I was feeling needy and wanted to channel my negative energy into something. So I put it back in my bed and googled it's healing properties just to see what it said. This is where synchronicities come in (also my computer doesn't recognize the word synchronicities, dumb). Here's what it said:
Keywords: Increase
Green calcite is a grounding and centering stone that brings stability. It increases success, prosperity, business, and fertility of all kinds. It is an excellent stone for gardening. It is also considered a stone of manifestation because of it's ability to develop increase in all areas.
Green calcite is said to enhance intuition and psychic abilities.
In the physical realm, green calcite benefits the heart, thymus, chest, shoulders, and lower lungs, heartburn, nervous tics, stammering, neurosis, arthritis and joint pain, kidney, bladder, general pain. Green calcite is also especially beneficial for healing tumors and other malignancies. It is particularly helpful with infections of the lungs, throat and sinuses. It is also used to balance and heal the endocrine system. Green calcite is also helpful for overcoming addictions and compulsive disorders. As with all calcites, green calcite is good for general health and healing, especially emotional and mental issues.
Green calcite is associated with the heart chakra.
SO WITH THAT SAID (yes, yelling), I clearly picked the right crystal. Or should I say, it picked me?
It's going to the interview with me, in my pocket and can be found within my proximity at all times. Because even if it's all bullshit, if it makes you feel good, why not?
Eh? Eh? Latergaterz.
Tuesday, August 14, 2012
OMG help my brain
Once again, I feel like I am completely losing my mind. I am having the most insane, obsessive thoughts. Not about life, lack of job, future, but about a person. Of all fucking things.
I need some way to organize this and cannot even think where to start. I guess that I'll start with the person. The person is nothing but negative for me. I knew that in the beginning (if you read this, you know who I'm talking about). He has a lame job (not that I have a job...), two DUIs, has never had a serious girlfriend (am I the only one that sees that as being odd? He's 26, isn't that odd?), is rude as fuck, has double standards for women and called one of my really good friends a cunt. Oh, know why he called her a cunt? He said she was a slutty cunt. This coming from the kid who tweets at porn stars and follows them on Instagram. WHAT THE FUCK.
What the fuck is wrong with my brain?! He stopped talking to me, and I was like, whatever fuck ever, winner. I know, this is some insane self love problem I should love myself enough to not care. Right? That is fucking hard and don't tell me it's not.
Before I get into my current relationship with other men, let me briefly review this one. So when he started talking to me, I was like, fuckkkk that. He's kind of attractive and kind of funny. But funny like, you can never tell if he's serious or not. So I ended up hanging out with him, then having sex with him, then liking him. He was very very persistent. Saying really nice things, texting me good morning/goodnight, etc. I finally gave in and decided I liked him and he shut off emotionally, completely. This was like, a few months ago. But I continued to talk to him.
Why? I don't know. This is where things go wrong. My obsessive thoughts don't really come from caring about him. He is not what I want in my life, in a guy, in anything really. I mean, his friends complain about him to me. I just don't know for sure.
Ever since Chris and I have broken up I've been both lonely and resistant. Talking with dummy was a great way to deflect other guys. Guys that have things going for them, but that I am, for some reason, not interested in. And even if I was interested in them, I think I would be scared. Why?!
Chris didn't do anything wrong to me. I feel insanely shallow. I was attracted to Chris, but he is not overly attractive. I feel like I want to be with a guy who is really attractive, I'm attracted to him and his life isn't a disaster (because for some reason, a lot of guys seem to be a disaster).
I keep shutting out numerous guys because I don't feel they are attractive enough. Which is insane, because when I started talking to dumbass, I didn't think he was very attractive at all. I thought he was a dumbass douchebag. And, uh, I clearly was right. I should have went with my first instinct.
So...what is wrong with my head? What is this blockage towards others? Why am I having obsessive thoughts about someone so negative toward me? More importantly, why I am trying to change my life, love myself and become more level headed and positive and I feel as if I keep getting shit on daily?!
At this point, I would almost go back on meds to level/zone myself out. I would be up for counseling too. But now, I don't have insurance.
I know, I know. I am being forced to work through this by myself. I get that, I see that. I am ok with that. But I have been trying and I feel like I'm not only getting nowhere, but I am going backwards.
I need some way to organize this and cannot even think where to start. I guess that I'll start with the person. The person is nothing but negative for me. I knew that in the beginning (if you read this, you know who I'm talking about). He has a lame job (not that I have a job...), two DUIs, has never had a serious girlfriend (am I the only one that sees that as being odd? He's 26, isn't that odd?), is rude as fuck, has double standards for women and called one of my really good friends a cunt. Oh, know why he called her a cunt? He said she was a slutty cunt. This coming from the kid who tweets at porn stars and follows them on Instagram. WHAT THE FUCK.
What the fuck is wrong with my brain?! He stopped talking to me, and I was like, whatever fuck ever, winner. I know, this is some insane self love problem I should love myself enough to not care. Right? That is fucking hard and don't tell me it's not.
Before I get into my current relationship with other men, let me briefly review this one. So when he started talking to me, I was like, fuckkkk that. He's kind of attractive and kind of funny. But funny like, you can never tell if he's serious or not. So I ended up hanging out with him, then having sex with him, then liking him. He was very very persistent. Saying really nice things, texting me good morning/goodnight, etc. I finally gave in and decided I liked him and he shut off emotionally, completely. This was like, a few months ago. But I continued to talk to him.
Why? I don't know. This is where things go wrong. My obsessive thoughts don't really come from caring about him. He is not what I want in my life, in a guy, in anything really. I mean, his friends complain about him to me. I just don't know for sure.
Ever since Chris and I have broken up I've been both lonely and resistant. Talking with dummy was a great way to deflect other guys. Guys that have things going for them, but that I am, for some reason, not interested in. And even if I was interested in them, I think I would be scared. Why?!
Chris didn't do anything wrong to me. I feel insanely shallow. I was attracted to Chris, but he is not overly attractive. I feel like I want to be with a guy who is really attractive, I'm attracted to him and his life isn't a disaster (because for some reason, a lot of guys seem to be a disaster).
I keep shutting out numerous guys because I don't feel they are attractive enough. Which is insane, because when I started talking to dumbass, I didn't think he was very attractive at all. I thought he was a dumbass douchebag. And, uh, I clearly was right. I should have went with my first instinct.
So...what is wrong with my head? What is this blockage towards others? Why am I having obsessive thoughts about someone so negative toward me? More importantly, why I am trying to change my life, love myself and become more level headed and positive and I feel as if I keep getting shit on daily?!
At this point, I would almost go back on meds to level/zone myself out. I would be up for counseling too. But now, I don't have insurance.
I know, I know. I am being forced to work through this by myself. I get that, I see that. I am ok with that. But I have been trying and I feel like I'm not only getting nowhere, but I am going backwards.
Thursday, August 9, 2012
This shitshow of life
So. To coattail on my miserable last post, I got fired from my job. Guess what for? OH, that's right...Twitter. My Twitter account wasn't protected...uhhhhhhh
As Marilyn Monroe said, "I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they're right, you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together". Well said Marilyn, well said.
Anyway.
I am, oddly enough, OK with this new life development. I really enjoyed working there. But hind sight is 20/20 and I could have seen myself getting suck there. Also, my boss (who I live in the same town as and we know several of the same people) has already deleted me from Facebook. For some reason, that bothers me and I find it extremely shitty.
Either way, it happened yesterday and as soon as I left I was hysterical and insane. I went to Sundazzlers and cried to Shaila. I love her so much. I knew she had to be the first person I talked to because she is spiritual and always, always says things to sooth me. Which happened. I stayed there for like, 3 hours. And then went home.
When I got home I pretty much ate, showered and left. Went to main to get shitty and to spend money I no longer have. It was successful on both accounts. I do commend myself for making the decision to not sleep with the guy who wanted me to stay over. I...uncommend myself for driving home because I definitely shouldn't have done that. I couldn't even unlock my front door and then I woke up and didn't know where I was. Which is sad, because I was in my bed.
I still woke up (disappointingly) alive and bitter. I am not quite sure what to do with myself. Yes yes, I know, job hunt. Duh, mother fucker. I redid my resume. Sent me resume to about a billion places, only a small percentage I actually qualify for. I harassed my Facebook friends, real friends and family members to assist me. The response I've gotten is both heart warming and gives me great hope. Not just hope for me, but for humanity really.
I actually feel pretty good. Aside from the stress I feel from the possibility of not being able to pay my bills. But they will get paid. I do kind of feel...freed. And enlightened.
I deleted my Twitter account, which makes me SO SAD. But I feel as if I was relying somewhat heavily on it to attach further to my ego. It is one thing to recognize ego, it is another to find things to attach to it.
You know what does bother me? I really liked everyone I worked with. I can't say I don't like them now, but I can say that it is really disheartening to me that no one has contacted me. I went to high school with one of the girls that works there. It makes me sad she wouldn't say anything to me.
Another thing that bothers me is that my parents keep pressuring me to do something about it. Like, what? What should I do? Yeah, I could probably hire a lawyer. Obviously whatever I say is within my 1st amendment right, if that even exists anymore. Even if I did, where is that going to get me? My job back? Fuck that. Money? Fuck that too. I just want to move on. Lesson learned.
My big mouth is not a lesson I learn easily. It has gotten me into trouble...for as long as I can remember. I have always been told to "think before I speak" and I have never listened to it. And you know what? I don't particularly care. My only regret is that my account wasn't protected.
This keeps popping into my head: The other day I tweeted (duh) something to the affect of "The rug gets pulled from underneath you for a reason; that reason is so you can stand on solid ground". I believe that, but if only I could have known how much better that statement would make me feel in a week.
I have talked to Ashley. I called her yesterday, crying. She was supportive and nice. Still distant; I haven't heard from her today. And really, she knows how "I am" and I am surprised that she hasn't called or text to check on my mental status. It's ok though, because I am doing ok.
First my "time alone" was driving me crazy. I am still not very good alone, I will admit. I am just a social person. But I was mourning the fight with Ash; the...uh...whatever with Matt. Now something real happened that I could (and many/most people would) feel worse about. And I somehow feel better.
I would say, what else can go wrong? But things can always go wrong, just as they can always go right. In fact, there is no always.
I am thankful for my health. Currently I am extremely thankful for my found sanity, and for friends who have come out of the woodwork to support me. I am thankful for my family and friends, and their health. I am thankful to be alive. And I am thankful for this learning opportunity.
Wednesday, August 8, 2012
Avoidance
So I've been avoiding talking about this because I didn't want to deal with the emotions. Lately, I have been handling myself well and not going over the edge, but I feel like absolute shit. I am unhappy and I feel alone.
This all started at the beginning of July. As I said before, it always seems to be a hard time for me, for some reason. The add in shit with Chris and Matt, it just wasn't going well.
The week of the 15th, I wasn't feeling emotionally well. I was fighting with Chris about the stupid phone and money and Matt was being a fuck. I told Ashley I wasn't sure whether or not I was going to go on the float trip, which was the 20th. Come Friday, I felt good enough to go, so I did.
I don't want to go into detail about what happened, but basically Ashley put me in a situation I wasn't comfortable in. Saturday morning, I decided to leave and didn't go on the float. I was pretty pissed at her, and text her, telling her how I felt. Her response on Sunday was that I was overreacting and "if that really happened", she was sorry...
God this is making me emotional already.
So anyway, I got pissed because that's the least satisfactory response I've ever received from anyone, let alone my best friend of 17 years. We fought about it off and on for a few days. Why there was a fight, I still can't understand. After about a week...or two, shit I can't even remember...I said, whatever, I give in. She was in town and didn't let me know or speak to me, and I was tired of it. I asked her what was up and she said she didn't know what to say to me or how to act around me.
WHAT?! Why?!
We went back and forth and she said she felt like I had a problem with her previous to the float (?!). I told her I've been going through a lot of emotions lately and it had nothing to do with her. I told her we should go to dinner and talk it out. She said that was fine, but we still haven't done that. I've given her my available days. I haven't heard anything. And I literally cannot wramp my head around what is going on. I feel like I'm losing the most reliable person in my life and it fucking kills me.
Then, at the same time, Matt has stopped talking to me. Which, I expected him to do all along. But I can't fucking let it go. Nor can I figure out why I even care. He lives at home (not that I don't), has a DUI and no license, works at a golf store, hits on pornstars, ignores me unless it's convenient for him, like really?
I have thought that some of the problem is...I don't know how to describe it. I don't want what I had with Chris. I don't want someone to be up my ass, which is clearly wasn't. But also, I do need more. I mean, friends don't even treat each other like that. It made no sense how he acted towards me. Not this past weekend, but the one before, he begged me to come to this beer thing he was at. That was the last time I hung out with him. How are you going to beg me to do something and then not talk to me again?! I don't fucking get it.
I asked him Friday if he was done and he didn't respond. And either way, I still want to ask him what the fuck, but I know he either won't respond, which will just piss me off for even asking, or he'll give me some lame, unsatisfactory answer, which will also piss me off. I have meditated on the situation and just can't seem to let it go.
I feel as if there is some underlying problem, connecting these two issues that I am just not understanding. In fact, Ashley's act quite a bit like Matt by not talking to me. I really, really feel as if they're connected. I've meditated on it. I can't figure it out. It's both killing me and driving me insane.
I thought writing it out would help. It's not. It's just making me emotionally wreck-y.
This all started at the beginning of July. As I said before, it always seems to be a hard time for me, for some reason. The add in shit with Chris and Matt, it just wasn't going well.
The week of the 15th, I wasn't feeling emotionally well. I was fighting with Chris about the stupid phone and money and Matt was being a fuck. I told Ashley I wasn't sure whether or not I was going to go on the float trip, which was the 20th. Come Friday, I felt good enough to go, so I did.
I don't want to go into detail about what happened, but basically Ashley put me in a situation I wasn't comfortable in. Saturday morning, I decided to leave and didn't go on the float. I was pretty pissed at her, and text her, telling her how I felt. Her response on Sunday was that I was overreacting and "if that really happened", she was sorry...
God this is making me emotional already.
So anyway, I got pissed because that's the least satisfactory response I've ever received from anyone, let alone my best friend of 17 years. We fought about it off and on for a few days. Why there was a fight, I still can't understand. After about a week...or two, shit I can't even remember...I said, whatever, I give in. She was in town and didn't let me know or speak to me, and I was tired of it. I asked her what was up and she said she didn't know what to say to me or how to act around me.
WHAT?! Why?!
We went back and forth and she said she felt like I had a problem with her previous to the float (?!). I told her I've been going through a lot of emotions lately and it had nothing to do with her. I told her we should go to dinner and talk it out. She said that was fine, but we still haven't done that. I've given her my available days. I haven't heard anything. And I literally cannot wramp my head around what is going on. I feel like I'm losing the most reliable person in my life and it fucking kills me.
Then, at the same time, Matt has stopped talking to me. Which, I expected him to do all along. But I can't fucking let it go. Nor can I figure out why I even care. He lives at home (not that I don't), has a DUI and no license, works at a golf store, hits on pornstars, ignores me unless it's convenient for him, like really?
I have thought that some of the problem is...I don't know how to describe it. I don't want what I had with Chris. I don't want someone to be up my ass, which is clearly wasn't. But also, I do need more. I mean, friends don't even treat each other like that. It made no sense how he acted towards me. Not this past weekend, but the one before, he begged me to come to this beer thing he was at. That was the last time I hung out with him. How are you going to beg me to do something and then not talk to me again?! I don't fucking get it.
I asked him Friday if he was done and he didn't respond. And either way, I still want to ask him what the fuck, but I know he either won't respond, which will just piss me off for even asking, or he'll give me some lame, unsatisfactory answer, which will also piss me off. I have meditated on the situation and just can't seem to let it go.
I feel as if there is some underlying problem, connecting these two issues that I am just not understanding. In fact, Ashley's act quite a bit like Matt by not talking to me. I really, really feel as if they're connected. I've meditated on it. I can't figure it out. It's both killing me and driving me insane.
I thought writing it out would help. It's not. It's just making me emotionally wreck-y.
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