Avoidance

So I've been avoiding talking about this because I didn't want to deal with the emotions.  Lately, I have been handling myself well and not going over the edge, but I feel like absolute shit.  I am unhappy and I feel alone.

This all started at the beginning of July.  As I said before, it always seems to be a hard time for me, for some reason.   The add in shit with Chris and Matt, it just wasn't going well.

The week of the 15th, I wasn't feeling emotionally well.  I was fighting with Chris about the stupid phone and money and Matt was being a fuck.  I told Ashley I wasn't sure whether or not I was going to go on the float trip, which was the 20th.  Come Friday, I felt good enough to go, so I did.

I don't want to go into detail about what happened, but basically Ashley put me in a situation I wasn't comfortable in.  Saturday morning, I decided to leave and didn't go on the float.  I was pretty pissed at her, and text her, telling her how I felt.  Her response on Sunday was that I was overreacting and "if that really happened", she was sorry...

God this is making me emotional already.

So anyway, I got pissed because that's the least satisfactory response I've ever received from anyone, let alone my best friend of 17 years.  We fought about it off and on for a few days.  Why there was a fight, I still can't understand.  After about a week...or two, shit I can't even remember...I said, whatever, I give in.  She was in town and didn't let me know or speak to me, and I was tired of it.  I asked her what was up and she said she didn't know what to say to me or how to act around me.

WHAT?! Why?!  

We went back and forth and she said she felt like I had a problem with her previous to the float (?!).  I told her I've been going through a lot of emotions lately and it had nothing to do with her.  I told her we should go to dinner and talk it out.  She said that was fine, but we still haven't done that.  I've given her my available days.  I haven't heard anything.  And I literally cannot wramp my head around what is going on.  I feel like I'm losing the most reliable person in my life and it fucking kills me.

Then, at the same time, Matt has stopped talking to me.  Which, I expected him to do all along.  But I can't fucking let it go.  Nor can I figure out why I even care.  He lives at home (not that I don't), has a DUI and no license, works at a golf store, hits on pornstars, ignores me unless it's convenient for him, like really?

I have thought that some of the problem is...I don't know how to describe it.  I don't want what I had with Chris.  I don't want someone to be up my ass, which is clearly wasn't.  But also, I do need more.  I mean, friends don't even treat each other like that.  It made no sense how he acted towards me.  Not this past weekend, but the one before, he begged me to come to this beer thing he was at.  That was the last time I hung out with him.  How are you going to beg me to do something and then not talk to me again?!  I don't fucking get it.

I asked him Friday if he was done and he didn't respond.  And either way, I still want to ask him what the fuck, but I know he either won't respond, which will just piss me off for even asking, or he'll give me some lame, unsatisfactory answer, which will also piss me off.  I have meditated on the situation and just can't seem to let it go.

I feel as if there is some underlying problem, connecting these two issues that I am just not understanding.  In fact, Ashley's act quite a bit like Matt by not talking to me.  I really, really feel as if they're connected.  I've meditated on it.  I can't figure it out.  It's both killing me and driving me insane.

I thought writing it out would help.  It's not.  It's just making me emotionally wreck-y.