Ughhh

Today is bad.  Bad, bad, bad.  Everyone, including myself, is driving me fucking crazy.  It's been two weeks since I lost my job and I feel like I'm stuck at a dead end.  This is probably all going to be one, long, insane paragraph.  Two week isn't long, I know.  But I feel like I keep looking at the same shit over and over.  Doing the same fucking thing.  All I want is a job and all I'm attracting is guys who WON'T LEAVE ME ALONE.  I go from needing attention to hating every person that is talking to me.  Chris won't leave me alone.  He keeps asking me to come over and I don't understand why.  I just had a breakdown b/c Lance (Ashley's cousin) wants me to go to the lake with him and I just don't want to.  And he's not taking no for an answer.  And I am trying my hardest to be nice and instead I just threw my phone across the room because I was about to tell him to leave me the fuck alone.  I AM TRYING TO DEAL WITH THIS MYSELF.  I don't want to leave here, I don't want you to console me, I want to be fucking left alone.  I went to Adam's last night and it was the weirdest thing ever.  First he talked about Matt a lot.  Then he kept making out with me.  Then he was telling me he was mean to me when I was with Matt because he liked me.  And idk how I feel about anything other than I feel like my sanity is slipping away.  Even though I try not to creep on Matt anymore, he's still invading my brain and I keep having dreams about him.  I know I am trying so hard to attract a job that I am deflecting jobs and apparently attracting...guys...relationships?  Insanity? I don't fucking know really.  I haven't been sleeping well.  I haven't been eating hardly anything.  I have been working out for like, two hours a day to fill my time and attempt to quiet my mind.  I have been losing weight, which is literally, the only upside to anything.  Downside is that it's not in a healthy way at all, but I can't really help it because I need to be doing something, I'm never hungry and I feel as if I might lash out at any second and shank someone.  Also, when I was running earlier, I stopped and gagged several times, which is something I've never done.  And oh my god, I just feel like I'm fucking losing it.  Cody told me to think of it as, "I'm not trying to find the perfect job, the perfect job is trying to find me".  And I agree with him.  Totally actually.  Now if I could just rewire my brain.  And that's all I have to say right now.  I feel like I can kind of breathe again, and I've stopped crying.  Two points for me.