Once again, I feel like I am completely losing my mind. I am having the most insane, obsessive thoughts. Not about life, lack of job, future, but about a person. Of all fucking things.
I need some way to organize this and cannot even think where to start. I guess that I'll start with the person. The person is nothing but negative for me. I knew that in the beginning (if you read this, you know who I'm talking about). He has a lame job (not that I have a job...), two DUIs, has never had a serious girlfriend (am I the only one that sees that as being odd? He's 26, isn't that odd?), is rude as fuck, has double standards for women and called one of my really good friends a cunt. Oh, know why he called her a cunt? He said she was a slutty cunt. This coming from the kid who tweets at porn stars and follows them on Instagram. WHAT THE FUCK.
What the fuck is wrong with my brain?! He stopped talking to me, and I was like, whatever fuck ever, winner. I know, this is some insane self love problem I should love myself enough to not care. Right? That is fucking hard and don't tell me it's not.
Before I get into my current relationship with other men, let me briefly review this one. So when he started talking to me, I was like, fuckkkk that. He's kind of attractive and kind of funny. But funny like, you can never tell if he's serious or not. So I ended up hanging out with him, then having sex with him, then liking him. He was very very persistent. Saying really nice things, texting me good morning/goodnight, etc. I finally gave in and decided I liked him and he shut off emotionally, completely. This was like, a few months ago. But I continued to talk to him.
Why? I don't know. This is where things go wrong. My obsessive thoughts don't really come from caring about him. He is not what I want in my life, in a guy, in anything really. I mean, his friends complain about him to me. I just don't know for sure.
Ever since Chris and I have broken up I've been both lonely and resistant. Talking with dummy was a great way to deflect other guys. Guys that have things going for them, but that I am, for some reason, not interested in. And even if I was interested in them, I think I would be scared. Why?!
Chris didn't do anything wrong to me. I feel insanely shallow. I was attracted to Chris, but he is not overly attractive. I feel like I want to be with a guy who is really attractive, I'm attracted to him and his life isn't a disaster (because for some reason, a lot of guys seem to be a disaster).
I keep shutting out numerous guys because I don't feel they are attractive enough. Which is insane, because when I started talking to dumbass, I didn't think he was very attractive at all. I thought he was a dumbass douchebag. And, uh, I clearly was right. I should have went with my first instinct.
So...what is wrong with my head? What is this blockage towards others? Why am I having obsessive thoughts about someone so negative toward me? More importantly, why I am trying to change my life, love myself and become more level headed and positive and I feel as if I keep getting shit on daily?!
At this point, I would almost go back on meds to level/zone myself out. I would be up for counseling too. But now, I don't have insurance.
I know, I know. I am being forced to work through this by myself. I get that, I see that. I am ok with that. But I have been trying and I feel like I'm not only getting nowhere, but I am going backwards.
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