So I've been browsing Pinterest. If you're ever on the verge of suicide, check out Pinterest and it's sure to drive you over the edge. All the bitches with 12 pack abs Pinned in "fitness" by people who will never look like that. Shut the fuck up. It literally kills me. Also all the engagement/wedding/baby photos. It's so fucking depressing. Along with all the quotes "Every girl wants a guy who will tell her she's beautiful without makeup" and blah blahh.
The thing is, I had that. That last thing, that is. Chris was so nice and complimenting. He would tell me I was beautiful without makeup, or right after I woke up in the morning. He always loved me, we rarely fought and I knew I could count on him if I needed anything. But he lied to me about his finances. Then one time, he supposedly thought I was cheating on him, he started emailing girls (I really think that's when our relationship took a turn for the worst). And finally, he couldn't take care of himself.
Since we've broken up all he's done is dig himself a hole. When we broke up I thought, "If he get himself together and proves to me he doesn't need me, I might get back together with him". Obviously that won't ever, ever be happening. Well, I mean, I hope he gets himself together. He's going to be 28 this year. That's insane to me. We got together when he was 23. Jeez. The anomaly of people is mind blowing.
Regardless, I see all these bitches (I'm sorry to be a female and use that term, but sometimes it's appropriate) who "just want a guy to tell her she's beautiful" or what the fuck ever, and it's like, no. No, that is not all you want. Raise your standards.
Over the past few weeks I've been realizing more and more how one-dimensional people are. Goes both ways, for guys and girls. Looks are the running forefront for "liking" someone when that should be one of the least important things. But that is not to say that attraction is not important. It is. But he/she shouldn't have to be a super model.
I find that a lot of the time, men have more of a problem with this than women. And it's generally the average looking men who expect to date Kate Upton. Oh men, when will you ever learn? Sorry, that's really sexist. But really. When you go to stick it in that bitch (I am awful; I have an awful, awful mouth) and she forgot her birth control for a week straight, you're not only going to have a baby with her dumbass, but it will probably be a dumb baby. Either that or she's smart and beautiful and wants nothing to do with a manchild. So get real.
Maybe I am jaded because of the situations I've been in. I gained weight after I did the calendar and GND contest because I hated the attention I got for it. I was half (or actually, completely) naked. Please don't hit on me, douche bag. If you want to hit on me just because of the way I look, I don't care if you Channing Tatum, I'm not going to fuck you. I have been losing the weight I gained because I personally wasn't happy with myself. But I can tell you, I will never, ever do any kind of sexualized photoshoot again.
It blows my mind that girls on Instagram post pictures of themselves in bikinis or underwear or whatever. I mean, duh guys are going to "like" it and comment. Does that make you anymore worthwhile as a human being? Absolutely not. Have some dignity, and with that you will earn respect. Don't take off your clothes and then complain that guys don't treat you right.
A friend of mine (guy) asked what I wanted out of life last night. The thing is, I don't know. And I don't know because society has driven into our minds what we want, and I don't want any of that. Therefore, I have no idea. I can tell you a billion things I don't want. I don't want to have kids. I don't want to "settle down" and buy a house and live in some shit hole area (because everywhere is a shit hole) for the rest of my life.
This is kind of crazy, but since I took an anthropology class freshman year of college, I've always wanted to go live with a tribe somewhere for awhile and study them. But I let my fear control that situation. Fear on like, a million different levels actually. Fears such as: being in a tribe I don't know their customs, language, etc. Fear of not being able to pay my bills. Fear of dying in the jungle lol.
I should release the fears and just do it. But then I would need funding. And probably a degree in anthropology to get the funding. I'd like to get my masters in anthropology, actually. Again, fears.
I clearly have completely derailed off the topic of relationships. So I'll get back on track. Girls, if you want to be in a relationship, don't jump on the first dude that shows interest. Don't take pics of yourself half naked and then date the douche that comments on it. Also, don't date the guy that tells you you're beautiful all the time. You are beautiful. You don't need anyone to tell you that.
Same goes for guys. Don't act desperate toward women. Also don't take douchey pics of yourself. Don't be too nice.
I hate when guys are too nice. Chris was often too nice to me. I get outta control, I need to be put in my place sometimes. He would try to put me in my place and I would pretty much tell him to fuck off because he was too nice about it. The only person in my life to ever put me in my place, and often, is Ashley. Because she can be scary and mean, and even when I'm drunk I listen to her.
Guys or girls looking for a relationship need to look for someone who is their equal, intellectually and spiritually. This will maintain a bond like most relationships do not have. Friendship is also important. You have to enjoy being around the person, even if you aren't naked. And finally, you have to both want to be in the relationship and want make it work. If you are unhappy, talk it out.
As for me right now, I am not ready for another relationship. Probably not for awhile. And this is coming from someone pretty jaded. But I am not against love, because love is everywhere. And so to attract the love you want, you have to first be that love you want. That's all.
Bitches O__O
lol
Friday, July 27, 2012
Wednesday, July 25, 2012
Being awesome
Today I want to applaud myself on being fucking awesome. I have dealt with so much shit this week, and I'm just letting it roll off me. In fact, I'm in a pretty good mood today. I'll attribute this to my positive affirmations and projections. I think that this week would have been a test for even the most level headed, sane person. Starting about this time last week, it was one thing after another.
In fact, things were so bad, that I don't even feel like rehashing them. I just want to forget they happened and move forward. Because what else can you really do?
Regardless, I am mentally in a better place now. Tonight is the second O2 event that I've put together and it's at Schlafly, during their farmer's market. I'm excited to eat some awesome food and attend the market.
I've had an outpouring of unsolicited support (and sometimes, even unknown) from friends lately, including some from the Sentience Shared group on FB :-)
Friday I'm going to eat and to dinner with Shaila, Kylie and Ashley S, then we're going out. I'm getting excited about Italian Fest. I have dinner with Courtney on Monday. I am happy and carefree. Carefree without forgetting my responsibilities, but without letting them overwhelm me.
This is the first time in my life I have worked through issues by myself, without the aid of medication and without having a complete breakdown. It looked bleak for a minute, but got better really quickly, and for that I am extremely thankful.
I'm been trying to stay mindful about giving thanks for life everyday, and that thought always helps me remember who I am and allows me to feel whole.
The other day, after an entire day of meditation and positive affirmations I came across a short...well, lesson from Pema Chodron, who is a Tibetan Buddhist. I have came across the lesson many times in my life, and never really understood it until last week. The lesson goes like this:
All in all, things are really good right now :-)
In fact, things were so bad, that I don't even feel like rehashing them. I just want to forget they happened and move forward. Because what else can you really do?
Regardless, I am mentally in a better place now. Tonight is the second O2 event that I've put together and it's at Schlafly, during their farmer's market. I'm excited to eat some awesome food and attend the market.
I've had an outpouring of unsolicited support (and sometimes, even unknown) from friends lately, including some from the Sentience Shared group on FB :-)
Friday I'm going to eat and to dinner with Shaila, Kylie and Ashley S, then we're going out. I'm getting excited about Italian Fest. I have dinner with Courtney on Monday. I am happy and carefree. Carefree without forgetting my responsibilities, but without letting them overwhelm me.
This is the first time in my life I have worked through issues by myself, without the aid of medication and without having a complete breakdown. It looked bleak for a minute, but got better really quickly, and for that I am extremely thankful.
I'm been trying to stay mindful about giving thanks for life everyday, and that thought always helps me remember who I am and allows me to feel whole.
The other day, after an entire day of meditation and positive affirmations I came across a short...well, lesson from Pema Chodron, who is a Tibetan Buddhist. I have came across the lesson many times in my life, and never really understood it until last week. The lesson goes like this:
There is a story of a woman running away from tigers. She runs and runs and the tigers are getting closer and closer. When she comes to the edge of a cliff, she sees some vines there, so she climbs down and holds on to the vines. Looking down, she sees that there are tigers below her as well. She then notices that a mouse is gnawing away at the vine to which she is clinging. She also sees a beautiful little bunch of strawberries close to her, growing out of a clump of grass. She looks up and she looks down. She looks at the mouse. Then she just takes a strawberry, puts it in her mouth, and enjoys it thoroughly. Tigers above, tigers below. This is actually the predicament that we are always in, in terms of our birth and death. Each moment is just what it is. It might be the only moment of our life; it might be the only strawberry we’ll ever eat. We could get depressed about it, or we could finally appreciate it and delight in the preciousness of every single moment of our life.
The lesson is to live life in the present moment and appreciate what you have, right now. Because there are always "tigers above, tigers below", because life is between birth and death and all you can do is appreciate what is happening now. So I decided that I want "Tigers above, Tigers below" in a tattoo. I can't figure out where, but I'm thinking on my collar bone.
Thursday, July 19, 2012
Stability
So I feel (mostly) better today. After Chris text me yesterday, Jason (uncle) called me to complain about Chris, I flipped shit on Matt and determined I'm done with him, I promptly went home, had a panic attack and cried for an hour. All I could think about (I do this is a lot when I'm in this state) is think about how I didn't want to exist anymore. I didn't want to feel or exist.
First off, I don't know why I let Chris and his issues get to me. We haven't been together in almost 6 months. I don't know why Jason talks to him either, but I told him not to. Either way, I let his problems get to me and I feel like they are somehow my fault. Which is insane and clearly it is also driving me insane. I need to let that go.
Along with letting go, I need to let Matt go because he is also driving me insane. When we started talking he was allll about hanging out with me all the time. And I was like, no. Then I started to really like him. Cool, whatever. Then he stopped wanting to hang out as much. I asked if he was done seeing me, he always said no. Then wtf are you doing? It makes no sense. Then, recently, we've only been hanging out when it's convenient for him.
Fuck that. So yesterday I finally told him how I feel. Of course, true Matt style (besides when he was trying to make me love him, or something), his responses are basically nothing. I asked if he was done with me and he didn't even say yes or no. He said I ask dumb questions. The thing is, he knows that if he said yes, he's done with me that it wouldn't really bother me. I mean, it would, but I would get over it. So whatever, I'm fucking done. If he can't tell me how he feels about anything, then it's not worth me feeling anything. Or losing my fucking mind over it.
I actually told him I want to love him. And I do want to. He said he doesn't want to be loved. Shut the fuck up. Everyone wants to be loved. Quit being a scared child. If you think you don't want to be loved, you need to reevaluate your life, for real. And also quit being a scared vagina.
Anyway, I'm not wasting time on that. Even though I just did, but moving on.
So I'm having this intense meltdown and crying into my blankie and I flip over on my back and lay my hand on my chest. And suddenly I remembered this quote I read that said when you can feel your beating heart to remember that you have purpose. I felt washed over in love and calmness. It was really, really an amazing moment. It is actually bringing tears to my eyes right now because it was so pure and beautiful.
Then I remember quotes from Deepak about being present and whole and love. It made me get up and get ready for the meeting I had to go to.
I won't say I feel 100% better because I don't. I am a little afraid that the float this weekend might be like my disastrous Cardinals game last year, in which I managed to ruin about half of my life, in all areas of my life, in a matter of about 12 hours. I hope to god that doesn't happen.
But I am working through it. Without medication. I will do it and I will be fine. I am a whole person, working towards love.
I hate using the term love because it implies romantic love and that's rarely what I mean.
Either way, I'll keep on truckin towards happiness :-)
First off, I don't know why I let Chris and his issues get to me. We haven't been together in almost 6 months. I don't know why Jason talks to him either, but I told him not to. Either way, I let his problems get to me and I feel like they are somehow my fault. Which is insane and clearly it is also driving me insane. I need to let that go.
Along with letting go, I need to let Matt go because he is also driving me insane. When we started talking he was allll about hanging out with me all the time. And I was like, no. Then I started to really like him. Cool, whatever. Then he stopped wanting to hang out as much. I asked if he was done seeing me, he always said no. Then wtf are you doing? It makes no sense. Then, recently, we've only been hanging out when it's convenient for him.
Fuck that. So yesterday I finally told him how I feel. Of course, true Matt style (besides when he was trying to make me love him, or something), his responses are basically nothing. I asked if he was done with me and he didn't even say yes or no. He said I ask dumb questions. The thing is, he knows that if he said yes, he's done with me that it wouldn't really bother me. I mean, it would, but I would get over it. So whatever, I'm fucking done. If he can't tell me how he feels about anything, then it's not worth me feeling anything. Or losing my fucking mind over it.
I actually told him I want to love him. And I do want to. He said he doesn't want to be loved. Shut the fuck up. Everyone wants to be loved. Quit being a scared child. If you think you don't want to be loved, you need to reevaluate your life, for real. And also quit being a scared vagina.
Anyway, I'm not wasting time on that. Even though I just did, but moving on.
So I'm having this intense meltdown and crying into my blankie and I flip over on my back and lay my hand on my chest. And suddenly I remembered this quote I read that said when you can feel your beating heart to remember that you have purpose. I felt washed over in love and calmness. It was really, really an amazing moment. It is actually bringing tears to my eyes right now because it was so pure and beautiful.
Then I remember quotes from Deepak about being present and whole and love. It made me get up and get ready for the meeting I had to go to.
I won't say I feel 100% better because I don't. I am a little afraid that the float this weekend might be like my disastrous Cardinals game last year, in which I managed to ruin about half of my life, in all areas of my life, in a matter of about 12 hours. I hope to god that doesn't happen.
But I am working through it. Without medication. I will do it and I will be fine. I am a whole person, working towards love.
I hate using the term love because it implies romantic love and that's rarely what I mean.
Either way, I'll keep on truckin towards happiness :-)
Wednesday, July 18, 2012
What if I told you
What if I told you love was the only answer? To everything in life. Would you think I was crazy?
I'm going to propose something, and if nothing else, just think about it.
Love is the only solution in life. Nothing else matters aside from love. Love of yourself, one another, the planet, space, all of existence.
Now, if you work within this love, all things in life reflect love. For some people, this is easy. I won't say it's easy for me because it's not. I still work on it though. I'll get to reasoning later.
But if you work within love, reflect love, receive love, life becomes easier, correct? And as I'm meantioned before "love" and "attachment" are different. Refer to my post on love for the difference. But a good example is my baby blanket. I still sleep with it. Do I say I love my blanket? Yes. Do I really mean "love". No. It is 100% attachment based.
With that being said, try to make every decision based out of love. Negative thoughts, turn them positive. Hateful words, turn them into loving words. Or if you can't do that, no words at all.
In fact, stop your negative thoughts right now. And think about this logically. When has there ever been a circumstance that you put love out (again, real love) and the outcome of the situation was not positive?
So basically, why not? Why not live in love? What is it going to hurt? If nothing else, things will stay the same. At least it will give you something to focus on. Right?
I'm going to propose something, and if nothing else, just think about it.
Love is the only solution in life. Nothing else matters aside from love. Love of yourself, one another, the planet, space, all of existence.
Now, if you work within this love, all things in life reflect love. For some people, this is easy. I won't say it's easy for me because it's not. I still work on it though. I'll get to reasoning later.
But if you work within love, reflect love, receive love, life becomes easier, correct? And as I'm meantioned before "love" and "attachment" are different. Refer to my post on love for the difference. But a good example is my baby blanket. I still sleep with it. Do I say I love my blanket? Yes. Do I really mean "love". No. It is 100% attachment based.
With that being said, try to make every decision based out of love. Negative thoughts, turn them positive. Hateful words, turn them into loving words. Or if you can't do that, no words at all.
In fact, stop your negative thoughts right now. And think about this logically. When has there ever been a circumstance that you put love out (again, real love) and the outcome of the situation was not positive?
So basically, why not? Why not live in love? What is it going to hurt? If nothing else, things will stay the same. At least it will give you something to focus on. Right?
Intense and too much
If this makes no sense or isn't coherent, I don't care.
I fucking hate this time of year. I don't know what it is. Every year at this time, I have a pretty intense breakdown. I can never figure out the root problem. This is the time of year that I overdosed. Almost every year at this time, I get back on medication.
I don't want to be on medication. I'm done with it. I need to work through this but I don't know how.
Last year this time, Chris and I broke up after I had a meltdown and basically attacked him. I went to the doctor and they prescribed me the usual. I don't want to be medicated my whole life. I always end up not taking it after awhile.
I have been taking herbal anti-anxiety supplements. They seemed to be working. Until now.
I thought this year would be different, being done with school and having a secure job. I guess not though. It's so fucking scary to me. I hate feeling like this. I constantly feel like I can't breathe. I never feel at peace or like I can rest. It's hard for me to eat. I am snappy with people I care about. I don't care about myself at all; I'm completely reckless. I feel like there's no one I can talk to without burdening them. I don't even want to talk to myself because I feel like every thought I have is deluded and insane. I drive myself crazy worrying about things I can't control and that don't matter.
I also thought with the meditation and spiritual healing I am trying that it would be better at least. But it doesn't seem to be.
I literally don't know what to do. I feel so insanely alone, even though I know that I am not.
I fucking hate this time of year. I don't know what it is. Every year at this time, I have a pretty intense breakdown. I can never figure out the root problem. This is the time of year that I overdosed. Almost every year at this time, I get back on medication.
I don't want to be on medication. I'm done with it. I need to work through this but I don't know how.
Last year this time, Chris and I broke up after I had a meltdown and basically attacked him. I went to the doctor and they prescribed me the usual. I don't want to be medicated my whole life. I always end up not taking it after awhile.
I have been taking herbal anti-anxiety supplements. They seemed to be working. Until now.
I thought this year would be different, being done with school and having a secure job. I guess not though. It's so fucking scary to me. I hate feeling like this. I constantly feel like I can't breathe. I never feel at peace or like I can rest. It's hard for me to eat. I am snappy with people I care about. I don't care about myself at all; I'm completely reckless. I feel like there's no one I can talk to without burdening them. I don't even want to talk to myself because I feel like every thought I have is deluded and insane. I drive myself crazy worrying about things I can't control and that don't matter.
I also thought with the meditation and spiritual healing I am trying that it would be better at least. But it doesn't seem to be.
I literally don't know what to do. I feel so insanely alone, even though I know that I am not.
Tuesday, July 17, 2012
Love
I wrote this awhile back and it's still true. I figured I should post it to remind myself :-) So these are my requirements for love. Here goes nothing J
Self-sufficiency is the number one thing on my list. If you are not self-sufficient, I’m not going to waste my time and effort being sufficient for you, nor will I give you direction on how to be self-sufficient. Why so many people lack this drive in life is beyond me. If you don’t take care of yourself, who do you expect to do it? And whoever it is that you expect to do it, what if they die? Are you just doing to die, too? That’s stupid; be a human being and take care of yourself.
The second thing that means a lot to me is self-love. I struggle with this myself, so I can’t go about this the same way I will with self-sufficiency, which is with an iron-clad fist. I’m willing to help someone out if they help me out in this area. But it is my understanding and belief that if a person doesn’t fully love themself, they cannot fully love another person. As I said, this is flexible, as along as the other person understands how important it is to me and to a relationship. Also, it is important in order to overcome obstacles that relationships present, of which there are many.
The third thing that I am looking for is more of an overall thing. While it can pertain to a person, it also pertains to the relationship as a whole; I want each of us to maintain a sense of adventure, both together and apart. I don’t want to melt into one person, I want to maintain individuality. But even doing things apart, I want us to do new things together, often. So with that, we both need to trust each other, which is obviously also important in relationships.
I want to be with someone who can accept me as I am, and also allow for my growth. I also want this person to want to grow as their own person, and to know the true meaning of the word. I want them to be more focused on personal excellence, instead of personal success.
I want this person to want to travel places with me. Or with other couples. Or whatever, I just want to travel and not alone. I want to share the experience with someone. Sense of adventure is important to me. Along with adventure, I want to get a tattoo with them. Ring finger, fuckers.
"Love allows your beloved the freedom to be unlike you. Attachment asks for conformity to your needs and desires.
Love imposes no demands. Attachment expresses an overwhelming demand - 'Make me feel whole.'
Love expands beyond limits of two people. Attachment tries to exclude everything but two people."
Along with: Chopra's The Path to Love on Detachment vs Nonattachment:
"...nonattachment is actually a state of freedom that preserves and even increases your love for another. Detachment is achieved by not caring; nonattachment is achieved by allowing, which shows tremendous care. Therefore the insights that apply to nonattachment carry us deeper into the spiritual importance of letting go.
Attachment is a form of dependency based on ego; love is nonattachment based on spirit.
The more nonattached you are, the more you can truly love.
Action that does not bind come directly from love; all other action comes indirectly from the past.
Struggling with karma will not free you from its binding influence. Freedome can only be achieved by remembering who you really are.
Who you really are is unbounded spirit, beyond the reach of karma".
I want all of these things. And I won’t settle until I have them. And in order to get them, I will put them out so I reflect back what I most desire.
Monday, July 16, 2012
Allow me to bitch about typical girl shit, including Fifty Shades of Grey
BAHHHAHAAA OHHHH MAN. I just read the best review of Fifty Shades of Grey EVERRRR. I fucking loathe that series.
No, I have not read it. No, I will not give it a chance. No, I will never read it or even attempt to read it. Before it was this asinine phenomena, Lauren described it to me and I responded with, "That sounds dumb as fuck". I stand by that statement.
And since I know you're super interested now, here's the link to the review http://www.goodreads.com/review/show/340987215 When you read it all (you totally should) there's a link to the next book review at the end. I read all three. They were highly entertaining.
I tweeted the link to Ashley. I expect very angry backlash from her. Ashley and I often have this conversation about why we are even friends. Other than the fact that our dads made us be friends and we grew up with each other, I'm not really sure.
It's funny to me because she doesn't come off as the kind of person who would believe in fairytale love and the sort, but she totally does. It drives me fucking crazy. Especially after being around me for so long, you would think my uncaring nature would rub off a little. I guess I'm stupid for thinking that.
I remember when we were getting ready for the Mardi Gras parade (and subsequently, this year, her birthday) and she had to redo her nails because she painted them before bed and they smudged. I said, "Who fucking cares, let's go". I seriously thought she was going to have a meltdown. Her reasoning was that she's "single" so she had to have nicely painted nails.
GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE! When...PLEASE TELL ME WHENNNNN is the last time a guy (a heterosexual guy) noticed your painted fucking fingernails. ESPECIALLY AT BOOB-FEST MARDI GRAS. Oh wait...never?! That's NEVER happened and it will never happen. Don't give me your boo-hoo, I'm single bullshit. Maybe you're single because you waste time painting your nails and reading shit like Fifty Shades of Grey.
Which brings me back to Fifty Shades of Grey. Women rant and rave about how amazing this series is. Even my uber-feminist friend commented to me "Umm....Christian Grey obviously hasn't come to visit you in your dreams or you would be singing a different tune, my friend. Bahahaaaa :)". No, he sure has not. And hopefully, he never will, unless it is for me to kill him. I'm not down with that dark, brooding bullshit. You're not brooding, you're just a douchebag.
Have you ever seen the movie The Secretary? That's what I get out of this book. A sad, pathetic (virgin...ahahahaa) girl who is fucked up in the head enough to stay with someone who is abusive. And somehow, everyone seems to overlook the abuse of this "plot" (it gets quotations because I'm not sure it's a real plot) because of the sex. If you are that fucking sex deprived, watch some porn. I watch porn. Girls can't admit that, but they can admit to reading trash? I don't get it.
I read Jezebel articles a lot because they're hilarious and my kind of humor. They often talk about things like..."How to Catch the Perfect Man" but really it's making fun of an article that someone honestly wrote titled that. And the articles they are making fun of are always ridiculous shit like, "Wear neutral make up that shows that you're not trying too hard, but just hard enough". What?! Fuck you. I hate wearing make up. Unless I'm going "out" or...that's about it, I rarely wear make up.
In fact, I don't even wear make up to work unless I have a meeting or something. Even then, I think it's bullshit that to be taken seriously professionally, I have to wear make up and a nice outfit. Because my intelligence isn't enough, ohhh, but if you're a guy, everything is dandy.
I sound like a huge feminist and I'm totally not. I just like to think that as a collective society, we have come further than...shit I don't even know. Holding women up to unrealistic standards while men get to have a beer belly and never shave? Yeah, that's it, basically. And when I realize that no, we have not really progressed at all, it saddens me. Not just looking at sexism either, also racism, or discrimination of any sort.
I'm not a feminist, at all really. I totally would like to get married one day. I think. But if I don't, it won't be because I'm a man hater. I don't even blame it on men that that's how our society (and most of the world) works. If it wasn't for the perpetuation of the stereotype, then it wouldn't exist, right? That takes all those who perpetuate it into account, including myself.
I think I'm literally running in circles now. I now feel like writing this was a gigantic waste of my time.
In other news: Our regional boss is resigning. He, along with our CEO and several other people, will be here tomorrow for meetings and such. Yippie. I'm leaving work early today because Amy and I decided it was a good idea. This weekend is our annual float trip, and I took Monday off for recovery. Next week is my 2nd O2 society, which I put together, all by mahself. Andddd.......my cell phone contract with Chris is up this month. That's about it.
Good day.
No, I have not read it. No, I will not give it a chance. No, I will never read it or even attempt to read it. Before it was this asinine phenomena, Lauren described it to me and I responded with, "That sounds dumb as fuck". I stand by that statement.
And since I know you're super interested now, here's the link to the review http://www.goodreads.com/review/show/340987215 When you read it all (you totally should) there's a link to the next book review at the end. I read all three. They were highly entertaining.
I tweeted the link to Ashley. I expect very angry backlash from her. Ashley and I often have this conversation about why we are even friends. Other than the fact that our dads made us be friends and we grew up with each other, I'm not really sure.
It's funny to me because she doesn't come off as the kind of person who would believe in fairytale love and the sort, but she totally does. It drives me fucking crazy. Especially after being around me for so long, you would think my uncaring nature would rub off a little. I guess I'm stupid for thinking that.
I remember when we were getting ready for the Mardi Gras parade (and subsequently, this year, her birthday) and she had to redo her nails because she painted them before bed and they smudged. I said, "Who fucking cares, let's go". I seriously thought she was going to have a meltdown. Her reasoning was that she's "single" so she had to have nicely painted nails.
GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE! When...PLEASE TELL ME WHENNNNN is the last time a guy (a heterosexual guy) noticed your painted fucking fingernails. ESPECIALLY AT BOOB-FEST MARDI GRAS. Oh wait...never?! That's NEVER happened and it will never happen. Don't give me your boo-hoo, I'm single bullshit. Maybe you're single because you waste time painting your nails and reading shit like Fifty Shades of Grey.
Which brings me back to Fifty Shades of Grey. Women rant and rave about how amazing this series is. Even my uber-feminist friend commented to me "Umm....Christian Grey obviously hasn't come to visit you in your dreams or you would be singing a different tune, my friend. Bahahaaaa :)". No, he sure has not. And hopefully, he never will, unless it is for me to kill him. I'm not down with that dark, brooding bullshit. You're not brooding, you're just a douchebag.
Have you ever seen the movie The Secretary? That's what I get out of this book. A sad, pathetic (virgin...ahahahaa) girl who is fucked up in the head enough to stay with someone who is abusive. And somehow, everyone seems to overlook the abuse of this "plot" (it gets quotations because I'm not sure it's a real plot) because of the sex. If you are that fucking sex deprived, watch some porn. I watch porn. Girls can't admit that, but they can admit to reading trash? I don't get it.
I read Jezebel articles a lot because they're hilarious and my kind of humor. They often talk about things like..."How to Catch the Perfect Man" but really it's making fun of an article that someone honestly wrote titled that. And the articles they are making fun of are always ridiculous shit like, "Wear neutral make up that shows that you're not trying too hard, but just hard enough". What?! Fuck you. I hate wearing make up. Unless I'm going "out" or...that's about it, I rarely wear make up.
In fact, I don't even wear make up to work unless I have a meeting or something. Even then, I think it's bullshit that to be taken seriously professionally, I have to wear make up and a nice outfit. Because my intelligence isn't enough, ohhh, but if you're a guy, everything is dandy.
I sound like a huge feminist and I'm totally not. I just like to think that as a collective society, we have come further than...shit I don't even know. Holding women up to unrealistic standards while men get to have a beer belly and never shave? Yeah, that's it, basically. And when I realize that no, we have not really progressed at all, it saddens me. Not just looking at sexism either, also racism, or discrimination of any sort.
I'm not a feminist, at all really. I totally would like to get married one day. I think. But if I don't, it won't be because I'm a man hater. I don't even blame it on men that that's how our society (and most of the world) works. If it wasn't for the perpetuation of the stereotype, then it wouldn't exist, right? That takes all those who perpetuate it into account, including myself.
I think I'm literally running in circles now. I now feel like writing this was a gigantic waste of my time.
In other news: Our regional boss is resigning. He, along with our CEO and several other people, will be here tomorrow for meetings and such. Yippie. I'm leaving work early today because Amy and I decided it was a good idea. This weekend is our annual float trip, and I took Monday off for recovery. Next week is my 2nd O2 society, which I put together, all by mahself. Andddd.......my cell phone contract with Chris is up this month. That's about it.
Good day.
Wednesday, July 11, 2012
non-profit volunteerism
One of my favorite things about my life and myself is my willingness to give and volunteer. I'm kind of writing this for my self, but also to spread ideas and information so you can do the same, if you so choose :-)
As my bio says, I work for a non-profit organization. I love it. I have decided I will never work for any other kind of organization. We are smaller than many non-profits that probably come to mind, such as American Heart Association or Cancer Society. Because we are smaller, it allows me enjoy it that much more because I feel that corruption often enters when any organization gets that big, even if it's non-profit. We are definitely not that large.
Anyway, I love my job for several reasons. Number one, I love the people I work with. They are some of the nicest, most caring people I have ever met in my life. They care about their job, the mission of our organization, and also, we all care about each other. It's like a family, and it makes me so happy :-)
Reason number two I love my job is because all I've ever really wanted to do is feel like I've helped someone and made their life just a little bit better. I will never make a ton of money here, or at any non-profit, and that's completely fine with me. I have never been a money hungry person to be honest. My first major in college was education, so I think that's kind of obvious :-) But it's nice to be able to go to work and feel like I serve an actual purpose being here, other than just getting a check.
There are a bunch of other reasons why I love my job, but they are not as important.
Aside from my full time job, I do some volunteer work. I am part of an organization called Collinsville Charities for Children. We provide under-privileged kids in the Collinsville area with a pair of shoes and package of socks during Christmastime. I do all of the media work for them and assist in planning the events. We do a golf tournament every year to raise money and participate in a chili cook off.
Last year we provided 300+ kids in the area with shoes and socks. It was awesome. I also bought a pair of Heeley's for a kid. He is labeled as "behavior disordered" and didn't want any of the shoes we had to offer at Payless. He ended up getting shoes there, but I bought him some Heeley's and delivered them to his school. He was super pumped and it made me really happy to see him happy. I don't think kids naturally have a "behavior disorder", I think they have shitty parents. When I was with him at Payless, the teacher kept asking me if he was bothering me, but he wasn't. He was a little difficult to talk to, but he was like 9. Aren't all kids difficult sometimes? I mean, he didn't punch me or anything. Sometimes (most of the time) I don't understand our education system and it makes me really glad I didn't go into it. I think it would have ruined my opinion on our country even more.
Anyway though, I also am a member of the Collinsville Jaycees. I'm on the board as secretary for this year. We are really dysfunctional. I have known all of the members since I was kid, since my parents were in the Jaycees. There's only like, 8 people left. But we have a bunch of money, and we raise money, and we donate it all back into the community. Which also benefits my other non-profits since I make the Jaycees cut me checks that I personally can't make out to my work or CC4C because I don't have hundreds of dollars to donate.
Because of all the non-profit networking I do, I help out with several other organizations. I help other Jaycee chapters put events together, or donate to another volunteers cause since they donated to mine, etc. Later this month I'm helping out at a bone marrow drive, and also registering to see if I am a match for the person in need. It honestly sounds a little scary, but I am a young, able-bodied person, so why not? I would hope someone would help me out if I needed it. In all non-profit circumstances the beneficiary relies on the willingness of others to give. So I just do it. Plus it makes me feel better than arbitrarily donating money to organizations for research and whatever, even though that is also beneficial, this directly affects someone in an instantaneous manor.
So anyway, this is my experience with non-profit and volunteering. And that's all I have to say :-)
I hope, if anyone reads this, that it encourages you to help another person. Even if it's as small as buying groceries for an elderly person, walking someone's dog, helping someone pay the air conditioning bill, do it for them. When you do it for them, you do it for yourself too!
I have noticed that this particular post gets a lot of views. If you read it and have any questions, feel free to email me! brittni.rehg@hotmail.com
Tuesday, July 10, 2012
I've been quiet
I haven't had much to say lately, which is strange. I think I've been filtering all of my typically internal or blogged thoughts into people who listen :-) It's kind of nice. With that being said, I've been talking to all kinds of interesting people!
Andy Huck and I are friends again. I hadn't talked to him in like a year, and last time I talked to him he kind of flipped shit on me. He was just finding out at that time that he was bipolar though, sooooo, it's whatever. He seems to be a lot better though.
I hung out with him Saturday night actually. I went with him over to Ryan Lindsey's. I had been at Fair STL but was hating life and I'm really glad I left and wish I would have never went in the first place. But we hung out over at Ryan's until like 4am talking about spiritual shit.
The reason he got mad at me last year because I could tell something other than his anxiety was wrong with him and told him I didn't think God could help. He had just started going to church and he got super pissed and offended. I should have just told him to go to the damn doctor, which is what I really meant. Either way, we're cool now and I'm glad because he's crazier than I am so I tell him all kinds of crazy shit and he just acts like it's normal lol.
I also like that he doesn't hit on me at all. So there's no awkwardness there. I often find I get along with guys better than girls, but a lot of times it's hard to find guy friends that neither person develops feelings for one another.
On another note, I bought an un-tumbled crystal necklace from Tyler Saunders, aka The Atlantis King. He promptly Facebook chatted me and told me I was pretty, again :-) Uhmmm....I literally love him. He just posted on my FB wall to tell me he mailed it. I was just want attack him. I will update as soon as I receive the crystal. I'm sure you will totally care.
I guess that's all I have? How strange.
Andy Huck and I are friends again. I hadn't talked to him in like a year, and last time I talked to him he kind of flipped shit on me. He was just finding out at that time that he was bipolar though, sooooo, it's whatever. He seems to be a lot better though.
I hung out with him Saturday night actually. I went with him over to Ryan Lindsey's. I had been at Fair STL but was hating life and I'm really glad I left and wish I would have never went in the first place. But we hung out over at Ryan's until like 4am talking about spiritual shit.
The reason he got mad at me last year because I could tell something other than his anxiety was wrong with him and told him I didn't think God could help. He had just started going to church and he got super pissed and offended. I should have just told him to go to the damn doctor, which is what I really meant. Either way, we're cool now and I'm glad because he's crazier than I am so I tell him all kinds of crazy shit and he just acts like it's normal lol.
I also like that he doesn't hit on me at all. So there's no awkwardness there. I often find I get along with guys better than girls, but a lot of times it's hard to find guy friends that neither person develops feelings for one another.
On another note, I bought an un-tumbled crystal necklace from Tyler Saunders, aka The Atlantis King. He promptly Facebook chatted me and told me I was pretty, again :-) Uhmmm....I literally love him. He just posted on my FB wall to tell me he mailed it. I was just want attack him. I will update as soon as I receive the crystal. I'm sure you will totally care.
I guess that's all I have? How strange.
Thursday, July 5, 2012
"Feedom"
I like how every year on the 4th everyone parties their face off, shoots off fireworks, drinks beer, grills and acts like a fool. All in the name of "freedom" and the "greatest country in the world". Talk about ethnocentrism.
When you tell someone you don't enjoy the 4th of July, the look on their face is like you killed their first born child. It's so sad. I don't like the commodity of the 4th. Not to mention is all is does is distract us from how fucked up everything in this country is. Gives us a false sense of unity, how our government loves us and provides for us. All lies.
Do not get me wrong. I do not mean to sound disrespectful towards those in the military or police officers or any one at all really. They don't know. We are all brainwashed to put out attention on our countries heros (and even they don't even know!) while the government does whatever the fuck they want. People risk their lives for a hidden agenda that has nothing to do with freedom and even less to do with our well being.
Like the picture above, someone might argue: "But I want those things for myself". Sure you do. But why? Because it's been ingrained in us from birth. Anytime I tell people I don't want to have kids, I'm pretty sure that they actually hear me say that I murder babies or something. It's like, completely insane and ghastly that I could never want children. What is wrong with me?! Oh, I know. I have a functioning brain.
It's so sad to me when people think that I'm crazy when I tell them what's really going on.
When you tell someone you don't enjoy the 4th of July, the look on their face is like you killed their first born child. It's so sad. I don't like the commodity of the 4th. Not to mention is all is does is distract us from how fucked up everything in this country is. Gives us a false sense of unity, how our government loves us and provides for us. All lies.
Like the picture above, someone might argue: "But I want those things for myself". Sure you do. But why? Because it's been ingrained in us from birth. Anytime I tell people I don't want to have kids, I'm pretty sure that they actually hear me say that I murder babies or something. It's like, completely insane and ghastly that I could never want children. What is wrong with me?! Oh, I know. I have a functioning brain.
It's so sad to me when people think that I'm crazy when I tell them what's really going on.
Wednesday, July 4, 2012
overthinking
I think I am losing my mind.
That might be a little dramatic. I hope that my period is fucking with my head.
Like I said before, I have not been feeling right lately. I am just going to type and try to hash this out.
So I know things I do alone. That sounds really strange, but I was kind of like, never alone before. Besides in high school. But I pretty well know who I am. I was trying to figure that out, and I had forgotten because of Chris (I never want that again) but now I know. And remember.
Here is the thing. I don't know how to be happy. Alone, with someone, etc...
Why is it about that though? Can't I just be. How do you do that?
Like, seriously. I can't wrap my head around it. As many of the spiritual things I do/read/try. It makes me feel better at the time. It's so tiring though. Everything is so fucking tiring.
I literally mean everything. Here's a list of things that make me tired:
working
going out
friends
guys
my family
drinking
being on the computer
reading
finding myself
loving myself
trying
life
Everything is tiring. After I perform any activity I am either physically or emotionally drained.
That's not normal. At all.
I just don't want to do anything. And then, at the end of the day, when I'm in bed. This is what I do. And I'm tired. But am I going to sleep? Fuck no. Is it 12:30 and I have to be up at 7:30? For sure.
I say I talk to much? I think too much. I think it's ruining my life.
Right now, I am just realizing what "go with the flow" actually means.
But they always tell you to think right?
I am going to read this tomorrow and maybe delete it but I feel a little better.
..........................
(UPDATE)
So this is pretty legit crazy, but I don't disagree with any of it, so I'm keeping it.
Also, I stayed up until about 2. I'm exhausted right now. I'll take a nap when I get home. Probably wake up, and be crabby.
Matt text me at like 130. I didn't respond because he said "scoop", which means pick him up. Uhmmm...what? Fuck you. It's 130 in the morning, I have to work (even thought I'm awake), and I asked you several hours ago if we were going to hang out. When you said "Maybe later" that doesn't mean I'm going to pick your drunk, probably previously passed out, ass up and take you home. You can fuck right off with that nonsense.
And by fuck off, I literally mean fuck you, what the fuck is your problem. I won't be speaking to him for awhile. Or maybe ever again, who knows.
That might be a little dramatic. I hope that my period is fucking with my head.
Like I said before, I have not been feeling right lately. I am just going to type and try to hash this out.
So I know things I do alone. That sounds really strange, but I was kind of like, never alone before. Besides in high school. But I pretty well know who I am. I was trying to figure that out, and I had forgotten because of Chris (I never want that again) but now I know. And remember.
Here is the thing. I don't know how to be happy. Alone, with someone, etc...
Why is it about that though? Can't I just be. How do you do that?
Like, seriously. I can't wrap my head around it. As many of the spiritual things I do/read/try. It makes me feel better at the time. It's so tiring though. Everything is so fucking tiring.
I literally mean everything. Here's a list of things that make me tired:
working
going out
friends
guys
my family
drinking
being on the computer
reading
finding myself
loving myself
trying
life
Everything is tiring. After I perform any activity I am either physically or emotionally drained.
That's not normal. At all.
I just don't want to do anything. And then, at the end of the day, when I'm in bed. This is what I do. And I'm tired. But am I going to sleep? Fuck no. Is it 12:30 and I have to be up at 7:30? For sure.
I say I talk to much? I think too much. I think it's ruining my life.
Right now, I am just realizing what "go with the flow" actually means.
But they always tell you to think right?
I am going to read this tomorrow and maybe delete it but I feel a little better.
..........................
(UPDATE)
So this is pretty legit crazy, but I don't disagree with any of it, so I'm keeping it.
Also, I stayed up until about 2. I'm exhausted right now. I'll take a nap when I get home. Probably wake up, and be crabby.
Matt text me at like 130. I didn't respond because he said "scoop", which means pick him up. Uhmmm...what? Fuck you. It's 130 in the morning, I have to work (even thought I'm awake), and I asked you several hours ago if we were going to hang out. When you said "Maybe later" that doesn't mean I'm going to pick your drunk, probably previously passed out, ass up and take you home. You can fuck right off with that nonsense.
And by fuck off, I literally mean fuck you, what the fuck is your problem. I won't be speaking to him for awhile. Or maybe ever again, who knows.
Tuesday, July 3, 2012
Shocking
Do you ever have some outside source tell you something about yourself that you probably knew but didn't want to hear anyway? That just happened to me. I'm still reading Chopra's The Path to Love. It's pretty good, but I leave it at work so I don't get to read it that often.
Anyway, this chapter is on sex. He gives you little quizzes throughout the book. This quiz was obviously about sex. Acoording to the quiz, I'm "very likely to be present with [my] sexuality and appreciative of sex as it is happening. [I] don't have many fixed expectations or adherence to values outside [myself]." Which is pretty healthy. It was just an agree/disagree thing. I only agreed with 5, which is in that healthy range.
One of my agree answers was, "I'm pretty insistent on getting sex when I want it". This, apparently, is some sort of problem and Chopra says that even though the quiz has a wide range of possible meanings, this sexual block can indicate "hidden anger or sadism, self-absorption, or competitiveness". Damn!! How does my anger problem seriously come out in my sex life?!
Am I self absorbed? I am pretty sure I'm not. I mean, I think I'm pretty neat, but like I said I'm trying to love myself. So I think self absorbed is a stretch. I am kind of competitive though. Not as much as I used to be.
And really, this is my biggest problem. If I want to have sex, it should happen, immediately. My thought was always; if I want to have sex with you, you should want to have sex with me. Right now. I never really looked at it any other way. How eye opening. I'm such an asshole. That's not a positive affirmation.
On another note, something in me is still definitely off. It's affecting my entire body. I've been exhausted lately. My joints have been hurting, my back has been hurting. My hip, the one that I had surgery on, has been killing me. I stopped running because the pain was too intense. I am still working out, but I couldn't handle the joint pain after running. I still hurt, but not as intense. But I feel that it gets worse every day.
I don't want to go to the doctor still. I think I'm going to go to the chiropractor first. And see Shaila's mom to do some healing touch on me.
I know, deep down, that people have the ability to heal themselves. I need to know how to do this.
Anyway, this chapter is on sex. He gives you little quizzes throughout the book. This quiz was obviously about sex. Acoording to the quiz, I'm "very likely to be present with [my] sexuality and appreciative of sex as it is happening. [I] don't have many fixed expectations or adherence to values outside [myself]." Which is pretty healthy. It was just an agree/disagree thing. I only agreed with 5, which is in that healthy range.
One of my agree answers was, "I'm pretty insistent on getting sex when I want it". This, apparently, is some sort of problem and Chopra says that even though the quiz has a wide range of possible meanings, this sexual block can indicate "hidden anger or sadism, self-absorption, or competitiveness". Damn!! How does my anger problem seriously come out in my sex life?!
Am I self absorbed? I am pretty sure I'm not. I mean, I think I'm pretty neat, but like I said I'm trying to love myself. So I think self absorbed is a stretch. I am kind of competitive though. Not as much as I used to be.
And really, this is my biggest problem. If I want to have sex, it should happen, immediately. My thought was always; if I want to have sex with you, you should want to have sex with me. Right now. I never really looked at it any other way. How eye opening. I'm such an asshole. That's not a positive affirmation.
On another note, something in me is still definitely off. It's affecting my entire body. I've been exhausted lately. My joints have been hurting, my back has been hurting. My hip, the one that I had surgery on, has been killing me. I stopped running because the pain was too intense. I am still working out, but I couldn't handle the joint pain after running. I still hurt, but not as intense. But I feel that it gets worse every day.
I don't want to go to the doctor still. I think I'm going to go to the chiropractor first. And see Shaila's mom to do some healing touch on me.
I know, deep down, that people have the ability to heal themselves. I need to know how to do this.
Monday, July 2, 2012
Two and a half day work week
Which means I am off two and half days this week. It's beautiful.
I have this unpublished post that I keep looking at and will probably never post. So much for being open and candid, huh? Maybe I will. We'll see.
I did go to the Lady A concert Friday. It was miserably hot. As soon as I got there I was crabby. I mean, you had sweat dripping off of you and you didn't even have to move. It was awful.
The concert itself was good though. We missed Thompson Square, which is whatever. We did get to hear Darius Rucker, who was good. He played some old Hootie songs :-) and even a Steve Miller song. I love Steve! I was happy to go home though, I was extremely tired.
Oh and I ended up texting Matt because I hadn't talked to him. Damn, he drives me crazy sometimes. I basically told him it's annoying when he doesn't talk to me for a long time and his response was basically that it's fine. I made plans with him for Sat and then went to bed, he text me at like 1am when I was asleep and it scared the shit out of me because my phone was on loud. I thought it was strange, he never does that.
I'm fairly certain he is the strangest, most inconsistent person ever. SO maddening. I'm still unsure what I want out of the situation, but I'm thinking more and more that I would actually like to be with him. Also the sex we had Saturday was fucking amazing.
On another note, Ashley and I were going to go to Warped Tour this Thursday. Well, we might still go. We haven't bought tickets and I'm glad we didn't because if it's going to be hot as fuck, I don't want to go.
But I did take off 1/2 of Thursday and all of Friday (which is a 1/2 day anyway for me). I was going to revoke the PTO days, and then I was like, fuck that I don't want to go to work. Besides, Mary is out this week and part of next for her surgery, which means I would be sitting around bored anyway. And I have Wednesday off for the 4th. Whatever, I don't know why I'm trying to justify the days I took off. I do what I want!
That's not true, if I did what I wanted I would be napping right now. I'm tired as fuck.
But since that's not happening, I'll go on my spiritual tangent for the day. I love talking to people about ascension and enlightenment and such. At the concert Friday, Ashley's friend Katie (who we may be living with in a few months) was asking me all kinds of questions about it. I messaged her on FB and she was totally interested and responsive. I love sharing the topic.
Kamiliah has also asked me about it and I added her to the Sentience Shared group. She seems to really enjoy exploring the whole concept. I really enjoy that other's enjoy it and I have people to talk with about it! Plus, when more people become aware, it makes others around them aware. Hopefully everyone will be aware soon and then we will all be able to raise our frequencies together into the next level :-) What a lovely thought!
I have this unpublished post that I keep looking at and will probably never post. So much for being open and candid, huh? Maybe I will. We'll see.
I did go to the Lady A concert Friday. It was miserably hot. As soon as I got there I was crabby. I mean, you had sweat dripping off of you and you didn't even have to move. It was awful.
The concert itself was good though. We missed Thompson Square, which is whatever. We did get to hear Darius Rucker, who was good. He played some old Hootie songs :-) and even a Steve Miller song. I love Steve! I was happy to go home though, I was extremely tired.
Oh and I ended up texting Matt because I hadn't talked to him. Damn, he drives me crazy sometimes. I basically told him it's annoying when he doesn't talk to me for a long time and his response was basically that it's fine. I made plans with him for Sat and then went to bed, he text me at like 1am when I was asleep and it scared the shit out of me because my phone was on loud. I thought it was strange, he never does that.
I'm fairly certain he is the strangest, most inconsistent person ever. SO maddening. I'm still unsure what I want out of the situation, but I'm thinking more and more that I would actually like to be with him. Also the sex we had Saturday was fucking amazing.
On another note, Ashley and I were going to go to Warped Tour this Thursday. Well, we might still go. We haven't bought tickets and I'm glad we didn't because if it's going to be hot as fuck, I don't want to go.
But I did take off 1/2 of Thursday and all of Friday (which is a 1/2 day anyway for me). I was going to revoke the PTO days, and then I was like, fuck that I don't want to go to work. Besides, Mary is out this week and part of next for her surgery, which means I would be sitting around bored anyway. And I have Wednesday off for the 4th. Whatever, I don't know why I'm trying to justify the days I took off. I do what I want!
That's not true, if I did what I wanted I would be napping right now. I'm tired as fuck.
But since that's not happening, I'll go on my spiritual tangent for the day. I love talking to people about ascension and enlightenment and such. At the concert Friday, Ashley's friend Katie (who we may be living with in a few months) was asking me all kinds of questions about it. I messaged her on FB and she was totally interested and responsive. I love sharing the topic.
Kamiliah has also asked me about it and I added her to the Sentience Shared group. She seems to really enjoy exploring the whole concept. I really enjoy that other's enjoy it and I have people to talk with about it! Plus, when more people become aware, it makes others around them aware. Hopefully everyone will be aware soon and then we will all be able to raise our frequencies together into the next level :-) What a lovely thought!
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