overthinking

I think I am losing my mind.

That might be a little dramatic.  I hope that my period is fucking with my head.

Like I said before, I have not been feeling right lately.  I am just going to type and try to hash this out.

So I know things I do alone.  That sounds really strange, but I was kind of like, never alone before.  Besides in high school.  But I pretty well know who I am.  I was trying to figure that out, and I had forgotten because of Chris (I never want that again) but now I know.  And remember.

Here is the thing.  I don't know how to be happy.  Alone, with someone, etc...

Why is it about that though?  Can't I just be.  How do you do that?

Like, seriously.  I can't wrap my head around it.  As many of the spiritual things I do/read/try.  It makes me feel better at the time.  It's so tiring though.  Everything is so fucking tiring.

I literally mean everything.  Here's a list of things that make me tired:

working
going out
friends
guys
my family
drinking
being on the computer
reading
finding myself
loving myself
trying
life

Everything is tiring. After I perform any activity I am either physically or emotionally drained.

That's not normal. At all.

I just don't want to do anything.  And then, at the end of the day, when I'm in bed.  This is what I do.  And I'm tired.  But am I going to sleep?  Fuck no.  Is it 12:30 and I have to be up at 7:30?  For sure.

I say I talk to much?  I think too much.  I think it's ruining my life.

Right now, I am just realizing what "go with the flow" actually means.

But they always tell you to think right?

I am going to read this tomorrow and maybe delete it but I feel a little better.

..........................
(UPDATE)

So this is pretty legit crazy, but I don't disagree with any of it, so I'm keeping it.

Also, I stayed up until about 2.  I'm exhausted right now.  I'll take a nap when I get home.  Probably wake up, and be crabby.

Matt text me at like 130.  I didn't respond because he said "scoop", which means pick him up.  Uhmmm...what?  Fuck you.  It's 130 in the morning, I have to work (even thought I'm awake), and I asked you several hours ago if we were going to hang out.  When you said "Maybe later" that doesn't mean I'm going to pick your drunk, probably previously passed out, ass up and take you home.  You can fuck right off with that nonsense.

And by fuck off, I literally mean fuck you, what the fuck is your problem.  I won't be speaking to him for awhile.  Or maybe ever again, who knows.