Stability

So I feel (mostly) better today.  After Chris text me yesterday, Jason (uncle) called me to complain about Chris, I flipped shit on Matt and determined I'm done with him, I promptly went home, had a panic attack and cried for an hour.  All I could think about (I do this is a lot when I'm in this state) is think about how I didn't want to exist anymore.  I didn't want to feel or exist. 

First off, I don't know why I let Chris and his issues get to me.  We haven't been together in almost 6 months.  I don't know why Jason talks to him either, but I told him not to.  Either way, I let his problems get to me and I feel like they are somehow my fault.  Which is insane and clearly it is also driving me insane.  I need to let that go.

Along with letting go, I need to let Matt go because he is also driving me insane.  When we started talking he was allll about hanging out with me all the time.  And I was like, no.  Then I started to really like him.  Cool, whatever.  Then he stopped wanting to hang out as much.  I asked if he was done seeing me, he always said no.  Then wtf are you doing? It makes no sense.  Then, recently, we've only been hanging out when it's convenient for him.

Fuck that.  So yesterday I finally told him how I feel.  Of course, true Matt style (besides when he was trying to make me love him, or something), his responses are basically nothing.  I asked if he was done with me and he didn't even say yes or no.  He said I ask dumb questions.  The thing is, he knows that if he said yes, he's done with me that it wouldn't really bother me. I mean, it would, but I would get over it.  So whatever, I'm fucking done.  If he can't tell me how he feels about anything, then it's not worth me feeling anything. Or losing my fucking mind over it.

I actually told him I want to love him.  And I do want to.  He said he doesn't want to be loved.  Shut the fuck up.  Everyone wants to be loved.  Quit being a scared child.  If you think you don't want to be loved, you need to reevaluate your life, for real.  And also quit being a scared vagina.

Anyway, I'm not wasting time on that.  Even though I just did, but moving on.

So I'm having this intense meltdown and crying into my blankie and I flip over on my back and lay my hand on my chest.  And suddenly I remembered this quote I read that said when you can feel your beating heart to remember that you have purpose.  I felt washed over in love and calmness.  It was really, really an amazing moment.  It is actually bringing tears to my eyes right now because it was so pure and beautiful.

Then I remember quotes from Deepak about being present and whole and love.  It made me get up and get ready for the meeting I had to go to.

I won't say I feel 100% better because I don't.  I am a little afraid that the float this weekend might be like my disastrous Cardinals game last year, in which I managed to ruin about half of my life, in all areas of my life, in a matter of about 12 hours.  I hope to god that doesn't happen.

But I am working through it.  Without medication.  I will do it and I will be fine.  I am a whole person, working towards love.

I hate using the term love because it implies romantic love and that's rarely what I mean.

Either way, I'll keep on truckin towards happiness :-)