Intense and too much

If this makes no sense or isn't coherent, I don't care.

I fucking hate this time of year.  I don't know what it is.  Every year at this time, I have a pretty intense breakdown.  I can never figure out the root problem.  This is the time of year that I overdosed.  Almost every year at this time, I get back on medication.

I don't want to be on medication.  I'm done with it.  I need to work through this but I don't know how. 

Last year this time, Chris and I broke up after I had a meltdown and basically attacked him.  I went to the doctor and they prescribed me the usual.  I don't want to be medicated my whole life.  I always end up not taking it after awhile.

I have been taking herbal anti-anxiety supplements.  They seemed to be working.  Until now.

I thought this year would be different, being done with school and having a secure job.  I guess not though.  It's so fucking scary to me.  I hate feeling like this.  I constantly feel like I can't breathe.  I never feel at peace or like I can rest.  It's hard for me to eat.  I am snappy with people I care about.  I don't care about myself at all; I'm completely reckless.  I feel like there's no one I can talk to without burdening them.  I don't even want to talk to myself because I feel like every thought I have is deluded and insane.  I drive myself crazy worrying about things I can't control and that don't matter.

I also thought with the meditation and spiritual healing I am trying that it would be better at least.  But it doesn't seem to be. 

I literally don't know what to do.  I feel so insanely alone, even though I know that I am not.