No, no I really don't. But I don't care.
Wait.
Sometimes I have awesome decision making skills. Last night may have not been a good night for decision making. I stayed at the bar until it closed. I'm supposed to go to the Lady Antebellum concert tonight. Or should I say, I am going. If Ashley feels ok. Which I'm sure she will.
I really don't feel like going. I'm hungover. It's going to be 107 today. I do not want to go sit outside for several hours. Also I have no idea what the game plan is.
I don't know why I make all these plans and then don't feel like doing them. This week has kind of blown. I think I said it my last post that I've just felt "off". I still do. I don't like it. I can't figure out the source. Thought it was Chris, but I've talked to him. I don't want to strangle him any less, but at least I know what's going on.
I don't know what to do to fix this offness. It's starting to get me down. I know (I think?) it's normal to go through ups and downs. But I really don't feel like being depressed right now. And sometimes I get really depressed. I don't want to do that. I'm just trying to adjust to myself and be happy being me. It's hard to love yourself when you're depressed.
And dude. Like, what the fuck. I just want to go home right now and sleep forever.
I also feel like I haven't talked to Matt in forever. Which isn't really true, I just didn't talk to him yesterday. That drives me crazy though. Not that I need to talk to him every day. Because I don't. I don't know. Half of me wants to ignore him until he talks to me (which I know he will) and the other half of me just wants to call him to hang out because he makes me feel better.
I usually have a solution to these kinds of situations, but right now I just feel unhappy and run down. I would say maybe I'm feeling off because I'm going to start my period soon. But that rarely happens, so I don't know why it would now. I suppose it is possible though.
I did just have some kind of epiphany. Errity posted this little gem of an article: http://blogilates.com/motivational-2/finding-your-balance-why-you-shouldnt-be-obsessed-with-having-a-swimsuit-body In this middle of reading it I started thinking about how the pain in my body from running has been really getting me down. I tell people and they're like, "go to the doctor". I don't want to go to the doctor. It's expensive and all they do is give you some expensive solution. I just had hip surgery a year ago. I can't explain how badly I do not want to go to the doctor.
I know my body pretty well. I am not meant to run. I know this. But I enjoy running. So I try really, really hard to be able to. I bought arch supports on Monday because I was tired of my feet/knees/hip hurting. I get so pissed off at all these fucks that can just run all the time. I really should just give it up and start a new workout routine. But I don't want to. It's not fucking fair.
What is fair? Fuck.
I feel like my life is falling apart. I know it's my fault. And I know it's not really falling apart. I need to get out of this weirdness. It's making me so unhappy.
...............................
(*UPDATE*)
Oh Universe, you never cease to amaze me :-)
I am in a better mood suddenly. The all-staff meeting was cancelled. Then I read a quote from Peace Pilgrim, :-) who I just discovered and seems to be the most amazing lady ever. Well, she is dead now, but you know what I mean. The quote was "When you find peace within yourself, you become the kind of person who can live at peace with others". I don't know why, but that spoke to my spirit and made me smile and I feel better now for some reason.
This lady walked for 28 years in the name of peace. That's insane. And amazing. What a beautiful lady. Wikipedia says she died in a car accident. I find that to me somewhat ironic. Sychronicity at it's finest.
I also believe I received a message today and I believe that message was for me to "wait". I wrote it on my hand actually. When I was on Pinterest I saw several Pins that spoke to me about waiting and something on Facebook AND Twitter. So then I wrote it on my hand. On the way home (half day Friday!) I played my new favorite song Hold On by Alabama Shakes, you should give them a list if you haven't, and in the part of it she sings, "You gotta WAIT" lol. I was like, holy balls. I can't get away from it. So I'm waiting :-)
Thanks Universe, thanks Creator. Thanks for life.
Friday, June 29, 2012
Wednesday, June 27, 2012
Sexist as fuck
So I originally started this post talking about The Path to Love which I'm still reading, but now I would like to once again talk about THE GAME. Which, by the way, is a complete 180 from talking about the book. Oh well.
Not the dating game, though. The "I'm a dumb fucking guy" game. Which I know is super sexist, but really. Guys fucking floor me. And not in a sexual, sexy, fuck-me-on-the-floor way. Floor like, you make me wanna put my gas pedal to the floor and run off a cliff, killing myself and maybe you too, kind of way.
I am going to try to separate all of these instances, but they all kind of intertwine, so it may be hard. That being said, I'll start with Lance, Ashley's cousin, who I went to the wedding with. I have been politely ignoring him since the wedding. He's asked me to go to the lake orrrr whatever. I tell him I'm busy. Guys don't usually respond well when you tell them you're seeing someone. They usually respond with something like, "So, he doesn't have to know", like Brian did. Which is usually my frame of mind too, but so far that's gotten me no where so I'm giving up that behavior. It is also really shitty.
I finally just gave in and told him I was seeing someone, and true to belief HE SAID IT (literally as I was typing this), "You don't have to lie, just don't tell him". Fuck. Fuck you guys! Also, saying things like, "You are really beautiful" or "I liked hanging out with you, you're an interesting girl", while true, does not disguise the fact that really, you just want to fuck me. That is good and well, BUT...BUT...please shut up. OBVIOUSLY I know I can fuck someone and not tell Matt. But I don't want to, and he wouldn't do that to me. So stop. Also, it makes you look sad and pathetic. Anyway, I finally got him to stop.
Next...Chris. I think I mentioned the other day that I shouldn't have asked him to kill the snake. I stand by that statement. Sunday he asked me to come over. WHY, I will never know. Obviously, I didn't go. That would be strange and awkward (such is my life, clearly). Also, he hasn't paid the phone bill. AND NOW IT'S LATE. If you want to be chummy with me, then get shit done. Oh my God, I cannot even begin to express the anger that I feel right now. I have called him NO LESS than 15 times. I've left THREE voicemails and sent four texts since yesterday. DO NOT FUCK WITH ME, I GET SHIT DONE.
Also, what is with your tiny bird-brained mind? If you can't pay your fucking bills on time, why would I ever want to be with you?! I don't want kids, let alone a full-grown man who can't even wipe his own ass. Why does this not make perfect sense?
THEN I call his work. Because, once again, don't fuck with me. I will find you. I will make your life hell. After spending four years with me, you think he would know this. So he calls me from his co-workers phone. COOL. He told me his phone wasn't working about 10 days ago. Then, after he killed the snake, suddenly, it worked perfectly. Perfectly enough for him to text me every day. UNTIL THE FUCKING PHONE BILL WAS LATE. Then it stopped working. Weird. And totalllyyy believable.
After I laid into him for several minutes he said he was "busy" last night and didn't have time to pay the bill. That's funny because I happen to know he got paid on the 15th. Today is the 27th. Sooooo, what is it he's been doing that has kept him busy for the past 12 days straight??? And remind me again why he couldn't just be responsible and pay the fucking bill without my harassment. Or....ORRRRR get a hold of me and let me know exactly what the fuck is going on and why? Why act like it's such an inconvenience for me to call WHEN IT'S YOUR RESPONSIBILITY. Oh God, I'm giving myself a migraine.
Am I a dumbass? What am I putting out that is reflecting such stupidity back to me? I cannot fucking WAIT until this phone contract is up and the stupid fucking TV is paid off so I never have to talk to him again. I never thought I would say that. But for God's sake, BE A MAN. Maybe don't even be a man, be a fucking functioning member of society. No one's going to wipe your ass forever, especially not me.
I was also going to talk about Matt. But, actually, right now I want to squeeze him for not being annoying/dumb as fuck. It's refreshing. I'll take that a sign from the Universe (multiverse ;-) ) that I should love him and we should be together forever.
Because if guys can be bat-shit crazy, why can't I?
Although, I'm pretty sure that it was clear before that I am pretty crazy.
Not the dating game, though. The "I'm a dumb fucking guy" game. Which I know is super sexist, but really. Guys fucking floor me. And not in a sexual, sexy, fuck-me-on-the-floor way. Floor like, you make me wanna put my gas pedal to the floor and run off a cliff, killing myself and maybe you too, kind of way.
I am going to try to separate all of these instances, but they all kind of intertwine, so it may be hard. That being said, I'll start with Lance, Ashley's cousin, who I went to the wedding with. I have been politely ignoring him since the wedding. He's asked me to go to the lake orrrr whatever. I tell him I'm busy. Guys don't usually respond well when you tell them you're seeing someone. They usually respond with something like, "So, he doesn't have to know", like Brian did. Which is usually my frame of mind too, but so far that's gotten me no where so I'm giving up that behavior. It is also really shitty.
I finally just gave in and told him I was seeing someone, and true to belief HE SAID IT (literally as I was typing this), "You don't have to lie, just don't tell him". Fuck. Fuck you guys! Also, saying things like, "You are really beautiful" or "I liked hanging out with you, you're an interesting girl", while true, does not disguise the fact that really, you just want to fuck me. That is good and well, BUT...BUT...please shut up. OBVIOUSLY I know I can fuck someone and not tell Matt. But I don't want to, and he wouldn't do that to me. So stop. Also, it makes you look sad and pathetic. Anyway, I finally got him to stop.
Next...Chris. I think I mentioned the other day that I shouldn't have asked him to kill the snake. I stand by that statement. Sunday he asked me to come over. WHY, I will never know. Obviously, I didn't go. That would be strange and awkward (such is my life, clearly). Also, he hasn't paid the phone bill. AND NOW IT'S LATE. If you want to be chummy with me, then get shit done. Oh my God, I cannot even begin to express the anger that I feel right now. I have called him NO LESS than 15 times. I've left THREE voicemails and sent four texts since yesterday. DO NOT FUCK WITH ME, I GET SHIT DONE.
Also, what is with your tiny bird-brained mind? If you can't pay your fucking bills on time, why would I ever want to be with you?! I don't want kids, let alone a full-grown man who can't even wipe his own ass. Why does this not make perfect sense?
THEN I call his work. Because, once again, don't fuck with me. I will find you. I will make your life hell. After spending four years with me, you think he would know this. So he calls me from his co-workers phone. COOL. He told me his phone wasn't working about 10 days ago. Then, after he killed the snake, suddenly, it worked perfectly. Perfectly enough for him to text me every day. UNTIL THE FUCKING PHONE BILL WAS LATE. Then it stopped working. Weird. And totalllyyy believable.
After I laid into him for several minutes he said he was "busy" last night and didn't have time to pay the bill. That's funny because I happen to know he got paid on the 15th. Today is the 27th. Sooooo, what is it he's been doing that has kept him busy for the past 12 days straight??? And remind me again why he couldn't just be responsible and pay the fucking bill without my harassment. Or....ORRRRR get a hold of me and let me know exactly what the fuck is going on and why? Why act like it's such an inconvenience for me to call WHEN IT'S YOUR RESPONSIBILITY. Oh God, I'm giving myself a migraine.
Am I a dumbass? What am I putting out that is reflecting such stupidity back to me? I cannot fucking WAIT until this phone contract is up and the stupid fucking TV is paid off so I never have to talk to him again. I never thought I would say that. But for God's sake, BE A MAN. Maybe don't even be a man, be a fucking functioning member of society. No one's going to wipe your ass forever, especially not me.
I was also going to talk about Matt. But, actually, right now I want to squeeze him for not being annoying/dumb as fuck. It's refreshing. I'll take that a sign from the Universe (multiverse ;-) ) that I should love him and we should be together forever.
Because if guys can be bat-shit crazy, why can't I?
Although, I'm pretty sure that it was clear before that I am pretty crazy.
Tuesday, June 26, 2012
All along we talked of forever
Something is off and it's affecting me. I know what it is.
I shouldn't have called Chris to kill the snake. He has been talking to me, a lot. He asked me to come over the other day.
It's not that I hate him. I don't hate anyone. And I don't even dislike him. Or have any reason to hate/dislike him. I just know I can't talk to him like a friend, like I want to, because of his emotional attachment to me.
He says he's over it, but that can't be true. And if we do hang out...what are we going to do anyway? It just seems like it would be strange and awkward to me. And I don't want him to think there's a chance that we'll get back together. Because we won't. I am done with that relationship; it was serving me no purpose.
I read something (probably an OMG fact on Twitter or something dumb lol) that said it takes something like 17 months and so many days to get over a long term relationship. I mean, I broke up with Chris, so I think it's different. But I do still care about him.
What I hate is my family caring. When I told my mom he had been talking to me and asked me to come over, she was like, "Awww...you don't like him at all anymore?" but it's not about that. They don't get it. I was with him for four years, of course I care about him. Like I said, it wasn't serving me any purpose. I felt stuck; I was stuck. You should be able to grow and evolve in relationships. Not feel stuck.
I still feel that this is some kind of blockage in my life though. I hate it because I don't know what to do about it.
I can say I know why I am in love with Matt, but don't want to be in a serious relationship with him. It's because I am afraid to fall into that same rut that I did with Chris. And I feel as if that will happen if I don't discover and love myself first.
I don't know. I am in a really good mood today, but I feel really "off" for some reason.
I shouldn't have called Chris to kill the snake. He has been talking to me, a lot. He asked me to come over the other day.
It's not that I hate him. I don't hate anyone. And I don't even dislike him. Or have any reason to hate/dislike him. I just know I can't talk to him like a friend, like I want to, because of his emotional attachment to me.
He says he's over it, but that can't be true. And if we do hang out...what are we going to do anyway? It just seems like it would be strange and awkward to me. And I don't want him to think there's a chance that we'll get back together. Because we won't. I am done with that relationship; it was serving me no purpose.
I read something (probably an OMG fact on Twitter or something dumb lol) that said it takes something like 17 months and so many days to get over a long term relationship. I mean, I broke up with Chris, so I think it's different. But I do still care about him.
What I hate is my family caring. When I told my mom he had been talking to me and asked me to come over, she was like, "Awww...you don't like him at all anymore?" but it's not about that. They don't get it. I was with him for four years, of course I care about him. Like I said, it wasn't serving me any purpose. I felt stuck; I was stuck. You should be able to grow and evolve in relationships. Not feel stuck.
I still feel that this is some kind of blockage in my life though. I hate it because I don't know what to do about it.
I can say I know why I am in love with Matt, but don't want to be in a serious relationship with him. It's because I am afraid to fall into that same rut that I did with Chris. And I feel as if that will happen if I don't discover and love myself first.
I don't know. I am in a really good mood today, but I feel really "off" for some reason.
Monday, June 25, 2012
Failed to mention
In one of my posts from last week I talked about how I meditated on the heart, as suggested by Deepak Chopra, and what an amazing experience it was. However, I failed to mention something else about that experience.
Right before I meditated, I also watched Ask Teal's vlog. It was part two of a two part segment. The first was about the existence of demons, the second about the existence of angels. In both she says that both demons and angels do exist, but demons are brought on by our negative frequencies, while angels are light beings. She talked about how "angels" communicate, often through signs. She specifically said, to my excitement, that 11:11 is often a time when they communicate with you because 11 is a divine number :-) That thought still makes me smile. She said they communicate through other signs, and that nothing should be thought of as a coincidence and if you ask a question and meditate on it, you often get an answer in the form of a sign.
After my heart meditation, I sat in silence for awhile because the experience was so overpowering, yet it allowed me to really be at peace with myself and clear my mind, which is usually hard for me to do. After the silence, when I still felt the oneness, I decided to ask some questions and see if I received any answers then, or throughout my day.
The one synchronicity that I experienced was really overpowering. I had asked if I should continue talking to Matt, if that experience was aiding me in my life purpose, or whether I should let the situation fade away. This makes me feel really lame, because I tend to shy away from my emotions, but it was pretty errie. So I was with Ashley going to Fairview and she had her phone on random on some playlist. There were two country songs and then a Taking Back Sunday song. Matt and I both really like TBS, but so do a lot of people (like, Ashley, obviously). What was more strange though was that the song was "Ghost Man on Third", which is the song that Matt has some of the lyrics tattooed on his arm.
Sometimes I have this weird thing happen to my body, and this was one of those times. This weird tingly, chill sensation washes over my body and I start to blackout. I have never actually blacked out, but my vision goes dark and I hear a loud buzzing noise for a few seconds. It's really weird. Then I got goosebumps....so that's kind of how that went.
In other news of things I don't want to talk about...I told Matt I loved him...again. But I wasn't on Xanax. I was a little drunk, but I meant it. He response was, "Did you take Xanax" lol. The next day I reaffirmed that I meant it and he said he knew. I didn't talk to him for the rest of the day, but he told me goodnight. That was Saturday. I talked to him a little yesterday and when I stopped responding he told me goodnight.
I don't think he quite knows what to think about it really. Which is fine, I just have been thinking about it for awhile and I can't keep my mouth shut. And besides, it's true. As a culture, we are conditioned to believe that you can only really, truly love one person. That is the dumbest fucking thing I've ever heard. Who's only been in love with one person? Even if you marry your "first love", which I know many people who have and are still together, you can't say you don't love anyone else. If we can love our significant other, our family, friends, children, etc, isn't it ridiculous to say we only have the capacity to love one person? It is.
That being said, Matt might think I'm crazy, but I guess he's ok with it. I'm not crazy, I'm expressive and fun. So.
Right before I meditated, I also watched Ask Teal's vlog. It was part two of a two part segment. The first was about the existence of demons, the second about the existence of angels. In both she says that both demons and angels do exist, but demons are brought on by our negative frequencies, while angels are light beings. She talked about how "angels" communicate, often through signs. She specifically said, to my excitement, that 11:11 is often a time when they communicate with you because 11 is a divine number :-) That thought still makes me smile. She said they communicate through other signs, and that nothing should be thought of as a coincidence and if you ask a question and meditate on it, you often get an answer in the form of a sign.
After my heart meditation, I sat in silence for awhile because the experience was so overpowering, yet it allowed me to really be at peace with myself and clear my mind, which is usually hard for me to do. After the silence, when I still felt the oneness, I decided to ask some questions and see if I received any answers then, or throughout my day.
The one synchronicity that I experienced was really overpowering. I had asked if I should continue talking to Matt, if that experience was aiding me in my life purpose, or whether I should let the situation fade away. This makes me feel really lame, because I tend to shy away from my emotions, but it was pretty errie. So I was with Ashley going to Fairview and she had her phone on random on some playlist. There were two country songs and then a Taking Back Sunday song. Matt and I both really like TBS, but so do a lot of people (like, Ashley, obviously). What was more strange though was that the song was "Ghost Man on Third", which is the song that Matt has some of the lyrics tattooed on his arm.
Sometimes I have this weird thing happen to my body, and this was one of those times. This weird tingly, chill sensation washes over my body and I start to blackout. I have never actually blacked out, but my vision goes dark and I hear a loud buzzing noise for a few seconds. It's really weird. Then I got goosebumps....so that's kind of how that went.
In other news of things I don't want to talk about...I told Matt I loved him...again. But I wasn't on Xanax. I was a little drunk, but I meant it. He response was, "Did you take Xanax" lol. The next day I reaffirmed that I meant it and he said he knew. I didn't talk to him for the rest of the day, but he told me goodnight. That was Saturday. I talked to him a little yesterday and when I stopped responding he told me goodnight.
I don't think he quite knows what to think about it really. Which is fine, I just have been thinking about it for awhile and I can't keep my mouth shut. And besides, it's true. As a culture, we are conditioned to believe that you can only really, truly love one person. That is the dumbest fucking thing I've ever heard. Who's only been in love with one person? Even if you marry your "first love", which I know many people who have and are still together, you can't say you don't love anyone else. If we can love our significant other, our family, friends, children, etc, isn't it ridiculous to say we only have the capacity to love one person? It is.
That being said, Matt might think I'm crazy, but I guess he's ok with it. I'm not crazy, I'm expressive and fun. So.
Friday, June 22, 2012
This is random
Isn't it weird how people are both very different but also the same? I mean, I believe that we're all connected and of one conscious mind, but as far as our humanness goes and not our spirit-ness. Our humanness is very different.
Today, my boss asked if we (Amy and me), thought it was morbid that she has thought about what she would say at her husband's funeral. I didn't think it was morbid (neither did Amy), but I thought it was kind of weird. Probably because I don't have a husband so why would I think about that?
Before we left for lunch & the Red Cross, I was looking at how to donate your body to the forensic anthropology center aka The Body Farm in Tennessee. Is that morbid? I mean, we're all going to (physically) die, so why not think about it? I didn't voice this to them, I don't feel that I know them well enough for them to know how strange I really am.
But as for people being different; I wonder why people (mostly females) waste so much time with being concerned about what other people think. I started thinking about it when my boss mentioned that she was going out of town this weekend and hoped she didn't bruise too badly from the blood donation. She said it was vain (lolllololll - I am such a nerd) but I got where she was coming from, kind of. I can see why you might care, but I don't.
Just like I don't care what color Ashley paints her nails; I don't even think about my nails. Or care. Seems like a waste of time/energy to me. I mean, don't get me wrong. If I'm going out, I like to look nice. If it's a special occasion, it matters to me how I look. But on a day to day basis, or if I'm just going somewhere mundane, I could really, really care less.
On a typical work day (no outings or meetings), I wake up at about 7:45. I leave my house by 8:00. My hair might be dirty. I don't care. There are 10 people other than myself in this building. I rarely leave my office. Why put time and effort into it when I could be sleeping?!
Even my family is caught up in that whole...appearance thing. My grandma and mom don't leave the house without make up. I can say, I have worn off on my mom a little bit. On occasion she will run errands after working out or not take a shower on a lazy day.
However, my grandma presents everything as if life was straight out of Better Homes and Gardens. No shit. I mean, she has never worked, so she has the time. I guess it's like her hobby, so I can't really come down on it. It's just material and strange to me. I will never decorate for every damn holiday or wake up at 6am just to get ready for the day, when the day doesn't start until 8:30. How exhausting.
.........
Completely unrelated, but sometimes I literally have this to remember my thoughts. SO I was laying in bed reading and Matt text me saying that we should just have sex all tomorrow night (which is Friday). UH DUH.
This presents many problems for me. For one, I have plans with Ashley. She is really excited about this. I mean, she'll go whether I do or not. But I know she really wants me to go. BUT...and here is the biggest problem...I would rather hang out with Matt.
This is really two problems in itself. One, because my loyalties should be to Ashley, who will be super pissed at me, and two, alskdjvdihviudfhvajng. Two - I don't know how I feel about knowing how I feel about the situation. Read that again, it does make sense. I want to punch myself in the face for feeling the way I do, for real.
THAT being said, if I was on AIM or something, I would email both my convo with him and Shaila to myself. Shaila is killing me right now with her love wisdom. It both makes me want to squeeze her, and maybe squeeze her a little too hard so she can't breathe :-)
I love Shaila and her like-mindedness to me. And, I love Matt and his ability to surprise me. That was totally puke worthy.
I told Shaila that I had to tell her, because I had to tell someone, that I was going to hang out with Matt over Ashley. She said, "who the fuck are you"? lol and with good point, I don't do that shit. And I also said, idk what is wrong with me?! To which she said that I love him and am "dick whipped"...what a bitch! Which I said to her. The she launched into something like, "You can't help it, you cannot control all of your emotions or reactions, get used to it. It's not like he's getting the best of you, you mutually like each other. So let go and enjoy it and stop analyzing". Then told me to ditch my friends for a guy just like any other girl with a crush would do. Do I hug or punch her? :-) OH and she told me she was happy to see me enjoying myself and engaging with someone. Damnit Shay!
I don't know why I am so guarded with Matt. Well, maybe I do. I am not usually like that though. And Shaila is right, I can't always have control over how I feel. I think that's my biggest problem. I didn't want to feel like this. Therefore, it shouldn't happen. It's almost best case scenario though. As I said before, Matt's not invasive. I still get to be me and figure out me, by myself. He gets his space. I do wish that I was a little more open with him and he was a little more open with me. But he may not be open because I'm not, who knows. Reflection, right?
Either way, Happy Friday :-)
Today, my boss asked if we (Amy and me), thought it was morbid that she has thought about what she would say at her husband's funeral. I didn't think it was morbid (neither did Amy), but I thought it was kind of weird. Probably because I don't have a husband so why would I think about that?
Before we left for lunch & the Red Cross, I was looking at how to donate your body to the forensic anthropology center aka The Body Farm in Tennessee. Is that morbid? I mean, we're all going to (physically) die, so why not think about it? I didn't voice this to them, I don't feel that I know them well enough for them to know how strange I really am.
But as for people being different; I wonder why people (mostly females) waste so much time with being concerned about what other people think. I started thinking about it when my boss mentioned that she was going out of town this weekend and hoped she didn't bruise too badly from the blood donation. She said it was vain (lolllololll - I am such a nerd) but I got where she was coming from, kind of. I can see why you might care, but I don't.
Just like I don't care what color Ashley paints her nails; I don't even think about my nails. Or care. Seems like a waste of time/energy to me. I mean, don't get me wrong. If I'm going out, I like to look nice. If it's a special occasion, it matters to me how I look. But on a day to day basis, or if I'm just going somewhere mundane, I could really, really care less.
On a typical work day (no outings or meetings), I wake up at about 7:45. I leave my house by 8:00. My hair might be dirty. I don't care. There are 10 people other than myself in this building. I rarely leave my office. Why put time and effort into it when I could be sleeping?!
Even my family is caught up in that whole...appearance thing. My grandma and mom don't leave the house without make up. I can say, I have worn off on my mom a little bit. On occasion she will run errands after working out or not take a shower on a lazy day.
However, my grandma presents everything as if life was straight out of Better Homes and Gardens. No shit. I mean, she has never worked, so she has the time. I guess it's like her hobby, so I can't really come down on it. It's just material and strange to me. I will never decorate for every damn holiday or wake up at 6am just to get ready for the day, when the day doesn't start until 8:30. How exhausting.
.........
Completely unrelated, but sometimes I literally have this to remember my thoughts. SO I was laying in bed reading and Matt text me saying that we should just have sex all tomorrow night (which is Friday). UH DUH.
This presents many problems for me. For one, I have plans with Ashley. She is really excited about this. I mean, she'll go whether I do or not. But I know she really wants me to go. BUT...and here is the biggest problem...I would rather hang out with Matt.
This is really two problems in itself. One, because my loyalties should be to Ashley, who will be super pissed at me, and two, alskdjvdihviudfhvajng. Two - I don't know how I feel about knowing how I feel about the situation. Read that again, it does make sense. I want to punch myself in the face for feeling the way I do, for real.
THAT being said, if I was on AIM or something, I would email both my convo with him and Shaila to myself. Shaila is killing me right now with her love wisdom. It both makes me want to squeeze her, and maybe squeeze her a little too hard so she can't breathe :-)
I love Shaila and her like-mindedness to me. And, I love Matt and his ability to surprise me. That was totally puke worthy.
I told Shaila that I had to tell her, because I had to tell someone, that I was going to hang out with Matt over Ashley. She said, "who the fuck are you"? lol and with good point, I don't do that shit. And I also said, idk what is wrong with me?! To which she said that I love him and am "dick whipped"...what a bitch! Which I said to her. The she launched into something like, "You can't help it, you cannot control all of your emotions or reactions, get used to it. It's not like he's getting the best of you, you mutually like each other. So let go and enjoy it and stop analyzing". Then told me to ditch my friends for a guy just like any other girl with a crush would do. Do I hug or punch her? :-) OH and she told me she was happy to see me enjoying myself and engaging with someone. Damnit Shay!
I don't know why I am so guarded with Matt. Well, maybe I do. I am not usually like that though. And Shaila is right, I can't always have control over how I feel. I think that's my biggest problem. I didn't want to feel like this. Therefore, it shouldn't happen. It's almost best case scenario though. As I said before, Matt's not invasive. I still get to be me and figure out me, by myself. He gets his space. I do wish that I was a little more open with him and he was a little more open with me. But he may not be open because I'm not, who knows. Reflection, right?
Either way, Happy Friday :-)
Thursday, June 21, 2012
Plug for Oakes
Last week at the ALA we found out one of our Lung Champions, Oakes Ortyl, passed away. Oakes was 15 months old and had a congenital heart defect called truncus arteriosus, as well as a tracheal defect called complete tracheal rings and severe pulmonary vein stenosis, which meant that Oakes had to have a double lung transplant.
http://www.mightyoakes.org/
The Mighty Oakes survived his double lung transplant and two open heart surgeries all before reaching five months old.
Sadly, June 6th of 2012, Oakes passed away. http://www.legacy.com/obituaries/stltoday/obituary.aspx?n=oakes-lee-ortyl&pid=158028200
His family started the Might Oakes Foundation in July in 2011 and their mission is to provide financial support to help families coping with the traumatic reality of congenital heart defect as well as to provide funding support for research focused on improving the diagnosis and treatment of congenital heart defects. They are a small foundation with great aspirations.
Today, I am going with two coworkers to donate blood in honor of Oakes. We will also be sending a card, with money collected at work, to his family.
While I am am certain that life does not end after biological death, I am still extremely saddened by the loss of this little boy. His family went through great measures to insure his comfort in life and I feel sad for them, as well as his little sister, who is only two years older than Oakes.
Oakes' strength and will to survive can only be attributed to one thing, and that is love. If we all gave and felt the love that Oakes put out, it would be a happier world. So today, you should be thankful for your life and contribute to someone else's life. Whether through a donation, paying for someone behind you at a drive-thru, hugging someone, or just telling someone you care, be thankful for every day and make other's thankful for theirs.
http://www.mightyoakes.org/
The Mighty Oakes survived his double lung transplant and two open heart surgeries all before reaching five months old.
Sadly, June 6th of 2012, Oakes passed away. http://www.legacy.com/obituaries/stltoday/obituary.aspx?n=oakes-lee-ortyl&pid=158028200
His family started the Might Oakes Foundation in July in 2011 and their mission is to provide financial support to help families coping with the traumatic reality of congenital heart defect as well as to provide funding support for research focused on improving the diagnosis and treatment of congenital heart defects. They are a small foundation with great aspirations.
Today, I am going with two coworkers to donate blood in honor of Oakes. We will also be sending a card, with money collected at work, to his family.
While I am am certain that life does not end after biological death, I am still extremely saddened by the loss of this little boy. His family went through great measures to insure his comfort in life and I feel sad for them, as well as his little sister, who is only two years older than Oakes.
Oakes' strength and will to survive can only be attributed to one thing, and that is love. If we all gave and felt the love that Oakes put out, it would be a happier world. So today, you should be thankful for your life and contribute to someone else's life. Whether through a donation, paying for someone behind you at a drive-thru, hugging someone, or just telling someone you care, be thankful for every day and make other's thankful for theirs.
Wednesday, June 20, 2012
All by myself
My parents are in Jamaica this week. I decided not to go because I spend way too much time with them. Plus, I had no one to go with really. So I stayed to watch the house and I took some says off from work to relax in silence. It has been a nice growing experience. Today is my first day back at work.
I spent a lot of time with Ashley because I was bored out of my mind. Last night I hung out with Matt. A lot of time I just spent alone, reading, watching tv, meditating, whatever. It was nice, even though I was bored. Definitely makes me feel more independent and self-sufficient.
Monday though, I had a mini-meltdown. Let me start with Sunday. Sunday was Father's Day. Obviously my dad was gone & so was Ashley's, so we went to dinner together. I got drunk by myself after that because I was bored and depressed about being alone b/c Matt went to Danny's or something.
So Monday I wake up, bored as fuck again. Run, shower, etc. Go outside to feed fish, let cat out. Cat was stalking something near the pond...OH IT'S A SNAKE. With one of our pond-fish in it's mouth. Grab cat, throw her inside, proceed to freak out majorly.
I am not particularly afraid of snakes. But that doesn't mean I want them near me or my cat. Also, it was a Northern Water Snake, so while it's not poisonous, it has an anticoagulant in it's venom, making it easier to bleed to death if it bites you, as well as one of the most painful bites. ALSOOO, I used to have terrifying dreams of snakes biting me, so that kind of ruined snakes for me. And it was eating our fish.
So I freak out and call Chris because he's a snake catcher or something (not really, he likes to do that) and after some convincing, he comes over and kills it. I still feel bad about the dead snake. But the neighbor boys had relocated it and it came back, so, sorry snakey.
Anyway, seeing Chris was strange and I've been kind of cry-ey lately (not a word, I know). So after he left I promptly started bawling hysterically and I don't even know why. I'm not attracted to him anymore. I think it was just memories and companionship. I mean, we were really close. Too close really. That's what made it not fun anymore. We were like, the same. That's not healthy in a relationship.
I was also irritated I hadn't heard from Matt. So Ash came over to keep me company around 9, about the same time Matt text me to come over, duh. Fucker. I didn't go, obviously. I wouldn't have even if Ashley didn't come over. That shit annoys me.
I did, however, hang out with him last night. Apparently I was kind of drunk because I feel kind of shitty today and I'm extremely tired. Figures, first day at work this week. Whatever though. Sex would have been better, but I didn't feel like having sex last night.
So I noticed something last night, and I told Shaila about it. Her response was unsatisfactory, though I'm not sure what would have been a satisfactory answer. Anyway, when I'm not with Matt, I don't really care. I mean, yeah, I want to hang out with him and sometimes I miss him, but it's not like, super intense or anything. But when I'm with him I want to be with him forever, in an intense way.
This is strange to me because I've never really felt like that. I'm not sure what it's about? Maybe I am fighting my feelings for him (or scared) and when I'm with him I can't? I don't know. I don't want to think about it really.
Moving on (away) from that topic.
Friday I'm supposed to go out with Ashley and her friend Katie from work. Actually, I think we'll be living with Katie come February. Anyway, I can't decide if I want to go or not. For several reasons, all equal. My parents come home Sat, I don't want to be too hungover to pick shit up, not that it's really messy. I would kind of like to hang out with Matt before my parents come home and have crazy sex with him. This is kind of an expectation, and I shouldn't have it and should probably let it go. Lori also has a Girl's Night planned for Sat. I would like to go, but know I won't go if I am hungover.
BUTTTT if I don't go, Ashley is going to be super mad. Which is fucking lameeeee! Maybe I could go for a little bit and then come home? That's not a bad idea. Or go out and if Matt gets ahold of me come home? But pretend I'm not coming home to hang with him because that's lame? Fuck. This is stupid.
I spent a lot of time with Ashley because I was bored out of my mind. Last night I hung out with Matt. A lot of time I just spent alone, reading, watching tv, meditating, whatever. It was nice, even though I was bored. Definitely makes me feel more independent and self-sufficient.
Monday though, I had a mini-meltdown. Let me start with Sunday. Sunday was Father's Day. Obviously my dad was gone & so was Ashley's, so we went to dinner together. I got drunk by myself after that because I was bored and depressed about being alone b/c Matt went to Danny's or something.
So Monday I wake up, bored as fuck again. Run, shower, etc. Go outside to feed fish, let cat out. Cat was stalking something near the pond...OH IT'S A SNAKE. With one of our pond-fish in it's mouth. Grab cat, throw her inside, proceed to freak out majorly.
I am not particularly afraid of snakes. But that doesn't mean I want them near me or my cat. Also, it was a Northern Water Snake, so while it's not poisonous, it has an anticoagulant in it's venom, making it easier to bleed to death if it bites you, as well as one of the most painful bites. ALSOOO, I used to have terrifying dreams of snakes biting me, so that kind of ruined snakes for me. And it was eating our fish.
So I freak out and call Chris because he's a snake catcher or something (not really, he likes to do that) and after some convincing, he comes over and kills it. I still feel bad about the dead snake. But the neighbor boys had relocated it and it came back, so, sorry snakey.
Anyway, seeing Chris was strange and I've been kind of cry-ey lately (not a word, I know). So after he left I promptly started bawling hysterically and I don't even know why. I'm not attracted to him anymore. I think it was just memories and companionship. I mean, we were really close. Too close really. That's what made it not fun anymore. We were like, the same. That's not healthy in a relationship.
I was also irritated I hadn't heard from Matt. So Ash came over to keep me company around 9, about the same time Matt text me to come over, duh. Fucker. I didn't go, obviously. I wouldn't have even if Ashley didn't come over. That shit annoys me.
I did, however, hang out with him last night. Apparently I was kind of drunk because I feel kind of shitty today and I'm extremely tired. Figures, first day at work this week. Whatever though. Sex would have been better, but I didn't feel like having sex last night.
So I noticed something last night, and I told Shaila about it. Her response was unsatisfactory, though I'm not sure what would have been a satisfactory answer. Anyway, when I'm not with Matt, I don't really care. I mean, yeah, I want to hang out with him and sometimes I miss him, but it's not like, super intense or anything. But when I'm with him I want to be with him forever, in an intense way.
This is strange to me because I've never really felt like that. I'm not sure what it's about? Maybe I am fighting my feelings for him (or scared) and when I'm with him I can't? I don't know. I don't want to think about it really.
Moving on (away) from that topic.
Friday I'm supposed to go out with Ashley and her friend Katie from work. Actually, I think we'll be living with Katie come February. Anyway, I can't decide if I want to go or not. For several reasons, all equal. My parents come home Sat, I don't want to be too hungover to pick shit up, not that it's really messy. I would kind of like to hang out with Matt before my parents come home and have crazy sex with him. This is kind of an expectation, and I shouldn't have it and should probably let it go. Lori also has a Girl's Night planned for Sat. I would like to go, but know I won't go if I am hungover.
BUTTTT if I don't go, Ashley is going to be super mad. Which is fucking lameeeee! Maybe I could go for a little bit and then come home? That's not a bad idea. Or go out and if Matt gets ahold of me come home? But pretend I'm not coming home to hang with him because that's lame? Fuck. This is stupid.
Sunday, June 17, 2012
Meditating on the Heart
I probably shouldn't be writing/publishing this while drinking. But I am. Let me apologize now if it makes no sense or is grammatically horrid.
As I've mentioned before, I've been reading Chopra's The Path to Love. It's eye-opening and mind-expanding. I love it. In one chapter he talks about how to meditate on your heart. This kind of meditation is different than traditional meditation in that you are focusing on your heart and asking it to speak to you, whereas in traditional meditation you are clearing your mind and thinking/expecting nothing.
Chopra talks about how when you meditate on your heart, you focus, basically, on your heart chakra and it's ability to flow energy through your body. When you are relaxed, you ask for it to speak to you. He describes how a flood of emotions may envelope you, you may become physically uncomfortable or nothing at all could happen. He says these things are normal and to continue unless you are under intense, abnormal physical pain.
So today, instead of doing traditional meditation, I meditated on my heart. To be honest, I didn't expect much. I am not very good at meditating. It's hard for me to be silent and clear my mind. I think this was easier because I had something to focus on; my heart.
I let my mind wander through many emotions. I can't say all were sad, but all invoked sadness, because they were obviously memories and not the present. We all become at least a little attached to our past and memories. Many of them brought tears to my eyes, but nothing over powering.
About half way through, I had an emotion hit me like I have never had in my life. Chopra mentions that when you meditate on the heart, sometimes repressed memories are surfaced. I would say that today, I scratched the surface of a repressed memory.
I can't go into a lot of detail right now because it's still very fresh and very painful. I didn't even tell Ashley about it because it's very upsetting to me. I do know that Chopra said that as painful as it is, it is cleansing your heart and helping you to heal from the pain from the experience. So, for that reason, I am thankful for the memory.
I will continue to do this type of meditation, as I feel it is important to my personal growth. I spread the word through my enlightened Facebook group, and I hope that they see its importance. If you are reading this, I hope you see it too.
To be whole, you must cleanse your soul <3
Friday, June 15, 2012
Idk what to name this
The office is so quiet today. There is like, no one here. And it's half day Friday. Painful.
Before I discuss what I really want to talk about, I want to bitch for a second. And before I bitch, I want to state that I am bad at "the game". What game? Idk, the dating game apparently. Or...theeee....we're not really dating game? I don't fucking know, but I'm bad at it.
Matt and I hung out 6 days in a row. SIX! And he asked me to hang out pretty much all of those days. Which is fine, cool, whatever. I usually don't have much going on, so if you ask me to hang out, chances are I'm going to say yes. Anyway, six days in a row. No hangout Wednesday though, but I talked to him that day. Yesterday, Thursday, nothing. All day, nothing.
WHAT IS THIS GAME?! Does he want space? I didn't ask him to hang out six days in a row, if he needs space, that's his own fault. Am I supposed to get ahold of him? Again, wtf IS this?!
As far as expectations, I have none really. I am just confused. Is that an expectation? I mean...I guess him talking to me is an expectation. I am trying really hard not to have expectations. Damn, it's hard. Especially when I know he obviously likes me, but I don't know what I want out of the situation, let alone what he wants.
I do know that he doesn't want me to have sex with anyone else. Normally, that's fine. But Brian is in town and litterally badgering me to have sex with him. Like, every night he texts me. And I am having this internal struggle because I know Matt would get mad, and I don't want to make him mad or upset because I really like him. BUT...if we aren't together, and we've been seeing each other for like...almost three months, why the fuck shouldn't I?
I know that your relationships are a reflection of yourself. I know that I am having and issue with this because I, myself, don't know what I want. That would lead me to believe that he doesn't know either; reflection. I don't know how to determine what I want either. But I do know that this game is killing me. I do know that even though I'm attracted to Brian, I would rather not have sex with him for fear or losing Matt. And that kind of scares me. I don't want to think about this anymore. At all.
So moving on.
Last night, I went to the soft opening of the 2nd Global Brew location. It was a lot of fun. I went with Ashley, Courtney and Shannan. We stayed until about...9? 10? I have no idea. Then we went to some place called...Silver Creek? Did I make that up? Idk it's a bar that has a nursing home sounding name. Some dude showed up with Shannan, Amy came, which is amazing, and Ashley had a fish named Chris show up. He seemed nice.
Courtney and I were talking about Josh. She said she has accepted his death at this point. I feel sad for her and her mom. I did drunkenly tell her that, even though it is sad and sucks, that death isn't something to fear. It was probably not a conversation to have after a lot of drinking, but I felt the need to put it out there. I'll actually see her tonight for dinner. I forgot how much I missed her :-) I'm glad she's not moving to New Orleans.
I was super tired last night, after not sleeping pretty much all week. I started to fall asleep at the table lol. And ok, I was pretty drunk. But not that drunk and one of the guys that works there was like..."Are you ok? Can you sit up? Are you going to throw up?" lololll. Dude, I am fine. I made Ashley leave after that. When we got home I ate the rest of my left over pseudo-sushi (I only eat veggie sushi, which can't be considered real sushi, right?). Ashley took a picture of me eating it because she's an asshole.
I hate that it's Friday and I get to leave work early and then attend meeting before going to dinner with Court. I feel as if this has been the longest week of my life. I'm exhausted. I need a long nap.
Before I discuss what I really want to talk about, I want to bitch for a second. And before I bitch, I want to state that I am bad at "the game". What game? Idk, the dating game apparently. Or...theeee....we're not really dating game? I don't fucking know, but I'm bad at it.
Matt and I hung out 6 days in a row. SIX! And he asked me to hang out pretty much all of those days. Which is fine, cool, whatever. I usually don't have much going on, so if you ask me to hang out, chances are I'm going to say yes. Anyway, six days in a row. No hangout Wednesday though, but I talked to him that day. Yesterday, Thursday, nothing. All day, nothing.
WHAT IS THIS GAME?! Does he want space? I didn't ask him to hang out six days in a row, if he needs space, that's his own fault. Am I supposed to get ahold of him? Again, wtf IS this?!
As far as expectations, I have none really. I am just confused. Is that an expectation? I mean...I guess him talking to me is an expectation. I am trying really hard not to have expectations. Damn, it's hard. Especially when I know he obviously likes me, but I don't know what I want out of the situation, let alone what he wants.
I do know that he doesn't want me to have sex with anyone else. Normally, that's fine. But Brian is in town and litterally badgering me to have sex with him. Like, every night he texts me. And I am having this internal struggle because I know Matt would get mad, and I don't want to make him mad or upset because I really like him. BUT...if we aren't together, and we've been seeing each other for like...almost three months, why the fuck shouldn't I?
I know that your relationships are a reflection of yourself. I know that I am having and issue with this because I, myself, don't know what I want. That would lead me to believe that he doesn't know either; reflection. I don't know how to determine what I want either. But I do know that this game is killing me. I do know that even though I'm attracted to Brian, I would rather not have sex with him for fear or losing Matt. And that kind of scares me. I don't want to think about this anymore. At all.
So moving on.
Last night, I went to the soft opening of the 2nd Global Brew location. It was a lot of fun. I went with Ashley, Courtney and Shannan. We stayed until about...9? 10? I have no idea. Then we went to some place called...Silver Creek? Did I make that up? Idk it's a bar that has a nursing home sounding name. Some dude showed up with Shannan, Amy came, which is amazing, and Ashley had a fish named Chris show up. He seemed nice.
Courtney and I were talking about Josh. She said she has accepted his death at this point. I feel sad for her and her mom. I did drunkenly tell her that, even though it is sad and sucks, that death isn't something to fear. It was probably not a conversation to have after a lot of drinking, but I felt the need to put it out there. I'll actually see her tonight for dinner. I forgot how much I missed her :-) I'm glad she's not moving to New Orleans.
I was super tired last night, after not sleeping pretty much all week. I started to fall asleep at the table lol. And ok, I was pretty drunk. But not that drunk and one of the guys that works there was like..."Are you ok? Can you sit up? Are you going to throw up?" lololll. Dude, I am fine. I made Ashley leave after that. When we got home I ate the rest of my left over pseudo-sushi (I only eat veggie sushi, which can't be considered real sushi, right?). Ashley took a picture of me eating it because she's an asshole.
I hate that it's Friday and I get to leave work early and then attend meeting before going to dinner with Court. I feel as if this has been the longest week of my life. I'm exhausted. I need a long nap.
Wednesday, June 13, 2012
WHY NOT?
Why not take the risk? What's the worst that will happen? Won't it feel better to release the "what ifs" and just find out the answer?
The worst that can happen, in any situation, is rejection of your expectations. In that case, move on knowing it wasn't right and another, better opportunity will present itself. So accept that fact, and move on. As Errity said, it's our expectations that hold us back. Forget these and you will be happier.
Being a control freak, this has been a really hard lesson for me to learn. But I would say it has also been the most important. A lot of my stress has been alleviated. When you let go of the false control you have over events, it presents the opportunity for growth and development.
I don't understand why more people don't take risks. If it is meant to work out, it will work out. The universe will aid in what is good for you and your higher self. Every outcome of every situation is exactly how that scenario was supposed to work out. Don't question it. Go with the flow.
On the flip side, if you want to create your reality, then do so. But you have to know, feel and fully believe that you can create that reality. This truth is extremely hard for most people to grasp, and even once understood, hard to achieve. Because you have to not have expectations. You just have to know and therefore manifest that into your reality. But you also must know that you cannot create a reality for others who do not want that. Because as much as we are one, if we want to hold on to our "individuality", we have the ability to do that as well.
Fear is a driving factor in our daily life and it is what it all boils down to. As a society, we are controlled by fear: Fear of rejection, fear of punishment, fear of "losing it all" (in reality, "losing it all" is a good thing ;-) ), fear of judgment, fear of being different, etc. When you remove the fear, problems often fix themselves. Do not be afraid to love, show love, be love. Don't be afraid of excellence. Even failure is part of excellence. How would you know excellence if you had not failed to get there? If you had not made mistakes, how would you know what was right?
"If you find that some portion [of your life] is falling apart, this may be a sign from the universe that you are holding on to an old way of being that no longer serves your highest good" - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o7irjufKfmk Letting go is a big part in not only becoming enlightened, but personal happiness. Personal happiness also serves the consciousness grid to lead to overall happiness, as a collective human species.
So question everything. And when I say everything, I literally mean everything. Question reading this. Question your reality. There is no greater truth than when we realize that we are all connected, we are all one and we cannot be controlled by fear and manipulation. Don't let advertising, the media, politicians, "terrorists" or even your social group (and family!) stear you away from the ultimate truth that we all inherently know. We create our destiny. We are the universe, God, Source or whatever you want to call it. Know this. Be happy.
Namaste :-)
The worst that can happen, in any situation, is rejection of your expectations. In that case, move on knowing it wasn't right and another, better opportunity will present itself. So accept that fact, and move on. As Errity said, it's our expectations that hold us back. Forget these and you will be happier.
Being a control freak, this has been a really hard lesson for me to learn. But I would say it has also been the most important. A lot of my stress has been alleviated. When you let go of the false control you have over events, it presents the opportunity for growth and development.
I don't understand why more people don't take risks. If it is meant to work out, it will work out. The universe will aid in what is good for you and your higher self. Every outcome of every situation is exactly how that scenario was supposed to work out. Don't question it. Go with the flow.
On the flip side, if you want to create your reality, then do so. But you have to know, feel and fully believe that you can create that reality. This truth is extremely hard for most people to grasp, and even once understood, hard to achieve. Because you have to not have expectations. You just have to know and therefore manifest that into your reality. But you also must know that you cannot create a reality for others who do not want that. Because as much as we are one, if we want to hold on to our "individuality", we have the ability to do that as well.
Fear is a driving factor in our daily life and it is what it all boils down to. As a society, we are controlled by fear: Fear of rejection, fear of punishment, fear of "losing it all" (in reality, "losing it all" is a good thing ;-) ), fear of judgment, fear of being different, etc. When you remove the fear, problems often fix themselves. Do not be afraid to love, show love, be love. Don't be afraid of excellence. Even failure is part of excellence. How would you know excellence if you had not failed to get there? If you had not made mistakes, how would you know what was right?
"If you find that some portion [of your life] is falling apart, this may be a sign from the universe that you are holding on to an old way of being that no longer serves your highest good" - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o7irjufKfmk Letting go is a big part in not only becoming enlightened, but personal happiness. Personal happiness also serves the consciousness grid to lead to overall happiness, as a collective human species.
So question everything. And when I say everything, I literally mean everything. Question reading this. Question your reality. There is no greater truth than when we realize that we are all connected, we are all one and we cannot be controlled by fear and manipulation. Don't let advertising, the media, politicians, "terrorists" or even your social group (and family!) stear you away from the ultimate truth that we all inherently know. We create our destiny. We are the universe, God, Source or whatever you want to call it. Know this. Be happy.
Namaste :-)
Tuesday, June 12, 2012
Weirdest experience EVER
Have you ever had something happen to you and you were just like, what in THE FUCK was that?! Well I had that happen last night.
Matt and I went to Red Bar after he got off work. Everything was fine and normal, or as normal as things can be when you hang out with Matt. I was listening to this guy talk to my right. I told Matt he was African. We had like a three minute discussion about it. Matt said something like, listen to him talk. And I was like...uh huh lol he has an accent. That was about it.
Suddenly, African man is over introducing himself to us. Ok, cool, whatever. It was a little awkward, but I figured he would wander away. He seemed to be pretty drunk. But no, he talked and talked.
He was like, you guys are a beautiful couple blah blah blahhh. WEIRD. We are not a couple. I guess he somehow sensed shortly after he said it that we weren't and was like, "Matt why don't you lock it down? She is beautiful, lock her down". This went on for several minutes. Then he starts telling me, "You love Matt, why don't you want to be with him? You guys should be together" and on and on and on. I'm not even kidding. And it got worse.
African man, whose name was Samson, would NOT leave me alone about being with Matt. Like, seriously. Going on and on about how I love him. AND THEN he told Matt I think about him when I masturbate. I fucking shit you not, those words came out of his mouth. At this point, everyone in the bar was looking at us and I walked away and went to the bathroom. Of course someone was in the bathroom, so I had to wait. But I could STILL hear him talking and talking about me.
So I come back a few minutes later and he's still talking to Matt, and I'm like, we gotta go. Which Matt was fine with, of course. Samson, not so much. He's like, you guys can't go, blah blahhh. OMGOMGOMG. I seriously couldn't believe it was happening.
Here is the weirdest thing about it: How did Samson the African man know? I mean like, yeah, sure, drunken ramblings. How did it seriously, (seemingly) randomly happen to apply to us? Are there really such things as coincidences? Eckhart Tolle said, "Life will give you whatever experience is the most helpful for the evolution of your consciousness". In that thought, that experience was somehow helpful, as horrifying as it was, was it not?
I do love Matt, right now, in this experience. Was I going to tell the drunken African Samson that? No way in hell. Was almost all of what Samson said true? It fucking was. He asked Matt if he wanted to be with me and Matt said yeah. I don't know if he was trying to get him to shut up or if he was for real. I'm not going to ask though. If he is for real, I would hope he would tell me.
Out of the two + months Matt and I have been seeing each other, I've seen him more over the past week (post freak out!) than I ever have. And he's asked me to hang out every time. I've seen him 5 days in a row. That's a vast difference from him telling me he likes his space and doesn't like to hang out every day. Which I never said I wanted to in the first place, he did.
At this point, I'm literally going with the flow. Yes, I am putting other people off for him. I'm ok with that. If nothing serious ends up happening with us, I'm ok with that. I'm glad he's in my life right now. I would like him to stay, but I can't have control over him. For once in my life, I am ok with not having control. It feels good actually.
.........
Aside from that weirdness (oh and now that I'm thinking about it, Matt tweeted this morning and said "U WUV MUT", which is essentially what the African man was saying, I love Matt lol), it's freezing in my office. Well, I'm freezing. Which is nothing new. I hate it though. I hate being cold ALL the time. On often think that I might actually be cold blooded. My hands and feet are like ice. The temp is set at 71. A normal person would not be cold.
I had something else I was going to say, and I completely forgot....I hate that!
Well, this is on my mind. Matt wouldn't have sex with me last night. This annoys THE SHIT out of me. You are male, you should ALWAYS want to have sex. I told him he was acting like a 45 year old woman. He said I was being mean. Whatever! Then he said he was going to stay with me while my family is gone so we'll be having sex a lot. My response was, "What if I die before then? What if you die before then"? This did not convince him. I'm still mad about this and haven't talked to him today.
But it is nice to think about sleeping with him. The African also mentioned something about how I miss Matt at night. What the FUCK dude, quit tuning in to my brain. Not while I'm trying to hang out and drink. What a weird experience.
I actually took off Monday and Tuesday of next week. It's going to be so nice with no one in my house to bug me. I can't wait to move the fuck out. I literally passed up going to Jamaica so that I could be alone. It's going to be amazing.
Matt and I went to Red Bar after he got off work. Everything was fine and normal, or as normal as things can be when you hang out with Matt. I was listening to this guy talk to my right. I told Matt he was African. We had like a three minute discussion about it. Matt said something like, listen to him talk. And I was like...uh huh lol he has an accent. That was about it.
Suddenly, African man is over introducing himself to us. Ok, cool, whatever. It was a little awkward, but I figured he would wander away. He seemed to be pretty drunk. But no, he talked and talked.
He was like, you guys are a beautiful couple blah blah blahhh. WEIRD. We are not a couple. I guess he somehow sensed shortly after he said it that we weren't and was like, "Matt why don't you lock it down? She is beautiful, lock her down". This went on for several minutes. Then he starts telling me, "You love Matt, why don't you want to be with him? You guys should be together" and on and on and on. I'm not even kidding. And it got worse.
African man, whose name was Samson, would NOT leave me alone about being with Matt. Like, seriously. Going on and on about how I love him. AND THEN he told Matt I think about him when I masturbate. I fucking shit you not, those words came out of his mouth. At this point, everyone in the bar was looking at us and I walked away and went to the bathroom. Of course someone was in the bathroom, so I had to wait. But I could STILL hear him talking and talking about me.
So I come back a few minutes later and he's still talking to Matt, and I'm like, we gotta go. Which Matt was fine with, of course. Samson, not so much. He's like, you guys can't go, blah blahhh. OMGOMGOMG. I seriously couldn't believe it was happening.
Here is the weirdest thing about it: How did Samson the African man know? I mean like, yeah, sure, drunken ramblings. How did it seriously, (seemingly) randomly happen to apply to us? Are there really such things as coincidences? Eckhart Tolle said, "Life will give you whatever experience is the most helpful for the evolution of your consciousness". In that thought, that experience was somehow helpful, as horrifying as it was, was it not?
I do love Matt, right now, in this experience. Was I going to tell the drunken African Samson that? No way in hell. Was almost all of what Samson said true? It fucking was. He asked Matt if he wanted to be with me and Matt said yeah. I don't know if he was trying to get him to shut up or if he was for real. I'm not going to ask though. If he is for real, I would hope he would tell me.
Out of the two + months Matt and I have been seeing each other, I've seen him more over the past week (post freak out!) than I ever have. And he's asked me to hang out every time. I've seen him 5 days in a row. That's a vast difference from him telling me he likes his space and doesn't like to hang out every day. Which I never said I wanted to in the first place, he did.
At this point, I'm literally going with the flow. Yes, I am putting other people off for him. I'm ok with that. If nothing serious ends up happening with us, I'm ok with that. I'm glad he's in my life right now. I would like him to stay, but I can't have control over him. For once in my life, I am ok with not having control. It feels good actually.
.........
Aside from that weirdness (oh and now that I'm thinking about it, Matt tweeted this morning and said "U WUV MUT", which is essentially what the African man was saying, I love Matt lol), it's freezing in my office. Well, I'm freezing. Which is nothing new. I hate it though. I hate being cold ALL the time. On often think that I might actually be cold blooded. My hands and feet are like ice. The temp is set at 71. A normal person would not be cold.
I had something else I was going to say, and I completely forgot....I hate that!
Well, this is on my mind. Matt wouldn't have sex with me last night. This annoys THE SHIT out of me. You are male, you should ALWAYS want to have sex. I told him he was acting like a 45 year old woman. He said I was being mean. Whatever! Then he said he was going to stay with me while my family is gone so we'll be having sex a lot. My response was, "What if I die before then? What if you die before then"? This did not convince him. I'm still mad about this and haven't talked to him today.
But it is nice to think about sleeping with him. The African also mentioned something about how I miss Matt at night. What the FUCK dude, quit tuning in to my brain. Not while I'm trying to hang out and drink. What a weird experience.
I actually took off Monday and Tuesday of next week. It's going to be so nice with no one in my house to bug me. I can't wait to move the fuck out. I literally passed up going to Jamaica so that I could be alone. It's going to be amazing.
Monday, June 11, 2012
Is it considered a problem if it is rigidly controlled?
I feel I'm a pretty real person. That being said, I'm about to get really real and admit things that I have not admitted to myself. I may have to work on this for several days before publishing.
....SO, as I talk about often, I am working on healing myself. Life is traumatic on many levels, for many reasons, in a different way for every person. Every situation affects each individual differently. We see this in abuse cases, drug addiction and every day life.
One of the main things I am working on in my life, that ties into self-love, is being less destructive to myself. From a very young age I've been a self destructive person.
I would say it started when I was around 10, I started cutting myself. Not intensely, but at 25, I still have some of the scars.
I lost my virginity at a very young age (13), in a shitty circumstance. First of all, a 13 year old shouldn't be in a sexual circumstance, so that makes any circumstance shitty. I was not raped, I will say that. But losing your virginity at such a young age has a profound impact on your life. Or maybe it does at any age, but I can't testify to that. All I know is that after that, I slept with way too many people for the wrong reasons. It was not that I was looking for love; it was the opposite actually. I wanted to use people like I felt I had been used. No one wins in that situation.
I also smoked pot for the first time when I was thirteen, as well as get obliterated drunk shortly after at fourteen. Eight grade to be exact. I think for many kids now, this is somewhat normal. The situations they occurred under were not normal though, and happened often. Looking back at it, I actually had a great time, so it's whatever. Just a building block, I suppose.
When I was 16 I was put on heavy antidepressants, Klonopins. They're similar to Xanax. My doctor told me I was bi-polar. What a fucking moron. I was a zombie for several years off and on (through changing medications) until I was prescribed Lexapro, a general antianxiety/antidepressant, along with a low dose of Xanax. I only took the Xanax when I had a panic attack. Which is a stupid way to conquer a problem when you think about it.
When I was 19 I overdosed on the prescribed Xanax. I was in intensive care for a few days (I can't even remember how long) and had to be evaluated before I was allowed to leave. That's actually where I met the psychoanalyst I used to see, he was a nice man, but I had to move on as he was not helping me anymore. I did go to him for several years though. He was probably the first person to help me realize that I just really didn't like myself.
My Xanax prescription was taken away after the overdose, which was fine. I didn't take it for a few years. Then I asked for it back, but it is rigidly controlled. Unlike the 90 count I used to get, I now get 15. And I save them. It's shit anyway, not only is it addictive, but you need more and more every time you take it. So I'm ok with not having a lot. They zombie me out for sure.
I was never much of a drinker until I was 21. I started dating Chris then, and between still hurting from the previous domestic abuse and Chris' family owning several bars, I started to drink a lot. Not out of control drinking, but when I drank (and still now) I got out of control sometimes. I am really amazed that I have never been seriously physically hurt or arrested to be honest.
I still get black out drunk pretty often. I usually don't save my Xanax for panic attics; I take them when I'm drinking. I know these things aren't good for me, yet I do them anyway. I know a lot of people do. But I have recounted some of the things that I do when in this state. I am clearly trying to bury things within myself.
That being said, I am better than I was in December. When Chris and I broke up and he told me he was about to propose to me, I was a disaster. I am grateful to him and Ashley both for making me realize what I was doing to myself. Which I knew, in a detached, uncaring way.
These things being said, I have a lot to work on. Especially because, and this is the most disturbing part, some days I wish I could just be a bum drug addict. Which is strange, considering I don't have an addictive personality and have never been addicted to anything. But for some reason, on same days, I wish I could give up and waste my days fucked up on some nasty shit.
One time, when my parents were going through their marital problems, my dad was telling me how my mom was molested when she was a little girl. He asked if anything bad had ever happened to me. I said I don't think so, but I know sometimes people repress these things. Especially if they occurred before an age where your mind can really process what's going on. I wonder if that's why I have some problems with intimacy. True intimacy, not sexual acts. The fact that I have always been ok with sexual acts and less ok with real emotion is somewhat troublesome to me.
Laying all these things out there sucks. But admitting my downfalls helps to fall less. So there it is.
....SO, as I talk about often, I am working on healing myself. Life is traumatic on many levels, for many reasons, in a different way for every person. Every situation affects each individual differently. We see this in abuse cases, drug addiction and every day life.
One of the main things I am working on in my life, that ties into self-love, is being less destructive to myself. From a very young age I've been a self destructive person.
I would say it started when I was around 10, I started cutting myself. Not intensely, but at 25, I still have some of the scars.
I lost my virginity at a very young age (13), in a shitty circumstance. First of all, a 13 year old shouldn't be in a sexual circumstance, so that makes any circumstance shitty. I was not raped, I will say that. But losing your virginity at such a young age has a profound impact on your life. Or maybe it does at any age, but I can't testify to that. All I know is that after that, I slept with way too many people for the wrong reasons. It was not that I was looking for love; it was the opposite actually. I wanted to use people like I felt I had been used. No one wins in that situation.
I also smoked pot for the first time when I was thirteen, as well as get obliterated drunk shortly after at fourteen. Eight grade to be exact. I think for many kids now, this is somewhat normal. The situations they occurred under were not normal though, and happened often. Looking back at it, I actually had a great time, so it's whatever. Just a building block, I suppose.
When I was 16 I was put on heavy antidepressants, Klonopins. They're similar to Xanax. My doctor told me I was bi-polar. What a fucking moron. I was a zombie for several years off and on (through changing medications) until I was prescribed Lexapro, a general antianxiety/antidepressant, along with a low dose of Xanax. I only took the Xanax when I had a panic attack. Which is a stupid way to conquer a problem when you think about it.
When I was 19 I overdosed on the prescribed Xanax. I was in intensive care for a few days (I can't even remember how long) and had to be evaluated before I was allowed to leave. That's actually where I met the psychoanalyst I used to see, he was a nice man, but I had to move on as he was not helping me anymore. I did go to him for several years though. He was probably the first person to help me realize that I just really didn't like myself.
My Xanax prescription was taken away after the overdose, which was fine. I didn't take it for a few years. Then I asked for it back, but it is rigidly controlled. Unlike the 90 count I used to get, I now get 15. And I save them. It's shit anyway, not only is it addictive, but you need more and more every time you take it. So I'm ok with not having a lot. They zombie me out for sure.
I was never much of a drinker until I was 21. I started dating Chris then, and between still hurting from the previous domestic abuse and Chris' family owning several bars, I started to drink a lot. Not out of control drinking, but when I drank (and still now) I got out of control sometimes. I am really amazed that I have never been seriously physically hurt or arrested to be honest.
I still get black out drunk pretty often. I usually don't save my Xanax for panic attics; I take them when I'm drinking. I know these things aren't good for me, yet I do them anyway. I know a lot of people do. But I have recounted some of the things that I do when in this state. I am clearly trying to bury things within myself.
That being said, I am better than I was in December. When Chris and I broke up and he told me he was about to propose to me, I was a disaster. I am grateful to him and Ashley both for making me realize what I was doing to myself. Which I knew, in a detached, uncaring way.
These things being said, I have a lot to work on. Especially because, and this is the most disturbing part, some days I wish I could just be a bum drug addict. Which is strange, considering I don't have an addictive personality and have never been addicted to anything. But for some reason, on same days, I wish I could give up and waste my days fucked up on some nasty shit.
One time, when my parents were going through their marital problems, my dad was telling me how my mom was molested when she was a little girl. He asked if anything bad had ever happened to me. I said I don't think so, but I know sometimes people repress these things. Especially if they occurred before an age where your mind can really process what's going on. I wonder if that's why I have some problems with intimacy. True intimacy, not sexual acts. The fact that I have always been ok with sexual acts and less ok with real emotion is somewhat troublesome to me.
Laying all these things out there sucks. But admitting my downfalls helps to fall less. So there it is.
Dreams
I should really keep a dream diary. I've always had very vivid and detailed dreams and can almost always recalled everything. I also usually am very aware that I am dreaming and can lucid dream, but I don't like controlling dreams because it's more fun to not, don't you think?
Either way, I have been having some interesting dreams lately. I'm not one to really buy into dream interpretations, dreams are relative to your personal experiences. However, I feel that many generic dream themes can have an umbrella meaning. Such as dreams about teeth, snakes or being nude. Those are common themes of dreams that are pretty universal, both in having dreams involving those things and in their meaning. Not always though.
Lately, several of my dreams have taken place in malls. I thought that was strange, so I looked it up. Dreams moods website said:
Either way, I have been having some interesting dreams lately. I'm not one to really buy into dream interpretations, dreams are relative to your personal experiences. However, I feel that many generic dream themes can have an umbrella meaning. Such as dreams about teeth, snakes or being nude. Those are common themes of dreams that are pretty universal, both in having dreams involving those things and in their meaning. Not always though.
Lately, several of my dreams have taken place in malls. I thought that was strange, so I looked it up. Dreams moods website said:
To dream that you are at the mall represents your attempts in making a favorable impression on someone. You are trying to establish your identity and sense of self. The choices you make in life will mold who you are as a person. The mall is also symbolic of materialism and the need to keep up with the trends, fads, and/or the latest technology. Consider the type and name of stores that you see in your dreams.
I found it to be rather interesting because I am trying to establish my sense of self. So, bingo on that interpretation. Strange, huh? Also, I know it's not about keeping up with trends for me. I know this because, I could give a fuck less about trends and don't recall seeing any stores, I am always in the main mall area.
Last night I had a dream that Matt proposed to me. How horrifying. In the dream, I said yes. And then freaked out because we haven't been seeing each other for very long (and we're not even actually together!), but I went along with it anyway because I decided that I loved him. This is way more disturbing to me than being in a mall. A mall dream would have been great, because now, I can't get this out of my head.
Last night I had a dream that Matt proposed to me. How horrifying. In the dream, I said yes. And then freaked out because we haven't been seeing each other for very long (and we're not even actually together!), but I went along with it anyway because I decided that I loved him. This is way more disturbing to me than being in a mall. A mall dream would have been great, because now, I can't get this out of my head.
So I looked up this interpretation. The same website said:
To dream that you are being proposed to indicates that you are merging a previously unknown aspect of yourself. More directly, the dream may mean that you are thinking about marriage or some serious long-term commitment/project/situation. Are you thinking about proposing to someone? Your reaction to the proposal indicates your true feelings about marriage or commitment.
Well fancy that. Merging a previously unknown aspect of myself? Like.....what? I guess I have to figure that out :-) I can assure you that I am not thinking about marriage or proposing to anyone, though. There were other interpretations on different websites...I didn't like them. So I'm going to ignore them. That'll make it go away, right?
I dislike that my subconscious is picking up on my feelings for Matt. Being drunk and drugged up saying things is a different story, I feel. It is easier to pass off. The fact that this dream thing is bothering me makes it even worse. I have weird dreams all the time. Why I am still thinking about this one? My uncomfortableness about the whole thing makes me even more uncomfortable.
I should explore why this makes me uncomfortable. I know a big part of it is because this is not what I wanted. Yet it is coming too easily. It's my belief that when things come easy, you go with it because it's part of your proposed life path. But I don't know how he really feels or what he really wants.
Hm. Just got on Twitter and one of the spiritual guidance accounts I follow updated "The less we think, the more we truly see". Again, I need to let it go and just go with the flow. I like that every time I get off track in my journey something or someone gets me back on track. It's relieving and refreshing. So I'll leave this for now.
On another note, today is national hug day. Yuck. That is a personal thing that I definitely need to explore more. I think I'm going to have a good meditation later today. It's a good day for that, with the rain and such :-)
Namaste beebs!
Namaste beebs!
Friday, June 8, 2012
3 1/2 hour workdays always seem longer
During the summer we have the option to stay later through the week and leave at noon on Fridays. Obviously I take advantage of this. But coming to work for only 3 1/2 hours always makes it seem like forever. Probably because I like to get all my work done before today, which leaves me with nothing to do, therefore I get bored. So what better to do than jabber about useless thoughts that come into my head?
Speaking of useless thoughts, I'm going to North Carolina soon to visit the relatives. Ashley is going with me. We're thinking September or October. Now that I think about it, Oct is probably better since it's after Italian Fest and I'm on the committee so I'll have a lot to do that month. Jana Rae's fiance cheated on her or something. I'm not sure of the entire story, she hasn't told me and I'm not going to bug her about it. But I thought I would go visit for support. Also I haven't seen her since we were small children. Since Vicki will be living there, maybe I'll visit her too. It should be a good time.
Speaking of Ashley, we're going shopping when I leave work. I need some clothing bad. And Ashley owes me $100, so I look at that as free money. And I got paid yesterday.
This week has been so boring. Both at work and at home. Well, kinda at home. Anyway, next week should be fun. Brian Heth is coming in town, I told him we would go to strip clubs b/c he's never been lol. I am somewhat afraid to hang out with him because I think he might try to have sex with me. Which sounds cocky, but it's not because he told me he wanted to have sex with me. But he's talking to someone now anddd I'm talking to Matt (or something) so hopefully the subject won't come up.
Speaking of weird situations, Ashley cousin text me and asked if I wanted to go to the lake Sunday. I don't lol. Is it weird that I feel shitty about not being interested in him? Because I do feel shitty about it. I don't know why, it really shouldn't matter. Maybe just because it's Ashley's cousin. And he's kind of persistent. Idk.
Also my family leaves for Jamaica on the 16th. This is great because they won't be around to annoy the fuck out of me, but I'm also kind of scared to be at home by myself. Which is completely irrational. So I hope I get over that really quickly. Our house is just so big and has so many ways to get in....omg. I might go stay with Ashley. Maybe Matt will stay with me a few days.
This weekend the Texans are coming in town. Well, not all of them, but Kristie, David, Erin, Todd and the baby, who I believe is named Wyatt. What a Texan name ahahaa! I haven't seen Erin since her wedding, which I believe was 4 years ago. So that will be nice. This will also include several family dinners, which I always enjoy because my family is entertaining. And they make good food. Especially my grandma. Granmam food is the best food in the world. OH! And Hayden will be around for entertainment. She is the funniest kid ever. I can't believe she's going to be 4 in August.
Speaking of kids and thinking about how everyone has kids, how do people do that? I actually like a lot of kids, but I would have NO idea what to do with one of my own. But I guess no one does, do they? Either way, I'm glad I started my period because there's always that fear (even if you haven't had sex in months) that you're going to be pregnant. It's horrifying.
What's more horrifying are stories like that "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant" show. Fucking kill me if that ever happens to me. Seriously. OR if I ever did get pregnant and had twins. I have always had this weird feeling that if I do have kids, I'll have two at once. Maybe just because that sounds like the scariest thing ever. I think I would hate whoever impregnanted me.
.....I'm trying to think of something else to talk about because if I post this, I go back to having nothing to do. It's 10:30 right now, so I have an hour and a half left.
Oh, so I'm reading that Deepak Chopra book, right? The chapter that I read yesterday talked about this way to meditate on your heart to open it. It was really awesome and I want to try it. I am pretty bad at meditating, I will admit. It's freaking hard. To completely clear your thoughts? I can't even do that when I'm trying to sleep. But it takes practice. I should practice more, really. I mean, it is good for you.
I like that Deepak approaches the topic of love in an unconventional manner. People always view love as fairy tale bullshit. I HATE that shit. Ashley calls me a "hater of love". I tell her I'm not a hater of love, I'm a realist. This infuriates her for some reason, so I always say it. But I am NOT a hater of love. The cultural view of love is wrong. It isn't "I love this person or that person", because everyone is connected, so it's I love EVERYONE, including myself. People seek love to help them feel whole. It never works. You have to personally feel whole before you can be with someone. I have talked about that before. That is why there are so many problems with relationships and marriages.
I'm only a few chapters into the book and I really like it so far, so I'm sure I'll have a lot more to say about it.
Switching topics again, I've hung out with Matt kind of a lot this week. I took Errity's blog advice about letting go of expectations (what a great post that was, I'm going to link to it at the end of this, everyone should read it. She is a much better writer than I am). I never realized how a person's expectations are the only thing that give you a view of a "good" or "bad" day. And my expectations from Matt were definitely getting the best of me.
That and after my crazy episode last weekend, I decided I needed to back up and chill the fuck out. This is another crazy, personal thought that I can't help but think. Maybe after I get it out it will go away: Isn't it kind of weird that I threw a little crazy baby fit this weekend and I've seen Matt more than usual? Definitely over thinking it, but I can't help that. He hasn't mentioned last weekend and neither have I. I do think that he is in love with me and afraid to admit it. But, whatever. I'm actually happy with the way things are right now.
Also, all I can think about is having sex with him and I'm on my period and it's killing me. Periods are fucking lame life ruiners. I find it strange that I like having sex with him. But I want to all the time. And now it's all I'm thinking about. Ughhhh! How (sexually) frustratingggg. Day is ruined! Jk.
It's not that I don't think about having sex with other people. Because I do (and I don't think that ever stops). But I know if I did, he probably wouldn't talk to me anymore...or have sex with me lol. And I don't want that. And usually when you have sex with someone one time, it's not that good anyway. I think emotional connections make sex better. I don't know why it took me 25 years to figure that out, but it definitely did.
I guess that's all the uselessness I have to say for today. Did not mean to rhyme that, but whatever lol.
Here's Errity's blog link for the Expectations post:
http://operationevolve.blogspot.com/2012/06/expectations.html
Speaking of useless thoughts, I'm going to North Carolina soon to visit the relatives. Ashley is going with me. We're thinking September or October. Now that I think about it, Oct is probably better since it's after Italian Fest and I'm on the committee so I'll have a lot to do that month. Jana Rae's fiance cheated on her or something. I'm not sure of the entire story, she hasn't told me and I'm not going to bug her about it. But I thought I would go visit for support. Also I haven't seen her since we were small children. Since Vicki will be living there, maybe I'll visit her too. It should be a good time.
Speaking of Ashley, we're going shopping when I leave work. I need some clothing bad. And Ashley owes me $100, so I look at that as free money. And I got paid yesterday.
This week has been so boring. Both at work and at home. Well, kinda at home. Anyway, next week should be fun. Brian Heth is coming in town, I told him we would go to strip clubs b/c he's never been lol. I am somewhat afraid to hang out with him because I think he might try to have sex with me. Which sounds cocky, but it's not because he told me he wanted to have sex with me. But he's talking to someone now anddd I'm talking to Matt (or something) so hopefully the subject won't come up.
Speaking of weird situations, Ashley cousin text me and asked if I wanted to go to the lake Sunday. I don't lol. Is it weird that I feel shitty about not being interested in him? Because I do feel shitty about it. I don't know why, it really shouldn't matter. Maybe just because it's Ashley's cousin. And he's kind of persistent. Idk.
Also my family leaves for Jamaica on the 16th. This is great because they won't be around to annoy the fuck out of me, but I'm also kind of scared to be at home by myself. Which is completely irrational. So I hope I get over that really quickly. Our house is just so big and has so many ways to get in....omg. I might go stay with Ashley. Maybe Matt will stay with me a few days.
This weekend the Texans are coming in town. Well, not all of them, but Kristie, David, Erin, Todd and the baby, who I believe is named Wyatt. What a Texan name ahahaa! I haven't seen Erin since her wedding, which I believe was 4 years ago. So that will be nice. This will also include several family dinners, which I always enjoy because my family is entertaining. And they make good food. Especially my grandma. Granmam food is the best food in the world. OH! And Hayden will be around for entertainment. She is the funniest kid ever. I can't believe she's going to be 4 in August.
Speaking of kids and thinking about how everyone has kids, how do people do that? I actually like a lot of kids, but I would have NO idea what to do with one of my own. But I guess no one does, do they? Either way, I'm glad I started my period because there's always that fear (even if you haven't had sex in months) that you're going to be pregnant. It's horrifying.
What's more horrifying are stories like that "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant" show. Fucking kill me if that ever happens to me. Seriously. OR if I ever did get pregnant and had twins. I have always had this weird feeling that if I do have kids, I'll have two at once. Maybe just because that sounds like the scariest thing ever. I think I would hate whoever impregnanted me.
.....I'm trying to think of something else to talk about because if I post this, I go back to having nothing to do. It's 10:30 right now, so I have an hour and a half left.
Oh, so I'm reading that Deepak Chopra book, right? The chapter that I read yesterday talked about this way to meditate on your heart to open it. It was really awesome and I want to try it. I am pretty bad at meditating, I will admit. It's freaking hard. To completely clear your thoughts? I can't even do that when I'm trying to sleep. But it takes practice. I should practice more, really. I mean, it is good for you.
I like that Deepak approaches the topic of love in an unconventional manner. People always view love as fairy tale bullshit. I HATE that shit. Ashley calls me a "hater of love". I tell her I'm not a hater of love, I'm a realist. This infuriates her for some reason, so I always say it. But I am NOT a hater of love. The cultural view of love is wrong. It isn't "I love this person or that person", because everyone is connected, so it's I love EVERYONE, including myself. People seek love to help them feel whole. It never works. You have to personally feel whole before you can be with someone. I have talked about that before. That is why there are so many problems with relationships and marriages.
I'm only a few chapters into the book and I really like it so far, so I'm sure I'll have a lot more to say about it.
Switching topics again, I've hung out with Matt kind of a lot this week. I took Errity's blog advice about letting go of expectations (what a great post that was, I'm going to link to it at the end of this, everyone should read it. She is a much better writer than I am). I never realized how a person's expectations are the only thing that give you a view of a "good" or "bad" day. And my expectations from Matt were definitely getting the best of me.
That and after my crazy episode last weekend, I decided I needed to back up and chill the fuck out. This is another crazy, personal thought that I can't help but think. Maybe after I get it out it will go away: Isn't it kind of weird that I threw a little crazy baby fit this weekend and I've seen Matt more than usual? Definitely over thinking it, but I can't help that. He hasn't mentioned last weekend and neither have I. I do think that he is in love with me and afraid to admit it. But, whatever. I'm actually happy with the way things are right now.
Also, all I can think about is having sex with him and I'm on my period and it's killing me. Periods are fucking lame life ruiners. I find it strange that I like having sex with him. But I want to all the time. And now it's all I'm thinking about. Ughhhh! How (sexually) frustratingggg. Day is ruined! Jk.
It's not that I don't think about having sex with other people. Because I do (and I don't think that ever stops). But I know if I did, he probably wouldn't talk to me anymore...or have sex with me lol. And I don't want that. And usually when you have sex with someone one time, it's not that good anyway. I think emotional connections make sex better. I don't know why it took me 25 years to figure that out, but it definitely did.
I guess that's all the uselessness I have to say for today. Did not mean to rhyme that, but whatever lol.
Here's Errity's blog link for the Expectations post:
http://operationevolve.blogspot.com/2012/06/expectations.html
Wednesday, June 6, 2012
Books are confusing
Books are not really confusing. But when you're reading three at the same time, they can be.
I'm reading Tolle's A New Earth, Chopra's The Path to Love (which now that I type that...makes me sound like a weirdo) and Stephen King's Full Dark, No Moon, which is contradictory to the others. I would say I'm reading King to lighten the mood of the other books, but clearly that would be a lie. I guess I'm reading it to detach from myself. Discovering yourself can be a heavy matter.
Speaking of, Chopra's book I'm reading isn't necessarily about love, it's about healing yourself to be more accepting of yourself, and therefore, love. I started reading it before the others because I realized while dating Chris that I wasn't fully healed from Tim's abuse. I always thought that talking about bad experiences made you feel better about them, and it does, in a way. But it doesn't heal you completely.
I did go to counseling for awhile. The problem with me going to counseling is that I'm a pretty self aware person. People who are psychologists, psychiatrists & even psychoanalysts (I've been to all three) are used speaking to people who are unaware of their problem. Or they are unaware of why they feel a certain way because of the problem. I don't have these issues. My issue stems from fixing the problem and changing my thoughts about the problem. No one can tell you how to do that, although I wish they could.
Solutions are often simple yet rarely easy.
So I started to look inside my self for the solution and realized that I needed a lot of personal healing. I think that everyone needs to look inside themselves and heal what hurts them. It would make the human race collectively happier and help us to expand our consciousness.
Chris was unfortunately a casualty of both my inner pain and personal healing. I shouldn't feel bad for doing what I needed to do for myself. But I do.
I think I mainly feel bad because he is such an emotional person and seems to not have the desire to look inward to help himself. I know he understands how to do this, we've discussed it many times. We've also discussed the importance of positive thoughts and the impact they have on your life, but he's clearly not doing that either.
Everything he projects towards me is negative. I wish he could see that just because he loves me that his life is not over because our relationship is. Every time I think I can talk to him like a friend, I find I am wrong.
I had shied away from mentioning anything about seeing someone because I didn't want him to feel I was shoving it in his face. Also, when we broke up I told him I needed to find myself, by myself. To him, this means I will be by myself forever.
He mentioned my uncle the other day and I told him I was kind of upset with my uncle so I haven't spoken to him. I told him I didn't want to discuss why. He asked several times, so finally I told him the reason, which was my uncle being disrespectful towards Matt. Chris flipped out and hung up on me.
He said it was a "slap in the face". What he doesn't understand is that I AM by myself. Just because I am seeing someone doesn't mean anything. Matt is not personally invasive to me whatsoever. In fact, he's the opposite. Aside from him not wanting me to sleep with people (which, in reality, is good for me to have someone to tell me not to) he has no control over my life, and I have none in his.
As I'm sure I've mentioned before, a person cannot really be happy with someone else until they are happy with themselves. I am working on being happy with myself. Yes, I like Matt, but in the long run, he will have no affect on my personal happiness with myself. If anything, he is aiding in it. That being said, I hope that Chris discovers true, full happiness. And I hope it's not pseudo-happiness in the form of a girlfriend/wife, though I feel it unfortunately will be.
Going back to my uncle though, I am still kind of upset with him. I should talk to him about it, but I feel like he might lecture me or give me a fake "whatever makes you happy" kind of thing. I mentioned before how alike he and I are. And we are, but I have chosen to...I don't even know what to call it. Like I said, my family is somewhat judgmental and also superficial. I strive to be neither of those things.
I will say my grandpa is the exception to both of those things. Which I had always known (and forgot), but I had a great conversation with him the other day. One in which my mom and grandma both interrupted.
I love my grandma as if she is my mother because she had a big part in raising me, but sometimes she can be embarrassing and especially superficial. Which is strange; you would think my gradpa would have worn off on her a bit after all these years.
I will say they were never superficial about Chris, which has been especially irritating in my seperation with him. NO, I do not know what Chris is doing today, or how he is doing, so please stop asking me. Also do not ask me to call/text him with a question you have. If you must talk to him, do it yourself.
Anyway, to wrap this up: books are not confusing and are insightful. Always try to heal yourself; strive for personal excellence. Solutions are often simple but rarely easy :-)
Namaste, friends!
I'm reading Tolle's A New Earth, Chopra's The Path to Love (which now that I type that...makes me sound like a weirdo) and Stephen King's Full Dark, No Moon, which is contradictory to the others. I would say I'm reading King to lighten the mood of the other books, but clearly that would be a lie. I guess I'm reading it to detach from myself. Discovering yourself can be a heavy matter.
Speaking of, Chopra's book I'm reading isn't necessarily about love, it's about healing yourself to be more accepting of yourself, and therefore, love. I started reading it before the others because I realized while dating Chris that I wasn't fully healed from Tim's abuse. I always thought that talking about bad experiences made you feel better about them, and it does, in a way. But it doesn't heal you completely.
I did go to counseling for awhile. The problem with me going to counseling is that I'm a pretty self aware person. People who are psychologists, psychiatrists & even psychoanalysts (I've been to all three) are used speaking to people who are unaware of their problem. Or they are unaware of why they feel a certain way because of the problem. I don't have these issues. My issue stems from fixing the problem and changing my thoughts about the problem. No one can tell you how to do that, although I wish they could.
Solutions are often simple yet rarely easy.
So I started to look inside my self for the solution and realized that I needed a lot of personal healing. I think that everyone needs to look inside themselves and heal what hurts them. It would make the human race collectively happier and help us to expand our consciousness.
Chris was unfortunately a casualty of both my inner pain and personal healing. I shouldn't feel bad for doing what I needed to do for myself. But I do.
I think I mainly feel bad because he is such an emotional person and seems to not have the desire to look inward to help himself. I know he understands how to do this, we've discussed it many times. We've also discussed the importance of positive thoughts and the impact they have on your life, but he's clearly not doing that either.
Everything he projects towards me is negative. I wish he could see that just because he loves me that his life is not over because our relationship is. Every time I think I can talk to him like a friend, I find I am wrong.
I had shied away from mentioning anything about seeing someone because I didn't want him to feel I was shoving it in his face. Also, when we broke up I told him I needed to find myself, by myself. To him, this means I will be by myself forever.
He mentioned my uncle the other day and I told him I was kind of upset with my uncle so I haven't spoken to him. I told him I didn't want to discuss why. He asked several times, so finally I told him the reason, which was my uncle being disrespectful towards Matt. Chris flipped out and hung up on me.
He said it was a "slap in the face". What he doesn't understand is that I AM by myself. Just because I am seeing someone doesn't mean anything. Matt is not personally invasive to me whatsoever. In fact, he's the opposite. Aside from him not wanting me to sleep with people (which, in reality, is good for me to have someone to tell me not to) he has no control over my life, and I have none in his.
As I'm sure I've mentioned before, a person cannot really be happy with someone else until they are happy with themselves. I am working on being happy with myself. Yes, I like Matt, but in the long run, he will have no affect on my personal happiness with myself. If anything, he is aiding in it. That being said, I hope that Chris discovers true, full happiness. And I hope it's not pseudo-happiness in the form of a girlfriend/wife, though I feel it unfortunately will be.
Going back to my uncle though, I am still kind of upset with him. I should talk to him about it, but I feel like he might lecture me or give me a fake "whatever makes you happy" kind of thing. I mentioned before how alike he and I are. And we are, but I have chosen to...I don't even know what to call it. Like I said, my family is somewhat judgmental and also superficial. I strive to be neither of those things.
I will say my grandpa is the exception to both of those things. Which I had always known (and forgot), but I had a great conversation with him the other day. One in which my mom and grandma both interrupted.
I love my grandma as if she is my mother because she had a big part in raising me, but sometimes she can be embarrassing and especially superficial. Which is strange; you would think my gradpa would have worn off on her a bit after all these years.
I will say they were never superficial about Chris, which has been especially irritating in my seperation with him. NO, I do not know what Chris is doing today, or how he is doing, so please stop asking me. Also do not ask me to call/text him with a question you have. If you must talk to him, do it yourself.
Anyway, to wrap this up: books are not confusing and are insightful. Always try to heal yourself; strive for personal excellence. Solutions are often simple but rarely easy :-)
Namaste, friends!
Monday, June 4, 2012
spirit science loveeee (with update)
https://yfrog.com/Himg858/scaled.php?tn=0&server=858&filename=2b36.jpg&xsize=480&ysize=480
I was going to start this post differently, but then I saw this picture (word pic?) on Twitter, and it made me think. If you click it, if it works, it's about hugging. I hate hugging. Like, do not touch me. I don't like hugging anyone. On occasion, if I'm seeing someone or in a relationship, it's ok. I'll cuddle with them, which is kind of the same? But I don't like when my friend, parents, family, or ESPECIALLY strangers hug me. I mean, I hug people. It's something people are supposed to do. I just don't enjoy it. There has to be some hidden reason for that, wouldn't you think? I know I've touched on it before, but every time it comes up, it just really makes me think.
Anyway, I actually started this post because I was going to talk about Spirit Science ( thespiritscience.net check it out) and how I joined their forum today. Best, self-loving decision EVER. Literally. I made a post about how I need to be happy learning to be alone and really love myself (I made poor decisions this weekend, surprise!) and got immediate, insightful responses. That's love. It immediately expanded my heart. It almost made me cry.
One of the responders told me that distinguishing between being "alone" and being "lonely" is a big part of it. As soon as I read that, I realized that I am appreciating my alone time more and more recently. Another responder told me that they feel I am closer than I think I am because I am aware of my self-love deficiencies. I would agree with that. Awareness is always the first step toward any change, isn't it?
The last responder talked about hobbies and how we have the ability to do/be anything we want.
All of these responses resonated with me in a deep way, as they should with most individuals. But they were just what I needed to hear, in a time of need. And that is more important than anything.
Which is why I feel this forum is so important. Especially for me, right now. In a time where I am trying to attract positive vibrations, I often chose the negative vibrations because at that immediate time, they feel good, even though they are not good.
Likkeeee this weekend. I got crazy, drank, took Xanax, maybe smoked (I can't even remember) went home with Matt, told him I was in love with him (?!) and basically cried and whined about why he didn't want to "be" with me.
WHAT. THE. FUCK. What the fuck is seriously wrong with me?
Naturally, he hasn't talked to me since then. I can't imagine why.
I am taking this way better than I thought I would. Maybe I thought I did love him (we can love everyone, right!), regardless, it was clearly not what he wanted, and who gets fucked up and does that shit!? So much for patience and making positive decisions.
HOWEVER, this is naturally some sort of vibration that I was attracting. I never expected to really like him. And then when I did, and he knew, I expected him to quit talking to me. Maybe I decided it didn't happen fast enough, but it was going to happen, so I pushed it.
Maybe I can't even say maybe. Because I know it's the truth.
Do I regret it? Kind of. He wasn't making any positive impact on my life anyway, other than testing my patience. Which is good for me, but which I can learn in other, healthier ways. Maybe he taught me alone time is good. Or made me realize it. I think he did. I guess that's all there was to offer.
I feel sad and relieved at the same time. Part of me thinks there might have been more there. The other part of me is glad to be finished with the uncertainty. Life is full of uncertainty though, right? Ugh idk.
All I DO know is that your relationships are not only a reflection of who you are and what you need. So if it is over, then it is :-) and I have to accept and deal. Which I will.
.....................................
(Update)
As soon as I posted this I checked Twitter and had a message from him (?! right?!) saying his phone has been off. I wasn't really sure how to repond to that, but I somehow did.
I guess we'll see what happens now, huh? How strange, how truly strange.
Alsoooo....what is HE thinking?! lol. Like, I have showed him how intensely crazy I can be. And he's ok with that?! I mean, if he's ok, then I'm ok. It makes me glad really. But how strange.
I think he loves me.
I was going to start this post differently, but then I saw this picture (word pic?) on Twitter, and it made me think. If you click it, if it works, it's about hugging. I hate hugging. Like, do not touch me. I don't like hugging anyone. On occasion, if I'm seeing someone or in a relationship, it's ok. I'll cuddle with them, which is kind of the same? But I don't like when my friend, parents, family, or ESPECIALLY strangers hug me. I mean, I hug people. It's something people are supposed to do. I just don't enjoy it. There has to be some hidden reason for that, wouldn't you think? I know I've touched on it before, but every time it comes up, it just really makes me think.
Anyway, I actually started this post because I was going to talk about Spirit Science ( thespiritscience.net check it out) and how I joined their forum today. Best, self-loving decision EVER. Literally. I made a post about how I need to be happy learning to be alone and really love myself (I made poor decisions this weekend, surprise!) and got immediate, insightful responses. That's love. It immediately expanded my heart. It almost made me cry.
One of the responders told me that distinguishing between being "alone" and being "lonely" is a big part of it. As soon as I read that, I realized that I am appreciating my alone time more and more recently. Another responder told me that they feel I am closer than I think I am because I am aware of my self-love deficiencies. I would agree with that. Awareness is always the first step toward any change, isn't it?
The last responder talked about hobbies and how we have the ability to do/be anything we want.
All of these responses resonated with me in a deep way, as they should with most individuals. But they were just what I needed to hear, in a time of need. And that is more important than anything.
Which is why I feel this forum is so important. Especially for me, right now. In a time where I am trying to attract positive vibrations, I often chose the negative vibrations because at that immediate time, they feel good, even though they are not good.
Likkeeee this weekend. I got crazy, drank, took Xanax, maybe smoked (I can't even remember) went home with Matt, told him I was in love with him (?!) and basically cried and whined about why he didn't want to "be" with me.
WHAT. THE. FUCK. What the fuck is seriously wrong with me?
Naturally, he hasn't talked to me since then. I can't imagine why.
I am taking this way better than I thought I would. Maybe I thought I did love him (we can love everyone, right!), regardless, it was clearly not what he wanted, and who gets fucked up and does that shit!? So much for patience and making positive decisions.
HOWEVER, this is naturally some sort of vibration that I was attracting. I never expected to really like him. And then when I did, and he knew, I expected him to quit talking to me. Maybe I decided it didn't happen fast enough, but it was going to happen, so I pushed it.
Maybe I can't even say maybe. Because I know it's the truth.
Do I regret it? Kind of. He wasn't making any positive impact on my life anyway, other than testing my patience. Which is good for me, but which I can learn in other, healthier ways. Maybe he taught me alone time is good. Or made me realize it. I think he did. I guess that's all there was to offer.
I feel sad and relieved at the same time. Part of me thinks there might have been more there. The other part of me is glad to be finished with the uncertainty. Life is full of uncertainty though, right? Ugh idk.
All I DO know is that your relationships are not only a reflection of who you are and what you need. So if it is over, then it is :-) and I have to accept and deal. Which I will.
.....................................
(Update)
As soon as I posted this I checked Twitter and had a message from him (?! right?!) saying his phone has been off. I wasn't really sure how to repond to that, but I somehow did.
I guess we'll see what happens now, huh? How strange, how truly strange.
Alsoooo....what is HE thinking?! lol. Like, I have showed him how intensely crazy I can be. And he's ok with that?! I mean, if he's ok, then I'm ok. It makes me glad really. But how strange.
I think he loves me.
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