3 1/2 hour workdays always seem longer

During the summer we have the option to stay later through the week and leave at noon on Fridays.  Obviously I take advantage of this.  But coming to work for only 3 1/2 hours always makes it seem like forever.  Probably because I like to get all my work done before today, which leaves me with nothing to do, therefore I get bored.  So what better to do than jabber about useless thoughts that come into my head? 

Speaking of useless thoughts, I'm going to North Carolina soon to visit the relatives.  Ashley is going with me.  We're thinking September or October. Now that I think about it, Oct is probably better since it's after Italian Fest and I'm on the committee so I'll have a lot to do that month.  Jana Rae's fiance cheated on her or something.  I'm not sure of the entire story, she hasn't told me and I'm not going to bug her about it.  But I thought I would go visit for support.  Also I haven't seen her since we were small children.  Since Vicki will be living there, maybe I'll visit her too.  It should be a good time. 

Speaking of Ashley, we're going shopping when I leave work.  I need some clothing bad.  And Ashley owes me $100, so I look at that as free money.  And I got paid yesterday. 

This week has been so boring.  Both at work and at home.  Well, kinda at home.  Anyway, next week should be fun.  Brian Heth is coming in town, I told him we would go to strip clubs b/c he's never been lol.  I am somewhat afraid to hang out with him because I think he might try to have sex with me.  Which sounds cocky, but it's not because he told me he wanted to have sex with me.  But he's talking to someone now anddd I'm talking to Matt (or something) so hopefully the subject won't come up.

Speaking of weird situations, Ashley cousin text me and asked if I wanted to go to the lake Sunday.  I don't lol.  Is it weird that I feel shitty about not being interested in him?  Because I do feel shitty about it.  I don't know why, it really shouldn't matter.  Maybe just because it's Ashley's cousin.  And he's kind of persistent.  Idk.

Also my family leaves for Jamaica on the 16th.  This is great because they won't be around to annoy the fuck out of me, but I'm also kind of scared to be at home by myself.  Which is completely irrational.  So I hope I get over that really quickly.  Our house is just so big and has so many ways to get in....omg.  I might go stay with Ashley.  Maybe Matt will stay with me a few days.

This weekend the Texans are coming in town.  Well, not all of them, but Kristie, David, Erin, Todd and the baby, who I believe is named Wyatt.  What a Texan name ahahaa!  I haven't seen Erin since her wedding, which I believe was 4 years ago.  So that will be nice.  This will also include several family dinners, which I always enjoy because my family is entertaining.  And they make good food.  Especially my grandma.  Granmam food is the best food in the world.  OH!  And Hayden will be around for entertainment.  She is the funniest kid ever.  I can't believe she's going to be 4 in August.

Speaking of kids and thinking about how everyone has kids, how do people do that?  I actually like a lot of kids, but I would have NO idea what to do with one of my own.  But I guess no one does, do they?  Either way, I'm glad I started my period because there's always that fear (even if you haven't had sex in months) that you're going to be pregnant.  It's horrifying. 

What's more horrifying are stories like that "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant" show.  Fucking kill me if that ever happens to me.  Seriously.  OR if I ever did get pregnant and had twins.  I have always had this weird feeling that if I do have kids, I'll have two at once.  Maybe just because that sounds like the scariest thing ever.  I think I would hate whoever impregnanted me. 

.....I'm trying to think of something else to talk about  because if I post this, I go back to having nothing to do.  It's 10:30 right now, so I have an hour and a half left. 

Oh, so I'm reading that Deepak Chopra book, right?  The chapter that I read yesterday talked about this way to meditate on your heart to open it.  It was really awesome and I want to try it.  I am pretty bad at meditating, I will admit.  It's freaking hard.  To completely clear your thoughts?  I can't even do that when I'm trying to sleep.  But it takes practice.  I should practice more, really.  I mean, it is good for you.

I like that Deepak approaches the topic of love in an unconventional manner.  People always view love as fairy tale bullshit.  I HATE that shit.  Ashley calls me a "hater of love".  I tell her I'm not a hater of love, I'm a realist.  This infuriates her for some reason, so I always say it.  But I am NOT a hater of love.  The cultural view of love is wrong.  It isn't "I love this person or that person", because everyone is connected, so it's I love EVERYONE, including myself.  People seek love to help them feel whole.  It never works.  You have to personally feel whole before you can be with someone.  I have talked about that before.  That is why there are so many problems with relationships and marriages.

I'm only a few chapters into the book and I really like it so far, so I'm sure I'll have a lot more to say about it.

Switching topics again, I've hung out with Matt kind of a lot this week.  I took Errity's blog advice about letting go of expectations (what a great post that was, I'm going to link to it at the end of this, everyone should read it.  She is a much better writer than I am).  I never realized how a person's expectations are the only thing that give you a view of a "good" or "bad" day.  And my expectations from Matt were definitely getting the best of me.

That and after my crazy episode last weekend, I decided I needed to back up and chill the fuck out.  This is another crazy, personal thought that I can't help but think.  Maybe after I get it out it will go away:  Isn't it kind of weird that I threw a little crazy baby fit this weekend and I've seen Matt more than usual?  Definitely over thinking it, but I can't help that.  He hasn't mentioned last weekend and neither have I.  I do think that he is in love with me and afraid to admit it.  But, whatever.  I'm actually happy with the way things are right now.

Also, all I can think about is having sex with him and I'm on my period and it's killing me.  Periods are fucking lame life ruiners.  I find it strange that I like having sex with him.  But I want to all the time.  And now it's all I'm thinking about.  Ughhhh!  How (sexually) frustratingggg.  Day is ruined!  Jk.

It's not that I don't think about having sex with other people.  Because I do (and I don't think that ever stops).  But I know if I did, he probably wouldn't talk to me anymore...or have sex with me lol.  And I don't want that.  And usually when you have sex with someone one time, it's not that good anyway.  I think emotional connections make sex better.  I don't know why it took me 25 years to figure that out, but it definitely did.

I guess that's all the uselessness I have to say for today.  Did not mean to rhyme that, but whatever lol.

Here's Errity's blog link for the Expectations post: 
http://operationevolve.blogspot.com/2012/06/expectations.html