Books are confusing

Books are not really confusing.  But when you're reading three at the same time, they can be.

I'm reading Tolle's A New Earth, Chopra's The Path to Love (which now that I type that...makes me sound like a weirdo) and Stephen King's Full Dark, No Moon, which is contradictory to the others.  I would say I'm reading King to lighten the mood of the other books, but clearly that would be a lie.  I guess I'm reading it to detach from myself.  Discovering yourself can be a heavy matter.

Speaking of, Chopra's book I'm reading isn't necessarily about love, it's about healing yourself to be more accepting of yourself, and therefore, love.  I started reading it before the others because I realized while dating Chris that I wasn't fully healed from Tim's abuse.  I always thought that talking about bad experiences made you feel better about them, and it does, in a way.  But it doesn't heal you completely. 

I did go to counseling for awhile.  The problem with me going to counseling is that I'm a pretty self aware person.  People who are psychologists, psychiatrists & even psychoanalysts (I've been to all three) are used speaking to people who are unaware of their problem.  Or they are unaware of why they feel a certain way because of the problem.  I don't have these issues.  My issue stems from fixing the problem and changing my thoughts about the problem.  No one can tell you how to do that, although I wish they could. 

Solutions are often simple yet rarely easy.

So I started to look inside my self for the solution and realized that I needed a lot of personal healing.  I think that everyone needs to look inside themselves and heal what hurts them.  It would make the human race collectively happier and help us to expand our consciousness. 

Chris was unfortunately a casualty of both my inner pain and personal healing.  I shouldn't feel bad for doing what I needed to do for myself.  But I do. 

I think I mainly feel bad because he is such an emotional person and seems to not have the desire to look inward to help himself.  I know he understands how to do this, we've discussed it many times.  We've also discussed the importance of positive thoughts and the impact they have on your life, but he's clearly not doing that either.

Everything he projects towards me is negative.  I wish he could see that just because he loves me that his life is not over because our relationship is.  Every time I think I can talk to him like a friend, I find I am wrong. 

I had shied away from mentioning anything about seeing someone because I didn't want him to feel I was shoving it in his face.  Also, when we broke up I told him I needed to find myself, by myself.  To him, this means I will be by myself forever.

He mentioned my uncle the other day and I told him I was kind of upset with my uncle so I haven't spoken to him.  I told him I didn't want to discuss why.  He asked several times, so finally I told him the reason, which was my uncle being disrespectful towards Matt.  Chris flipped out and hung up on me. 

He said it was a "slap in the face".  What he doesn't understand is that I AM by myself.  Just because I am seeing someone doesn't mean anything.  Matt is not personally invasive to me whatsoever.  In fact, he's the opposite.  Aside from him not wanting me to sleep with people (which, in reality, is good for me to have someone to tell me not to) he has no control over my life, and I have none in his. 

As I'm sure I've mentioned before, a person cannot really be happy with someone else until they are happy with themselves.  I am working on being happy with myself.  Yes, I like Matt, but in the long run, he will have no affect on my personal happiness with myself.  If anything, he is aiding in it.  That being said, I hope that Chris discovers true, full happiness.  And I hope it's not pseudo-happiness in the form of a girlfriend/wife, though I feel it unfortunately will be.

Going back to my uncle though, I am still kind of upset with him.  I should talk to him about it, but I feel like he might lecture me or give me a fake "whatever makes you happy" kind of thing.  I mentioned before how alike he and I are.  And we are, but I have chosen to...I don't even know what to call it.  Like I said, my family is somewhat judgmental and also superficial.  I strive to be neither of those things. 

I will say my grandpa is the exception to both of those things.  Which I had always known (and forgot), but I had a great conversation with him the other day.  One in which my mom and grandma both interrupted. 

I love my grandma as if she is my mother because she had a big part in raising me, but sometimes she can be embarrassing and especially superficial.  Which is strange; you would think my gradpa would have worn off on her a bit after all these years.

I will say they were never superficial about Chris, which has been especially irritating in my seperation with him.  NO, I do not know what Chris is doing today, or how he is doing, so please stop asking me.  Also do not ask me to call/text him with a question you have.  If you must talk to him, do it yourself.

Anyway, to wrap this up: books are not confusing and are insightful.  Always try to heal yourself; strive for personal excellence.  Solutions are often simple but rarely easy :-)

Namaste, friends!