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I was going to start this post differently, but then I saw this picture (word pic?) on Twitter, and it made me think. If you click it, if it works, it's about hugging. I hate hugging. Like, do not touch me. I don't like hugging anyone. On occasion, if I'm seeing someone or in a relationship, it's ok. I'll cuddle with them, which is kind of the same? But I don't like when my friend, parents, family, or ESPECIALLY strangers hug me. I mean, I hug people. It's something people are supposed to do. I just don't enjoy it. There has to be some hidden reason for that, wouldn't you think? I know I've touched on it before, but every time it comes up, it just really makes me think.
Anyway, I actually started this post because I was going to talk about Spirit Science ( thespiritscience.net check it out) and how I joined their forum today. Best, self-loving decision EVER. Literally. I made a post about how I need to be happy learning to be alone and really love myself (I made poor decisions this weekend, surprise!) and got immediate, insightful responses. That's love. It immediately expanded my heart. It almost made me cry.
One of the responders told me that distinguishing between being "alone" and being "lonely" is a big part of it. As soon as I read that, I realized that I am appreciating my alone time more and more recently. Another responder told me that they feel I am closer than I think I am because I am aware of my self-love deficiencies. I would agree with that. Awareness is always the first step toward any change, isn't it?
The last responder talked about hobbies and how we have the ability to do/be anything we want.
All of these responses resonated with me in a deep way, as they should with most individuals. But they were just what I needed to hear, in a time of need. And that is more important than anything.
Which is why I feel this forum is so important. Especially for me, right now. In a time where I am trying to attract positive vibrations, I often chose the negative vibrations because at that immediate time, they feel good, even though they are not good.
Likkeeee this weekend. I got crazy, drank, took Xanax, maybe smoked (I can't even remember) went home with Matt, told him I was in love with him (?!) and basically cried and whined about why he didn't want to "be" with me.
WHAT. THE. FUCK. What the fuck is seriously wrong with me?
Naturally, he hasn't talked to me since then. I can't imagine why.
I am taking this way better than I thought I would. Maybe I thought I did love him (we can love everyone, right!), regardless, it was clearly not what he wanted, and who gets fucked up and does that shit!? So much for patience and making positive decisions.
HOWEVER, this is naturally some sort of vibration that I was attracting. I never expected to really like him. And then when I did, and he knew, I expected him to quit talking to me. Maybe I decided it didn't happen fast enough, but it was going to happen, so I pushed it.
Maybe I can't even say maybe. Because I know it's the truth.
Do I regret it? Kind of. He wasn't making any positive impact on my life anyway, other than testing my patience. Which is good for me, but which I can learn in other, healthier ways. Maybe he taught me alone time is good. Or made me realize it. I think he did. I guess that's all there was to offer.
I feel sad and relieved at the same time. Part of me thinks there might have been more there. The other part of me is glad to be finished with the uncertainty. Life is full of uncertainty though, right? Ugh idk.
All I DO know is that your relationships are not only a reflection of who you are and what you need. So if it is over, then it is :-) and I have to accept and deal. Which I will.
.....................................
(Update)
As soon as I posted this I checked Twitter and had a message from him (?! right?!) saying his phone has been off. I wasn't really sure how to repond to that, but I somehow did.
I guess we'll see what happens now, huh? How strange, how truly strange.
Alsoooo....what is HE thinking?! lol. Like, I have showed him how intensely crazy I can be. And he's ok with that?! I mean, if he's ok, then I'm ok. It makes me glad really. But how strange.
I think he loves me.
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