Something is off and it's affecting me. I know what it is.
I shouldn't have called Chris to kill the snake. He has been talking to me, a lot. He asked me to come over the other day.
It's not that I hate him. I don't hate anyone. And I don't even dislike him. Or have any reason to hate/dislike him. I just know I can't talk to him like a friend, like I want to, because of his emotional attachment to me.
He says he's over it, but that can't be true. And if we do hang out...what are we going to do anyway? It just seems like it would be strange and awkward to me. And I don't want him to think there's a chance that we'll get back together. Because we won't. I am done with that relationship; it was serving me no purpose.
I read something (probably an OMG fact on Twitter or something dumb lol) that said it takes something like 17 months and so many days to get over a long term relationship. I mean, I broke up with Chris, so I think it's different. But I do still care about him.
What I hate is my family caring. When I told my mom he had been talking to me and asked me to come over, she was like, "Awww...you don't like him at all anymore?" but it's not about that. They don't get it. I was with him for four years, of course I care about him. Like I said, it wasn't serving me any purpose. I felt stuck; I was stuck. You should be able to grow and evolve in relationships. Not feel stuck.
I still feel that this is some kind of blockage in my life though. I hate it because I don't know what to do about it.
I can say I know why I am in love with Matt, but don't want to be in a serious relationship with him. It's because I am afraid to fall into that same rut that I did with Chris. And I feel as if that will happen if I don't discover and love myself first.
I don't know. I am in a really good mood today, but I feel really "off" for some reason.
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