I feel I'm a pretty real person. That being said, I'm about to get really real and admit things that I have not admitted to myself. I may have to work on this for several days before publishing.
....SO, as I talk about often, I am working on healing myself. Life is traumatic on many levels, for many reasons, in a different way for every person. Every situation affects each individual differently. We see this in abuse cases, drug addiction and every day life.
One of the main things I am working on in my life, that ties into self-love, is being less destructive to myself. From a very young age I've been a self destructive person.
I would say it started when I was around 10, I started cutting myself. Not intensely, but at 25, I still have some of the scars.
I lost my virginity at a very young age (13), in a shitty circumstance. First of all, a 13 year old shouldn't be in a sexual circumstance, so that makes any circumstance shitty. I was not raped, I will say that. But losing your virginity at such a young age has a profound impact on your life. Or maybe it does at any age, but I can't testify to that. All I know is that after that, I slept with way too many people for the wrong reasons. It was not that I was looking for love; it was the opposite actually. I wanted to use people like I felt I had been used. No one wins in that situation.
I also smoked pot for the first time when I was thirteen, as well as get obliterated drunk shortly after at fourteen. Eight grade to be exact. I think for many kids now, this is somewhat normal. The situations they occurred under were not normal though, and happened often. Looking back at it, I actually had a great time, so it's whatever. Just a building block, I suppose.
When I was 16 I was put on heavy antidepressants, Klonopins. They're similar to Xanax. My doctor told me I was bi-polar. What a fucking moron. I was a zombie for several years off and on (through changing medications) until I was prescribed Lexapro, a general antianxiety/antidepressant, along with a low dose of Xanax. I only took the Xanax when I had a panic attack. Which is a stupid way to conquer a problem when you think about it.
When I was 19 I overdosed on the prescribed Xanax. I was in intensive care for a few days (I can't even remember how long) and had to be evaluated before I was allowed to leave. That's actually where I met the psychoanalyst I used to see, he was a nice man, but I had to move on as he was not helping me anymore. I did go to him for several years though. He was probably the first person to help me realize that I just really didn't like myself.
My Xanax prescription was taken away after the overdose, which was fine. I didn't take it for a few years. Then I asked for it back, but it is rigidly controlled. Unlike the 90 count I used to get, I now get 15. And I save them. It's shit anyway, not only is it addictive, but you need more and more every time you take it. So I'm ok with not having a lot. They zombie me out for sure.
I was never much of a drinker until I was 21. I started dating Chris then, and between still hurting from the previous domestic abuse and Chris' family owning several bars, I started to drink a lot. Not out of control drinking, but when I drank (and still now) I got out of control sometimes. I am really amazed that I have never been seriously physically hurt or arrested to be honest.
I still get black out drunk pretty often. I usually don't save my Xanax for panic attics; I take them when I'm drinking. I know these things aren't good for me, yet I do them anyway. I know a lot of people do. But I have recounted some of the things that I do when in this state. I am clearly trying to bury things within myself.
That being said, I am better than I was in December. When Chris and I broke up and he told me he was about to propose to me, I was a disaster. I am grateful to him and Ashley both for making me realize what I was doing to myself. Which I knew, in a detached, uncaring way.
These things being said, I have a lot to work on. Especially because, and this is the most disturbing part, some days I wish I could just be a bum drug addict. Which is strange, considering I don't have an addictive personality and have never been addicted to anything. But for some reason, on same days, I wish I could give up and waste my days fucked up on some nasty shit.
One time, when my parents were going through their marital problems, my dad was telling me how my mom was molested when she was a little girl. He asked if anything bad had ever happened to me. I said I don't think so, but I know sometimes people repress these things. Especially if they occurred before an age where your mind can really process what's going on. I wonder if that's why I have some problems with intimacy. True intimacy, not sexual acts. The fact that I have always been ok with sexual acts and less ok with real emotion is somewhat troublesome to me.
Laying all these things out there sucks. But admitting my downfalls helps to fall less. So there it is.
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