All by myself

My parents are in Jamaica this week.  I decided not to go because I spend way too much time with them.  Plus, I had no one to go with really.  So I stayed to watch the house and I took some says off from work to relax in silence.  It has been a nice growing experience.  Today is my first day back at work.

I spent a lot of time with Ashley because I was bored out of my mind.  Last night I hung out with Matt.  A lot of time I just spent alone, reading, watching tv, meditating, whatever.  It was nice, even though I was bored.  Definitely makes me feel more independent and self-sufficient.

Monday though, I had a mini-meltdown.  Let me start with Sunday.  Sunday was Father's Day.  Obviously my dad was gone & so was Ashley's, so we went to dinner together.  I got drunk by myself after that because I was bored and depressed about being alone b/c Matt went to Danny's or something.

So Monday I wake up, bored as fuck again.  Run, shower, etc.  Go outside to feed fish, let cat out.  Cat was stalking something near the pond...OH IT'S A SNAKE.  With one of our pond-fish in it's mouth.  Grab cat, throw her inside, proceed to freak out majorly.

I am not particularly afraid of snakes.  But that doesn't mean I want them near me or my cat.  Also, it was a Northern Water Snake, so while it's not poisonous, it has an anticoagulant in it's venom, making it easier to bleed to death if it bites you, as well as one of the most painful bites.  ALSOOO, I used to have terrifying dreams of snakes biting me, so that kind of ruined snakes for me.  And it was eating our fish.

So I freak out and call Chris because he's a snake catcher or something (not really, he likes to do that) and after some convincing, he comes over and kills it.  I still feel bad about the dead snake.  But the neighbor boys had relocated it and it came back, so, sorry snakey. 

Anyway, seeing Chris was strange and I've been kind of cry-ey lately (not a word, I know).  So after he left I promptly started bawling hysterically and I don't even know why.  I'm not attracted to him anymore.  I think it was just memories and companionship.  I mean, we were really close.  Too close really.  That's what made it not fun anymore.  We were like, the same.  That's not healthy in a relationship.

I was also irritated I hadn't heard from Matt.  So Ash came over to keep me company around 9, about the same time Matt text me to come over, duh.  Fucker.  I didn't go, obviously. I wouldn't have even if Ashley didn't come over.  That shit annoys me.

I did, however, hang out with him last night.  Apparently I was kind of drunk because I feel kind of shitty today and I'm extremely tired.  Figures, first day at work this week.  Whatever though.  Sex would have been better, but I didn't feel like having sex last night. 

So I noticed something last night, and I told Shaila about it.  Her response was unsatisfactory, though I'm not sure what would have been a satisfactory answer.  Anyway, when I'm not with Matt, I don't really care.  I mean, yeah, I want to hang out with him and sometimes I miss him, but it's not like, super intense or anything.  But when I'm with him I want to be with him forever, in an intense way. 

This is strange to me because I've never really felt like that.  I'm not sure what it's about?  Maybe I am fighting my feelings for him (or scared) and when I'm with him I can't?  I don't know.  I don't want to think about it really.

Moving on (away) from that topic. 

Friday I'm supposed to go out with Ashley and her friend Katie from work.  Actually, I think we'll be living with Katie come February.  Anyway, I can't decide if I want to go or not.  For several reasons, all equal.  My parents come home Sat, I don't want to be too hungover to pick shit up, not that it's really messy.  I would kind of like to hang out with Matt before my parents come home and have crazy sex with him.  This is kind of an expectation, and I shouldn't have it and should probably let it go.  Lori also has a Girl's Night planned for Sat.  I would like to go, but know I won't go if I am hungover. 

BUTTTT if I don't go, Ashley is going to be super mad.  Which is fucking lameeeee!  Maybe I could go for a little bit and then come home?  That's not a bad idea.  Or go out and if Matt gets ahold of me come home?  But pretend I'm not coming home to hang with him because that's lame?  Fuck.  This is stupid.