Manifestation

This may be crazy, but I don't think it is.  If anyone reads this, reader, you may think it's crazy.  But it's not.  Especially if you understand that what you put out into the world is, in fact, energy.  And that the energy will, in fact, come back to you.  Not in the sense of Americanized "karma" but in the sense of real karma, in the sense of vibrations, the sense of a..."manifest destiny", so to speak.  

Those things being said, if something for Chris doesn't change soon, (ie-his disposition, vibrations and thoughts) he is going to die.  I know this inherently.  After the conversation I had with my grandpa tonight, I think my grandpa feels that too.

This is intensely scary for me, but for no real reason.  Death is not something to fear.  There is no Heaven or Hell.  After physical death is natural spirit state.  I have never been afraid of my own death, clearly, being in intensive care for an overdose.  I am not afraid for death for anyone else.  I guess it's just the pain from the survivors that I am afraid of.  And also the blame.  I feel as if I will blame myself.  

That being said, I felt the need to address this.  After the conversation with my grandpa, thoughts I've had, and an article by Teal Scott, I need to let it out.  Maybe it won't happen.  I hope not.

Either way, since I broke up with Chris, he has managed to bring nothing but negativity into his life.  Literally a day after we broke up, he burned this shit out of his hand.  Extensively.  Emergency room visit, antibiotics, whole 9 yards.  About 10 days after that he had a 103 degree fever, no meds, no thermometer to check his temp and was delusional.  Had I not called and realized something was wrong, he could have had brain damage, or died.  Last week, a battery powered drill turned on in his arm, resulting in 16 stitches.  He also found out his dad may have cancer.  

I just don't understand how a person can manifest all of this into his/her life.  Why would you want to?  For sympathy?  Because you really do want to die?  I just can't grasp it.  

With all of this being said, I hope he does fix it.  Life cannot be enjoyable in that state. 

Self Love

"You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection" -Buddha

I have a problem with self love.  It is something I have been working on over the past few months.  I think it's actually getting slightly better, but it's hard to tell.  I can say my extremes are a little less extreme. 

I emailed a lady who is a "spiritual catalyst" a few months back.  Her name is Teal Scott.  I love her.  She told me that I have a problem with self love and to fix it, I need to answer every question in my life after asking "What would someone who loved themselves do"?  And then whatever thought is the 1st thought that pops into my head, go with that answer.  That seems pretty flawed to me, only because I think my thoughts are fucked up.  But I think it's supposed to teach me to make decisions on what I really want, and base these decisions on my heart, not my brain.

(Completely unrelated side note: I love being told I'm smart.  Someone just told me I was smart.  Ok, that's not unrelated, I AM smart and I love that about myself :-)  )

So, with these things being said, I am going to start a list of things I love about myself.  Hopefully this will make me more self aware and appreciative of myself.  We'll start with the previous interruption:

I love that I am smart
I love that I am self aware, or at least always trying to become more self aware
I love that I have grown to be better person than I was in high school and even in college
I love that even though I have grown as a person, I try to continue my personal growth
I love that I read a lot and am always willing to learn
I love that I am open minded
I love that I am finally doing things for myself and not for anyone else
I love that I am good at my job
I love that I am compassionate and have rediscovered this compassion in myself
I love that I am learning to be patient (I just said this to someone else, and I do love it, but then I followed up with "But it's taking forever" hahaa...which is true, but clearly also necessary)
I love that I am learning and understanding that the universe does provide you with what you need.
This is really weird, BUT I love that even though I am a girl, I can definitely embrace by guy-side.  I have a terrible mouth, and I don't care :-)
I love that even though I may not fully love myself, I stick by my decisions, move on & learn from my mistakes
I love that even though I am weird, I really, really like my weirdness
I love that I am open to making new friends everywhere I go
I love that I talk a lot
I love that people like to be around me
I love that I am open and honest
I love that I can admit when I'm wrong

That's a pretty good list really.  I am kind of impressed with myself.

What a relief

While I just breathed a huge sigh of relief, I still feel like I might have a panic attack at any second. 

I just finished talking to my boss about the Little Rock move.  I've been beside myself with anxiety because even with the raise, I doubt I could afford to move.  Not right now when I still have my car payments, I'm trying to pay off my credit card, andddd I start repayment on my student loans in June.  Then to have rent and utilities on top of that, while working on a non-profit salary...this makes me want to have a panic attack again.

Also, Mary told me that Amy had at least three opportunities before her promotion, but didn't want to move.  That being said...I could end up somewhere wayyyy cooler than Arkansas.  Which makes me feel a lot better and like I'm not giving up my only opportunity.  Thank freaking God.

Now I just have to figure out how to repay my stupid loans; they don't make this shit easy.  And I get to live with Ashley now.  YAYYYY BEST FRIENDSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!

I still feel like I might projectile vomit at any second.

Family dynamics

I just went downstairs to grab my computer, since, you know, it's not really mine...
Anyway, my mom asked what books I ordered and I said, "Ohhh, you know, a bunch by Deepak Chopra and one by Stephen King".  And she responded with, "Oh good, Deepak Chopra".  Sounds nice, but she was being sarcastic.  Funny to me both that she even knows who he is, and if she does, why she is sarcastic about it.


This made me start thinking about the dynamics of a family and how they affect a person's development.  More importantly, how one identifies with "one's self", ie- the ego.  Our human experience is deeply based on the environment we grow up in, as well as biological & psychological factors.


All of that being said, I would like to discuss my family dynamics. 


I have always been deeply misunderstood in my family.  I don't say this (anymore) with anger or resentment.  My parents have heavily relied on me, not as a child, but almost as an equal.  


Since the time my brother was born, I made the decision to be independent and do things for myself.  Yes, I still live at home.  That is my own decision, and also a wholeeee different story.  But since he was born (I was 6) I have made my own lunches, gotten myself up in the morning, picked out my own clothes, and completed weekly chores.  No one ever told me to do this, I just wanted to help my mom out.


Had I never made the decision to do these things myself, my mom would have done them for me...maybe for ever.  She still is with my brother, who is now 19.  


Ever since I decided to do things on my own, my opinion on things has been heavily regarded by my parents.  Besides when my dad was being crazy...which is also a whole different story.  But they have asked for assistance in raising my brother, (he used to call me Momma Brit) which is a big part in why I may never have children.  They've asked me about house-purchasing decisions, let me know about their financial situation, and also allowed me to work through their marital problems with them.


I will never, ever know why they made these decisions.  I do not understand it, and I probably never will.  They were so incredibly young and naive when they had me, I almost think that they view me as a peer and not a child.  Not that I am a child, but clearly I am their child.


Not only do they treat me very, very differently than my brother, but my extended family (namely my mom's side) treat me very different as well.  I assume that this is because my grandma was heavily involved in my upbringing, and because of that, my uncle and I are very close.  We are only 8 years apart in age.  He was obviously around a lot, and I spent the majority of my time at my grandma's house while my parents were at work.


I definitely identify more with my grandma and uncle than I do the rest of the family.  I have a lot of my dad's personality traits, but my uncle and I are so similar, it's kind of strange.  Even though I am more like them, I am still very separate and different.  My family is often somewhat judgmental, and this makes me feel very different from them.


Everyone can be judgmental.  I cannot say that I am free of judgment. I try very hard to distance myself from it, especially if the judged person's decision makes them clearly happy.  And also, who really gives a fuck what someone else is doing?  If it were up to me, we would all be hugging, love, meditating and raising our vibrations.


With that being said, I don't like to be touched.  Which is really strange, for several reasons.  For one, I am all about love.  Everyone should love everyone.  For another, my parents always hugged me, as well as the rest of my family hugged a lot.  The main reason it's strange to me is because the only people I am ever affectionate toward is whoever I am romantically involved with.  I wonder if I am smothering to them or if they still consider me distant?  This is something I am just now realizing, so I'm going to pay more attention.  It probably doesn't matter either way, in the way of oneness, right?  I know.


I could go a lot more into my family and my upbringing.  But really, it gives me a headache.  I love them, I really do.  But their insensitivities (and sadly stupidity) really kill me sometimes.

Downhill from spiritualism with low frequencies

What a fancy title for bitching!!  I hope this allows me to vent and forget it all.

I figured I would do this before I get in the car with Ashley, get drunk, and she punches me and/or tries to drown me.

Speaking of, that bitch is always trying to punch me...what a best friend.

Anyway.

I want a fucking kitten!  I want to leave work NOW.  I want people on Facebook to SHUT THE FUCK ABOUT about their children.  And while they're at it, stop posting pictures of their food.  I want a vacation.  To Denmark.  I want to move out of this country.  I want to kick someone, really, really hard.  I want to never have to hear the song "Call me, maybe" EVER AGAIN.  Speaking of kicking, I would kick that bitch in the crotch.  I want to never have to wear pants.  I want my uncle to apologize to me for being a dickhead.  I want people to not be so dumb.  I want to have control over my emotions instead of letting insanity control me.  I want to strangle my brother for being useless.  And my parents for allowing it.  I want to punch Chris in the crotch for being a dumbass and ruining my week.  I would LOVE to stab someone with a stiletto. 

I'm leaving now.  Early.  BECAUSE I FUCKING CAN.

Ohhhh man

Once again, it's Friday.  I have a four day weekend and I'm going to the ozarks.  I hope that I will be able to enjoy it, because once again my psychotic, big mouth got the best of me.  I really need to stop letting my emotions (crazyyyy, inane emotions) rule my mouth.  It has accomplished nothing in my life.

I don't know what's been wrong with me lately.  For the past few Thursdays, I have been losing my mind.  I feel like shit all day, I'm super emotional and I've been lashing out for no reason.  And crying a lot.  Only on Thursdays though.  It's really strange and unsettling for me.

Also, I think I have completely pushed Matt away.  I flipped shit on him last night, for noooo reason at all.  Told him to fuck off and that he was selfish and other crazy shit.  What is wrong with me?!  I was saying how I give a lot of myself to him, but get nothing back.  And that's not even necessarily true!  I don't give THAT much, I am pretty reserved with him, actually.  So idk what I was even talking about.  I just had a bad day and wanted to see him but didn't want to go drinking.  I was the one being selfish!

Then, directly after I said it, I was reading my book (the one Shay's mom gave me) and it talked about giving yourself to others and how you should expect nothing back.  And then it talked about selfishness andddd then I burst into tears.  Naturally, right?  Way to be a dumb girl, Brittni.  But isn't that strange how that worked out? 

I text him at like 1am last night because I couldn't sleep because I was distraught and told him I was sorry and that I hope he doesn't hate me.  Then I text him this morning and said something like, I guess you do?  He hasn't responded :-( It's kind of killing me.  And makes me want to cry, again.  I think I like him more than I thought I did.  Personal fail.

I know I can move on, but I really like being around him.  I really hope he doesn't hate me orrr think I'm crazy. 

Man, this sucks.

Revisiting

The other day I mentioned that I needed to define my goals.  This is true, but it's going to be very difficult because my goals are conflicting.  I contribute this to being, for once, a typical female.  Which never happens to me.  I don't think I'm a typical human being, let alone a typical female.  But who really feels they are?  Who knows.

All of this jabber is arbitrary, I'm just avoiding this because I don't know where to start. 

I guess I could start with the most vague and simplistic goal I have, which is to be happy.  I don't think anyone wants to be miserable, but considering the state of the world, I think many people might enjoy being miserable.  So, I feel that it can't be said that everyone has this goal.  Because if they did, they would work towards it, right?  Instead of being a moping bag of shit?  I think so.  I could be wrong.  But this is about me right now, not them.

So, if I want to be happy, I have to do things that are going to aid in my happiness (duh).  Ultimately in life, I want to do these things: travel as many places as possible (expensive) and help others (super cheap).  It is my belief that these things are directly correlated.  If one selflessly helps others, one will be rewarded by the universe for serving the greater good.  Or I would hope. 

Now here is the girl side of me: I don't want to do these things alone.  As I have said before, I am very companion oriented.  I like to have someone to share my experiences with.  The problem with this is, I have not found someone with the same desires as me.  Which is ok, for now.  Especially because I don't have the money to travel like I want to anyway.  I feel that it will happen naturally, with time.  And I don't want to rush into anything because I'm tired of wasting my time.

I do feel like I'm getting old though.  Which is not only ridiculous, it's completely untrue.  I mean, yeah, I'm 25.  But my great grandma is going to be 97 in three months and my great, great aunt is 98.  I can only hope I do not live that long.  Which sounds asshole-y, but we all know that elders are treated shitty.  Therefore, I would rather be dead.  But looking at it that way, I'm slightly over a quarter of my lifespan.

With that being said, guys are also fucking crazy assholes, and (in my mind) the older they get, the more crazy they are and more likely they are alone for a reason.  Maybe I am just being the asshole, which is possible, and completely rude and judgemental of me.  I should release that assumption.

Now that I have said all this...I don't feel any better about it :-)  Oh well.

Meh

I am really horrible at titling these things.  And also writing in general, which is sad.  I'm usually a pretty good writer, but this is more spewing and less planning.  Usually I just start writing because I have nothing better to do.

Anyway.  I guess I'm going to visit Little Rock soon.  Mary wants me to.  And I might go during the work week, which means I wouldn't have to use any PTO days.  I suppose I'll stay with Courtney.  She said she wants me to go soon...but when?  I'm thinking beginning of June. 

I can tell that Mary either just really wants me to get the position or she knows I'm going to.  If I accept...if they can offer me enough.  And I really badly want to leave.  But what if I hate it there?  I mean, it's freaking Little Rock.  It's fine that I know no one there, besides Courtney.  But I'll only have one other person in the office with me, and she's 50ish.  What is there to even DO in Little Rock? 

These unanswerable questions bother me, but in all reality, if I can afford it, I know I'm going to go.  Because why not? 

I really wish I could convince someone to move with me.  I don't care if I hate them, companionship is huge to me.  I can learn to like them.  And I mean, I talk to myself in the car, so what in the hell am I going to do by myself on a daily basis?

I am literally driving myself crazy with this, I need to change topics.

Soooo I ordered 7 books yesterday.  I don't know what in the hell is wrong with me.  I haven't even finished the last 5 I ordered.  Oh no, wait, I did finish one.  I mean, I'll read them all.  I guess if I move to Little Rock, I'll have shitloads of time to read, eh?  Canada?...Right now I busy myself with...shit idk what I even do to be honest.  What do I do with my free time?  I should think about that an reevaluate my life; make better use of my free time.  I have been watching a lot of TV since we got Uverse.
        
OBEYYYY,
right?! 

I need to stop that.  It's lowering my vibrational frequency, I can tell.

Back to the books though, Errity got me really obsessed with Deepak Chopra.  Of the 7 books I ordered, 6 are by him.  Balls to the wall, right?  I don't fuck around.  The 7th book I ordered is Full Dark, No Stars.  It's a collection of four novellas by Stephen King.  I LOVE Stephen King's novellas.  And haven't read one of his books for awhile.  I am really excited.  Three of Deepak's books have already shipped.  I love getting shit in the mail.

I am SO tired today.  Maybe if I wasn't up until 3am, I wouldn't have this problem.  But whatever, could be worse.  I mean, I'm not hungover, so that's a plus.  My stomach was kind of pissed this morning, but it has since moved on and got the fuck over it.

This is really weird, and random, and just popped in my head.  So I have been working on trying to control my temper, being nicer, less angry, etc.  It has been going pretty well.  In the spiritual teachings I read, they all talk about how people are inherently good, nice and caring.  I think that this is true.  Speaking personally, I am very caring and I try to be good.  I also try harder than ever to be nice.  But I have the deep need...or want...orrr maybe it's just an impluse, to be an asshole sometimes.  Like, I just want to lash out.  Considering who I used to be and what I used to do, I have imporoved ten-fold.  But I would really like to know the source of this rage.

My dad says it's the Indian (feather, not dot lololllz) in me.  He is full of shit and just likes to make any excuse to remind me of my heritage, you know, in case I forgot about my relatives or something.  The book Shaila's mom gave me is written by a Native American (...Indian) elder.  He says that native people are not naturally violent and were forced into violence through the American conquest.  The book is kind of slow, and really, really poorly edited, but I like it a lot.  It's insightful. 

But my point is that my dad is often full of shit and that doesn't help me to understand why I am so angry.  And somewhat into violence.

I'm going to end this here so I don't babble on all day.  Not that it matters....
But I would like to get into the Indian Removal Act at some point.  That might turn into a novel though, so not right now.

contributions

Today I had someone reach out to me about my opinion on a sexist topic.  From there it launched into a spiritual conversation :-)

Let me just say, I LOVE WHEN PEOPLE VALUE MY OPINION. Or ask for my advice.  Nothing makes me happier, literally nothing.  A close second is giving away my time and/or money. 

With those things being said, I realize that I am not such an asshole.  I mean sure, they are both forms of self validation.  But other than being self-validated, I feel a deep seeded satisfaction when I help others.  It aides in filling the void I have felt for what seems like forever.  But I used to be really happy kid.

Going through the spiritual process that I am going through, I feel more connected to my child-self.  Not in an immature way.  In a pure love, oneness way.  I was quite the little hippie child (totally unsure how or why since my parents are products of the 80s and also slightly moronic when they had me), always meditating, picking up trash, freaking out about recycling/littering. 

The older I got, the more angry and disconnected I became with myself, my true nature, and my connection to nature/oneness.  Over the past year or so, I have been making strides to understanding life's purpose and my inner self.

I often put up this horrible front, that I took a long time to create.

Difficult for me to say, but I was putting up walls and putting out negativity to block myself from potential pain.  Growing up, I was hurt by several things that I have never spoken about, or came to terms with until recently.  I'm still working on understanding and sorting through the emotions. 

So when I talk to other people and offer my advice to them, it helps me realize things about myself.  Because we are all one, right?  It is also funny to me how several people I have never met or that live really far away are some of the people that I feel more close and open with.  More so than anyone, actually. 

Why is this?  It's troubling to me.  As much as I talk (and am open), I think I have a problem.  Not with forming close relationships with people, but more...close relationships with those in a close vicinity of me?  Does that make any sense at all?

I'm not sure.

I also seem to have this pattern of dating people that don't seem to be very motivated in life.  Which is really judgemental of me, because we all have different motivations and definitions of success, right?

I don't necessarily CARE what the motivations and definition of success are.  I guess I just want someone to have goals.  I have lots of goals.  Why would someone not want to have goals?

Speaking of goals, I should write about that soon.  I think I need to define mine.

Everybody get down on Friday!

Today is exponentially better than yesterday. 

The terribleness of yesterday can only be chalked up to one thing: my shitty attitude.  I know, I know.  I suck at life. But it was just one of those days that I was feeling bad and nothing was going to make me feel better.  I am having fewer and fewer of those, though.

To counter yesterday, today I got to work early, had free lunch, vegan cookies, I get to leave work at 3 and I had sex with Matt at like 1am.  That's always a good start to a new 24 hours. 

I hope no one ever really reads this blog because it's quite candid of me and I'm not sure if I'm comfortable with that.

Either way, I'm going to keep yapping because it's what I like to do.

So get this right...a few weeks after I started seeing Matt, I went to Kansas City for a wedding with Ashley's (the BFF) cousin.  I told him I was going andddd I told him that I would pretty much for 100% sure be having sex with Ash's cousin.  I get home, and he asks if I did, and I say yeah andddd he flips shit. 

Whatever, I mean he's clearly over it now and I told him I wouldn't do that, and I haven't.  But...BUTTTTT the kicker is, he said that he would have rather I lied to him.

WHAT?!  WHY?!  That is fucked up!

Fast forward to this past week mmmk? So Ashley's cousin has been talking to me, and I've been responding.  I mean, I don't dislike him...I just don't...idk.  I really have no idea.  I guess I'm hung up on Matt. 

Anyway, he was texting me last night and then I got drunk and had sex with Matt..blah blah...I was preoccupied.  So when I told Lance (Ash's cousin) that I was drinking last night, he was like, "Wow, no drunk texts to anyone"?  And I responded with noooo because I was preoccupied. 

I thought that wouldn't solicit questions, but apparently it did because he "didn't get it". So I told him I was having sex with Matt.  And he was like, "I don't want to know".  Ok, whatever.  Then don't ask questions!  And I responded with, "Just being honest". TOOOO which he responded, "Just lie".

WHAT THE FUCKKK is wrong with guys?!

Like seriously.  Never in my life have I requested that someone lie to me.  I HATE being lied to.  In fact, if I even suspect someone is lying, I will immediately start trying to dig up the truth.  And then, if I find out it's a lie, I will throw a big, baby fit.  DO NOT LIE TO ME.

Because of this, I do not lie to other people.  Apparently, many people want to be lied to. 

I have come to the conclusion that lies are what is wrong with the world.  Just look at our government, it's based on lies.  All of you fucking weirdos are perpetuating this. 

If you would rather hear a lie than the truth, ask yourself why.  The answer is because the truth hurts.  And if the truth hurts you, change it.  I was honest with Matt, he was pissed and didn't want to talk to me.  So I begged for his forgiveness.  Forgive and forget.

Be open and honest.  Expect the same from others.   Forgive and forget.  These are the keys to happiness in life.   Those things, and of course love :-)

This is scary

Today could literally make or break me.  It seems that all of my life developments happen at the same time.  This is not only nerve wrecking for me, it also puts an intense strain on my sanity and has an adverse affect on the personal progress I've made.

I am trying to take deep breaths to calm myself; it is not working. 

My in-office boss, Mary, talks today with Chris, my regional boss, about the Little Rock position today.  This afternoon to be precise. You know...because the universe loves to make me wait.  What a huge life-determiner.

Along with that, I am tired of fucking around with Matt, and I asked him what he wants from me.  Which is equally, if not more, nerve wrecking. 

I suddenly feel as if I might have a panic attack.  Or throw up.  Or maybe both.  Either way, I am not feeling well. 

I am always supposed to ask myself, "What would someone who loves themselves do"?  My answer to this question currently would be the obvious, don't freak out.

How does one simply go about "not freaking out".  It's just my mind/body's natural reaction.  If I could so easily do that, I wouldn't have had this problem my entire life.  Not only that, but I have no idea how to fix it.  Other than Xanax, which I hate taking.  Or crying...which I'm at work.

Sometimes, I do not function well in life.

How do you just stop thinking about something?  I try to meditate, I have never been successful in completely freeing my mind of thought. And honestly, while I can shove these things out of my mind temporarily, they always seem to come back.

If I make it through today without a complete mental breakdown, I will be highly impressed.

Here's something

So I've talked about this before.  And it's irritating to me.  Maybe if I rant about it, I'll feel better.

If you tried so fucking hard to talk to me, which I know you did, and you still like me now...why stop with cutesy shit?  I mean, I call it cutesy shit, but I like it!  And the persistence.  I mean, persistent while not being up my ass.  It was perfect. 

And now I'm irritated.  And tired of trying.  It's exhausting to me.  And can't be healthy.  What is the point?  What are you intentions?!  What do you expect from me??

I need answers to these questions.  I need to know whether I should reserve my emotions or just go with them.  Because I am really starting to care.  A lot.  And I don't know if I've ever felt a connection like I do now.

I mean, a person has an infinite amount of love, and therefore can potentially love anyone.  But there is a lot to be said about an automatic connection, especially one that I initially fought against.  With a vengeance. 

I am over thinking this...which I always do.  Another test! 

I'm tired of being tested.  I would just like answers :-) This patience thing is not going well for me.  Or is it?

Stream of consciousness

Being a former English major (and lit nerd), we would occasionally talk about "stream of consciousness" writing.  Though this writing makes little sense to the reader, since it's a type of interior monologue and follows the writers thoughts, I have always really liked it.  Mainly because so many English professors think they're so smart and know exactly what the writer was talking about, when in reality, they are full of shit.  That always annoyed me.  With stream of consciousness writing, you write with your emotions. 

I was always horrible at this kind of writing, and I would imagine that I still am.  I am not very comfortable with my emotions, controlling them, hiding them, or really understanding them.  So in order for me to write them, and let other's read it, it's quite the stretch for me.  I should work on that.

Changing topics, I still haven't heard anything about Little Rock.  This is driving me absolutely crazy.  I like to plan shit out and know what's going on.  This has to be another test for me.  Who would be ok with this situation though, really? 

Between that and Matt, I think I'm losing my mind.

Actually, you know what, I'm not really.  I mean, yeah, it's bugging me and is definitely a stressor.  But I think I'm handling it pretty well.  Go with the flow, right?

That's not to say it's not bugging the FUCK out of me. Because it is. 

WHAT DO YOU PEOPLE WANT FROM ME?!?!?!!!

Monday, Monday

I'm a big fan of font.  There are not many font options on here. This is quite disappointing to me. 

With that being said, today is Monday.  There is some, sick, sadistic person in my office who writes chirpy little "Happy Monday (or Tues, etc)" quotes on our chalkboard by the coffee pot.  It annoys me to no end.  I would like to find out who this person is, but I really like everyone I work with and would like to keep it that way.

That kind of makes me sound like I hate my job, but that's completely untrue.  I love my job.  But that doesn't mean I love it more than a nice, long weekend. 

Moving on...
Since Chris and I broke up, I've been on a personal mission of self-discovery.  It occurred to me that I had been living my life with Chris in mind with every decision I made.  I'm not saying it's necessarily bad, I am a very companion-oriented person, but it was becoming burdensome in my life.  To the extent of: I'm making all my decisions with you in mind, while you are making no life decisions what-so-ever.  I'm not into one-sidedness.  I give, you give. Anyway, I'm done with this topic b/c I could literally write a novel on it, and prefer not to.  Maybe some other time when I'm less emotionally charged by it.

Onward with my self-discovery speech.  I have done really well over the past several months.  I have discovered that I have a problem with self-love.  Which is really common and almost the norm. But my problem is more like...some days I think I'm amazing and some days the self-hate is debilitating.  While this can be the normal ebb and flow of human emotion, mine ups and downs were very extreme.  To the point where it was having a profound effect on my life.  So I am working on that, and I am starting to feel a lot better, actually.

Don't get me wrong, it is a daily struggle.  Especially when my anxiety gets the best of me.  I am also working on controlling that, without the aid of prescription medication.  It is going decently well.

I read an article...ok no a blog I guess, today.  I'll post it in here.  But, it's really funny, you know.  Getting into all this new age spiritualism (which sounds so insanely lame and douchey to me, it's astounding), it has really opened my eyes, heart and mind to what I was shutting out.  Which was nearly everything.  I have done more in the past two months of my life than I have in probably my whole life.  Good or bad, it's an experience, right?

Both the article that I read, and a status from Spirit Science really resonated with me today.  It made one more impact on me about the importance of vibrational frequencies, and how we attract to us the vibrations in which we put out.  Even the thoughts we put out (because thoughts are energy), we attract that sort of vibration to come back to us.  It really makes you want to change the way you think into positive energy.

Here is the blog/article:  http://www.planetofsuccess.com/blog/2011/listen-to-your-heart/

My best, out-of-state friend, Errity, posted it in our weird, little Facebook group :-)
I only personally know about 5 people in the group.  Eritty and I, by far, post the most in the group.  A few comment.  Of the few that comment (besides Errity) I don't personally know any of them.  But I love the shit out of them, and would do more for them than I would many people that I do personally know.

So that's my thoughts on today :-)

I'm still confused

I think I may be dumb, but this site is really confusing to me.


Regardless, I have some life developments that I need to talk to myself about :-)
That's what really matters.
Also, I think I should upload a pic b/c I don't have one and it's bugging me.  Whatever.


Anyway, so I came into work Wednesday (duh, I work every day) and my boss was actually here.  She's been out of town a lot for work lately. It's been really boring...moving on.  I heard her talking on the phone since her office butts up to mine and I swear if you fart we could hear it.  I wasn't eavesdropping, I just have ears.  But I heard her say something like, "I'm sorry you have to leave, but I understand and wish you the best of luck" or something along those lines.  I was interested, but not enough to ask.  Then she came into my office and told me that the manager in Little Rock resigned.  That was really shocking to me, but people leave here all the time, even in the three, short months I've been here several people have left.


This got the wheels turning in my head because, let's be real, my position is boring and I'm overqualified for it anyway.  So I mulled it over for a bit, and emailed several of my mentors to see what they thought, anddd asked Katie who works in the office with me.  They were all in agreeance so I called my boss and told her I was interested in the position.  She sounded shocked but happy.  Probably because it's less work on her, if I were to get it.


So this was Wednesday, right?  It's Friday now.  When I got into my office yesterday Mary (boss) called almost as soon as I sat down.  She told me to email her the job description for the position and that she hadn't talked to Chris, our regional boss, yet.


A few hours later, Courtney, who is the one resigning, called me.  She gave me the rundown on what's going on in Little Rock, what I would need to work on, said I could come stay with her and check the area out, etc etc.


So here's my question: What does it all MEAN?! I know Chris and Mary have to have a conversation about the situation, still.  And Chris probably also has to have a conversation with our CEO.  But how long will this take?  In the mean time, I am going absolutely crazy. 


I mean, let's be real.  This is a huge jump for me.  And I'm scared to death.  That's the fun of life, BUT I don't like waiting.  Apparently life is testing me like I've never been tested before.  I think I'm handling it quite well, to be completely honest.  I've changed a lot, for the better (my humble opinion), over the past several years.  Clearly not enough to gain patience, though.  I guess I'll be unwillingly working on that.


Aside from this work shit, other things are clearly going on.  That have to do with patience.  Or something.  I'm not sure what is really has to deal with or really how I feel about it.  So let's candidly lay this out.  It's going to be awkward, so prepare for that.


I've been seeing this guy I graduated with.  Fucking weird right?  That was like, my #1 goal in life; never date anyone from high school.  I could have turned into a drug riddled prostitute and that may have been better, I don't know.  Yet, here I am.  Figures.


He had been trying to hang out with me for awhile.  I put it off for a long time, for several reasons.  Reason #1 is clearly stated above.  Reason #2, to be utterly and completely honest, is because I thought he was a giant douchebag in high school (I am such a bitch, but not alone in this thought, to be defensive).  Reason #3 is because I cannot take him seriously.  Those are all pretty valid reasons, right?  I feel they are.


With those things being said, I clearly gave in and went out with him anyway.  Needless to say, this was a huge personal tank on my part, and not only that but I had sex with him too.  Double whammy; I suck at life. 


So now I've been seeing him for like...idk several weeks.  I'm unsure how I feel about the entire situation.  As far as he goes, I actually really like him.  He's funny and we have fun and I like having sex with him.  I think that these feelings my be superficial though, and I say this only because the more we hang out, the more I realize I don't really know anything about him b/c he's always joking around and not serious.  And I'm a pretty open person, and he's not really.  He hides this with his constant casual & non serious tone.  Occasionally he'll be serious and tell me he really likes me or something, and that's nice, but it tricks me.  Because can you really like someone you know nothing about?  But he undoubtedly knows a million times more about me than I know about him.


And I want to ask him more.  But I feel like it will make him pull away.  Which annoys me, but do I really care?  I'm not sure.  It would definitely bother me, but for how long?  Also, if I end up moving, does it really matter?  The thing is, I feel this strong pull to him.  It really angers to me to admit that.  So what's that about?  Both the feeling and the anger?  And this is weird too:  Even if he decided he didn't want to date me anymore, my feelings would be hurt, but I would like to be friends with him.  What does it all mean?  Why doesn't someone give you all the answers in life?


I think I'm done talking.  This is literally the longest blog about nothing, ever.

Blog Beginnings

I decided that today is the day to start blogging.  I've thought about it before, but never went through with it because I figured I wouldn't keep up. So we'll see how that goes. I also decided to blog because I talk a lot and rarely listen.  I figured that if I did more talking to myself (or an unknown audience) that maybe, in real life I could start to listen more and talk less. With that being said, I have no idea what direction this blog with go. So let's not have high, if any, expectations.


I always have a lot on my mind and never seem to be able to quiet my thoughts down.  I'm working on this.  It's quite the struggle. 


I guess today I'll start with what is plaguing my thoughts at this day and time...
I can't even think of a good place to start.  Shit.