Friday, May 25, 2012

Ohhhh man

Once again, it's Friday.  I have a four day weekend and I'm going to the ozarks.  I hope that I will be able to enjoy it, because once again my psychotic, big mouth got the best of me.  I really need to stop letting my emotions (crazyyyy, inane emotions) rule my mouth.  It has accomplished nothing in my life.

I don't know what's been wrong with me lately.  For the past few Thursdays, I have been losing my mind.  I feel like shit all day, I'm super emotional and I've been lashing out for no reason.  And crying a lot.  Only on Thursdays though.  It's really strange and unsettling for me.

Also, I think I have completely pushed Matt away.  I flipped shit on him last night, for noooo reason at all.  Told him to fuck off and that he was selfish and other crazy shit.  What is wrong with me?!  I was saying how I give a lot of myself to him, but get nothing back.  And that's not even necessarily true!  I don't give THAT much, I am pretty reserved with him, actually.  So idk what I was even talking about.  I just had a bad day and wanted to see him but didn't want to go drinking.  I was the one being selfish!

Then, directly after I said it, I was reading my book (the one Shay's mom gave me) and it talked about giving yourself to others and how you should expect nothing back.  And then it talked about selfishness andddd then I burst into tears.  Naturally, right?  Way to be a dumb girl, Brittni.  But isn't that strange how that worked out? 

I text him at like 1am last night because I couldn't sleep because I was distraught and told him I was sorry and that I hope he doesn't hate me.  Then I text him this morning and said something like, I guess you do?  He hasn't responded :-( It's kind of killing me.  And makes me want to cry, again.  I think I like him more than I thought I did.  Personal fail.

I know I can move on, but I really like being around him.  I really hope he doesn't hate me orrr think I'm crazy. 

Man, this sucks.

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