Family dynamics

I just went downstairs to grab my computer, since, you know, it's not really mine...
Anyway, my mom asked what books I ordered and I said, "Ohhh, you know, a bunch by Deepak Chopra and one by Stephen King".  And she responded with, "Oh good, Deepak Chopra".  Sounds nice, but she was being sarcastic.  Funny to me both that she even knows who he is, and if she does, why she is sarcastic about it.


This made me start thinking about the dynamics of a family and how they affect a person's development.  More importantly, how one identifies with "one's self", ie- the ego.  Our human experience is deeply based on the environment we grow up in, as well as biological & psychological factors.


All of that being said, I would like to discuss my family dynamics. 


I have always been deeply misunderstood in my family.  I don't say this (anymore) with anger or resentment.  My parents have heavily relied on me, not as a child, but almost as an equal.  


Since the time my brother was born, I made the decision to be independent and do things for myself.  Yes, I still live at home.  That is my own decision, and also a wholeeee different story.  But since he was born (I was 6) I have made my own lunches, gotten myself up in the morning, picked out my own clothes, and completed weekly chores.  No one ever told me to do this, I just wanted to help my mom out.


Had I never made the decision to do these things myself, my mom would have done them for me...maybe for ever.  She still is with my brother, who is now 19.  


Ever since I decided to do things on my own, my opinion on things has been heavily regarded by my parents.  Besides when my dad was being crazy...which is also a whole different story.  But they have asked for assistance in raising my brother, (he used to call me Momma Brit) which is a big part in why I may never have children.  They've asked me about house-purchasing decisions, let me know about their financial situation, and also allowed me to work through their marital problems with them.


I will never, ever know why they made these decisions.  I do not understand it, and I probably never will.  They were so incredibly young and naive when they had me, I almost think that they view me as a peer and not a child.  Not that I am a child, but clearly I am their child.


Not only do they treat me very, very differently than my brother, but my extended family (namely my mom's side) treat me very different as well.  I assume that this is because my grandma was heavily involved in my upbringing, and because of that, my uncle and I are very close.  We are only 8 years apart in age.  He was obviously around a lot, and I spent the majority of my time at my grandma's house while my parents were at work.


I definitely identify more with my grandma and uncle than I do the rest of the family.  I have a lot of my dad's personality traits, but my uncle and I are so similar, it's kind of strange.  Even though I am more like them, I am still very separate and different.  My family is often somewhat judgmental, and this makes me feel very different from them.


Everyone can be judgmental.  I cannot say that I am free of judgment. I try very hard to distance myself from it, especially if the judged person's decision makes them clearly happy.  And also, who really gives a fuck what someone else is doing?  If it were up to me, we would all be hugging, love, meditating and raising our vibrations.


With that being said, I don't like to be touched.  Which is really strange, for several reasons.  For one, I am all about love.  Everyone should love everyone.  For another, my parents always hugged me, as well as the rest of my family hugged a lot.  The main reason it's strange to me is because the only people I am ever affectionate toward is whoever I am romantically involved with.  I wonder if I am smothering to them or if they still consider me distant?  This is something I am just now realizing, so I'm going to pay more attention.  It probably doesn't matter either way, in the way of oneness, right?  I know.


I could go a lot more into my family and my upbringing.  But really, it gives me a headache.  I love them, I really do.  But their insensitivities (and sadly stupidity) really kill me sometimes.