Meh

I am really horrible at titling these things.  And also writing in general, which is sad.  I'm usually a pretty good writer, but this is more spewing and less planning.  Usually I just start writing because I have nothing better to do.

Anyway.  I guess I'm going to visit Little Rock soon.  Mary wants me to.  And I might go during the work week, which means I wouldn't have to use any PTO days.  I suppose I'll stay with Courtney.  She said she wants me to go soon...but when?  I'm thinking beginning of June. 

I can tell that Mary either just really wants me to get the position or she knows I'm going to.  If I accept...if they can offer me enough.  And I really badly want to leave.  But what if I hate it there?  I mean, it's freaking Little Rock.  It's fine that I know no one there, besides Courtney.  But I'll only have one other person in the office with me, and she's 50ish.  What is there to even DO in Little Rock? 

These unanswerable questions bother me, but in all reality, if I can afford it, I know I'm going to go.  Because why not? 

I really wish I could convince someone to move with me.  I don't care if I hate them, companionship is huge to me.  I can learn to like them.  And I mean, I talk to myself in the car, so what in the hell am I going to do by myself on a daily basis?

I am literally driving myself crazy with this, I need to change topics.

Soooo I ordered 7 books yesterday.  I don't know what in the hell is wrong with me.  I haven't even finished the last 5 I ordered.  Oh no, wait, I did finish one.  I mean, I'll read them all.  I guess if I move to Little Rock, I'll have shitloads of time to read, eh?  Canada?...Right now I busy myself with...shit idk what I even do to be honest.  What do I do with my free time?  I should think about that an reevaluate my life; make better use of my free time.  I have been watching a lot of TV since we got Uverse.
        
OBEYYYY,
right?! 

I need to stop that.  It's lowering my vibrational frequency, I can tell.

Back to the books though, Errity got me really obsessed with Deepak Chopra.  Of the 7 books I ordered, 6 are by him.  Balls to the wall, right?  I don't fuck around.  The 7th book I ordered is Full Dark, No Stars.  It's a collection of four novellas by Stephen King.  I LOVE Stephen King's novellas.  And haven't read one of his books for awhile.  I am really excited.  Three of Deepak's books have already shipped.  I love getting shit in the mail.

I am SO tired today.  Maybe if I wasn't up until 3am, I wouldn't have this problem.  But whatever, could be worse.  I mean, I'm not hungover, so that's a plus.  My stomach was kind of pissed this morning, but it has since moved on and got the fuck over it.

This is really weird, and random, and just popped in my head.  So I have been working on trying to control my temper, being nicer, less angry, etc.  It has been going pretty well.  In the spiritual teachings I read, they all talk about how people are inherently good, nice and caring.  I think that this is true.  Speaking personally, I am very caring and I try to be good.  I also try harder than ever to be nice.  But I have the deep need...or want...orrr maybe it's just an impluse, to be an asshole sometimes.  Like, I just want to lash out.  Considering who I used to be and what I used to do, I have imporoved ten-fold.  But I would really like to know the source of this rage.

My dad says it's the Indian (feather, not dot lololllz) in me.  He is full of shit and just likes to make any excuse to remind me of my heritage, you know, in case I forgot about my relatives or something.  The book Shaila's mom gave me is written by a Native American (...Indian) elder.  He says that native people are not naturally violent and were forced into violence through the American conquest.  The book is kind of slow, and really, really poorly edited, but I like it a lot.  It's insightful. 

But my point is that my dad is often full of shit and that doesn't help me to understand why I am so angry.  And somewhat into violence.

I'm going to end this here so I don't babble on all day.  Not that it matters....
But I would like to get into the Indian Removal Act at some point.  That might turn into a novel though, so not right now.