contributions

Today I had someone reach out to me about my opinion on a sexist topic.  From there it launched into a spiritual conversation :-)

Let me just say, I LOVE WHEN PEOPLE VALUE MY OPINION. Or ask for my advice.  Nothing makes me happier, literally nothing.  A close second is giving away my time and/or money. 

With those things being said, I realize that I am not such an asshole.  I mean sure, they are both forms of self validation.  But other than being self-validated, I feel a deep seeded satisfaction when I help others.  It aides in filling the void I have felt for what seems like forever.  But I used to be really happy kid.

Going through the spiritual process that I am going through, I feel more connected to my child-self.  Not in an immature way.  In a pure love, oneness way.  I was quite the little hippie child (totally unsure how or why since my parents are products of the 80s and also slightly moronic when they had me), always meditating, picking up trash, freaking out about recycling/littering. 

The older I got, the more angry and disconnected I became with myself, my true nature, and my connection to nature/oneness.  Over the past year or so, I have been making strides to understanding life's purpose and my inner self.

I often put up this horrible front, that I took a long time to create.

Difficult for me to say, but I was putting up walls and putting out negativity to block myself from potential pain.  Growing up, I was hurt by several things that I have never spoken about, or came to terms with until recently.  I'm still working on understanding and sorting through the emotions. 

So when I talk to other people and offer my advice to them, it helps me realize things about myself.  Because we are all one, right?  It is also funny to me how several people I have never met or that live really far away are some of the people that I feel more close and open with.  More so than anyone, actually. 

Why is this?  It's troubling to me.  As much as I talk (and am open), I think I have a problem.  Not with forming close relationships with people, but more...close relationships with those in a close vicinity of me?  Does that make any sense at all?

I'm not sure.

I also seem to have this pattern of dating people that don't seem to be very motivated in life.  Which is really judgemental of me, because we all have different motivations and definitions of success, right?

I don't necessarily CARE what the motivations and definition of success are.  I guess I just want someone to have goals.  I have lots of goals.  Why would someone not want to have goals?

Speaking of goals, I should write about that soon.  I think I need to define mine.