Spirit Animal

Quickly b/c it's late as hell, as usual.

Today has been fucking awful, but about that later.  Lately...well over the past few months tigers have been coming into my life.  

First, the lesson "tigers above, tigers below", which will be my next tattoo.  Lately the tiger has been more prominent in my life.  In dreams, in awake, paintings, pictures, and today, in my text autocorrect, oddly enough.

So I googled.  I would say the description is pretty spot on, but does not necessarily give me much comfort.  I will work with this.  

Here is the link: http://www.spiritanimal.info/spirit-animals/tiger-spirit-animal/

Added quick note on today:  Breathe and realize that this experience is the exact experience I should be having. Remember to learn from it and grow from it.  Realize the emotions, feel them and release them.

Repressed memory realization

Meditation:

I told Shaila earlier that I had never been broken up with. I realized later that wasn't true. 

Following dinner I read an article, that I emailed to her. It said our emotions can live in a child like state until we recognize them. It's why people who were abandoned have abandonment issues and victims of molestation have negative feelings towards sex. This article impacted me but I was unsure why or how. 

During meditation I had a profound memory. When Scott, who I lost my virginity to at 13, broke up with me, he came over to retrieve his wallet. We made out and I held on hope that he wouldn't really break up with me. He did. I was devastated. Thirteen is entirely way too young to be having sex. I thought I "loved" him. 

In this train of thought, the thought I was having that triggered it was thinking about Matt. He asked for his hat and gloves yesterday and I know he'll ask again. I was imagining me giving them to him and him trying to convince me to have sex with him. I guess I felt that same feeling I felt when I was a kid. 

Anyway, Scott tried to get back with me after about a year and I said no. He was still with the girl he broke up with me for. I wasn't putting myself back in that situation. Looking back, that was actually smart of me. Maybe I should take a cue from my childhood self. 

After that I started sleeping around a lot. Actually, I took pride in taking someone's virginity. I guess because that is how I hurt. I wanted others to hurt? I'm not sure really. 

I saw Scott when I was 19. He stayed with that girl until a few months before he saw me, at 19. He apologized to me and said we should be friends. Again, I said no. He had a profound impact on my life and even though I did and do appreciate his apology, I wouldn't be comfortable with that. Also he hugged me and it made me want to puke. 

So. That's kind of that situation. Other than that, I've never been broke up with. I always break up with people because I am not happy. I've come to learn it's because I'm not happy with myself. But I am working on it. 

Strange how I shoved that memory down so hard, I completely forgot it. Even more strange how the series of events brought it bubbling over. 

Naturally, the memory made me cry. Not in a real hurt way. More of an awakening way. It does hurt though, don't get me wrong. 

I hope that because I have recognized this feeling and memory that I can move forward. I feel that it was quite the breakthrough. 

internal thoughts

Reminder to self: Am drunk

Man.  What am I really thinking? 

At this point, I kind of feel like I'm going about things somewhat backward.  I had so many conditions and high expectations and I feel like I'm abandoning them so I'm not alone.  Again.

..........

Is this my lesson?  

It is.

Shit shit shit.  

I cannot fail again.

I thought it, Annie said it, Jake said it.  I said it, more than once, actually.

I have to learn the lesson, I can't take repeating it again.

I wrote this from my phone, I felt it was important

I think I just learned a spiritual lesson. 

The quote, "People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime" popped into my head. I've had somewhat obsessive thoughts about Korey for some reason lately. Well, I mean, we just stopped talking and naturally I saw him at Red Bar last night while I was with Matt. I felt really negatively toward him, even though Shaila said she felt he was empty (and I kind of sensed that too. Empty or shut out) and pointed out that I clearly care for Matt very much, I still felt fooled and hurt. 

Upon reading the quote, and a short story (which I'll post quickly): 

People come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. When you figure out which one it is, you will know what to do for each person.

When someone is in your life for a REASON . . . It is usually to meet a need you have expressed. They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally, or spiritually. They may seem like a

godsend, and they are! They are there for the reason you need them to be.

Then, without any wrong doing on your part, or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end.

Sometimes they die.

Sometimes they walk away.

Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand.

What we must realise is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled, their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered. And now it is time to move on.

When people come into your life for a SEASON . . .

Because your turn has come to share, grow, or learn. They bring you an experience of peace, or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it! It is real! But, only for a season.

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons; things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the

person, and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life. It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.

1999-2011 Yuni Words of Wisdom 

http://www.yuni.com/library/docs/631.html

After reading that, all I could think was that Korey came into my life when Matt wasn't talking to me. I cared about Matt way more than I thought and was more hurt than I thought. Korey was there to occupy my time/thoughts, even though Matt still invaded my brain. Matt started talking to me again and I kept putting him off bc of what he put me through. But again, just like in the beginning, his persistence got to me. I was still talking to Korey until about a week ago. And I did like him and care about him. I just don't have the same feelings for him that I do for Matt. I have feelings for Matt that I (for once in my life) have no words for and cannot explain. 

Matt may also be for a reason, but I have yet to figure that out.  I hate to be a stupid girl and say I hop it's not just for a reason, because I don't really want to him to leave my life, even when he actually moves.  But I guess I'll have to see.

I'm not sure what else to say because I'm still trying to figure it out. I probably never will though. And I'm ok w that. 

I will say Matt and I don't communicate verbally very much. I honestly feel like we don't have to and can express how we feel through our actions to each other. It is so bizarre to me. 

And now that I feel like a dumb twat, that is all.

Things about my life

I am hoping that since I changed my name, I am unidentifiable on here. Because I think a lot of things I say would piss people off.  

Whatever.

Anyway, I got a job.  Actually I got it like, two weeks ago.  I've just been tired and busy and lazy.  Ok, I kind of take lazy back.  Obviously I work normal mon-fri hours, still at the Dazz a few days and I run.  So it's hard to find time to do other things.  Also, I record about 5 shows that I obsessively watch, which makes even less time.

Blah.  Literally, blah.

I guess I wanted to say I got a job.  Oh it's at a distribution company.  I'm the "receptionist".  I make more money than my old job.  Figures.  It's a great company and I want to get into sales there.  Also, beer.

I'm so tired.  I can't sleep at night.  I am not a 630am waker.  I'm not sure I ever will be.

I am still talking to (having sex with?) Matt.  Korey, not so much.  What is wrong with me?  Not my choice really.  I would rather be talking to Korey.  I saw him for a bit on Saturday.  I called him after and we talked on the phone for like, an hour.  I kind of explained some things such as, my inability to trust people, my reservations in getting serious, I explained that I wasn't comparing him to Matt or asking Toon who I should really choose, but verifying to Jordan that Korey is way better than Matt.  I don't think he believed me.  

I've asked him to hang out since then, but he's been pretty unresponsive.  Meh.  Guess I fucked that up.  Makes no sense to me because he talked to me this weekend both days and said we should meet up Saturday.  I know he's been having to get up super early lately.  

I don't know.  It's exhausting trying to understand people.  And I know, I know...you can't, let it go, things will work out, etc, etc.  I know.  It's just so hard to actually do those things.  Especially when I want to psychoanalyze everything.

I'm not depressed right now, which is good.  But I do feel stuck in a rut.   I feel like (...ok let's be real, I am) I'm doing that thing where I need to be talking to/seeing someone to be happy with/verify myself.  That's a lot of //// and not nearly enough self love.  Damnit.  Self love is so hard!!!!!  

Also, if I don't move out soon...idk what.  I would say I'm going to go crazy, but I won't and I would say I might kill everyone, but I won't.  So I'll just be super bitter and pissed off basically.  

I suppose I don't have anything else to say.  I'm tired.  Probably won't sleep until 1 though.  Ugh.

Update

I got a jobbbb.  Yay! With a distribution company.  Ha!  Like I need that :-) I'm excited.

Got job, think I lost both Matt and Korey.  Literal: win some, lose some situation.  

I was wrong.  I don't really care about Matt.  

That's not what I mean/meant.  I do.  I do not care if he talks to me/wants to be with me/doesn't want to be with me.

I do care about Korey, andddd as usual, I fucked shit up.  

How/whyyy?  Oh, by being drunk, of fucking course.

I am going to admit something here, and here only: I think I have a drinking problem.  It's not addiction or anything like that.  It's an actual problem with drinking.  Every time I drink, I black out.  Every. Single. Time. That is not good.

So I said something to Korey.  Who knows what I said or about what, but he is unhappy with me.  I do know that I said, "Guys want to fuck me".  I am such a hoosier lush.  Who says that?  And why?  And who cares?  Of course guys wants to fuck me, I am a female.  Guys pretty much want to fuck any female.  Why would I say that?  I don't even remember saying it, he just repeated it back to me several times, and that sunk in.  

I cried myself to sleep last night.  So hard, that when I woke up, my eyes were so puffy, they had puff creases.  Then I cried when I woke up.

I know like; universe, realtionships, reflections, nonattachment, no expectations, lessons, etc.  But I am hurt.  Mostly at myself, which sounds dumb I know, "hurt at myself".  But really.  I put myself in this situation and I fucked it up and I hurt now.  

That's all I really have to say for now.

Oh Jeez

Quick life update before I start on what I really want to say:  Italian Fest was this weekend.  It went really, really well.  Tiring, as usual, but everything ran really smooth.  I still don't have a job :-/ ugh.  I feel like all I do is go on interviews and no one will fucking hired me :-( It's making me really sad.  Andddd I have chiggers all over my body, which leads me into what I'd really like to talk about...

Friday I had sex with Matt.  This has become a Friday ritual, and it's weird.  So, we had sex in his backyard, which apparently is a haven for chiggers.  I text him when I got home because I looked at my feet and they were COVERED in chigger bites.  He didn't respond until the next day and right when I went to go text him again, because I discovered they were EVERYWHERE, he text me and basically said the same thing. And I was like WTF.  They're all over my legs, my butt, my feet and even some on my arms.  Outside sex FAIL.  This whole story is actually beside my main point, which I'll get to now.

I am torn.  I really like Korey.  But I am so attached to Matt.  Shaila keeps telling me to not worry about it or rush anything, but they are unknowingly pressuring me.  Here is the basic layout of the situation, which I will try to keep in order.

So Korey and I have been talking for about a month.  Actually, no, like 6 weeks or something.  He didn't kiss me for a month.  And then a few days later we had sex.  As I said, I like him, he is nice and sane and put together and he likes me.  Honestly, I could see some kind of future with him.  I mentioned something on Twitter about me doing something shady, which I didn't (well, Matt maybe?...) and he asked what it was and if he should make other plans because he's not cool with me hooking up with...uh, anyone I guess.  And I was like, well fuck.  I didn't tell him because number one, we are not together and number two, Matt was first and we never stopped having sex, he's just a twat.  Also, how was I supposed to know his thoughts on it?  But even though I do know now, I'm not really doing anything about is, soooo....

Now, Matt.  Ugh.  Seriously, just UGH.  He didn't talk to me for a few weeks and ever since he has been again, he talks to me pretty often.  Almost daily really.  But we haven't hung out, we just have sex.  And since we started...whatever again, I keep telling him I'm not going to not talk to other people.  I guess he thought I was kidding?  I told him Friday I was talking to someone else and today (it's Sunday) he told me he's done with me.  And I was like, whatever Matt, this situation is your fault.  He knows how I feel about him and he knows I want to be with him, and he won't do it.  I asked him today if I should give up and he said, "Never give up".  Well, that's dandy, Matt.  I told him I can't wait forever and that Korey likes me.  Then he mention something about Twitter, which made me really happy because he does creep me, even though he says he doesn't.  I told him I know he cares about me and he's scared and he fucking FINALLY admitted to caring about me.  Seriously, finally.  I've been involved with him for six months and he just now admitted he cares about me. 

Now, I don't like to lie (actually I loathe it), but this situation is something I've not experienced.  He wants me to stop talking to Korey.  So I told him I would stop talking to him if he hangs out with me soon.  So we are.  I told him no sex, I can't anyway, I'll be on my period and he said "good".  I am not going to stop talking to Korey.  

SO here are my thoughts on this whole mess: Matt is a disaster, I am in love with him and attached.  Not even attached in a negative, crazy way, I just really care about him.  He is difficult, has never had a real girlfriend and would probably be an awful boyfriend.  But I love our dynamic, for some reason, (which now that I think about it, makes me insane) and I am so attracted to him.  I think he feeds my want for variety, the need to not be routine and keeps me guessing about everything, but his dedication and care for me (even though he would never say it) is very constant.  
As for Korey, I really like him, but I don't have the same deep feelings I do for Matt.  At the same time, I obviously haven't known him for long. I know he cares about me though because he listens to me.  Oh, and he met my parents last night lol.  Not like, a super official meeting, but they were at Hurricane's when we were there.  And before we left he made a point to say bye to them.  Honestly, I feel bad because I'm still sleeping with Matt and emotionally invested in Matt.  

I honestly think my real problem here is my fear to commit.  I pressure Matt to commit basically because I know he won't.  I want to be with someone (not just anyone, that's not what I'm saying) and I don't because I'm scared.  I'm scared to be with someone for four years again just to become unhappy.  Or for the relationship to become stagnant.  I'm just scared and I believe it may be a big reason why I am so drawn to Matt.  After all, people in our lives are mirrors of yourself.  Matt definitely mirrors me in that aspect. 

I don't know.  If anyone does read this and has any advice to offer, please do.  I would really appreciate it.

I'm really good at babbling

Speaking of, can I post pics on this bitch?  I have some funny pics I take of shit.  I would have to edit some, so as to not expose the douche bags.  Or just cuteness.  Depending. If I were blogging from my phone I bet I could figure it out.  My phone is my boyfriend, like whoa.

Anyway.  I don't know why I even decided to blog right now.  I feel like I have some things to say or I should update on life or something.  I guess I'll do that.

About life: I still don't have a jobbb.  I'm getting really anxious and depressed.  Today I was in an extremely foul mood.  I'm still waiting on a call back from the Apex interview I had last week.  Apparently no one has heard back yet though, which makes me feel better.  I think I said the other day that my little spiritual friend, Cody (I say little bc he's 19) told me that I'm "not looking for the right job, the right job is looking for me".  Damn, I love that kid.  And I keep trying to keep that in mind.  Because he is right.  Stressing just makes the situation worse. 

I know that it will happen.  But damn, I am not used to being so bored. I'm mean, I'm working part time at the Dazz.  But if I'm working part time, I'm also used to taking 5 classes and probably also working another job too.  JUST working part time is making me crazy.  I vary between having all this energy all of the time to wanting to sleep all day because I'm depressed.  It's fucking maddening. 

On the upside of things, Korey is like, legitimately interested in me.  And naturally, I'm being a weirdo spazz about it.  Well, kind of.  I mean, we've only hung out like, four time.  But we haven't kissed.  But he talks to me like every day.  And tonight he asked when he would get to see me again. So we're hanging out Thursday.  And maybe Saturday.

Here's what my crazy mind is thinking: What if he's a bad kisser?  Then I can't have sex with him.  And then I can't like him O__O
Or what if he's fine and then we go to have sex and he has a weird wiener?!  Or is bad?  Whyyy am I over thinking it so much?!

Probably because he's a normal, sane, stable, human being capable of taking care of himself so I feel like being a psycho and sabotaging it.  

I like how I know exactly what the dilemma is, yet I am somehow incapable (or more unwilling) to change the situation.

Like, analyze this: Why am I so hung up on Matt?  Because he's a disaster!!  Because I want to "fix" him.  Just like every other loser I've dated.  Because he goes back and forth between showering me with attention to nothing.  But mainly, the fix thing.  Something is wrong with you, I want to fix you.

Teal Scott (as well as other spiritual healers/guides) say that you cannot fix someone because that insinuates that something is wrong with them.  And in reality, nothing is "wrong" with them.  They just may be stuck in the same life lesson because they are not learning correctly from it.  And while you can aid them, if they want, ultimately it is up to them to make the change.

With this thought in my head, Chris used to always tell me he "changed for me".  This is a negative way to perceive things for a few reasons.  For one, why would you do anything for anyone other than yourself?  If you don't have children that is.  For another, he didn't really do anything.  He got a job.  Well, welcome to reality, Chris.

Moving on.  I say nothing's going on in my life, but really there's a lot going on.  It's shifting and changing and I really feel that it's for the better.  I mean, it has to be for the better, because that's how the universe works ;) So I'll just keep moving forward.

I am missing the lesson. Or something.

I say I'm missing the lesson because I keep going back to this.

So yeah, having sex with Matt. It was like, whatever. I mean, I am comfortable with him and know he's not sleeping around and I don't want to sleep around and sometimes you just have to have sex. I thought that would be the end of it.

Well on Wednesday he text me again.  Wanted me to come over, blah blah.  Then I find out he's at Adam's, and I'm like WTF NO!  Then he got mad b/c he didn't know Adam liked me and of course my big mouth told  him.  Oops. BUT I didn't go there. Or to his house when he invited me.  And then he was saying really crazy sexual things to me, which is SO unlike him.

SO Friday comes around and I creeped and knew he was going out of town this weekend so I didn't expect to hear from him.  But he did text me and wanted me to come over.  And bugged me for awhile.  I even told him I couldn't have sex because I was on my period and he said that was fine.  So I went there.

I stayed until like, 3 in the morning.  He wouldn't let me leave, he was being clingy.  It's SO WEIRD to me.  The whole situation is weird.  That's why I think I'm missing something.

And now, I'm obsessing.  AGAIN.
He was tweeting this 19 y/o girl and I text him and basically yelled at him.  I don't even know WHY.  Like, we're not together, at all!  I can't believe I did that, but I was just so pissed.  He called me and I kept ignoring it.  Then I asked him what the hell and he said "love you" and I said "Fuck yourself Matt.  You really know how you want to stay unhappy in life".  He text me this morning at 745 and said "ohhh fuck", then again at 845 and said "drugs" then AGAIN at 145 and said "and I apologize.  I slept with a dude on the couch"...

I just text him back a little bit ago and I asked what he is apologizing for and he hasn't responded.  It's just so weird.  What is he apologizing for?  If he was on drugs...idk what drugs...whatever.  I mean, he deleted ALL of his tweets from last night.

Weird he just responded and said "for being a dumb stupid idiot".  Jesus.  Idk.  I'm talking to three other guys and I'm hung up on this dumbfuck that's excuse is "drugs".  I have a headache from thinking about it.
So my whole point is, I'm missing something.  No sane, self respecting person puts themselves in this situation.  And not only am I in the situation, I seem to be firmly planted.  Any time I feel like I'm getting over him, something happens.  He talks to me, I see him somewhere, a song he sent me comes on, someone asks me about him, etc.  It's tiring.

When I was at his house the other day I told him I wasn't going to talk to him exclusively.  Then he got all pissy about Adam and made me promise I wouldn't hook up with him, and I was like, oook done because I'm not even attracted to Adam.

Talking about this is making me extremely tired.  Speaking of tired, I haven't been sleeping well at allll lately.  It's driving me nuts.

On a side note, I'm going out with Korey tonight.  But at like, 11.  When he's done with the local show shit.  Soooo maybe I can actually talk to him like a normal human being instead of blackout drunk.  We shall see.

Guess what I did?

I am such a disaster.  
So Friday Matt text me.  I ignored him for awhile.  Then text him back. THEN WENT AND HAD SEX WITH HIM.  Fail, Brittni, fail.  Thennn I whined to him about it today.  He told me to stop being such a girl.  And he's right.  What a fucker.

Aside from that, last night.  I don't know what happened last night, but something between coming home from the Loading Dock and going to Friday's...shit got crazy.  Korey...ohhh I have to talk about Korey...anyway he came up to Friday's.  There was a fight...Toon got arrested.  I blacked out hard.  I guess we left Friday's and went to Red Bar.  I don't remember.  Korey said he thought I left and Matt Dill said he thought I was in the bathroom.  They picked the lock and I was passed out and didn't even have my pants up!  WTF.

Korey tried to take me home, went to my old house lol.  I threw up about a million times, I guess.  I don't remember.  He ponyed my hair with one of those stretchy arm band things.  I woke up on his living room floor.  Right now it's almost 1am and I could easily throw up.  I have bruises EVERYWHERE.  My knees are scraped.  

I text Korey and told him I was sorry he had to babysit me.  He said it was ok because he likes me :-D lol which is ridic because...well for obvious reasons.  

So I haven't mentioned him before now and I'll tell you how that came about.  I creeped his Twitter and messaged him lol.  We met the next day, we know a lot of the same people.  I didn't talk to him for a few days and I won Sublime tickets, went to go pick up them and he was working there.  He works for the point.  It was weird and I thought, "Synchronicity! I should probably talk to him".  So I have been.  He's nice.

SO there's that, I'm a mess andddd welcome to my life.  Oh, and I have an interview tomorrow that I'm really excited about.  Yay!

Ughhh

Today is bad.  Bad, bad, bad.  Everyone, including myself, is driving me fucking crazy.  It's been two weeks since I lost my job and I feel like I'm stuck at a dead end.  This is probably all going to be one, long, insane paragraph.  Two week isn't long, I know.  But I feel like I keep looking at the same shit over and over.  Doing the same fucking thing.  All I want is a job and all I'm attracting is guys who WON'T LEAVE ME ALONE.  I go from needing attention to hating every person that is talking to me.  Chris won't leave me alone.  He keeps asking me to come over and I don't understand why.  I just had a breakdown b/c Lance (Ashley's cousin) wants me to go to the lake with him and I just don't want to.  And he's not taking no for an answer.  And I am trying my hardest to be nice and instead I just threw my phone across the room because I was about to tell him to leave me the fuck alone.  I AM TRYING TO DEAL WITH THIS MYSELF.  I don't want to leave here, I don't want you to console me, I want to be fucking left alone.  I went to Adam's last night and it was the weirdest thing ever.  First he talked about Matt a lot.  Then he kept making out with me.  Then he was telling me he was mean to me when I was with Matt because he liked me.  And idk how I feel about anything other than I feel like my sanity is slipping away.  Even though I try not to creep on Matt anymore, he's still invading my brain and I keep having dreams about him.  I know I am trying so hard to attract a job that I am deflecting jobs and apparently attracting...guys...relationships?  Insanity? I don't fucking know really.  I haven't been sleeping well.  I haven't been eating hardly anything.  I have been working out for like, two hours a day to fill my time and attempt to quiet my mind.  I have been losing weight, which is literally, the only upside to anything.  Downside is that it's not in a healthy way at all, but I can't really help it because I need to be doing something, I'm never hungry and I feel as if I might lash out at any second and shank someone.  Also, when I was running earlier, I stopped and gagged several times, which is something I've never done.  And oh my god, I just feel like I'm fucking losing it.  Cody told me to think of it as, "I'm not trying to find the perfect job, the perfect job is trying to find me".  And I agree with him.  Totally actually.  Now if I could just rewire my brain.  And that's all I have to say right now.  I feel like I can kind of breathe again, and I've stopped crying.  Two points for me.

So about that

I know that this blog is like, open to the public or whatever.  I post it a few (very few) places.  I have almost 900 views.  And one follower. Maybe people without blogs view it?  I don't know.  I find it odd though.

I feel a lot better right now than I did last night and today.  I applied places today and spoke to some job recruiters on the phone.  But I was like, soooo not in life.  I tried to work out.  I ended up crying.

I have been applying to places EVERYWHERE.  Fucking Alaska.  Why not?  I have nothing keeping me here.  Other than connections, and I obviously have more connections here than I do anywhere else.  I'm actually pretty bad ass at networking, I'm not going to lie.  

I actually have an interview tomorrow.  I sent a text to someone I know from one of the charities I do stuff for.  Literally, out of desperation.  I had no idea that her family owned the company.  In like, two minutes she asked if I could come in tomorrow.  I was like, wtf?!  But then my mom told me about her family and I was like, oooohhh.  I feel as if I should tell her I didn't know that.  I literally was just desperate.  But their company is super legit and I'm really excited.

This is another (kind of) insanity thing, which thankfully, according to Errity is normal, BUT I felt today as if I was fucking going to lose it if I had to sit around feeling useless/worthless one more day.  I cannot sit still for that long.  And yeah, I could find an activity or Pinterest some shit or something, BUTTTT I feel as if I need to dedicate 100% of my day to job searching.  Which I basically do.  But even when I work out I feel like I'm wasting valuable time.  It's like an obsession.  My brain is clearly focused on obsession currently.  

I had a Jaycee meeting tonight and Joe was like, "You've had some pretty shitty things happen to you lately".  Yes Joe, thank you.  I was unaware.  I saw John on Saturday and had completely forgotten because I was so drunk.  He recounted some conversations for me that I didn't remember.  Those guys are nice and fun, but damn.  That shit is rough.  I can't drink that much or be that crude, and that's saying a lot coming from me.  They drink like, every day.  And then they're hungover and they do it again.  And they're like, 7-8 years older than I am.  My body hurt from this weekend until like, Tuesday.

Oh, so I mentioned people talking to me that I should like but am not really sure if I do.  Well first off, Chris keeps talking to me/wanting me to come over and I just can't.  And I cannot for the life of me figure out why he would want me to.  I don't hate him or dislike him or feel anything negative towards him.  But what purpose would my coming over serve?  On my end, I wouldn't be lonely.  But from his perspective?  I don't want to be with him, I don't want him to think I want to be with him and I don't want to hurt his feelings.  I just don't get it.

Anyway, people.  Guys.  I always say people because I speak gender neutrally and sometimes I think people think I might be bisexual or something and I'm actually not.  That was off the wall buttttanywayyyy, guys.  One particular person who has been talking to me and is very persistent is Matt's friend Adam.  I say that like I know him through Matt, which I do not, I've also known him since jr. high and actually he was my 1st jr. high boyfriend lol.  But I got reacquainted with him through Matt.  And maybe stayed the night with him Friday.  But did not have sex with him.  

He is good.  But again, I am hesitant for several reasons.  One, I don't know if I am really attracted to him.  I mean, I think I am actually.  But two, I'm resistant because he's a normal human being, owns a house, has a real job and might want to be serious with me in the future.  And that shit is scary.

PARADOX OF HUMAN LIFE.

Or just mine.

Or I'm an idiot.

That's all I have to say about that, Forrest.

So I'm almost done, but I have one more thing to add.  That is also weird.  Everything I say is though...
I bought a crystal from The Atlantis King...who is really Tyler Saunders.  Anyway, that Australian can just have me anytime.  Ugh.  So I bought this thing from him, it's pretty sweet.  I had it in my bed for awhile and just remembered it last night because I was feeling needy and wanted to channel my negative energy into something.  So I put it back in my bed and googled it's healing properties just to see what it said.  This is where synchronicities come in (also my computer doesn't recognize the word synchronicities, dumb).  Here's what it said: 

Keywords: Increase

Green calcite is a grounding and centering stone that brings stability. It increases success, prosperity, business, and fertility of all kinds. It is an excellent stone for gardening. It is also considered a stone of manifestation because of it's ability to develop increase in all areas.

Green calcite is said to enhance intuition and psychic abilities.

In the physical realm, green calcite benefits the heart, thymus, chest, shoulders, and lower lungs, heartburn, nervous tics, stammering, neurosis, arthritis and joint pain, kidney, bladder, general pain. Green calcite is also especially beneficial for healing tumors and other malignancies. It is particularly helpful with infections of the lungs, throat and sinuses. It is also used to balance and heal the endocrine system. Green calcite is also helpful for overcoming addictions and compulsive disorders. As with all calcites, green calcite is good for general health and healing, especially emotional and mental issues.

Green calcite is associated with the heart chakra.

Well fancy that!  Let's compare:  I need (mental) stability in my life like what.  I could absolutely use success, prosperity and business, please please not fertility though lol.  I could use some intuition (couldn't we all?).  I have lung problems (I get bronchitis on the reg) joint pain, and sinus problems.  I wouldn't say I have a compulsive disorder, but my thoughts are becoming so.  And I very much need some emotional and mental healing.  

SO WITH THAT SAID (yes, yelling), I clearly picked the right crystal.  Or should I say, it picked me?

It's going to the interview with me, in my pocket and can be found within my proximity at all times.  Because even if it's all bullshit, if it makes you feel good, why not?


Eh?  Eh?  Latergaterz.

OMG help my brain

Once again, I feel like I am completely losing my mind.  I am having the most insane, obsessive thoughts.  Not about life, lack of job, future, but about a person.  Of all fucking things.  

I need some way to organize this and cannot even think where to start.  I guess that I'll start with the person.  The person is nothing but negative for me.  I knew that in the beginning (if you read this, you know who I'm talking about).  He has a lame job (not that I have a job...), two DUIs, has never had a serious girlfriend (am I the only one that sees that as being odd?  He's 26, isn't that odd?), is rude as fuck, has double standards for women and called one of my really good friends a cunt.  Oh, know why he called her a cunt?  He said she was a slutty cunt.  This coming from the kid who tweets at porn stars and follows them on Instagram.  WHAT THE FUCK.  

What the fuck is wrong with my brain?!  He stopped talking to me, and I was like, whatever fuck ever, winner.  I know, this is some insane self love problem I should love myself enough to not care.  Right?  That is fucking hard and don't tell me it's not.

Before I get into my current relationship with other men, let me briefly review this one.  So when he started talking to me, I was like, fuckkkk that.  He's kind of attractive and kind of funny.  But funny like, you can never tell if he's serious or not.  So I ended up hanging out with him, then having sex with him, then liking him.  He was very very persistent.  Saying really nice things, texting me good morning/goodnight, etc.  I finally gave in and decided I liked him and he shut off emotionally, completely.  This was like, a few months ago.  But I continued to talk to him.

Why?  I don't know.  This is where things go wrong.  My obsessive thoughts don't really come from caring about him.  He is not what I want in my life, in a guy, in anything really.  I mean, his friends complain about him to me.  I just don't know for sure.

Ever since Chris and I have broken up I've been both lonely and resistant.  Talking with dummy was a great way to deflect other guys.  Guys that have things going for them, but that I am, for some reason, not interested in.  And even if I was interested in them, I think I would be scared.  Why?!

Chris didn't do anything wrong to me.  I feel insanely shallow.  I was attracted to Chris, but he is not overly attractive.  I feel like I want to be with a guy who is really attractive, I'm attracted to him and his life isn't a disaster (because for some reason, a lot of guys seem to be a disaster).  

I keep shutting out numerous guys because I don't feel they are attractive enough.  Which is insane, because when I started talking to dumbass, I didn't think he was very attractive at all.  I thought he was a dumbass douchebag.  And, uh, I clearly was right.  I should have went with my first instinct.

So...what is wrong with my head?  What is this blockage towards others?  Why am I having obsessive thoughts about someone so negative toward me?  More importantly, why I am trying to change my life, love myself and become more level headed and positive and I feel as if I keep getting shit on daily?!

At this point, I would almost go back on meds to level/zone myself out. I would be up for counseling too.  But now, I don't have insurance.  

I know, I know.  I am being forced to work through this by myself.  I get that, I see that.  I am ok with that.  But I have been trying and I feel like I'm not only getting nowhere, but I am going backwards.

This shitshow of life

So.  To coattail on my miserable last post, I got fired from my job.  Guess what for?  OH, that's right...Twitter.  My Twitter account wasn't protected...uhhhhhhh

Anyway.

I am, oddly enough, OK with this new life development.  I really enjoyed working there.  But hind sight is 20/20 and I could have seen myself getting suck there.  Also, my boss (who I live in the same town as and we know several of the same people) has already deleted me from Facebook.  For some reason, that bothers me and I find it extremely shitty.  

Either way, it happened yesterday and as soon as I left I was hysterical and insane.  I went to Sundazzlers and cried to Shaila.  I love her so much.  I knew she had to be the first person I talked to because she is spiritual and always, always says things to sooth me.  Which happened.  I stayed there for like, 3 hours.  And then went home.

When I got home I pretty much ate, showered and left.  Went to main to get shitty and to spend money I no longer have.  It was successful on both accounts.  I do commend myself for making the decision to not sleep with the guy who wanted me to stay over.  I...uncommend myself for driving home because I definitely shouldn't have done that.  I couldn't even unlock my front door and then I woke up and didn't know where I was.  Which is sad, because I was in my bed.

I still woke up (disappointingly) alive and bitter.  I am not quite sure what to do with myself.  Yes yes, I know, job hunt.  Duh, mother fucker.  I redid my resume.  Sent me resume to about a billion places, only a small percentage I actually qualify for.  I harassed my Facebook friends, real friends and family members to assist me.  The response I've gotten is both heart warming and gives me great hope.  Not just hope for me, but for humanity really.

I actually feel pretty good.  Aside from the stress I feel from the possibility of not being able to pay my bills.  But they will get paid.  I do kind of feel...freed.  And enlightened.

I deleted my Twitter account, which makes me SO SAD.  But I feel as if I was relying somewhat heavily on it to attach further to my ego.  It is one thing to recognize ego, it is another to find things to attach to it.

You know what does bother me?  I really liked everyone I worked with.  I can't say I don't like them now, but I can say that it is really disheartening to me that no one has contacted me.  I went to high school with one of the girls that works there.  It makes me sad she wouldn't say anything to me.

Another thing that bothers me is that my parents keep pressuring me to do something about it.  Like, what?  What should I do?  Yeah, I could probably hire a lawyer.  Obviously whatever I say is within my 1st amendment right, if that even exists anymore.  Even if I did, where is that going to get me?  My job back?  Fuck that.  Money?  Fuck that too. I just want to move on.  Lesson learned.  

My big mouth is not a lesson I learn easily.  It has gotten me into trouble...for as long as I can remember.  I have always been told to "think before I speak" and I have never listened to it.  And you know what?  I don't particularly care.  My only regret is that my account wasn't protected.  

This keeps popping into my head:  The other day I tweeted (duh) something to the affect of "The rug gets pulled from underneath you for a reason; that reason is so you can stand on solid ground".  I believe that, but if only I could have known how much better that statement would make me feel in a week.

I have talked to Ashley.  I called her yesterday, crying.  She was supportive and nice.  Still distant; I haven't heard from her today.  And really, she knows how "I am" and I am surprised that she hasn't called or text to check on my mental status.  It's ok though, because I am doing ok.

First my "time alone" was driving me crazy.  I am still not very good alone, I will admit.  I am just a social person.  But I was mourning the fight with Ash; the...uh...whatever with Matt.  Now something real happened that I could (and many/most people would) feel worse about.  And I somehow feel better.  

I would say, what else can go wrong?  But things can always go wrong, just as they can always go right.  In fact, there is no always. 

I am thankful for my health.  Currently I am extremely thankful for my found sanity, and for friends who have come out of the woodwork to support me.  I am thankful for my family and friends, and their health.  I am thankful to be alive.  And I am thankful for this learning opportunity.  

As Marilyn Monroe said, "I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they're right, you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together".  Well said Marilyn, well said.

Avoidance

So I've been avoiding talking about this because I didn't want to deal with the emotions.  Lately, I have been handling myself well and not going over the edge, but I feel like absolute shit.  I am unhappy and I feel alone.

This all started at the beginning of July.  As I said before, it always seems to be a hard time for me, for some reason.   The add in shit with Chris and Matt, it just wasn't going well.

The week of the 15th, I wasn't feeling emotionally well.  I was fighting with Chris about the stupid phone and money and Matt was being a fuck.  I told Ashley I wasn't sure whether or not I was going to go on the float trip, which was the 20th.  Come Friday, I felt good enough to go, so I did.

I don't want to go into detail about what happened, but basically Ashley put me in a situation I wasn't comfortable in.  Saturday morning, I decided to leave and didn't go on the float.  I was pretty pissed at her, and text her, telling her how I felt.  Her response on Sunday was that I was overreacting and "if that really happened", she was sorry...

God this is making me emotional already.

So anyway, I got pissed because that's the least satisfactory response I've ever received from anyone, let alone my best friend of 17 years.  We fought about it off and on for a few days.  Why there was a fight, I still can't understand.  After about a week...or two, shit I can't even remember...I said, whatever, I give in.  She was in town and didn't let me know or speak to me, and I was tired of it.  I asked her what was up and she said she didn't know what to say to me or how to act around me.

WHAT?! Why?!  

We went back and forth and she said she felt like I had a problem with her previous to the float (?!).  I told her I've been going through a lot of emotions lately and it had nothing to do with her.  I told her we should go to dinner and talk it out.  She said that was fine, but we still haven't done that.  I've given her my available days.  I haven't heard anything.  And I literally cannot wramp my head around what is going on.  I feel like I'm losing the most reliable person in my life and it fucking kills me.

Then, at the same time, Matt has stopped talking to me.  Which, I expected him to do all along.  But I can't fucking let it go.  Nor can I figure out why I even care.  He lives at home (not that I don't), has a DUI and no license, works at a golf store, hits on pornstars, ignores me unless it's convenient for him, like really?

I have thought that some of the problem is...I don't know how to describe it.  I don't want what I had with Chris.  I don't want someone to be up my ass, which is clearly wasn't.  But also, I do need more.  I mean, friends don't even treat each other like that.  It made no sense how he acted towards me.  Not this past weekend, but the one before, he begged me to come to this beer thing he was at.  That was the last time I hung out with him.  How are you going to beg me to do something and then not talk to me again?!  I don't fucking get it.

I asked him Friday if he was done and he didn't respond.  And either way, I still want to ask him what the fuck, but I know he either won't respond, which will just piss me off for even asking, or he'll give me some lame, unsatisfactory answer, which will also piss me off.  I have meditated on the situation and just can't seem to let it go.

I feel as if there is some underlying problem, connecting these two issues that I am just not understanding.  In fact, Ashley's act quite a bit like Matt by not talking to me.  I really, really feel as if they're connected.  I've meditated on it.  I can't figure it out.  It's both killing me and driving me insane.

I thought writing it out would help.  It's not.  It's just making me emotionally wreck-y.

The thing about relationships

So I've been browsing Pinterest.  If you're ever on the verge of suicide, check out Pinterest and it's sure to drive you over the edge.  All the bitches with 12 pack abs Pinned in "fitness" by people who will never look like that.  Shut the fuck up.  It literally kills me.  Also all the engagement/wedding/baby photos.  It's so fucking depressing.  Along with all the quotes "Every girl wants a guy who will tell her she's beautiful without makeup" and blah blahh. 

The thing is, I had that. That last thing, that is.  Chris was so nice and complimenting.  He would tell me I was beautiful without makeup, or right after I woke up in the morning.  He always loved me, we rarely fought and I knew I could count on him if I needed anything.  But he lied to me about his finances.  Then one time, he supposedly thought I was cheating on him, he started emailing girls (I really think that's when our relationship took a turn for the worst).  And finally, he couldn't take care of himself. 

Since we've broken up all he's done is dig himself a hole.  When we broke up I thought, "If he get himself together and proves to me he doesn't need me, I might get back together with him".  Obviously that won't ever, ever be happening.  Well, I mean, I hope he gets himself together.  He's going to be 28 this year.  That's insane to me.  We got together when he was 23.  Jeez.  The anomaly of people is mind blowing.

Regardless, I see all these bitches (I'm sorry to be a female and use that term, but sometimes it's appropriate) who "just want a guy to tell her she's beautiful" or what the fuck ever, and it's like, no.  No, that is not all you want.  Raise your standards.

Over the past few weeks I've been realizing more and more how one-dimensional people are.  Goes both ways, for guys and girls.  Looks are the running forefront for "liking" someone when that should be one of the least important things.  But that is not to say that attraction is not important.  It is.  But he/she shouldn't have to be a super model. 

I find that a lot of the time, men have more of a problem with this than women.  And it's generally the average looking men who expect to date Kate Upton.  Oh men, when will you ever learn?  Sorry, that's really sexist.  But really.  When you go to stick it in that bitch (I am awful; I have an awful, awful mouth) and she forgot her birth control for a week straight, you're not only going to have a baby with her dumbass, but it will probably be a dumb baby.  Either that or she's  smart and beautiful and wants nothing to do with a manchild.  So get real.

Maybe I am jaded because of the situations I've been in. I gained weight after I did the calendar and GND contest because I hated the attention I got for it.  I was half (or actually, completely) naked.  Please don't hit on me, douche bag.  If you want to hit on me just because of the way I look, I don't care if you Channing Tatum, I'm not going to fuck you.  I have been losing the weight I gained because I personally wasn't happy with myself.  But I can tell you, I will never, ever do any kind of sexualized photoshoot again.

It blows my mind that girls on Instagram post pictures of themselves in bikinis or underwear or whatever.  I mean, duh guys are going to "like" it and comment.  Does that make you anymore worthwhile as a human being?  Absolutely not.  Have some dignity, and with that you will earn respect.  Don't take off your clothes and then complain that guys don't treat you right.

A friend of mine (guy) asked what I wanted out of life last night.  The thing is, I don't know.  And I don't know because society has driven into our minds what we want, and I don't want any of that.  Therefore, I have no idea.  I can tell you a billion things I don't want.  I don't want to have kids.  I don't want to "settle down" and buy a house and live in some shit hole area (because everywhere is a shit hole) for the rest of my life.  

This is kind of crazy, but since I took an anthropology class freshman year of college, I've always wanted to go live with a tribe somewhere for awhile and study them.  But I let my fear control that situation.  Fear on like, a million different levels actually.  Fears such as: being in a tribe I don't know their customs, language, etc.  Fear of not being able to pay my bills.  Fear of dying in the jungle lol. 

I should release the fears and just do it.  But then I would need funding.  And probably a degree in anthropology to get the funding.  I'd like to get my masters in anthropology, actually.  Again, fears.

I clearly have completely derailed off the topic of relationships.  So I'll get back on track.  Girls, if you want to be in a relationship, don't jump on the first dude that shows interest.  Don't take pics of yourself half naked and then date the douche that comments on it.  Also, don't date the guy that tells you you're beautiful all the time.  You are beautiful.  You don't need anyone to tell you that. 

Same goes for guys.  Don't act desperate toward women.  Also don't take douchey pics of yourself.  Don't be too nice. 

I hate when guys are too nice.  Chris was often too nice to me.  I get outta control, I need to be put in my place sometimes.  He would try to put me in my place and I would pretty much tell him to fuck off because he was too nice about it.  The only person in my life to ever put me in my place, and often, is Ashley.  Because she can be scary and mean, and even when I'm drunk I listen to her.

Guys or girls looking for a relationship need to look for someone who is their equal, intellectually and spiritually.  This will maintain a bond like most relationships do not have.  Friendship is also important.  You have to enjoy being around the person, even if you aren't naked.  And finally, you have to both want to be in the relationship and want make it work.  If you are unhappy, talk it out. 

As for me right now, I am not ready for another relationship.  Probably not for awhile.  And this is coming from someone pretty jaded.  But I am not against love, because love is everywhere.  And so to attract the love you want, you have to first be that love you want.  That's all.

Bitches O__O
lol

Being awesome

Today I want to applaud myself on being fucking awesome.  I have dealt with so much shit this week, and I'm just letting it roll off me.  In fact, I'm in a pretty good mood today.  I'll attribute this to my positive affirmations and projections.  I think that this week would have been a test for even the most level headed, sane person.  Starting about this time last week, it was one thing after another. 

In fact, things were so bad, that I don't even feel like rehashing them.  I just want to forget they happened and move forward.  Because what else can you really do?

Regardless, I am mentally in a better place now.  Tonight is the second O2 event that I've put together and it's at Schlafly, during their farmer's market.  I'm excited to eat some awesome food and attend the market. 

I've had an outpouring of unsolicited support (and sometimes, even unknown) from friends lately, including some from the Sentience Shared group on FB :-)

Friday I'm going to eat and to dinner with Shaila, Kylie and Ashley S, then we're going out.  I'm getting excited about Italian Fest.  I have dinner with Courtney on Monday.  I am happy and carefree.  Carefree without forgetting my responsibilities, but without letting them overwhelm me. 

This is the first time in my life I have worked through issues by myself, without the aid of medication and without having a complete breakdown.  It looked bleak for a minute, but got better really quickly, and for that I am extremely thankful.

I'm been trying to stay mindful about giving thanks for life everyday, and that thought always helps me remember who I am and allows me to feel whole.

The other day, after an entire day of meditation and positive affirmations I came across a short...well, lesson from Pema Chodron, who is a Tibetan Buddhist.  I have came across the lesson many times in my life, and never really understood it until last week.  The lesson goes like this:

There is a story of a woman running away from tigers. She runs and runs and the tigers are getting closer and closer. When she comes to the edge of a cliff, she sees some vines there, so she climbs down and holds on to the vines. Looking down, she sees that there are tigers below her as well. She then notices that a mouse is gnawing away at the vine to which she is clinging. She also sees a beautiful little bunch of strawberries close to her, growing out of a clump of grass. She looks up and she looks down. She looks at the mouse. Then she just takes a strawberry, puts it in her mouth, and enjoys it thoroughly. Tigers above, tigers below. This is actually the predicament that we are always in, in terms of our birth and death. Each moment is just what it is. It might be the only moment of our life; it might be the only strawberry we’ll ever eat. We could get depressed about it, or we could finally appreciate it and delight in the preciousness of every single moment of our life.

The lesson is to live life in the present moment and appreciate what you have, right now.  Because there are always "tigers above, tigers below", because life is between birth and death and all you can do is appreciate what is happening now.  So I decided that I want "Tigers above, Tigers below" in a tattoo.  I can't figure out where, but I'm thinking on my collar bone. 

All in all, things are really good right now :-)

Stability

So I feel (mostly) better today.  After Chris text me yesterday, Jason (uncle) called me to complain about Chris, I flipped shit on Matt and determined I'm done with him, I promptly went home, had a panic attack and cried for an hour.  All I could think about (I do this is a lot when I'm in this state) is think about how I didn't want to exist anymore.  I didn't want to feel or exist. 

First off, I don't know why I let Chris and his issues get to me.  We haven't been together in almost 6 months.  I don't know why Jason talks to him either, but I told him not to.  Either way, I let his problems get to me and I feel like they are somehow my fault.  Which is insane and clearly it is also driving me insane.  I need to let that go.

Along with letting go, I need to let Matt go because he is also driving me insane.  When we started talking he was allll about hanging out with me all the time.  And I was like, no.  Then I started to really like him.  Cool, whatever.  Then he stopped wanting to hang out as much.  I asked if he was done seeing me, he always said no.  Then wtf are you doing? It makes no sense.  Then, recently, we've only been hanging out when it's convenient for him.

Fuck that.  So yesterday I finally told him how I feel.  Of course, true Matt style (besides when he was trying to make me love him, or something), his responses are basically nothing.  I asked if he was done with me and he didn't even say yes or no.  He said I ask dumb questions.  The thing is, he knows that if he said yes, he's done with me that it wouldn't really bother me. I mean, it would, but I would get over it.  So whatever, I'm fucking done.  If he can't tell me how he feels about anything, then it's not worth me feeling anything. Or losing my fucking mind over it.

I actually told him I want to love him.  And I do want to.  He said he doesn't want to be loved.  Shut the fuck up.  Everyone wants to be loved.  Quit being a scared child.  If you think you don't want to be loved, you need to reevaluate your life, for real.  And also quit being a scared vagina.

Anyway, I'm not wasting time on that.  Even though I just did, but moving on.

So I'm having this intense meltdown and crying into my blankie and I flip over on my back and lay my hand on my chest.  And suddenly I remembered this quote I read that said when you can feel your beating heart to remember that you have purpose.  I felt washed over in love and calmness.  It was really, really an amazing moment.  It is actually bringing tears to my eyes right now because it was so pure and beautiful.

Then I remember quotes from Deepak about being present and whole and love.  It made me get up and get ready for the meeting I had to go to.

I won't say I feel 100% better because I don't.  I am a little afraid that the float this weekend might be like my disastrous Cardinals game last year, in which I managed to ruin about half of my life, in all areas of my life, in a matter of about 12 hours.  I hope to god that doesn't happen.

But I am working through it.  Without medication.  I will do it and I will be fine.  I am a whole person, working towards love.

I hate using the term love because it implies romantic love and that's rarely what I mean.

Either way, I'll keep on truckin towards happiness :-)